Children

Custard_cream · #1 28th July 2018, 20:38

Bit random, but does anyone only want to be in a relationship just for the 'having kids' part of it. I know that sounds stupid, but living with someone, having to make conversation, do things with them etc. feels like it would be so awkward.

Would you consider being a single parent?

E.g. though either adopting a child or going to a sperm bank and paying?

Serious question - I'm 31 next month and aware that time is running out in the next 10 years. I would like children but am scared of the relationship side of it.

I wouldn't want to have a child grow up without a dad though.

Ahh, why are some things in life so complicated?

Dougella · #2 28th July 2018, 21:27

I didn't think I'd ever want to live with someone i was in a relationship with, or be in a serious relationship particularly, but now I'm doing both so really think it can be a matter of meeting the right person (sorry to be so clichéd!)

I don't think there's anything wrong with looking into options of being a single parent if that's what you'd like to do. There are lots of children that need loving homes either through fostering or adoption. If you want to go down the route of sperm donation I think they test your general fertility (although I might be wrong there!) so they might be able to tell you whether you need to get started as soon as possible or if you've got a good few years yet to see if you meet someone first.

Indigo_ · #3 28th July 2018, 21:59

As you say, if you feel you have at least another 10 years in which to have children, I wouldn't let it pre-occupy your mind too much.

My life has changed dramatically. I have had two relationships (having had no relationship experience whatsoever before the age of 28), I have re-located halfway across the country, moved in with my partner, and changed jobs. All of this has happened to me in the last three years. So much may change for you in a short space of time.

Although I believe it is harder to adopt as a single person (I think you need to demonstrate that you have a good support network around you) you could adopt well into your 40s if you wanted to.

I wouldn't be in a relationship just so I could have children though. Kids are hard work and if you wanted to raise them with a partner it would need to be with someone who could give you that help and support.

Chocobear Paws · #4 28th July 2018, 22:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Custard_cream

Bit random, but does anyone only want to be in a relationship just for the 'having kids' part of it. I know that sounds stupid, but living with someone, having to make conversation, do things with them etc. feels like it would be so awkward.

Would you consider being a single parent?

E.g. though either adopting a child or going to a sperm bank and paying?

Serious question - I'm 31 next month and aware that time is running out in the next 10 years. I would like children but am scared of the relationship side of it.

I wouldn't want to have a child grow up without a dad though.

Ahh, why are some things in life so complicated?

Sounds like the only way is to find someone you're so comfy with or makes you so happy that living with them or talking to them doesn't feel like a chore.

This can obviously be hard for people with SA but life is mad. I resigned myself to not being a part of any of that stuff; that it just wouldn't happen to me, and now I'm married with step-children

. I was 37 when it happened.

sillypenguin · #5 29th July 2018, 22:57

I'm the complete opposite, I have been in a relationship for many years now but me and my partner both don't want children. You don't know what might happen in the next couple of years, you could meet someone your destined to be with tomorrow. Even if you decide a partners not for you, you are still young so still have quite a while to look into your options regarding children.

BorrowedMum · #6 29th July 2018, 23:50

My partner and I have just adopted a gorgeous 5yo girl, we are both 50. I waited a very long time for the right man and a very long time to become a mum. Its never too late and the biological stuff is just that stuff, genes dont make you a good parent!

choirgirl · #7 30th July 2018, 00:22

Well, there's this thing called co-parenting, which is where you find a suitable man who wants to be a father and essentially it's like missing out the relationship part and going straight to the divorce part. Obviously this takes a lot of time, because you don't want to jump in to anything with someone you don't know and trust, but that's okay because you're only 31.

Borrowed Mum - Congratulations!

Indigo_ · #8 30th July 2018, 08:01

That's lovely to hear BorrowedMum

newbs16 · #9 31st July 2018, 05:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by BorrowedMum

My partner and I have just adopted a gorgeous 5yo girl, we are both 50. I waited a very long time for the right man and a very long time to become a mum. Its never too late and the biological stuff is just that stuff, genes dont make you a good parent!

Congratulations.. that's lovely news.

Vienna · #10 31st July 2018, 06:03

I don't know why anyone would choose to be a single parent .
How would you pay for this child custard cream? Even if you're in full time work , you'd have to pay for child care, if not in work then how would you pay for it.
On average it's cost £ 230,000 a year .

Consolida · #11 31st July 2018, 07:01

I was a single parent for over 10 years (before meeting my husband) and I’ve got to say I personally wouldn’t recommend it. Everyone copes differently though. Apart from the obvious financial struggle that Vienna mentions, it’s also very tough emotionally if you don’t have a partner to share important decisions with or even a supportive network of friends/family. I was lucky in that I had a little bit of support but it was still extremely hard especially when you throw SA into the mix.

That said, I wouldn't change the fact that I had a child for the world despite the struggles. When they are young they certainly give you a reason to get up every day!

I know it’s frustrating when the tick of that biological clock starts to get ever louder but at 30 you do still have lots of time to meet a partner that you feel comfortable enough to raise a child with. And as other folk have shown here, it’s never too late to look into the various options available to you for becoming a parent. Good luck Custard_cream

Btw, BorrowedMum, congratulations to you and your partner on the adoption of your little girl

Indigo_ · #12 31st July 2018, 13:06

^ Yeah, no one earns that in a year on an average salary, let alone spend that on a child in 12 months. I'd imagine it's lifetime cost biscuits.

Dougella · #13 31st July 2018, 13:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vienna

I don't know why anyone would choose to be a single parent .
How would you pay for this child custard cream? Even if you're in full time work , you'd have to pay for child care, if not in work then how would you pay for it.
On average it's cost £ 230,000 a year .

It can't possibly cost that much a year for one child, that would mean two parents earning 6 figure salaries?! The average salary in the country is around £27,000 a year and many people have children.

Copernicium · #14 31st July 2018, 13:34

Even if you send them off to Eton College it only costs £37,000 a year.

Kevin Hodge · #15 31st July 2018, 16:21

That was probably just the average expenses claimed by MPs for their child for the year

Vienna · #16 31st July 2018, 20:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by biscuits

^^ Almost a quarter of a million per year! Are you sure that’s not the average cost over their childhood?

Apologies. Its from birth to age 21.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukn...UK-230000.html
The article is 3 years old so dunno ,its prob gone up a bit by now.