Being ignored, is it my own fault?

[Sphinx]

This is something that has been bothering me lately. I've been in a group situation where people have been aware of my social difficulties/ anxiety, but every time I try to join in with a conversation or talk about myself, I get interrupted or the subject is changed.
I know that people see me as the "weak" member of the group as this has been hinted at to me.

I say very little in these situations, and part of me thinks, is it just my own fault, is it to be expected as a result of my behaviour?

Yesterday another group member actively asked me a question to bring me into the conversation, and once again I said a little bit, then was talked over again.

It's p***ing me off, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up, or to try and barge my way into conversations or what! (If I even could.)

The thing is they aren't awful people and have been kind to me in the past, I just feel a patronised by them. I'm sick of being treated like a child, or some kind of weakling, just because I'm quiet and look young.

How do other people deal with this kind of thing?

[Mr. Nobody]

I don't even bother trying any more,
it's their loss

I haven't given up or anything as melodramatic as that, just can't be bothered with talking loudly and being very pushy in groups,... it's just not who I am.
I'm quite content to just listen and enjoy the conversation as an onlooker.

[clyde33]

I've been talked over loads of times in groups and i end up feeling utterly crap about it as i've usually taken ages to pluck up the courage to say something without panicking about stuttering or stammering.

I don't really go out much with friends or in groups these days as i find trying to hold my own in a group conversation exhausting and almost impossible, especially when it gets loud.

I've always assumed people consider what i've said to be irrelevant so therefore ignore me and speak over me. I'm often aware too that people just haven't physically heard what i've said. It's hard to know which it is.

I sometimes imagine holding an air horn up above my head and giving it a few blasts when people get too loud.

[shygirl40]

The same thing happens to me. I rarely get chance to finish what I'm saying and get to the point, so I just let them get on with what they're saying and leave it at that. I'm used to it now.

[diplodocus]

I don't care much for the term 'fault' because that to me is overly black and white thinking in terms of WHO individually is responsible for the issue(s) when in reality it's rarely one person's fault. There is no 'fault' but merely a combination of behaviours from them and you that contribute to the situation you find yourself in. However, you can only rely on yourself to influence future events. Whether that is to alter your behaviour around these people or to find a different group of people entirely that you are on more of an equal footing with.

[Stotch]

If its really bothering you and it really matters that you get your message across then practice being assertive. You could try it in a formal work meeting, which can be easier than doing it in an informal meeting because people are more self conscious in them circumstances and therefore less likely to interrupt you or ignore what you say (don't want to look bad in front of the boss).

Take an assertive training course or just read up and practice it, it really does make a significant difference. I've only recently learnt the power of saying 'No' and not being afraid to express myself. Its also important to pick your battles, a lot of the time its not worth your time with some people, so learning to let things go is also a good skill to learn.

[Sphinx]

Thanks for all of your responses. I suppose I should have been clearer about the setting, it's basically in group therapy. I was just scared that someone might see it but that's pretty unlikely I guess.

Which is why it's a bit frustrating, as they are full aware of my difficulties, and it has been brought up in the past that sometimes I get talked over. They seem to bear it in mind for one session and then forget about it and go back to the way things were. I know that they probably don't do it on purpose, but it doesn't stop me feeling patronised, and like I don't matter.

They see me as young and vulnerable(this has been said directly to me so it isn't paranoia), even though I don't particularly feel that way compared to everyone else. After all, it's an environment where we are all vulnerable and dealing with very personal issues.

It makes me feel horrible because what am I supposed to do, I can't force people to be respectful. I know they all have issues, but I haven't had nearly as much time as everyone else to speak.

Thing is, I'll be speaking and as I'm finishing the sentence someone else will talk over me, I make a point of not tailing off what I'm saying, but they continue to talk over the last 4-5 words of the sentence lol.

You are probably right about who is at "fault" diplodocus, it is most likely a combination of things. It's just incredibly frustrating, and not great for the self esteem.

Does anyone have any tips on assertiveness?

[anotherboringusername]

They probably don't even realise they're doing it. I've been spoken over a few times during group conversations, but then I've seen it happen to other people. Some people just can't wait to talk (or love the sound of their own voice too much)! A lot of social interaction is filled with awkward moments of people talking over each other and people mis-understanding each other etc. It may be hard but sometimes it's better not trying to analyse such things.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

I'm a little surprised that this has been happening in a group therapy situation. I know in group sessions I've been involved in there is always a contracting session at the start where the group lay down its own ground rules. You know, such things as confidentiality and not talking over each other. Stuff like that.

Also, I wonder if you have a facilitator within the group? Generally they will tend to bring to the attention of the group things which the group may be unaware of. Such things as people talking over certain others. This then opens up a wider discussion on that group dynamic.

