#1
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Anyone else blame the parents?
I know you're not supposed to and that we have to take responsibility for ourselves etc blah blah but I do blame mine to a certain extent.
They have never given me ANY emotional support or encouragement or praise as they think you should just 'get on with things'. They are quite generous on dishing out negativity though, that seems to flow like a waterfall. I therefore feel I have been battling along all my life like a wilted flower that needs water. I have always felt like a pet in that they provided a roof over my head, food and water and that I should just be grateful for being born. Their work is done, so to speak. In fact, I think they thought that having children would be like keeping a pet - they have no idea about emotional issues at all. I know that if I'd had more support/encouragement/praise/time given to me etc, I would be a lot different today. I know other things come into it as well but if I'd had this as a good foundation to build on, I know I would have been a lot better. Does this strike a chord with anyone? TTFN |
#2
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I used to when I was younger, out of a mixture of frustration, bitterness and misunderstanding. But when it comes down it they are a product of their own upbringing as well. So where should the blame stop?
Its difficult not to put blame anywhere when you are feeling so bad, even if you put the blame on yourself. But I try not to blame anyone anymore. |
#3
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I used to blame my parents, but I realise they had bad parents so its not surprising they are messed up as well.
Blame doesn't help a situation, so its best to move on and break the cycle - if you have kids yourself, as I did, you will only end up creating another generation of messed up kids (though my ex-wife did (and probably still does) far more to mess up the kids than me). You can't change the past, but you have control over the future. |
#4
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I was actually about to create a topic similar to this. I can totally relate to how you feel, especially about feeling like a pet. I know that blaming my parents is counter-productive but I also can’t ignore the truth. It’s not even like it’s their fault out of negligence, they’re the sole reason I am the way I am. I’ll give an example of the way they treat me. Yesterday my mom told me that she wanted to talk. She starts by saying I’m causing “major problems” for the family and that if I want to live in her house I need to contribute more. I was totally caught off guard and I asked her for an example of these problems. She told me I left breadcrumbs on the counter and some whiskers in the sink after shaving last week. If she can’t think of anything true to yell at me for she just makes stuff up. She never apologizes to me for anything she has ever done. She also hasn’t shown any affection for me since I was 10.
It’s almost like you have to lie to yourself or ignore the truth. To get better you need to accept responsibility but in actuality you’re not responsible. Now I look at it like this: Yes my parents are the reason I am this way, but I am the reason I continue to be this way. |
#5
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I used to blame my parents heavily for my problems, both have mental health problems, I have never met my father.
But I thought about it and they cant help the problems they have, my mum did the best she could with the problems she had. So I have forgiven her and now I take responsibility for my own problems, though do realise that the reason I have them is cos of early experiences. I understand how you feel and I do believe that parenting is what shapes us for the first 20 years or so of life. Really there's not much can be done about it once you realise it, your childhood is finished so you have to get on. A phrase that has stuck with me is: "the past does not equal the future". Apart from learning from it there's not much good it can do you. That is the phrase I say to myself as often as I can and it's now burned into my brain. Makes me less of a victim to my past. |
#6
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
Nah, moved out when i was eighteen and blamed myself instead. Most parents do the best they can and i doubt i could do any better. Each generation goes on to repeat the mistakes of the previous generation anyway.
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#7
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I don't 'blame' my parents but I do wish they had encouraged me to do more outside of the home and were less overprotective towards me - particularly my mum (who still is overprotective, though it's understandable that she would still feel like that given my anxiety), I would have liked her to have given me more space and privacy as a teenager. My parents are both fairly quiet people and generally mix only within the family - so, as I grew up, I became used to regarding socialising as a rare event rather than the norm.
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#8
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
Quote:
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#9
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
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#10
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
I agree that the way you are brought up does have a dramatic affect on how you are going to turn out in life. My upbringing lacked the warmth, love, support, encouragement and guidance that I so desperately needed when I was a child. Instead I was just left to get on with life even though inside I was crumbling and I think that`s a lot of why now I feel like I can`t cope with certain painful situations and usually go to pieces emotionally. I have children now and I know how important it is to give them these things. So even though I am a product of my parents upbringing, I can still be different towards my children. I would never want my children to feel unhappy or unwanted at home. Hence that is why I do everything possible to make them feel otherwise.
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#11
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
One thing I've realised is that sometimes parents may not even realise they are damaging their children, in the self esteem book I have been reading it gives examples of people that grew up with problems and the parents didn't really realise that their actions would cause their kids problems. Example, someone was brought up by 'old fashioned' type parents who didn't openly show warmth and affection, which made the kid feel she was unlovable and caused problems for her later in life.
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#12
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
Thanks for your replies, I'm glad some of you can relate to what I'm saying.
To the couple of people who replied that have children, I also have a child and am going out of my way to break the cycle and give him as much love/support/understanding/time etc as possible. So far it seems to be paying off as he is great and we have a great bond. sb004g9885 - I too felt like I was plonked into this world and just 'left to get on with it' and couldn't agree more with your post. flawed1 - I can relate to what you are saying as well - my parents used to go on at me about trivial things. God knows what they would have been like if I had been really bad. At least I have learnt from my own experiences how things shouldn't be done so at least something has come out of it. |
#13
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
Hey chinup it seems that we have been through similar things so if you want to talk about it further then pm me ok. My original name was sb004g9885 but have now changed it on the new board. Hope to speak to you soon.
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#14
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Re: Anyone else blame the parents?
Interesting posts. I read a book about personality development that said about two-thirds of children are brought up well enough to equip them for life, while the remaining ~third are disadvantaged by their upbringing. The emphasis was on affection and reassurance like posters here have said.
The first two years are apparently critical, and if the mother and baby don't bond, then the child will go on to have difficulty forming friendships and relationships in later life. Trough "no friends, no relationships" |