Borderline Personality Disorder

[Metal Goat]

Hi guys. Thought I would create a thread to discuss as I think there's a few of us on here.

1.) How does your BPD affect you?
2.) How was the process of getting diagnosed?
3.) Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?
4.) Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?

[Abigail Hobbs]

How does your BPD affect you?

I don't have a stable sense of self. Who I am changes depending on who I'm talking to.
I binge eat, I drink excessively, I spend impulsively because I need constant stimulation and immediate rewards. I do this to try and distract myself from the non-entity that is me.
I have random outbursts of anger. I don't get violent but I get aggressive. I shout, I scream, I'll usually cry - normally over nothing at all.
I'm an extremely jealous person. To the point where if I see someone I like, romantically or not, talking to someone else, it ruins my day.
I self-harm to 'redirect' my internal pain when it gets too much.
I use the 'splitting' defence mechanism - I can feel like I love someone, love them, sometimes even someone I barely know and then feel hatred for them within the same hour. I have to stop myself from becoming friends with people because of this. It will end in pain for either them or me. I can't just be 'friends' with someone. I need them to be my best friend, but I only when I want them to be.

There are loads of ways in which it affects me but these are the main ones, I think. I've also held back a bit - I don't want people to know just how awful I am.

How was the process of getting diagnosed?

I'm self-diagnosed but I'm hoping to get a professional diagnosis on the NHS when I start seeing a psychologist.

Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?

I tried to tell my mum. She didn't really take me seriously. Her reaction after I described BPD to her was 'well, I think you might be onto something here...' but that was as far as it went. My mum is understanding but only when it comes to things she herself understands which is basically just depression. She's outstandingly ignorant about people with mental health issues that aren't depression. She probably thinks I'm being silly.
I haven't brought it up with her again. I'm completely alone in this, my only hope is the NHS really. There's no one else I trust IRL to confide something so personal.

Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?

Sadly not. I'm able to recognise when my feelings are invalid now, at least, and I try to control how I react to them. I tell myself it'll pass, that it isn't how I really feel, even when I feel it so intensely that I'm literally incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
As I've said before, I hope the NHS will be able to help me cope with my symptoms. It's exhausting having to manage it on my own.

Please don't quote.

[Jam]

1) How does BPD affect you?

Same as Abi, word for word, I could have written that myself, but with shitty spelling and grammar.
I said on here recently that I can't form friendships cos I get attached to people. I swing from idolising them to being insanely hurt and jealous of them for no reason. I also can't get close to people cos i fall in love with them far too easily. Im a former drug addict, current sex addict, and I have to really fight to control my impulsive nature. Like Abi, I suffer from a poor sense of self.
My self esteem is so low, infact I have none.
My emotions are intense to the point where it's all encompasing, and I can't control them.

2.) How was the process of getting diagnosed?

Its around 2years ago, I was actually seeing a therapist about my OCD. Oh, in typical BPD fashion, I grew attached to my therapist and wanted to fuk her til she loved me. I even wrote a thread about it on here.

3.) Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?

Only my gf knows. She weren't surprised, just another acronym to add to the list.

4.) Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?

Nope.

I feel like a child being forced to live in an adult world

Truer words were never spoken.

[Jam]

This is worth purchasing for the title alone.

[Metal Goat]

I've read that! Awesome title. Good book.

[Jam]

I think we three need to meet up in China, snort coke off each others bum holes, followed by the greatest week long threesome, binge eat on chicken chow mein after, cos a 7 day threesome is energy consuming, and then we can take it in turns to cry as we all irrationally think, despite spreading our junk equally, "Less time was spent on me during the threesome", which would leave us feeling rejected. Then Lyra would be like, "I also feel rejected and left out when Abi and Jam talks about parenting techniques". Then your solid friendship would be put to the test as you both would fight it out for my attention and effection. Then after a while you'll both laugh it off and rekindle your friendship and be like "What did we ever see in Jam? He ain't even white. He ain't got a beard. He ain't even a twee hipster that plays the ukulele".
And I'll be like, "I may not be white, but I go all pale in the winter, and I'll stay out the sun. I would grow a beard but, despite not being asian or arab, growing a beard makes me look like a terrorist. And lets be honest, my jaw line is far too amazing for it to be covered up by a beard. And, biatch, a ukulele is something I can learn to play. Validate me, validate me."

