Just how ugly AM I?

[yamyam]

Sorry in advance for the stereotypical angsty post but - I'm ugly. At the moment I'm on the verge of tears with panic that maybe people really do gawp at me in the streets and maybe I really do stand out, because as much as I've tried so hard to convince myself over the past year that I'm just mundanely unattractive, I still have the feeling that maybe I attract funny looks because I look so hopelessly bad. I'm even starting to consider that I've diagnosed myself with Social Anxiety as an excuse - that maybe the reason I don't make friends and the reason I've never had a proper boyfriend is because even kind-hearted people prefer to look at something worth looking at, not because I'm just anxious. 'You'd make friends if only you had the confidence!' seems like something my mum would say.

I feel guilty saying this because I don't have birth defects and I know it's making unfair and arrogant presumptions about other people to say they all must care about looks that much. It's just that I can remember a time when I felt like a normal person, way back when, and the older I got the uglier I got, and the uglier I got the less confident and popular I got. The main thing that people bullied me for in school was how I looked. People I'd never even seen before would wipe the handles of doors after I used them, and that was just an ordinary, ever-day event that I used to laugh off. I was the joke from the very first day I arrived at school. People who'd been almost my friends in primary school suddenly wouldn't be seen dead with me and at first I couldn't figure out why. I was spotty and greasy and disgusting, and even though my hair's clean now and my face has cleared I feel like it's obvious that I look exactly the same way underneath and somehow everybody can see it.

It absolutely shatters me when people recognise me from school. I'd love to think I look like a completely different person, but I was told how ugly I was by complete strangers as late as college, and even though I've avoided people for the most part since then I'm sure that people look at me with jeering faces and laugh about me behind my back (I sometimes imagine even my best and only friend making snide remarks to her many other friends).

The odd thing is, sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't see what's so noticeable about me, but then why have people commented all my life?

I've not cried about my looks for ages. I thought I'd grown up and moved on to bigger things to cry about. For ages I've been thinking 'Screw the shallow bastards', but that's just not lasted. I feel so ashamed of myself.

[Winnie57]

Hi yamyam,
I am sorry you feel like this. I would think it is because of the way people have treated you in the past. I can't believe you are really ugly. The mirror tells you you look okay and I am sure you do!
You must build up more confidence in yourself and put the hurts of the past behind you

[GoldFish]

oh i know what you mean, im not that ugly but as a male im very skinny and im not happy with the way i look compared to what a cliched male looks like .....i overheard a few girls on the train talking about how they want a guy to be tall, well built, full hair, and charisma, they all agreed and i sort of sunk into my chair ......funny thing is when i was younger i had a healthy weight and was good looking but once puberty hit and my metabolism sped up i stayed skinny .....and now i try to lift weights on a weekly basis ....because im unhappy about people calling me "scrawny" .....and "too skinny" ...."girls like muscles" .......i know i should just ignore those comments but it only adds to the social anxiety, and you walk away feeling crap when someone comments about your body, its one of the reasons i had mild agrophobia, i just didnt want to show myself in public being aware that people think this of me, ive learnt to accept it though, and i am looking a little healthier


and summer is the difficult period when it ocmes to body image, especially with todays young people, all the young poeple my age are wearing tight clothes and look a mllion dollars .....thats why i want to put on some weight so i can feel and look physically fit

Winnie gave some sound advice, try and get to know your body and remember that you can choose to feel happy in your skin no matter what you look like, perhaps exercise more often so you feel healthy on the inside

[hardy]

Picking on people "saying theyre ugly or unlikable" deliberately to upset them spreads like a disease through groups of people.
Its a sad part of human nature. They do it whether the person IS ugly or not .Fortunately most people are not like this .Find completely new uninfected people.

[custardcreams]

I feel guilty saying this because I don't have birth defects and I know it's making unfair and arrogant presumptions about other people to say they all must care about looks that much. It's just that I can remember a time when I felt like a normal person, way back when, and the older I got the uglier I got, and the uglier I got the less confident and popular I got. The main thing that people bullied me for in school was how I looked. People I'd never even seen before would wipe the handles of doors after I used them, and that was just an ordinary, ever-day event that I used to laugh off. I was the joke from the very first day I arrived at school. People who'd been almost my friends in primary school suddenly wouldn't be seen dead with me and at first I couldn't figure out why. I was spotty and greasy and disgusting, and even though my hair's clean now and my face has cleared I feel like it's obvious that I look exactly the same way underneath and somehow everybody can see it.

like hardy says, i think a person can be labelled ugly maybe for some small inconsequential reason, even if they are not actually ugly, simply because people want someone to pick on. i've seen it enough times, some little flaw (and we all have those) in a perfectly normal looking person is picked up on and suddedly its been passed around school that they are 'ugly', and thats how they are referred to because schools are full of little sh*tes. basing your self image on stupid comments from schoolkids is not a good idea. saying that, i know how very hard it is to not do this, from personal experience. i also identify with your feeling of guilt, for judging everyone to be so concerned with appearance. i also feel guilty for the way this self-loathing has made me obsessive about the way i look and elevated its importance far beyond what it deserves. i have far more interesting things to think about, and much more important things i could work on to improve myself, yet i have days where looking in the mirror makes me literally feel sick and panicky. its nuts.

[007]

Hi yamyam, these people had not right to bully you about your looks.

If you think that they found you unnattractive because you had bad skin which has now cleared up then why do you still worry about your looks. Or have people still made comments since your skin cleared up? Anyway, most people do not look like models and you are not worth any less as a person if you are not quite as stunning as some people.

