Anyone else feel fatigued with the thought of others advising them how to be

[Amara 94]

I feel with certain stuff maybe I’m better at taking someone’s opinion or have somewhat became numb to it, in a word way that maybe I’m not really numb but suppress it.

I’m thinking about the last time I met my older male cousin. He didn’t seem to really want to meet me but I spoke more with his friend. His friend commented that my low confidence wasn’t alright and how I needed a girl and to go out more. Not in this blunt way I provide but in a way where I can see what he is saying because I have heard the message dozens of times. At the time, I felt he was just being a caring, or concerned person. Maybe that’s me trying to suppress how annoying the message was because later the message sounds a bit annoying. It’s true but it’s like he could only see that part of me or like, my cousin even, needs to look down on me.

But I think what brings this question up is that now I’m on holiday from uni I was thinking of hobbies to take up or learn. Idk why, but it’s almost like feeling I’m good at something makes me imagine some peace of mind that I’m somewhat good enough.

Some meetups in the past have consisted of messaging that I have to be a particular type of person to be accepted. In particular I remember a men’s group I joined, maybe it’s not as bad as I see it really but something that really irritated me about one session was that one guy admitted how his dad was abusive and that he had eating issues and the other guys were saying how he came across weak or they felt they needed to protect him. Maybe it isn’t bad but it was like you were expected to be a certain way.

I think I feel some fatigue and even anger from people saying how I should be if I think about it rather than just speaking with me.


But maybe that’s just reality and it’s better to find people on a more similar wavelength.

[biscuits]

Yeah, advice out of nowhere can be exhausting because you haven't mentally prepared for advice. I like to think about what I'm going to ask advice about and consider my options first then discuss it with others. I'd feel jumped on if someone just gave me advice out of nowhere - although I'd also feel loved and cared for that someone has been thinking of me and trying to help. It depends on what it's about and their intentions really.

Yes on the last sentence, although I do like to talk to a range of people rather than those who would only confirm my anxious thoughts and beliefs because they have similar anxieties and it would just perpetuate.

Do you get the chance to join societies etc at uni?

[Sunrise]

Why Unsolicited Advice Causes Stress

I find whenever I'm given unsolicited advice it is always without exception delivered in a very blunt and antagonistic way. But it's important to remember that people rarely give unsolicited advice out of an altruistic sense of kindness, it is usually about power and control. The best thing to do is tell them exactly where they should shove their "advice" and let them know you're not going to take any more shit from them, because with people like that it is ALWAYS about power, dominance and control. Make it clear that you're not going to be easy prey for them.

[Merry]

^ Those are really interesting

I get really frustrated if something is bothering me and I try and share it and get advice rather than empathy. That's more with my immediate family (parents), who don't seem to be able to just be kind or show they care, so instead will reel off a load of pointless advice or change the subject, or just stare at me blankly.
I don't mind advice if I've specifically asked for it, I think that's always well intentioned and different from sharing a problem, but not asking "how" or "what" questions about it.
I have a few fairly recent friends who I talk to quite openly about different struggles and they both seem to be able to empathise and give thoughtful advice, which is really nice.

There's a woman on my uni course who seems to constantly tell me what I should be doing, either in the what I'm physically doing or with my work. Whenever we do crits she says "you could...." without me asking for any input and I find it irritating. It's definitely a dominance thing. I can't mention anything without her saying "you should...blah blah blah". I don't really need her help or advice, often she's wrong anyway about things, because she doesn't listen. I think it's a need for her to feel in control all the time. I find it very off putting. It is very tiring because it constantly requires an answer, "thank you, I'll give that some thought" etc. Maybe it does come from neediness.

[Amara 94]

^ Me as well. And with some family members if I just say I don’t feel good about something it’s as if I’m saying I’m ungrateful or they start to make the topic about them having it worse.

I’ve had colleagues like the classmate you speak about. Yeah it’s a control or insecurity thing.

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by biscuits

Yeah, advice out of nowhere can be exhausting because you haven't mentally prepared for advice. I like to think about what I'm going to ask advice about and consider my options first then discuss it with others. I'd feel jumped on if someone just gave me advice out of nowhere - although I'd also feel loved and cared for that someone has been thinking of me and trying to help. It depends on what it's about and their intentions really.

Yes on the last sentence, although I do like to talk to a range of people rather than those who would only confirm my anxious thoughts and beliefs because they have similar anxieties and it would just perpetuate.

Do you get the chance to join societies etc at uni?

No, I checked the student union but wasn’t too interested in the groups. I might check again.

[biscuits]

^ hope you find something. I went to a mental health group - which was focused more around going for walks at lunch time and things like that rather than discussing mental health - which was wonderful! Also I joined the tea party society and somehow ended up as social secretary! Then I was in Amnesty International, and People and Planet. We managed to change the university to become a fair trade uni. Oh there was a film society where we watched films in the lecture theatres.

[LittleMissMouse]

Oh yes, this is my current bugbear. At the moment I just seem to be surrounded by people who are always saying "what you should do is..., what you need to do is..., you need to get a new..., you need to sort..." and it is driving me insane. I know that sometimes it is people genuinely trying to be helpful but when it is just constant it feels very much like people feel that they need to tell me what I should do because I am a silly little girl who couldn't work something out, or use google, for myself.

[BFG_]

^new house going well then

[Merry]

^^ exactly, it can be really condescending. I feel like people mistake quietness in social situations for a lack of general capability. Lots of people seem to be not especially capable but do like to talk about themselves and what they do a lot, so maybe they assume that if someone isn't talking about doing something, then they just aren't capable of it, or aren't even thinking about it? Like, only verbalised thoughts make sense to them?
The woman on my course who's always giving me advice is always talking about herself and how she's getting on.
I don't think people like that understand that some people can quietly just get on with stuff, without telling everyone.