[Abigail Hobbs]

^^^ That is a depressingly accurate example of BPD.

^ It took it out of me to write my post too but I felt like it was important to get it out. It's the reason I suggested an Other Mental Illnesses section. I think this could be good for all of us. But obviously don't feel pressured to post about it if it's too hard for you.

[firemonkey]

Originally Posted by either/or

I felt as if I lost a part of my identity and wasn't sure who 'I' was anymore.

Isn't that a fundamental part of BPD, a lack of a stable sense of identity?

[Abigail Hobbs]

Well, in typical BPD fashion I completely changed my opinion and wrote out a letter to my mum. I thought I'd find it easier than trying to explain it to her with spoken words. She was really understanding. I feel loads better for explaining it to her.

[Mo34]

Originally Posted by Kyle*

Environmental factors

being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child
being neglected by one or both parents
growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem
A person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.
Unresolved fear, anger and distress from childhood can lead to a variety of distorted adult thinking patterns, such as idealising others, expecting others to be a parent to you, expecting other people to bully you, and behaving as if other people are adults and you are not.

Shit, well most of that sums me up pretty much
I'm not sure what I think of BPD in relation to me, though I've been told a lot by CBT practioners that I have distorted thinking. And the CMHT alluded to that fact that I had 'a' personality disorder, though they ignored it completely. I tend to avoid (there's a surprise!) looking into it as a subject tbh. It bothers me for some reason. I was sitting in a office a few years ago for voluntary work and read the leaflets of the organisation all of which were about BPD and some of it (not all) really hit home esp around identity issues. Though at the time I was probably more pre occupied and angered by the fact that the ppl the leaflets were designed for were all being ignored by the NHS.


I still remain undecided.

[Mo34]

^
Yes I'm the same I do personally think PD's exist, the NHS seems to hold back and offer specialist treatment for only high end patients who are at a lot of risk (in my area anyway). It's a limited and costly resource sadly I suppose.

Lol yes I guess we all (ppl with mental health issues) have a distorted view of ourselves and the world. I didn't get on with CBT unfortunately, did not find it helpful at all. I get along better with long term person centred counselling/psychotherapy thankfully (my saviour in fact, to say it's made me a better, balanced person is no understatement). But I suppose it's different strokes for different folks and all that

[Abigail Hobbs]

I posted this quote in the books thread before. It's from this:

Selecting a controlling partner is another way to simplify choices and create a sense of continuity, although at the expense of being stifled or even abused. This strategy may work well until something disrupts the relationship, leaving you suddenly directionless.

Can anyone else relate? It was when I left my ex that my symptoms exploded. I always displayed BPD behaviour but having someone who controlled what I thought and what I did - who I am, really, made life easier in a way and it was part of the reason it took me so long to leave him. When I left him, I just erupted. I was 17 when I met him so I basically went from my parent's control into his.

[Mu.]

I've posted a lot about PD stuff on this forum in the past.

When I first got in touch with mental health services I ended up in a place that many people end up: being prescribed medications and CBT and very little else. I never made any progress during this time, and none of the services I was referred to ever did a thing for me.

It wasn't until I was referred to a specialist service for personality disorder (over three years ago now) that things started to change for me. In fact I usually tell people that I made more progress in one year with the PD service than I did in five years with general mental health services, and it's absolutely true. Ever since then I've taken a big interest in personality disorder services in my area, and I do a lot of work now related to service development, staff training and research.

