SINGLETONS: are you proactive/ seeking or passively waiting...

[ElektroPunk Mindwarp Jelly]

for someone, who you might be able to form a relationship with. So you could be in one of the two camps:

actively seeking by going out to places where you intend to meet singles, using dating sites as often as possible, sending messages to others who you're keen on, going to wine & cheese singles nights, holidays to meet others, "making moves" in a supermarket, bus stop, park bush etc... Any sort of concerted effort where you'll be spending some money and time in the prospect of finding whichever type of partner(ship) you're hoping for.

passively waiting but hoping for that "chance encounter", maybe in a group that you're part of, through mutual acquaintances, or anywhere you can envisage waiting or hoping for someone else to "make moves" if the situation ever looked even half-way possible.

There could be some crossover though, like you might waver between actively seeking & passively waiting, e.g. finding your perfect partner might be possible in a supermarket, or in a park, which could be you being proactive and going out with the intention of "making a move" or just a totally random chance encounter, like what you may see in a rom-com or really naff one-off ITV teledrama starring F list actors.

So that's why I've come up with this fantastic poll a scale to help identify how active/ passive you reckon you are

[Silver]

I would LOVE to be able to get out there and start dating more than anything in the world......but........fear stops me. I have so many fears related to dating it is just ridiculous. I know the only way to beat the fear is to get out there and do it....but its like the fear overwhelmes me and to be honest, I really wouldnt know where to start with the whole dating game anyway. There are so many rules, do this, do that and I just dont have a clue :-( Im 28 almost 29 and about as clueless, niave and inexperienced as it is possible to be :-( What a horrible pathetic position to be in!!! Giving up seems the easier option tbh, but that is NOT the way I want my life to go. I have totally given up hope of meeting someone in real life, so I know I have to push myself to get out there and make it happen, thats my only hope. I desperately need someone to help and motivate me to do this but no one seems to be able to help me

I really totally admire people that dont give up, keep positive and just keep going no matter how many knocks they get. Thats the only way to get a partner imo

[karl-32]

neither

i dont want a relationship at the moment

[AxelFendersson]

I'm not really looking; while I'm still unemployed and living with my parents I'm not convinced there's much point. I accept it isn't impossible, but since I don't have the resources to do much in the way of actively looking, I'm mostly waiting until I find a job and have my life a bit more sorted generally before I start particularly looking for anyone.

Having said that, I am trying to get out more and be more socially active generally. This will inevitably involve meeting more women, so in that respect I am increasing my chances of finding someone unexpectedly.

[Reasonable Doubt]

I'm still keeping an eye out but my efforts really only amount to looking on OKCupid and Plentyoffish once every couple of weeks. I'm living back with my parents at the moment and I'm not really sure the ladies are too impressed by that sort of thing, so I'm not exactly doing a great deal.

[Phool]

My most significant relationship broke up in 2005. I was devastated and single for 5 years. This year I turned 36 and decided I didn't want to have my whole 30s as a romantic wasteland so I joined an online dating site , met some great guys and had a 3 month relationship.

I'm not looking for marriage or kids or even forever. Just a nice companion to go out with, movies, galleries, dinner, walks. Having no expectations other than honesty and having fun has been really liberating.

On the SA front, I don't like large crowds but 1-2-1 relationships are great.

[Nuff]

Well, I'm 18 I live by myself I have a job. I have no friends, no one. I would never go on a dating website, it's just not me and when at the supermarkets and stuff, what do you do? HEY WANT 2 BE FRIENDS??? GO ON A DATE 4 LOLS?? I dunno, and I don't think I could just talk to people I don't know and ask them that kind of stuff. So I guess I'm waiting for someone to come up to me and be like 'Hi lets be friends ' lol

[ElektroPunk Mindwarp Jelly]

Dating sites seem to have the thumbs down verdict so far, but, what about group activities (e.g. salsa dancing) where people do tend to turn up with the hope of having a romantic encounter.

[james79]

I don't think I am either. If I meet someone, well great. If I don't its not the end of the world.

James

[Phool]

Originally Posted by ElektroPunk Mindwarp Jelly

Dating sites seem to have the thumbs down verdict so far

the thumbs down comes from people who don't think it's for them. Reasonable Doubt and I seem to get on OK with it. Anyway at 36 a bar or club is the last place I would spend my free time. I have joined community groups, done a bit of charity work but most people are married or attached.

[Superfred]

I'm not looking for a partner at the moment so I put other.

