Things you'd love to hear when you have social anxiety

[Introspheric87]

I made a thread before about the things you don't want to hear when you have social anxiety and now I am doing a more positive thread about the opposite.
It's easy to come up with about what you don't want to hear but what would you really love to hear instead?

I would love to hear the words "its okay, take some time to get your bearings/have some space to collect your thoughts" "you are okay as you are, I accept you"
from others who don't have anxiety but are willing to recognise others who have difficulties and when. We can all understand how debilitating living with constant anxiety can be and it doesn't cost anything to be kind.

[Tonkin]

Good thread!

Maybe something like "it's ok, you don't have to come". But then maybe I'd use that as a get out clause for doing anything.

[hellotiger]

I like it when other people acknowledge that a place is uncomfortably busy and they too want to leave and go somewhere quieter. I can’t understand when people want to all gather in the same place and then they are having conversations shouting over each other.

In general I just like when people who don’t have anxiety or not to the degree that I have it voice discomfort about social situations like going somewhere and not knowing anyone. It makes me feel less like my thoughts and emotions are strange and alien.

[Jen.]

"Do you want to come to my party? People will be getting here in an hour or two. I didn't tell you about it six weeks ago to save you agreeing and then wasting that whole time stressing about it until you cancelled at the last minute."

"Sure, stand to one side and choose what you want to eat off this menu in your own time instead of having to read the board behind me while you're in the queue and getting something you regret because you felt like you had to rush so as not to annoy the people behind you."

[Tonkin]

Originally Posted by Jen.

"Do you want to come to my party? People will be getting here in an hour or two. I didn't tell you about it six weeks ago to save you agreeing and then wasting that whole time stressing about it until you cancelled at the last minute."

That would be great! I'd probably need 24 hours notice though I think, to sync myself up. Or maybe I'd still use that time to stress myself out.

[Mr. Nobody]

"there is a global pandemic,
everyone has to stay at home,..."

ahhhhh......

[Marco]

Originally Posted by Jen.

"Do you want to come to my party? People will be getting here in an hour or two. I didn't tell you about it six weeks ago to save you agreeing and then wasting that whole time stressing about it until you cancelled at the last minute."

The problem I might have with that is the fact that someone feels the need to treat me differently from everyone else, albeit with genuine sensitivity. If I’m feeling a bit low and vulnerable, that in itself can be enough to trigger a degree of shame and self-loathing. Nice people just can’t win with me sometimes!

[hellotiger]

^I feel the same as this. Someone making a point out of me being different would highlight the insecurities I’m already feeling.

I thought of one I love “No need to call just send a text or email”

[Tonkin]

That's a good point too.

The thought of people knowing about my social struggles is almost as bad as having the social issues themselves. Almost, but not quite...

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Marco

The problem I might have with that is the fact that someone feels the need to treat me differently from everyone else, albeit with genuine sensitivity.

I agree, I prefer to be with people who just don't notice how reserved and uncomfortable I am, then I can possibly start to relax.

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

"there is a global pandemic,
everyone has to stay at home,..."

ahhhhh......

Yes, things have been much easier for me recently too.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by hellotiger

I thought of one I love “No need to call just send a text or email”

Yes this one! Also, "I will never call you unexpectedly unless it's an absolute emergency."

[Jen.]

I don't mind people I trust knowing about what makes me anxious if it means they'll be more understanding and accommodating in those situations. Everyone has different needs and abilities after all, and I've never felt that someone taking those things into account when spending time with me is a bad thing. It's all just part of "support", isn't it? Like in an office one person might need a ramp to be able to access the building, another might need a glare filter putting on their monitor, another might need a hearing loop installed. It might be uncomfortable to have attention brought to a specific need, but has anyone ever benefited from struggling in silence? If someone knows that thinking about social situations a long time in advance makes me anxious enough that I might pull out despite me knowing that I would enjoy going and benefit from it, and so invites me to things at the last minute instead, I'll happily take that

[anxiouslondoner]

"don't feel like you have to reply to this message"

[Tonkin]

True Jen. A metal health issue shouldn't be any different from a physical one int terms of how it's supported and acknowledged.

I'd just find it really unconformable if they put a sign over my desk that said "this guy has social anxiety so be sure not to take his awkward interactions personally, don't be annoyed if he's slow to respond to questions or be offended if doesn't ask how your weekend went on a Monday morning" Sometimes I'd rather people think I was rude or choosing not to engage, rather than know that I'm trying my best and failing miserably.