Originally people with a diagnosis of personality disorder were simply excluded from mental health services, and this was the case right up until 2003 when the national guidelines were changed. With this there was an expectation that mental health trusts would develop specialist services for people with personality disorder, but this didn't really happen. Instead people with personality disorder have just ended up within general mental health services, which are ineffectual at best and iatrogenic at worst (especially wards). Staff within general mental health services don't receive much training about personality disorder either. If you're lucky you might meet a clinical psychologist who did 5 days on PD as part of their degree.

Whether or not there are good specialist services for personality disorder available to you depends on where in the country you happen to live. It's worth pestering your consultants to find out what might be out there. If you're in the Liverpool/Sefton area our services are quite good (the PD Hub offers three different modalities of therapy in addition to a psycho-education group for PD) and it's possible we might even have a specialist day service and crisis service at some point in the future. I also know that Manchester must have some services specifically for PD because I know they have a therapeutic community running, or at least they used to. Colchester has the Haven. No idea about the rest of the country, though.

[daveysurfy]

Modern treatments for bpd are as effective as treatment for depression these days, at least thats what I hear on the grapevine.

[MrsJones]

1.) How does your BPD affect you?

-- Black and white thinking about people and situations. There's no middle ground
-- Self harm; undereating; overeating
-- Intense preoccupation with my appearance and whether others find me attractive
-- Very impulsive; I had botox on a whim. Had piercings I regret also on a spontaneous decision
-- I spend like there's no tomorrow
-- Fear of my mum passing; this stops me from truly being able to enjoy any activity because I always think "My mum's going to die one day.."
-- Unstable identity; sometimes I'm convinced that I was born in the wrong body. Sometimes I think I look fabulous, other times..like a tramp!
-- I can be suicidal one day, buying the things I need online to kill myself, then the following day I'm making plans for the future.

2.) How was the process of getting diagnosed?

I saw an Advanced Nurse Practitioner at a Mental Health Unit about my depression and anxiety- and he diagnosed me with BPD. My psychologist confirmed the diagnosis.

3.) Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?

I think my sister already knows. She had BPD, too. I don't talk about my MH issues with family or friends.

4.) Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?

Not really?

[LonelyBoy]

Originally Posted by Abigail Hobbs

I'm self-diagnosed but I'm hoping to get a professional diagnosis on the NHS when I start seeing a psychologist.

I've heard of doctor-shopping before, but never diagnosis-shopping.

[umm]

I'd heard of borderline personality disorder before but thought it was a sort of troubled, criminal mindset. Reading about it though, alot of it rings true. If I am around strong personalities I literally start to take on their characteristics, and struggle to see myself, to even remember what I'm like in there. I fall in love with the most transient of strangers and tire of them soon after. Everything about me seems impermanent which is one of the reasons I avoid people; because I have no assurances that I will be the same person they thought they met. And that's a weirdness I can do without. Strange, isn't it? So maybe I have this disorder, maybe not. If not, I suppose I ought to apologise for hijacking a thread concerning genuine mental health problems.

[daveysurfy]

I think people need to be careful when searching for answers and looking at personality disorders, only a professional can make that diagnosis

[Abigail Hobbs]

^ Amazing.

[firemonkey]

I have never had the borderline diagnosis but psychiatric records when first being switched from schizoaffective to a PD dx variously said 'consisting of
sensitive and explosive traits' 'emotional and explosive traits' and
'mainly consisting of sensitive,compulsive,emotional,unstable and
impulsive behaviour.

Nowadays it's paranoid PD which I think can be a comorbid PD with BPD alongside avoidant.

[DelicateFlower]

1.) How does your BPD affect you?
For me it's the mood swings and behaviours that my BPD causes that makes me feel ashamed of myself. I have a deep hatred of myself and no matter how much I try I cannot value myself. This is my biggest issue, although I get many of the other symptoms only milder.
2.) How was the process of getting diagnosed?
I had issues all my life. Don't actually know which doctor diagnosed me as I found out when a psychiatric nurse accidently showed me my notes. My father also had a PD and I was bought up in a dysfunctional home.
3.) Have you told people IRL about it? How did they react?
I'm very open about it as it's very obvious there is something wrong with me anyway. Most people work out I'm mentally ill before I tell them, although often they think I'm bipolar. From experience, most people have never heard of BPD.
4.) Have you found any useful ways of coping and managing symptoms?
Medication has helped a lot, especially mood stabiliser Topiramate.