Maybe if there is a facilitator taking your group they are aware of what's going on but trusting in you to eventually push yourself forward and be assertive without intervention? Possibly because doing so would be a rather big personal breakthrough on your part.

Without being there it's difficult to judge whether anyone is being deliberately disrespectful or not. But I find that when given a safe platform to do so, some people can be far more gushing with their thoughts, feelings and opinions than some others. This, if the group is not careful, can see the more reserved, anxious, timid or passive members shrink into the background a little and feel rather marginalised.

I used to see this in group personal development sessions in counsellor training. So even budding therapists can see things go this way in group scenarios. It took me rather a long time to chirp up with my thoughts in those sessions.

In your situation, I'd ideally want to bring my feelings on this to the group's attention. The situation in the group may be mirroring your situation in life itself. Maybe you feel you lack assertiveness generally. This, in itself, is a valid topic to cover within your group therapy, I'd imagine.

Maybe if at this point you feel completely unable to bring this to the group's full attention, you could talk privately with the group's facilitator (I assume there is one) and point out your concerns. They could then look out for it and bring it into the group's awareness to be addressed.

In groups we all have a place and a role to play. But I still find that we have to sort of assert ourselves a little to claim the role we want to have. Otherwise we just get left with the scraps. I imagine what would be good for your self-esteem would be to make something of a stand where you air your feelings. A therapy group would certainly seem to be the right place to do so.

[scarlettgirl]

yeah i'm also surprised it#s happening to you in that environment. The situation happens to me all the time at work , because i'm quiet (and usually I just give up, but lately have been more assertive), but I would think they'd be more understanding with you. Maybe you can pick someone you're close to at the group (if anyone) and tell them how you're feeling about it? That person might make more of an effort to include you in the future. Or at least be aware of how it's making you feel.

[Sphinx]

There was a session at the start but that just covered confidentiality, and things like not contacting each other outside of the group.

There is a group facilitator, and it has been pointed out that some people over talk, and I have been talked over in the past. In fact it was pointed out that even the facilitator themselves talked over me at one point!

However it has continued to be a problem for me, it keeps happening. It does mirror how I feel in life, and I struggle to feel integrated with the group because of it, but I feel like I can't keep bringing it up as everybody else has problems too. I can't really speak to the facilitator directly as they will just tell me to bring it to the group.

I think they probably do just want me to push myself and be more assertive, but that isn't easy when people don't give you any space. Very frustrating.

[few screws loose]

It seems to happen a lot that people talk over each other. It is annoying. I suppose I am slightly guilty of that a bit myself sometimes when I'm excited by a topic, but then I will always remember to give the other person the floor. I have a friend who talks over people a lot but I'm quite an assertive person and tell him off which he doesn't like. It annoys me that he acts like I'm the baddie when I tell him off, because he's the one who's just plain rude talking over others. It is rude to talk over others, unless of course someone is going on and on and on without letting others getting a word in edgeways. In that instance I feel it is ok to interrupt

[umm]

There is an aspect of conversing where the talk follows the power dynamic, and annoyingly, SA sufferers are not over familiar with power dynamics. Butting in to a convo is much about finding out what "power voice" (tone, stance, word choices etc) works for you. Others already know this for themselves, so figure out yours and try it out. I find a slightly somber tone, as if delivering heavy news, works quite well. People respond to that as if the speaker really knows what they're on about. It's a load of nonsense, really, little more than play acting, but there it is.

[tryinghard]

No, this isn't your fault, happens all the time. I tend to step back to allow others to talk when they interrupt me as well, and it's largely because I was brought up with strict rules around 'who is talking', so I am very well trained to wait for my turn to speak. It's not like that in all families - in some families they talk over each other and there is a scramble for the turn to speak - so some people continue that way into adulthood.

This is a difference in communication style, and not anyone's fault. In the over-talkers family, they would have been interrupted themselves and they do not see it as talking over the other person but really just having their say too.

This situation happens a lot of places so it might be useful for you to learn how to speak up and bring the topic back to what you were talking about, or to say 'i'm really sorry but I hadn't quite finished, is it ok if I finish up?' or something like that. So long as you are very polite and non-blaming with it you can assert your right to speak.

[Stotch]

Don't think of assertiveness as a bunch of memorized techniques, think of it as a philosophy. There are no set responses, you just have to improvise whenever a circumstance arises with a template of retaining respect for yourself and others. So if you feel disrespected like you do in your group sessions, then your only choice is to stand up for yourself, its the only way to prevent you becoming bitter and annoyed with yourself for not behaving in the way you would have liked.

There are no tricks or quick fixes, you can't just blame it all on 'SA' because eventually even you yourself will no longer buy that explanation. You just got to stand up and fight for yourself, it might sound a bit dramatic considering its only a group session with a bunch of random people you will probably never see again. However it will be effective because if you deal with these people then you'll have a memory of success to fall back on in the future.