[Reasonable Doubt]

Originally Posted by Phool

the thumbs down comes from people who don't think it's for them. Reasonable Doubt and I seem to get on OK with it. Anyway at 36 a bar or club is the last place I would spend my free time. I have joined community groups, done a bit of charity work but most people are married or attached.

ha, I wish :P I'm afraid I'm going to have to give dating sites the thumbs down as well. I've tried all the major ones over a period of several months and am yet to attract any real interest - not managed more than a couple of half-hearted replies and I've never had anyone message me without getting in touch with them first. That's why I rarely go on them now, I'm fed up of putting myself through it. From my experience, unless you're genuinely good-looking or have a strong personality you just get overlooked.

[Detox]

I chose number 1, but if I'm honest I am not really interested at the moment. Waste of time anyway!

[Phool]

^ Soz, misunderstood first post. I used Guardian Soulmates.

[GhostOnMagneticTape]

I don't do stalking... I selected the opposite, 1.

[Reasonable Doubt]

Originally Posted by Phool

^ Soz, misunderstood first post. I used Guardian Soulmates.

Yeah, that's one of the numerous sites I've tried. I don't know whether I was doing it wrong but I felt well out of my depth on there, I couldn't find anyone who was on the same level as me and swiftly gave up, though not before forking out for a six-month subscription. I've actually found internet dating even more demoralising than my attempts in real life, which I didn't think was possible.

[Phool]

Originally Posted by Reasonable Doubt

Yeah, that's one of the numerous sites I've tried. I don't know whether I was doing it wrong but I felt well out of my depth on there, I couldn't find anyone who was on the same level as me and swiftly gave up, though not before forking out for a six-month subscription. I've actually found internet dating even more demoralising than my attempts in real life, which I didn't think was possible.

Soz again for no particular reason. Hope you find something that works for you.

[SoulSeeker]

I don't know how to answer this tbh. I guess I don't fit anywhere on the scale as of yet.

I can't see me ever going the dating site route..and I also cannot really see me asking somebody out in the flesh. So I guess (when I put myself out there) I'll be passively waiting.

What I mean by that is. The only way I can see me forming any realtionships or being brave enough to ask somebody if they'd like to take things further..is by first getting to know them and being around them for a while.

Allow attraction and chemistry to take place within the friendship..then take it from there. Im starting to realise that this way is only possible 'in the flesh'.

I don't have the confidence to pull anything off online (nobody is interested in guys online with no confidence). So that only leaves one option..form friendships in the real world and who knows..I may click with somebody of whom I find attractive..and who likes me for who I am..the guy standing right there in front of her.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by halfemptyglass

I have tried passively waiting, and actively seeking but both caused so much fear, that I ended up screwing over potential men.

ohh so your one of the "screwers" iv always been a screwee

[Moab]

Im not waiting. I am hopeful. I am comfortable in my solitude and learning to make my own happiness right now. I shall never, ever again make the mistake of making someone else responsible for my happiness. That is disaster waiting in the wings.

[karl-32]

Originally Posted by Moab

I shall never, ever again make the mistake of making someone else responsible for my happiness. .

[andy o]

like a few previous posters i feel I've given up on having a relationship for the time being . I'm now 38 and have had this wonderful SA for around 10 years which has crippled my once active social life , at this moment it time i wouldn't really like to inflict someone with my company ..

[-Simon-]

I'm not looking and tell myself that I've given up on the whole business, but secretly like the idea of having another relationship before i get so old that everything stops working. Don't tell myself I said that though, it's a secret.

[xTKsaucex]

urrrr don't know. Can't say I'm particularly trying to at the moment. Always been a friend/ acquaintance type of person but I usually force myself to be more than that. Feel as though I wan't to dedicate my time getting through college work to land a satisfying job and after that really force myself out there. Or just see what happens in the mean time.

[cavedin]

I'm kind of seeking because I'm on a few dating sites and looking around but taking things as they come as well, I don't expect anything to happen quickly.

[jay9]

Other, I don't fit on that scale. I'm not interested and not looking.

[Mr. Spaceman]

I've been passively waiting for over 30 years.

[AxelFendersson]

Originally Posted by ElektroPunk Mindwarp Jelly

...what about group activities (e.g. salsa dancing) where people do tend to turn up with the hope of having a romantic encounter.

I don't think going to a dance class or similar with the expectation of finding a partner is wise. If I went every week hoping to meet someone then most weeks I'd just be disappointed. Whereas if I go each week expecting to enjoy doing some dancing, I get what I'm after and come home happy.

I won't deny that in the back of my mind is the thought that I might find someone through this. Certainly I meet more women this way than through anything else I do (or ever have done since school), so it might improve my chances a bit. But it would be foolish if that were ever the main objective.

[Mortigantoj]

Other: all hope is gone!

[diplodocus]

If I've learnt one very valuable lesson from life it's that you can't leave these things to chance. When I've been looking then often things have happened seemingly by chance but if I wasn't getting out there trying to make things happen, then I doubt I'd get nearly as many opportunities. You've got to be in it to win it as they say.