[tryinghard]

Originally Posted by daveysurfy

I think people need to be careful when searching for answers and looking at personality disorders, only a professional can make that diagnosis

They often won't, because it's not always helpful. BPD seems to get diagnosed more often than the others, but I got a kind of 'implication' that there were 'personality issues' when I was on the NHS. My case was described - for years and repeatedly - as 'complex'. I eventually got 'complex case treatment', which is usually reserved for PDs but not always (chronic and unremitting anxiety and depression are also treated as complex, but tbh that's because they are usually the result of PD characteristics). I asked about BPD because it was the only one I had heard of, and my therapist said she would be "very concerned" if anyone gave me that diagnosis. Being anxious, I occasionally look back on that statement and think - does she mean I definitely don't have it? (What I thought at the time), or does she mean it's not a good diagnosis to have treatment wise?

Reading this thread I definitely don't have it.

[DelicateFlower]

Has anybody on here attended STEPPS for BPD? I'm starting it this week and I'm really nervous, they seemed to think it might help my social anxiety as well (or maybe they just think tossing me in a group therapy session will be some kind of graded exposure).

[pheys]

5htp literally changed my bpd around.
whilst I still have the impulsiveness to binge drink, steal and eat crap, it elimininated the constant switch between what I thought was love at the time (actually obsession) one minute and absolute despising of the same person an hour later.

it's allowed me to see in grey and not take shit so personally.

[DelicateFlower]

Originally Posted by pheys

5htp literally changed my bpd around.
whilst I still have the impulsiveness to binge drink, steal and eat crap, it elimininated the constant switch between what I thought was love at the time (actually obsession) one minute and absolute despising of the same person an hour later.

it's allowed me to see in grey and not take shit so personally.

That's great you found something that has helped you. 5HTP didn't do much for me personally.

I think too many psychiatrists still believe medication is ineffective in BPD patients. It's a myth, I cannot believe the difference medication makes although the side effects are crap and I'm wiped out most of the time.

[DelicateFlower]

I started STEPPS Wednesday, it was very difficult. I was trying not to cry through out the whole session. Talking about BPD in a group out loud made it more real. I'll try again this coming Wednesday and hopefully it will get easier.

[ghost.of.an.englishman]

Interesting thread. I had a good friend I'm pretty sure had BPD, though I felt like I didn't have the right to be the one who told her, and I didn't want it to come across as a form of attack. Though maybe if she was aware she could cope with it a little better ? (assuming she had it).

well anyway I hope understanding of the condition improves

[DelicateFlower]

My mother told me my problems started after my grandfather died when I was about 3 years old, up until that point I was a quiet child. I had emotional problems from then onwards. My father was an alcoholic who had a personality disorder which he never addressed. He was quite a scary person to live with.

When I was 8 my brother was killed in a road accident, he developed an alcohol problem as a result of his SA and it impaired his judgment. He went for a night out out and had a lot to drink, on his way home he was picked on by a group of youths and ran after into the road. He was hit by a truck. I had an up and down school life. I went to a few different schools. By the time I was 10 I was developing SA and started being bullied.

I believe BPD is a combination of genetics and environment. Both factors were there in my case.

[pheys]

Originally Posted by DelicateFlower

That's great you found something that has helped you. 5HTP didn't do much for me personally.

I think too many psychiatrists still believe medication is ineffective in BPD patients. It's a myth, I cannot believe the difference medication makes although the side effects are crap and I'm wiped out most of the time.

I do believe it depends on the cause of the bpd. if it's simply a chemical imbalance then it's easily fixed (although definitely with always ****ed side effects) but if it's due to core beliefs then it's not so easy

[Abigail Hobbs]

^ I often get all seven of those in just the one day.