when did SA start for you?

[Bluebear]

I was wondering if anyone remembers being 5 or 6 or 7 years old and being shy and quiet even then?

Or maybe it started later, at 12 or 13...

Or later still, around 24 to 31? (maybe a doctor noticed it and labelled it then?)

[biscuits]

I was a really confident child - standing at a microphone whilst I narrated the Christmas play to all the parents kind of confident.

It started to happen at 11. It was like a parasite that slowly took over my body and had full control over it around 16. I had really good friends, so it took over me slowly and then at 16 it crippled me socially and I stopped seeing my friends.

[Dougella]

I was always pretty shy and quiet and generally anxious. But full blown SA started around 11 or 12.

[Mr. Nobody]

I was a bit quiet and introverted as a child, but happily so, I think,
Although, admittedly, I was rather an odd, quirky child I think,
Looking back, I did seem to have quite a few glaring autistic traits.

I developed a serious speech impediment when I was 10,
And, just couldn't seem to shake it off, or get out of it,..
It seemed to somehow be physically a part of me,
It seriously eroded my self-confidence and really marginalised me from my peers,
This went on right into my early twenties unfortunately.
Don't think I ever really recovered from that,
When something as drastic as not being able to speak even short sentences without looking like a freak,
When that happens at the cusp of puberty, then,..that affects all aspects of your development of your social life,.. making friends, building confidence etc
meeting the opposite sex,... it just spoils that forever,
I say forever, because early teens are a sensitive developmental stage in your life, so it's ripples go on and on, unfortunately.

[Your Mum]

It was 1994. The 31st of August, to be exact. That's my first memory of feeling socially anxious. It was my first day of secondary school, I knew almost nobody and I remember feeling intensely self-conscious as I sat alone in the back corner in the first assembly.

It was a perfect storm - the beginning of puberty, a new school in an unfamiliar crap town. My friends had all gone to different schools, and it would take me a couple of years to make some new ones. By which point, the damage had been done, and it would take a quarter of a century to undo.

I often wonder, if I'd sat somewhere else on that day, maybe things would've turned out differently. Twenty-five wasted years.

[Jen.]

I don't have any memories where I wasn't at least a little "shy", but I remember my first primary school teacher in the UK making fun of my accent in front of everyone and encouraging the rest of the kids to do the same - she would do impressions of me or do a routine where she'd pretend not to understand something I'd said even though she almost definitely did, and ask people to repeat my answers for her. Before then I would have happily volunteered to answer questions in front of the class. She definitely turned it into an issue that I still feel the effects of 25 years later and it feels like if not for her the initial shyness probably wouldn't have developed into something else or may have even gone away completely. I was always confused about what her problem with me was. I remember at a parents' evening sitting in a corner by the books listening to their conversation about me and being confused by how she clearly understood my dad even though he spoke the same as me.

[Percy]

Jen that's terrible

I can remember being 5 and hiding in the toilets to avoid a christmas party

[Bluebear]

[Sunrise]

Around 12/13. It happened quite suddenly. As a younger child I was very care free and the sort of kid who would speak to anyone and was always up to some sort of adventure. I was a bit of a drama queen but I wasn't unhappy or lacking in confidence. I was very precocious.

From around 13-20 the life was suddenly sucked out of me and I lived as a virtual recluse. I was very depressed and avoided anything social, and I was practically mute in the company of others. I improved massively once I hit my 20's but I've always had a dark shadow hanging over me.

I think my life peaked at the age of about 5.

[cymruambyth26]

I would say it started for me around the age of 12-13 also. I began to notice that peers in my school weren't hanging around or playing with me as much as they were in primary. They had withdrawn from me and didn't have that same interest.

I became more reluctant to go out after school when groups of people would call for me/knocking on my door. Became more reclusive/introverted. I started using online chat rooms to talk to people and connect.

I still managed to maintain one friend for another year or so but even that turned nasty. Then I just spent the rest of my days in secondary school very much by myself in the playground and wanting to be introverted.

I could talk about this for hours and hours but yeah...it got worse turned into severe depression...survived...got better....was doing well for years...now I'm struggling again...this time the doctor suspects undiagnosed ASD.

