What is it that puts people off us?

[dave81uk]

This is something that baffles me and I can’t figure out what it is or id change it. Whether it’s in the workplace or just day to day life in general I’ve found there’s something that puts people off me and in some cases actively dislike me and in a couple of instances bully me.

Yes I have SA but I’m also a shy introvert, the perfect combo. But despite this I do try to be nice, if I met you in the street I’d say “Hi how are you” or at work I’ll go in and say “Morning how are you”. But I may as well have said “Hi I just took a crap in your toaster” the words don’t matter it seems to be more about a vibe or something, I’ll usually get no reply or maybe a grunt if lucky, then someone comes in behind me it’s all smiles.

You know the way there’s some people you just like and want to be around and you don’t know why, well I’m the opposite. I seem to put people off and I bet they can’t understand why but they don’t like me. It’s made work a nightmare, I’m on to job 4 in the last year because of this really.

[biscuits]

I guess you could try mixing up your greetings a bit so they're not a one word answer and it shows that you're taking an interest in what the other person might have to say. It helps to make more of a connection and something to start a conversation around next time - depending on their answer.

Although that comes with the added anxiety of having to hold a conversation - eeek!

What did you get up to at the weekend?
Seen anything good on the telly lately?
How's your wife/child/dog/cat?

Asking for some advice/help on something at work.

Offering to make teas and coffees and stuff. Or taking in some treats.

Those sorts of things get people talking about their interests and personal lives.

You're a good pud, Dave and you used to work in a place where you were a close team and got on with others, so it's definitely not anything bad about you. Sometimes other people struggle to interact with shy or introverted people because it takes a little extra effort and understanding. It's easier to interact with someone who is mega chatty because they do all the work and carry the convo.

Sometimes our body language and struggles with building up a rapport make others weary of us because they're not sure what to say or make of it. It can give off the impression that we don't like/trust them when that probably isn't the case it's just how we are being read.

[dave81uk]

Originally Posted by biscuits

I guess you could try mixing up your greetings a bit so they're not a one word answer and it shows that you're taking an interest in what the other person might have to say. It helps to make more of a connection and something to start a conversation around next time - depending on their answer.

Although that comes with the added anxiety of having to hold a conversation - eeek!

What did you get up to at the weekend?
Seen anything good on the telly lately?
How's your wife/child/dog/cat?

Asking for some advice/help on something at work.

Offering to make teas and coffees and stuff. Or taking in some treats.

Those sorts of things get people talking about their interests and personal lives.

You're a good pud, Dave and you used to work in a place where you were a close team and got on with others, so it's definitely not anything bad about you. Sometimes other people struggle to interact with shy or introverted people because it takes a little extra effort and understanding. It's easier to interact with someone who is mega chatty because they do all the work and carry the convo.

Sometimes our body language and struggles with building up a rapport make others weary of us because they're not sure what to say or make of it. It can give off the impression that we don't like/trust them when that probably isn't the case it's just how we are being read.

Yeah I think it’s probably more the non verbal stuff people are picking up on before I even say anything. Although I’m saying one thing the non verbal things are saying anxious, nervous, awkward.

[BFG_]

Originally Posted by biscuits

How's your wife/child/dog/cat?

I seem to get the opposite I generally try to give off a an attitude of bugger off leave me alone and then I end up with someone talking at me for ages until my brains given up the will to live.

Perhaps you could try being grumpy and miserable dave?

[biscuits]

^ haha yeah! Some do love a quiet one that they know won't interrupt their monologue. A nod and head tilt is good enough for them.

^^ aw yeah, it's hard and it can feel rare to find those sweet people who get that is what it is.

[Hylas]

I think many of us are too hard on ourselves, we live in a world that is not geared towards the introverted and from my experience society seems awash with extroverted, self centred narcissists who are quite happy to take advantage of or belittle folk who they sense have submissive personality traits. Some group activities are too stressful and I choose not to put myself through those experiences, the little reward is not worth the huge effort. I reserve the right to say no and won't put myself in situations by those who think they can manipulate me.

You can find cliques everywhere and that poses a problem and might involve some time before finding yourself accepted into a group but that's assuming you'd even want to go through that if it means losing something of what it means to be you. I tend not to bother.

First impressions can often be misleading and I've been proven wrong more than once especially in the stressful environment of a busy workplace where our personal interactions can so easily be perceived negatively. Saying that some people are just plain assholes and I'm of a certain age where I have acquired a low tolerance for people who behave in such manner.

I'm happy living alone but I'm not a loner also enjoying the company of people I consider close friends. Forging any relationship takes time and effort and you can't do that whilst appearing to come across as aloof and for me being open, honest, friendly, relaxed and never forgetting to smile is key, don't ever be a doormat and stand up for yourself when necessary, it's all learned behaviour and didn't come easily to me and it still takes effort.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Hylas

Forging any relationship takes time and effort and you can't do that whilst appearing to come across as aloof and for me being open, honest, friendly, relaxed and never forgetting to smile is key, don't ever be a doormat and stand up for yourself when necessary, it's all learned behaviour and didn't come easily to me and it still takes effort.

Good advice, biscuits, but as you say, it is hard to follow when we are very anxious. It usually took me weeks,even months, to feel settled in a job. And quite often that never happened. A lot depends on the people you work with, and just one unpleasant person can set the whole tone in a company. I think Dave is right that a lot of the problem is our body language, which we're not always completely aware of. We can seem aloof and uninterested, hunch our shoulders, keep our eyes on a screen, scuttle in and out of an office trying not to make eye contact, look generally uncomfortable. If I was an extrovert I can imagine I'd find it a bit irritating. Perhaps introvert awareness courses should be introduced in companies.