I think that having gone through what you have has probably made you aware of how shallow people can be and so you may be better able to find people who really like you for you in the future.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

oh i know what you mean, im not that ugly but as a male im very skinny and im not happy with the way i look compared to what a cliched male looks like .....i overheard a few girls on the train talking about how they want a guy to be tall, well built, full hair, and charisma, they all agreed and i sort of sunk into my chair ......funny thing is when i was younger i had a healthy weight and was good looking but once puberty hit and my metabolism sped up i stayed skinny .....and now i try to lift weights on a weekly basis ....because im unhappy about people calling me "scrawny" .....and "too skinny" ...."girls like muscles" .......i know i should just ignore those comments but it only adds to the social anxiety, and you walk away feeling crap when someone comments about your body, its one of the reasons i had mild agrophobia, i just didnt want to show myself in public being aware that people think this of me, ive learnt to accept it though, and i am looking a little healthier


and summer is the difficult period when it ocmes to body image, especially with todays young people, all the young poeple my age are wearing tight clothes and look a mllion dollars .....thats why i want to put on some weight so i can feel and look physically fit

Winnie gave some sound advice, try and get to know your body and remember that you can choose to feel happy in your skin no matter what you look like, perhaps exercise more often so you feel healthy on the inside

Why not go on a diet of high protein stuff or go to a body building shop and get some of their potions and pills for building up body mass. Then combine that with regular weight lifting?

[crimson~raven]

It saddens me the lengths others go to build themselfs up - by putting others down. You maybe suffereing from BDD - body dismorphic disorder which you can discuss with a doc or T.

I have a birth defect and have been called names in the street, it can be very upsetting. I have stages where I feel oK (I can almost pass for normal if you ran past me but not if you look directly at me). In the good moments I think well who cares what others think and sometimes thats the only thing you can do to boost yourself. But please don't feel ashamed for feeling how you feel you need to stop putting yourself down further - if your feeling down you feel down.

[Raks]

Originally Posted by yamyam

The odd thing is, sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't see what's so noticeable about me, but then why have people commented all my life?

Probaly because they think your soft and can get away with it, taking out their insecurities on you maybe.

Originally Posted by yamyam

People I'd never even seen before would wipe the handles of doors after I used them

I'am sure that was just a minority! They might of been trying to wind you up. Have you seen how many men in public loo's dont wash their hands?! Yet people dont have touching door-handle phobia.

Originally Posted by yamyam

I was told how ugly I was by complete strangers as late as college

Anyone whos got the bollox or time to say something like that is
1) a nasty person
2) not worth knowing anyway
3) will probaly get battered at some stage in their lives when they say it to the wrong person.
4) they will say that to anybody - e.g. some guys say it to girls when they reject them to annoy them, happens to everyone

Originally Posted by yamyam

I feel so ashamed of myself.

You got two choices - dwell on it, or move on. **** what other people think, your life is too short

[Johnni]

I found that when we have worries/issues with our appearance i tend to be more paranoid about what people are thinking and why they did what they did i.e look at me that way or walk closer or away from me.
I never thought i was attractive but lately i have become more increasingly anxious with my appearance thinking i am now ugly.
Being a tall & slim i dont like my appearane but as you said YamYam soemtimes when i look in the mirror i don't see the worries i have.
The low-confidence i and you have will make us more SA i think and i think sometimes i may not have SA but just low confidence as when i do feel more happier with my apperance i feel more confident talkign to people. It is like my body image is controlling my SA.

[yamyam]

Thanks everyone.

I know I'm just being too sensitive to the comments of a-holes. I suppose that if you're already feeling anxious and unconfident, a nasty comment can feel ten times worse. And the worst thing is that people probably made nasty comments because I seemed so nervous and unconfident.

[Meee]

Originally Posted by yamyam

Thanks everyone.

I know I'm just being too sensitive to the comments of a-holes. I suppose that if you're already feeling anxious and unconfident, a nasty comment can feel ten times worse. And the worst thing is that people probably made nasty comments because I seemed so nervous and unconfident.

Most likely. At times i let my appearance get me down too.. i know i'm not the most attractive of guys (massive understatement there, heh), but i guess you've just got to carry on with life and not let it get you down too much. Being ugly doesn't mean you automatically fail at life, plenty of not so attractive people have made something of themselves.

[hardy]

"And the worst thing is that people probably made nasty comments because I seemed so nervous and unconfident."
to their twisted logic its no "fun" if you didnt get upset .Its like a magnet.

[scarlet_diva]

Yeah I got a lot of stick for my looks when I was younger, and unfortunately, if it's bad enough, it just stays like a tape running in your head forever that you're somehow ugly & repulsive and freaky looking. I've messed up plenty of opportunities just because I felt I looked vile (which is most of the time). It's a hard thing to overcome, but if it's really interfering with your life to a major extent maybe you could check out BDDcentral, there are people with similar worries on there who can give great advice on this.

[Johnni]

Originally Posted by scarlet_diva

It's a hard thing to overcome, but if it's really interfering with your life to a major extent maybe you could check out BDDcentral, there are people with similar worries on there who can give great advice on this.

That's a good website!

[Dannysbabe]

Hi yam yam, I really do know what its like to feel this way, I was told by boys I didnt know that I was "pretty - pretty ugly" almost daily at secondary school, how that is not supposed to affect you I dont know! Even before I started secondary school I knew boys didnt like me, though had no idea why!! A lot of horrible things happened to me at school, being humiliated in front of peers for the way I looked etc. I am now nearly 39 and it still affects me to some extent, but I am a very sensitive soul, unfortunately, and the hurt has lasted over 25 years.

I would love to have a caring boyfriend but it seems quite unlikely even though people do say I'm attractive, trouble is with all the crap thats gone on earlier in my life I find it just about impossible to believe them. Still I do have some faint hope that I will find a decent guy who is not totally dumb and can see me for the caring, loving person that I truly am