[citizen_erased]

I can't remember a time when I wasn't shy or quiet. There isn't a moment or an age when I can pinpoint this developing into SA, although looking back it was probably somewhere in my mid teens. It wasn't until my early twenties that I realised that I had SA though because this by point it was seriously affecting my self-confidence and my life and I knew it was more than just shyness.

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[Broncobill]

I can remember when, probably first week of September 1977. I was 5 and it was my first day of school, I didn’t want to go and had a meltdown on the front porch.

The thought of leaving my parents and interacting with peers I didn’t know was terrifying. This may have been a one off abandonedment incident though, or an admixture.

I had a core group of friends both at primary, and secondary school that I was comfortable with to socialise, in and out of school.. However, I had extreme anxiety with the opposite sex and missed many opportunities for fun, when girls were interestedin me. The anxiety was fear of rejection or social faux pas, which haunts me to this day, compounded by two subsequent separation relationships.

After my first period of depression at 21, I've never really felt comfortable in company, especially if not using alcohol. I despise it, as you all know the work and relationship opportunities it destroys is devastating.

In my case, a lot of it is also related to low self esteem due to life experiences and a sibling.


I

[Mr. Nobody]

^
I can clearly recall my first ever day of school, and recall being very emotionally upset, but trying desperately not to let it show,..
It did seem quite a sad thing, and I couldn't quite understand why this had to be where I had to go every day,...
I was always quite happy at home just doing my own thing every day lol
It's silly really that people thought it was okay to suddenly spring "school" on you without any real warning,
That's why nurseries are such a good thing I think, as it lets young children experience being away from home in small incremental bites and gets you used to interacting with lots of other children,

I think the first day at school was probably just as sad for my Mum as it was for me?

I do recall clutching a small bag of sweets to get me through the first days of school and inadvertently dropping them in the mud on the way into the school grounds, and the other harder kids just passing by and laughing at me and my misfortune,.. I felt pretty miffed about that, I recall,...
(Although, looking back, it probably meant one less tooth filling to suffer at the dentist lol)

[Dougella]

^ Did you go to nursery school or playgroup as it used to be called? I remember there was kind of a lead up there of talking about going to "big school" and going to school with a lot of the same children I already knew so that made it easier I think.

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Did you go to nursery school or playgroup as it used to be called?

no,. I was straight into school at 5, so it was a bit of an unpleasant shock initially.
before that, I was really a bit of a loner, but happy in my own company,

nursery wasn't really an option back then I think.

[Dougella]

^ It must have been a pretty big shock for lots of kids! Especially if they didn't have siblings or weren't used to being around other children generally.
Although my Mum has told me that when she first took me to a toddler group a boy came up and slapped me in the face. I'm not sure that set me off very well for viewing socialising positively

[Dougella]

^ Kids used to fall over and fall off things and get hurt all the time. I'm sure they still do but now it all gets put in a incident book etc.

I think I was always going to develop SA because I was socialised totally normally as a child and my parents are socially normal and I still ended up with severe social anxiety disorder (as diagnosed by a psychiatrist) by the time I was 13/14.

[Moksha]

My SA is just a symptom of a deeper personality disorder (an insular-avoidant-paranoid PD). I knew something was wrong by eight or nine. After that things got progressively worse. It probably peaked at around 16. I remember going on a day trip to the local sixth form college and being so overwhelmed I went and sat in the park. Looking back, I simply had no idea how to talk to people. I’d be aggressive and insulting, or make stupid jokes, or simply shut down altogether. Utterly awful. I’d happily forget so much of my life.

[Consolida]

I was a painfully shy child from the age of around 7 onwards and suffered with, what I now know, to be selective mutism. I'd never put my hand up in class and would nod or shake my head rather than speak up. I chatted a lot at home and with the odd friend outside of school but at school I remained largely silent. When I was 8 I was forced to leave my local Junior school and join what was called 'The Unit', a classroom in another mainstream school which consisted of a small assortment of children with vastly different issues and special needs. If I hadn't already felt odd and ashamed for being quiet I did now.

Perhaps with lots of adult encouragement and praise instead of chastisement and criticism I would have eventually grown out of my shyness, who knows? My son was also very shy as a young child but has grown into a sociable and independent adult. Sadly, by about 14 I had developed full blown SA which meant that my teens and well into my 20's were a living hell. I never fully overcame my SA and these days avoid excessively uncomfortable situations which makes life somewhat easier although immensely restrictive and isolating.