[Tembo]

I can certainly relate Dave, and I am quite fed up with it to be honest. Though there have been times I’ve been able to take the small talk further into a proper conversation. It’s been rare but I’ve managed it before.

The issue I find is that work is a lot to think about, so I’m trying to concentrate on that, and most of the time simply don’t have the time or energy to try and socialise, and concentrate on having good body language. If I focussed on the socialising, I wouldn’t get any work done. I don’t know how extroverts manage that. There’s one guy at my work, who is really friendly, but he was at the staff room table doing some work, while having an intense conversation with someone, while also mentioning things to other people passing him. There’s no way I’d find that level of multi-tasking possible. I couldn’t help feeling jealous!
When I used to go to Meetup events, it wasn’t so bad, as I could just put all my energy into my body language and social skills. It’s a lot more difficult with the pressure of work.

My advice would be to try and remember what people have been up to at the weekends, or other things they’ve been up to, and ask them about it the next week, rather than the standard comments. That might lead to more personal conversations.
I’ve managed to get a good relationship with colleagues this way. Though typically the ones I become good friends with always seem to end up leaving! There’s one I have a lot in common with and we have a bit of a laugh, but he is leaving in a few months.

[Merry]

I saw something about this on an instagram reel or something like that yesterday and the answer seemed to be that people who are extrovert are very suspicious of quiet people, and feel like they are hiding something. They take that personally as they feel that they aren’t hiding, although they often are as they will often be two faced anyway.
The feeling must be something like…’I am generous with myself, why won’t this person be generous back?’ But that’s on the assumption that you would enjoy their company, people with that kind of energy I personally find very draining and don’t want their company.
I have tried to find a few friends where our energies are more similar, most of our interactions are cancelling and postponing meeting up, because it takes a lot for us to socialise, but that’s ok because we understand each other. When we do meet up it’s always nice, because there’s no expectation to be entertaining or fun, just pleasant.

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by dave81uk

there’s something that puts people off me actively dislike me and bully me.

Yes I have SA but I’m also a shy introvert I do try to be nice,

sad to say, many people these days just don't have time for quiet people,

many people see life as a kind of dog-eat-dog situation in a race to the top, and see your qualities as weakness,

many people will automatically take advantage of weakness by bullying you so they can feel superior.

I've witnessed this many times,

I think today's society is very rushed, and ego-centric, people just using other people to feel better about themselves and get somewhere,

thankfully, not everyone is like that,
you just need to find your own people,.. your own tribe.

there's easily just as many quiet and sensitive people as there are overbearing extroverts, we just don't shout about it.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

sad to say, many people these days just don't have time for quiet people,

many people see life as a kind of dog-eat-dog situation in a race to the top, and see your qualities as weakness,

many people will automatically take advantage of weakness by bullying you so they can feel superior.

I've witnessed this many times,

I think today's society is very rushed, and ego-centric, people just using other people to feel better about themselves and get somewhere,

thankfully, not everyone is like that,
you just need to find your own people,.. your own tribe.

there's easily just as many quiet and sensitive people as there are overbearing extroverts, we just don't shout about it.

Good post

[sophie79]

I went on holiday with my brother many years ago, and I noticed people would only talk to him rather than me. When I asked my brother what he thought the reason was, he said "You give off vibes that you don't want people to approach or talk to you."

Makes sense for me. While I'm friendly, the social fear makes me look serious, avoid eye contact, and appear uninterested or even aloof. I'm none of those things I don't think, but I can understand giving that impression due to the anxiety.

[Tembo]

I’m remembering an example of this. I remember going to a family gathering when I was an older teen. I was friendly to everyone, but I was also quiet and anxious. We had a group photo at the end - they’re all with their arms around each other and smiling. I’m stood to the side a bit away from them with some kind of semi-smile. I look like I REALLY don’t want to be there, when in reality I actually really enjoyed that day! I cringe every time I see that photo. Thankfully when people take photos now, I remind myself of that , so I don’t end up looking grumpy!

[Lee S]

Originally Posted by sophie79

I went on holiday with my brother many years ago, and I noticed people would only talk to him rather than me. When I asked my brother what he thought the reason was, he said "You give off vibes that you don't want people to approach or talk to you."

Makes sense for me. While I'm friendly, the social fear makes me look serious, avoid eye contact, and appear uninterested or even aloof. I'm none of those things I don't think, but I can understand giving that impression due to the anxiety.

I think this is the crux of it. I've had the same said to me, even though I'm affable and down to earth by nature. My SA makes me tense and uneasy, which must come across to people, even though I try (seemingly unsuccessfully) to hide it.

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by Lee S

I think this is the crux of it. I've had the same said to me, even though I'm affable and down to earth by nature. My SA makes me tense and uneasy, which must come across to people, even though I try (seemingly unsuccessfully) to hide it.

I still obviously suffer from sa. I find that if I try to not be anxious I end up being more anxious due to guilt for feeling anxious. The few times I’ve noticed that I was giving a good impression I notice that I also felt good. It seems like feeling good makes me more calm and confident though I rarely feel good. It’s usually because of a pleasant social interaction which is rare for me.

I think the answer is actually to try and get ourselves in a good, well regulated emotional space as that seems to automatically make me calmer and less anxious. But how to get into that state seems hard tbh. Or not hard, but I don’t have the answer.

[Orwell20]

Personally, it’s two things. First, negativity. I’m sad, gloomy, negative, etc, because I have spent the majority of my life alone and unhappy. I’m unfulfilled on every level - sexually, romantically, socially, financially, creatively. That reflects itself in my miserable, negative outbursts, and in angry ranting (which is itself a symptom of agitated depression).

Second, my fear of intimacy. I can make people laugh, and often get on quite well with certain individuals. The minute they try to get close, however, I pull away. It’s a habit I got into in adolescence, and one I’m still in today.