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#1
20th October 2009, 10:09
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trying to 'act normal'
does anyone else have trouble acting normal? i realise this is a contradiction in terms, but anyway what i mean is when im out in public....anywhere really....i try to act normal but nothing feels right. If i try to blend into the background such as at a bar or a nightclub, i feel even more self conscious as i realise i prob look like an uptight snob. yet if push myself to be miss extrovert this feels even more bizarre and i feel like an idiot for even trying. i just can't act normal or relax ever! another example is when i talk to a young guy, such as one at work. well i freeze like a deer in the headlights. I find myself barely speaking so i think to myself next time try and actually talk to him, and when i do tho, i feel even more unnatural- like im trying to be normal when im not. its gets very confusing as u feel like either way u r coming across like a moron- either uptight and aloof, or false and confident when u are not.
does anyone else have this problem. how do u ever 'be yourself' or even kno what that is when u constantly hav this critical voice in ur head telling u u are not doing this social interaction 'properly'. 
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#3
20th October 2009, 12:46
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
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I have some idea in my head of what normal appears like...and Im can never match up to it. I never feel I get it right..It is just total self conciousness, I get so focused on my hand gestures, my speech, am I staring too much..oh i didnt laugh enough there, my whole life feels like I am trying to act or "be" this normal idea in my head. Nearly everyone else seems pretty normal or very normal except me..to me that is I dont know about the how can you ever be yourself..Im still struggling with this big time.. I never have moments of peace when Im with others, where I can relax..I am constantly focused on the thoughts in my head, how my body looks as I go about what Im try9ing to do..so If im making a coffee..Im thinking..oh my body feels akward it shouldnt feel like this..even walking across a room..I am thinking..I dont look normal..I look like there is something wrong. Or if im talking to someone...im thinking..that i look strange..anxious..nervy...then I cannot hold a proper conversation..because I am stuck in all the garbage in my head etc etc the thoughts just go forever. Im sorry I cannot help you out with this  Advice anyone?? |
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#4
20th October 2009, 13:25
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
from what i can gather, 'normal' in any kind of useful sense here is really just a willingness to let other people SEE that you're anxious or sad, or angry, grumpy, spaced-out or embarrassed or whatever sometimes. the anxiety response with me seems to be something at my core signaling that if i keep on pushing these emotions down all the time, or putting all my energies into trying to conceal them by putting on an 'act' then i am also constantly telling myself i am fundamentally unacceptable to myself and to others. so for me this problem is all about letting yourself make more mistakes, being flawed, being fallible, being embarrassed and learning to accept that in order to feel more 'normal' i've got to risk other people seeing that about me too. i'm pretty sure that 'normal' is not applying the impossible pressure of expecting a flawless people-pleasing social performance from yourself at all times. for many years i was somehow convinced that's what was required of me though.
the other thing that this problem always comes back to for me is that to maintain massive levels of self-consciousness requires constantly monitoring yourself from the outside in, rather that monitoring your environment from the inside out, and paying attention to your own genuine responses to the world outside of yourself. recognising that dynamic and reversing it, by practicing external focus is the major thing that has helped keep these kinds of anxiety levels more manageable for me. |
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#5
20th October 2009, 23:26
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
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#6
21st October 2009, 01:22
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I've felt like that for so long that I've forgotten any other way of being. It's like I'm constantly analysing every movement I make or every word in a conversation, or even how I am walking. I've forgotten how just switch off and be myself. Whatever that is.
The annoying thing is that if I could stop over-analysing my own actions I'd be more able to think of things to talk about, etc. It's a vicious cycle. My head is so flooded with the thought of trying to act normal that I'm unable to act normal. This increases the anxiety, and then increases the 'ACT NORMAL GODAMMIT!' thoughts. Good post threadbare that really makes a lot of sense. |
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#7
21st October 2009, 09:22
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
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#8
21st October 2009, 11:07
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I can relate to this. I seem to analyse everything and judge myself on every single thing. I think we all need to chill out a bit because Noone else is analysing us like this! Easier said than done though.
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#9
21st October 2009, 11:10
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
yes thats right. very occasionally i get these glimpes into what it would be like to be a normal (or maybe a better word for it is non socially anxious person). To go out in public and actually be able to concentrate, maybe even enjoy it. Does not happen very often, but the few times it has happened i try to hang onto that feeling, but my thoughts normally come and **** all over it tbh. i really would like to just chill out a bit more and not take myself/ everything so seriously
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#10
21st October 2009, 11:58
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I've had this problem a lot but it never changed until I realized that I didnt have to 'act' normal. The more I tried to act normal, the worse I felt. Like TB says it's more to do with your focus of attention, if its self-focused then its always gonna cause you problems. There has been plenty of research on self-focus and social anxiety, I found one here after a quick search:
http://www.find-health-articles.com/...al-anxiety.htm "According to Clark and Wells, self-focused attention is an important maintaining factor in the disorder because it increases access to negative thoughts and feelings, can interfere with performance, and prevents the individual from observing external information that might disconfirm his or her fears. Clark and Wells also propose that socially phobic individuals construct a distorted impression of themselves, based on internally generated information, that takes the form of a visual image (often seen from the perspective of an observer) or felt sense." There's a site here that offers some guidance for changing this problem including the attention training technique. I found the attention training technique VERY helpful for my SA: http://www.mct-institute.com/attention.html |
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#11
21st October 2009, 12:27
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I had this problem. The reality is u are scared of being yourrself, you dont want others to see the real u which is the anxious you, i found being happy with myself even tho i was really anxious at times, was the only way to solve this.