[LittleMissMouse]

Originally Posted by BFG_

^new house going well then

It's more of an overarching moving back to the island in general that seems to be generating all the unsolicited advice. Although my neighbour is obsessed with my toilet and keeps lecturing me about it - I have a macerating toilet upstairs and the pipe going from it is too small, though I guess that all depends on a lot of variables really (it has been designated the tinkle only toilet) but every single time I see my neighbour he lectures me about how I need to replace my toilet. He also speaks to me slowly and clearly on account of me being an idiot. I'm sure a therapist could unpack quite a lot about how obsessed he is with my toilet.
I also have a friend who keeps on insisting that what I need to do now is buy a flat, rent it out and use the money from the rent to pay the mortgage on this house, which sort of feels suspiciously like some sort of ponzi scheme - because then I'd need to buy another property and rent that out to pay the mortgage on the flat. He is at risk of getting downgraded from friend to random person that I happen to know anyway if he persists with this.
I'm also struggling to find a decent gym to train at so I've got a continuous stream of - why don't you do pilates? Because I don't want to do pilates. Why don't you do park run? Mainly because it is at 9 am on a Saturday morning. Why don't you join a running club? Because they are notoriously cliquey and I don't really want to have to travel to the next town over to go for a run with a bunch of cliquey folk when i can just go on my own. Why don't I get a car - you should buy a car - this is, to be fair, quite a good one, because it's partly because I don't have parking but mainly because I massively underestimated how awful public transport is in this country.
I know most of it is well intentioned but it does come across as immensely partronising a lot of the time.

[LittleMissMouse]

Originally Posted by Merry

^^ exactly, it can be really condescending. I feel like people mistake quietness in social situations for a lack of general capability. Lots of people seem to be not especially capable but do like to talk about themselves and what they do a lot, so maybe they assume that if someone isn't talking about doing something, then they just aren't capable of it, or aren't even thinking about it? Like, only verbalised thoughts make sense to them?
The woman on my course who's always giving me advice is always talking about herself and how she's getting on.
I don't think people like that understand that some people can quietly just get on with stuff, without telling everyone.

That's the thing, I know some of it is done with the best of intent, but it just comes across as "I am far more proficient at being a grown up than you are so you should do what I tell you to"

[BFG_]

^^macerating toilet sounds like fun

Know it all neighbour sounds like a pain.

[Appear]

Yessssssss.

I have a deal with my partner that if I share something I'm struggling with he's not allowed to immediately 'solutionise'. He's a problem-solver, so will naturally jump on it. But when I share something like that it's usually because I just want the issue and my feelings about it acknowledged by someone else (I think most of us tend to be the same). That and because I'll have already run through 100s of potential solutions and can be a total know-it-all, so won't be receptive to input.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I'm like a Brita water filter when it comes to receiving unsolicited advice. Where I'm internally filtering it down to it's most palatable consumption. Which then helps me to deliver that polite response. Although if I forget to change my filter, then bitterness and resentment might accidentally spew out of me. But even then I always try to spew it out in a polite way.

[R.H.I.N.O.]

I don't take kindly to "advice" from others, however well intentioned.

I'm a contrarian, so I'd probably do the opposite on principle.

[Dougella]

Yes, people who think that because the way they did something worked for them then everyone else should also do the same as they did are the worst.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by LittleMissMouse

It's more of an overarching moving back to the island in general that seems to be generating all the unsolicited advice. Although my neighbour is obsessed with my toilet and keeps lecturing me about it - I have a macerating toilet upstairs and the pipe going from it is too small, though I guess that all depends on a lot of variables really (it has been designated the tinkle only toilet) but every single time I see my neighbour he lectures me about how I need to replace my toilet. He also speaks to me slowly and clearly on account of me being an idiot. I'm sure a therapist could unpack quite a lot about how obsessed he is with my toilet.
I also have a friend who keeps on insisting that what I need to do now is buy a flat, rent it out and use the money from the rent to pay the mortgage on this house, which sort of feels suspiciously like some sort of ponzi scheme - because then I'd need to buy another property and rent that out to pay the mortgage on the flat. He is at risk of getting downgraded from friend to random person that I happen to know anyway if he persists with this.
I'm also struggling to find a decent gym to train at so I've got a continuous stream of - why don't you do pilates? Because I don't want to do pilates. Why don't you do park run? Mainly because it is at 9 am on a Saturday morning. Why don't you join a running club? Because they are notoriously cliquey and I don't really want to have to travel to the next town over to go for a run with a bunch of cliquey folk when i can just go on my own. Why don't I get a car - you should buy a car - this is, to be fair, quite a good one, because it's partly because I don't have parking but mainly because I massively underestimated how awful public transport is in this country.
I know most of it is well intentioned but it does come across as immensely partronising a lot of the time.

I have to know, what is a macerating toilet?!

[Ezio]

Not sure if it relates but I started a new job 2 years ago. Environment was very different to previous places I worked. For the first year I tended to listen to more what others thought and went with the their suggestions. Alot of the situations didn't end well, maybe because most of the people giving advice had different personalities.

Last year I tried to just trust my gut more and do what I believed was best in different situations. Not everything was resolved but saw definite improvements. I also did feel a lot better as feel the decisions are mine so if they don't go well, I can least learn from my own experiences etc.

Also just thinking outside the box, maybe its harder for someone whose more empathic to not take advice as they feel the emotions of people close to them more.

[BFG_]

Originally Posted by Dougella

I have to know, what is a macerating toilet?!

Imagine a food processor/blender but for turds. With a big pipe from toilet going into one end and a small pipe going out to your sewer.

[Dougella]

^ I can see now why LittleMissMouse has designated it the tinkle only toilet then