[Chess&Junkfood]

Up until the age of 8, I was fine. I kind of remember going to nursery school from the ages of 3 to 5. Where there were no problems that I can recall. Then when the transition from nursery to primary school happened, that seemed to go fine. From what I can remember anyway. Then when I was about 8, I was playing tag in the schoolyard. I remember tagging this kid. Where he then fell and hurt his knee. Then the next morning, I was waiting to go into my form class. Which was like a hut, outside from the main school building. And as I was waiting outside, I noticed that kid was walking with the dinner lady. Who turned out to be his mother. I can still vividly remember how the dinner lady was looming over me and saying:

"If you ever push my son over again, I will tell your teachers and your parents"

Then walked off.

Which is when I remember becoming a lot more cautious. I think it wouldn't have impacted me so much if I was a bully. That way, it would have felt justified. But as it was such a defining moment, I clearly remember it being an accident. Which is when I remember becoming a lot more cautious at that point. It was as if my guard had suddenly dropped and the other kids had started to sense my weakness. As if they could see the droplets of blood in the water. And by the time high school had come around, it was like a feeding frenzy. It also didn't help that you were made to feel like you shouldn't grass on someone. Yes, you are indeed beating the crap out of me, but not to worry, no grassing will take place here. It was basically like putting your head in an emotional vise and having to endure the trauma. While not realising the emotional toll it would eventually have on you.

On reflection, I genuinely don't hold any ill feelings towards those kids that went for me. They couldn't have been happy themselves to do that. As for the mother. That's still a tricky one to resolve. I get that she might have thought that a potential problem was being nipped in the bud. Who would have no idea of the impact that it would have on me. I don't know. That's life. And it might as well be a different life. As so much time has passed by since then. Whereas now, I am still having to accept those missed opportunities that have passed me by. Even now, I still feel like I need one of those blow darts to get that bitter pill down my oesophagus

Please don't quote

[3stacks]

Around 14

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[Consolida]

^^ Your recollection of the child and his mother has reminded me a little of an incident when I was also 8.

I had to go into Hospital to have grommets inserted and my adenoids removed. It was my first stay in a hospital and my first experience being away from home without my parents. I was incredibly homesick and quietly cried under my bed covers during the night. I had a doll that I'd brought with me from home and had placed in my bedside cabinet for safe keeping. When I discovered that it was gone and that another child had stolen it I was mortified. As I was too timid and shy to say anything directly to the child I must have waited until hospital visiting time to tell my mum. The doll was retrieved and that was the end of that. However, the next day, when I was alone in the bathroom washing my hands, the child - who was a couple of years younger than me - came in with her mother and the mother pulled her daughter away saying something like:

"Don't go near her, she isn't a very nice little girl"

I think hearing an adult say those words cut me far deeper than if they had come from a child because, in my young nieve mind, adults were always meant to be right, to always know best. I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong in wanting my doll back so I didn't equate the mothers words with the specific incident but took her comment as an overall condemnation of me.

It's sad how the thoughtless throwaway comments of an adult can have such a devastating affect on a child's confidence and be vividly recalled decades after the event.

I'm so sorry that you suffered those horrible experiences at school Chess&Junk

[Chess&Junkfood]

Thank you, Consolida. I appreciate it

I'm also sorry to hear about your situation . I wonder if that mother was also a dinner lady . But in all seriousness, it is interesting how a throwaway comment can impact you as a child. And like you said, adults must know best. Then to have an adult step into your child world. Who might as well be God at that point. Can exercise a lot more power than you can. Only to find that by the time you reach their world, it's almost like a scene from the wizard of oz. Where you pull back the curtains, only to see the mayor for who he really is. Flaws and all. Or something like that.

[Consolida]

^ Thank you

[mj187]

I can't be entirely sure but I wasn't a popular child & had to deal with bullies at a young age. I was never confident to take them on so I guess that made me feel quite low.
My mother died when I was 13 & I guess from then I felt like the world was against me. I've never been able to shake that off.
I've always taken the easy option to not add pressure on myself. That low self esteem & the lack of confident in myself has stayed with me.