Its not easy to be happy with your self when u are acting anxious, but if anyone has a problem with ur anxiety the problem is with them. |
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#12
21st October 2009, 22:08
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I used to try to be normal i'd do it till ever single little movement, microcosmic movement, microcosmic movements baby son, would all be rushing through my mind. The trouble is still to this day i really don't actually know what normal is so the more i was trying the more i was running round in circles trying to achieve a mythical creature.
These days i try hard to accept me warts an all and to stop hiding my little parts of me that make everyone of us unique....so what if my head is blue and smurf like....someone somewhere may digs a smurf 
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#14
22nd October 2009, 06:47
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
i practically do it on auto pilot .. i hate it... feels like an outer body experience where im constantly lookin down on myself and judgein myself and how i stand, how i present myself, how i speak.. its exhausting heh.
I'm also really hard on myself and take myself very seriously.. weird cos i've only just recently realised that i take myself really seriously and i actually really hate it. |
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#16
22nd October 2009, 17:07
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I do try to act normal, say the 'right' things, do the 'right' things etc and it is so tiring and false and I think people see straight through this. On the other hand - whenever I let go a be myself I always wind up feelings foolish and my mood will eventually drop and I'll start to worry about what I said.
My biggest problems are worrying what other people think about me and beating myself up for feeling foolish, embarressed, anxious or whatever. People will always have an opinion about you, whether they think you are wierd, scary, lanky, a drip, lovely, kind nice etc etc people will always think what they want to think and we cannot please everyone. Acting 'normal' is likely to get you dubbed boring by some people. Everyone feels foolish, embarressed, anxious from time to time - the trick that I have found to dealing with it is just accepting that these emotions will arise and that they are natural - dont fight it! I have always told myself that I must fight my anxiety and work towards not being so anxious, and so I have tried 1000's of times to stop being so anxious but it never works, I always slip up and the anxiety comes back. By accepting that anxiety it part of me, part of who I am, when I make them slips so what? I'm anxious I'm allowed to be. I have tried putting this to practice and it works...I have full on sulked but was happy by the end of it becuase I didnt tell myself off, I just let it happen. My other big problem is my expectations - I expect too much too quickly in terms of adapting to things. (by the way - right now as I type I am more anxious than usual and I am getting the feeling that what I am writing is just all meaningless contradictions - and I get this feeling often and it makes me want to not post ever again or speak or whatever. I think I need to take some time to reduce my anxiety; I had a bad moment in work where I felt as though my colleague's were talking about me and I have knots in my stomach worrying about what I may have done wrong :/) |
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#17
25th October 2009, 09:12
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
thanks for all the replies.
pboy that is a really good article-well abstract and describes me to a tee. if i can just apply it now that wld be great. what u all wrote about forcing urself to be 'normal' and it making the anxiety worse is so true. i also take myself and my social interactions soooooooooo seriously i would really like to lighten up but find it so hard to switch off the internal running commentary. ur right tho ruby and freespirit in that someone may like our awkwardness and so if we r constantly changing we will never make everyone happy. we will prob always have ppl who like us and those who dont, for every diff personality type we try and develop. so i guess just being urself is the only way cos at least then ur being true to urself. now if only i can actually do this  oh and freespirit im glad u posted -that nagging voice was wrong- ur post made alota sense! |
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#18
25th October 2009, 12:52
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
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#20
25th October 2009, 13:00
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
I feel the same, if i stay quiet and don't speak then i feel that i'm being unsocial and others will think i am strange but if i do speak and try and participate in a conversation then usually i can't think of things to say and so i only say a few words here and there and i worry that others will think i'm strange.
Also when i do speak i usually get all hot and go red and i am very concious of people noticing this. |
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#21
25th October 2009, 15:51
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Re: trying to 'act normal'
Yes - I always felt like this - acting normal to hide the fact that I wasn't - that there was something intrinsically 'bad' or 'different' about me. For me - that's what social was anxiety was about - fearing that other people would see the real 'bad' and 'different' me - so I kept everyone at arms length and worked hard to look normal - this meant never being able to say that I felt awful and miserable and really wasn't coping with life. Its taken nearly 50 years to get to the point where I like myself and can just be myself - unfortunately - its a bit of a shock to the people who knew the 'normal' me for most of my life!
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