[Orwell20]

“Oh, god, I’d love to work from home. I hate offices. Every day I do or say something that makes me look like an idiot. Social interaction is just so awkward and tricky isn’t it. Or is it just me? I’m sick of blushing and sweating and dreading meetings and trying to get out of work do’s and Xmas parties. My life seems to be nothing but embarrassment and faux pas.”

Or

“Don’t you just hate meeting new people! I mean, it’s not that I don’t like them...it’s, Ugghh, the awkwardness...I’m so uncomfortable. And I always end up saying something stupid.”

Or

“Dancing? Christ, you must be joking. I can’t dance at all. Like so many things in life, I feel like I must have been ill the day everyone learned how to do it.”

Or

“God, I’d hate to be young again. I hated being a teenager. The constant shame and awkwardness...relatives asking me why I didn’t have a girlfriend, why I didn’t go out more, what I’m going to do with my life...Ugghh, horrible. I am so much happier now I’m older. People don’t scrutinise or judge me anymore. I don’t have to do stuff I don’t want to, like go to parties, or whatever, just so I feel ‘normal’. F*** that. I don’t want to backpack around India or pursue a career or have loads of friends. Now I’m older I just do what I want to do, not what I feel I ought to do. And that mostly means slobbing in front of the TV with a bag of crisps and bottle of red wine. The minute I turned 40 it was like a weight had fallen away from me.”

Or

“I think nostalgia is really bad. I wouldn’t want to re-visit any period of my life, and I’m not interested in your past either. Let’s talk about our favourite books and paintings and albums instead.”

[Dougella]

^That's pretty much how my relationship went/works. Although my partner has always texted me before phoning me because I need that.

[Tembo]

"Your awkwardness, wierd way of talking and bizarre interests is all so endearing"

[choirgirl]

If anyone gets anxious/overwhelmed and feels the need to step out for a moment to get some air, that is fine. No one will be offended.

[choirgirl]

Originally Posted by No Longer Human

"No, it's okay, I really don't mind that [[you are nearly 40 and have less experience than did the spotty teenage boys I was tired of dating before I was even 16]] we can take it slowly and take our time together". And many variations of this (with it - key point follows rather than precedes - being a genuine sentiment, rather than being an ultimately hollow thing that nice people feel nice saying to themselves, likely not believing). So loving to hear it is one thing, ever believing it to be genuine would be another.

Mine is like this, 'I don't mind that you are middle aged, your experience with 'females' is miniscule and took place in the last century and you haven't actually, physically been in a coma since then. And your flaws are not deal breakers, I prefer to focus on the positive. And I will never leave you a voicemail unless there is an emergency.'

(Although I don't see what this has to do with social anxiety.)

[biscuits]

^ there's a strong link with SA - accepting inexperience due to barriers of SA and the fear of being ridiculed/rejected for that. I think that is a huge thing for a lot of us.

[choirgirl]

^Yes, sorry, you're right. I think for me it was/is other stuff tangled together in a horrible ball. Although I do have rejection sensitivity so that is sort of SA related I suppose.

[Introspheric87]

Originally Posted by Tubbs

"I love you unconditionally and accept you as you are."

Exactly. Just for some one to reach out and be kind makes all the difference. I truly believe that people need to be aware of social anxiety as a disability or impairment because sometimes having a label means it can be understood. For example with autism there are things in place in most workplaces to support autistic employees and slowly workplaces are beginning to recognise the positive as well as negative traits of autism.

[Introspheric87]

We are a neurodiverse workplace. We value different personalities and learning styles and understand that everyone operates differently.

[3stacks]

Your lack of eye contact really gets me going

Sent from my SM-G988B using Tapatalk

[citizen_erased]

From a potential employer: “OK, you seem to have all the qualifications and experience we're looking for for this role so how about we trial you for a couple of weeks and see how you go, rather than go through the whole tedious, pretentious interview process?“

Sent from my SM-T510 using Tapatalk

[Kipper]

For me it would be something like " It doesn't matter if your face is bright red, that you're gangling and awkward, that you never know what to say, that you always look extremely anxious. You are loved, liked and accepted because all these things simply don't matter at all in the great scheme of things. Stop trying so hard to be liked and being a people pleaser!"

[biscuits]

“Shall we just go for ten minutes and then go to the cinema?”

[Pine]

A bit strange considering I don't like being put on the spot.. but I would be happy if some cbt instructors said, what do you think? Instead of other people who are more outgoing getting in there immediately. Or I just don't like doing the raise hand thing. I guess I should make myself do that, though I feel as if I should be able to avoid having to do it. I don't know.

[Introspheric87]

No you don't need to have your camera on in the work meeting. Feel free to use chat or go off mute to ask questions.