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#1
13th May 2007, 18:24
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Anxiety Attacks
What are Anxiety attacks?
I have always had problems with "social phobia" and such, but every so often I have spells of intensified anxiety. Over the past week or so my sleep's been disturbed. I wake up at first light (5:30am) and I am abuzz with anxiety. It's like my mind is working behind the scenes on some unsolvable mathematical problem and I am getting all the fallout of frustration. Thoughts are flashing through my head and I seem to be attaching importance to making all sorts of choices, but it's just a load of total rubbish - not a real world problem. I guess that I am halfway between the crazy world of sleep/dreams, and the real world, and this is holding on to me and I can't totally wake up. I am awake though, and can go to the toilet or have a drink of water etc. Not that it helps... It's not as if I have anything bad cropping up next day - but I may have something trivial to do that my subconscious has blown out of all proportion. My anxiety is of a different type during the day. Lately I have had a return of the usual stuff like seeing flashing zig-zag lights in my vision, being unable to eat because I'm about to throw up, fainting, almost turning myself inside out with constant yawning and stuff like that. But there is not obvious cause behind this, no meeting with people or events or worry like that; because I avoid most of that sort of thing now. I have had anxiety all my life and I guess this is like being an alcoholic all your life, eventually it catches up with you and you reach burnout. It reaches the stage where the problem begins to feed upon itself and becomes self perpetuating, and it effects physical health as well. My subconscious seems to be on the alert all the time to find new ways of messing up my life. I have never stammered, but lately my mind catches me out with certain words in certain circumstances which are designed for maximum impact to make me look like a gibbering fool. I've found when going to the chemists for a repeated medicine that I cannot say the word 'prescription' without spluttering and choking over it. I deliberately ignore the problem beforehand but then it catches me out as I try to force the word out in the shop. I am determined to get it out but the devil inside is equally determined to mess me about. At all other times I have no problem whatsoever with 'prescription' nor any other word. But most of the time I am in a fuddled sort of trance state and I'm hardly aware of what's happening around me. Always been like this, and it's meant that I've never been able to drive a car. When I tried several times in the past my mind just switched off and I was dicing with death... Johnie. 
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