People who talk too much and being dominated in conversation. Some advice.

[Lor]

Hi all,

A bit of advice. I am increasingly finding my SA getting a little (not loads) better over the years with support. However, I still find myself dominated in conversation by others, especially at work. I work with a couple of people who love to talk non stop and I notice that unlike others, I struggle to get a word in. But I also find that other people are comfortable jumping quickly onto the end of someone's sentence to begin their points just as the other person is coming to the end of a point they are making. However, I feel can't do this. It feels like interrupting and so I feel like in group conversations my brain power is used trying to work out a point where I can comfortably begin to talk. Sometimes I can actually feel my heart begin to race in my chest because of how frustrating this exercise is. I get irritated that small things like this that others find so natural and easy, are such hard work for me. I just have to think about it so much more than them. However, I don't know if my lack of assertiveness in conversation also causes 'alpha speakers' to dominate me- I had to give a presentation to colleagues recently with someone I work with and she actually kept interrupting halfway through my sentences and 'finished them off for me'!

Has anyone managed to 'get over' this kind of issue?

[Mr. Nobody]

we don't "own" ideas or opinions they are collective property,
so you may be getting uptight over something everyone else has thought or said anyway,
but maybe because we feel these thoughts, ideas or opinions are somehow unique to us, we feel frustrated by not having a channel for them, but they are simply part of a huge collective in that respect,

I only say this to help alleviate your frustrations, but I genuinely see it as fact also,

You ARE included in life whether you voice opinions thoughts and ideas, or not
beating someone to the punch on a transient, ephemeral thought is not something worth being worked up about,
if you know something, that's enough, your actions will spell that out,
these work conversation situations often seem to be about pissing contests over the bleedin' obvious,
but sadly, some people try and get by in work by just talking a good game rather than doing it,
I'd say, leave them to their pissing matches and let your actions speak for themselves,

those who can, do, - those who can't just tend to talk about it

[Laser]

This sort of thing can happen even to people who don't suffer with SA. Some people just won't stop talking so more confident people will quickly cut in at the smallest pause or they won't get to say anything. If you're more considerate and make sure that the other person has completely finished speaking then it can be a nightmare with these talkalot people.

I'm no longer shy about jumping in but even now I might get out one sentence of what I'm going to say and the other person suddenly goes "Oooh! That just reminded me of something!" Blah, blah, blah
Sometimes there is just no stopping these people.

If you're not a confident speaker, perhaps some people think that they are helping by finishing off your sentences. It can be a very frustrating experience though.

[Coffee]

Originally Posted by Lor

Has anyone managed to 'get over' this kind of issue?

Yes, I have.

The key is NOT content. Anxiety makes us weigh our words too carefully, and place too much value on how they are received. It all becomes far too much effort and takes you out of the moment.

The point of conversation amongst people is just to participate in a shared vibe of sorts, what you might call "bonding".

If we played tennis and I served the ball to you, and you returned it, there would not be a lot of thinking involved you would just do it. Conversation is like that, if the ball is coming and you are too busy analysing to react naturally you will struggle to return the ball fluidly and people will sense that and dominate you if they are one of those annoying kinds of people.

Now this kind of idea when I read it when I was in your shoes, used to get on my nerves! I'd think "well that's ok for you but...etc". It's an odd paradox that trying less, or perhaps I should say caring less, is the key to more fluid conversation. We want to know the answer, to fix it, to control it so it can't make us anxious. It's confusing not to try to fix it, but there is a strength in it.

So that's normal conversation, but what about with domineering types? Well I like to just let them have their reality. If they want to go on about this or that I'm just pleasant and fake interest or even encourage them to keep going by asking them about whatever they are talking about. It's compassion really, you just play the role they need and each conversation will have a different balance of who is doing the most talking based on the personalities involved. Not being the main talker is no reason to feel insecure, often quite the opposite.

A lot of it is non verbal too, and letting go a bit in this way can really help you with the more subtle aspects of being physically relaxed and charismatic to talk to.

Hope helps

[Lor]

Thanks. Very interesting reading over your comments. I think I will definitely take away the idea expressed by Carbon fodder - actions speak louder. At work there are so many who give lots of verbal input but very little actual output. And I agree with Coffee that perhaps my lack of fluency with speaking means others can dominate me. But I think I do work with a couple of pathalogical talkers, I guess the problem with anxiety is that I always blame myself, maybe some people are just as socially awkward but in the opposite way-lacking empathy. I feel that sometimes I am more sensitive in conversation and 'compassionate' as Coffee put it because I am constantly monitoring the impact of my words on others and seeing if they need to talk. But more extroverted big talkers are often so caught up in their own blah blahing that they dont do this as much. Perhaps their conversation is more egocentric?

[kirbycrackle]

My pet hate is when you've sat listening patiently and respectfully and when it comes your time to reply they take a breath and go into another topic without giving you even the chance to answer. Grrr.