School

[JellyM]

Hi this is my first post on this site and I wondered if any of you have had a similar problem.

To say that I have been finding the transition from nursery to school with my daughter extremely difficult is an understatement. The school is the best one in the area and although I knew that I may find it hard to take her there everyday I decided that in the long run it would be the best option for her. The problem is that my social anxiety is making it unbearable.

I lost my job a few months ago and this has made me feel really low and I have lost a lot of confidence (not that I really had that much anyway).

I previously encountered some of the parents who have children at the school at pre school groups and I found it so difficult that I had to stop going to them because it was making me too anxious. I am an older mum and I feel like I don't really fit in very well.

The added difficulty for me is that because I am finding this so hard and don't really know how to handle it I have sometimes found myself staring at some of the other parents as I drop off or pick up my daughter. I understand that this probably looks confrontational and singles me out as being really wired. When I went to pick up my daughter last week one woman who I think I may have been staring at a bit too much just stared at me the whole time without looking away. I think it is only going to be a matter of time before she says something to me.

I have read on some of the other posts that even though a lot of you are finding it difficult you are still trying to smile and make eye contact. I haven't been doing this and feel like I have caused really bad feelings and ostracised myself from the other parents.

This week there is a family afternoon where I have to go to the school and spend an afternoon with my daughter in her class and at the moment I really don't know how I will be able to do this and make it a positive experience for her. She has been invited to two birthday parties over the weekend. My husband will be able to come with me to them but I still feel really anxious.

My daughter seems to be really enjoying school and is not aware of any of this. I feel I have let her down and worry she will be soon be excluded and friendless due to my behaviour.

I really think she would be better off without me in her life as I only seem to make a mess of everything.

[Moksha]

Hi, welcome to the site

I once had a friend whose husband was very confident and outgoing. She, on the other hand, was crippled with social anxiety. Unfortunately, her daughter inherited the father's outgoing nature and was constantly being invited to other kid's houses, parties, sleepovers, etc. My friend found the whole thing purgatory since it meant standing in the kitchen with other mums and dads making small talk. In other words, you are not alone.

I don't know you, but I'm sure that your daughter would not be better off without you in her life. Those are the thoughts of someone slipping into depression JellyM. The fact that you are worried proves you love her, and no child wants to lose a mother who loves her!

I wouldn't worry about your child's life being affected by your social awkwardness. For a start, most kids barely notice their friend's parents, so they are unlikely to pick up on a bit of social discomfort. Also, SA plays tricks on you. We assume that others are far more interested and paying far more attention than is in fact the case. You fear the other parents are whispering behind your back. In fact, I bet the majority have barely even noticed you exist. They are too preoccupied with bills, mortgages, work, kids, bereavements, failing marriages, noisy neighbors, and so on.

[Mr. Nobody]

welcome to the site jellyM

I always find children themselves absolutely fine, accepting, non-judgmental and generally good fun to be around,
is there any way you can just look at the children having fun, the bustle,. the fun?
keep an eye on your child, interact with them as much as you can, and just be a part of that energy that's going on, the excitement,. the general kiddy-chat?

the other parents are all there for the children and it's all about the children really, so maybe just try and stay focused on that,
maybe just a wave, nod of the head or a "hi" to the other parents should suffice as they'll all be busy doing their thing too and be focused on their own children.

you are a Mum, which is huge,. a huge amount of work, care and commitment,. nobody will be judging you as being unworthy for some reason.

there's lots of fun in simply saying "hi" and smiling to someone that's giving you daggers,..lol
so if the staring woman stares at you again,. just give a big wave and say "helloooo!"

try and make things as fun as possible,. because it's easy for SA to make things more heavy and serious than they ever need to be.

[Azalea]

I always found it a nightmare too.
I couldn't get there for pick up and walk up to where other parents were so was always ridiculously early.

My eldest wasn't a mixer but the other 3 used to get invited to other peoples' houses for tea. I couldn't invite them back though, just couldn't deal with other people, even kids) in the house. Also couldn't make meals for anyone who did come back the very odd time it happened.
I know this impacted on my kids as other mum's would say "no don't invite him, you never get invited to theirs" but I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. They have all grown up with friends despite this.

I never volunteered to help in the classroom like a lot of mums, it was only when my daughter was in year 5 I started to help with transport for sports events. It wasn't easy but I managed it despite being terrified every time.
I think I managed to push myself a bit further when it was the kids, it was only once they got older and didn't need lifts etc that I had time to think more and fell apart.

I used to think my kids would be better off without me too but they wouldn't have, I did my best and they know that (apart from the son who wont have anything to do with me but that's a different story) 3 of them are very sociable and outgoing so try not to feel bad, an anxious mum isn't always a bad thing.

[choirgirl]

I don't know you at all but one thing I can definitely say is that your daughter would not be better off without you in her life.
Also, when you're five years old, the interactions between your parents and other parents are not at the forefront of your mind. I don't think I even thought about them until I started going to friends houses.

[Hackpen]

I've probably had it comparatively easy as an older male, not really feeling the pressure to chat to the mum's in the same way as I would if I'd been female. I remember having similar feelings about my daughter being better off without me but of course that's not true. We may lack in some areas but compensate with other valuable qualitys. Those social things we do as parents can be excruciating, we just have to find ways to dig deep and get through those times.
You sound like a loving, caring mum, those are essential ingredients for parenting, the rest can be worked on

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[anewyear]

Hackpen did you feel the equivalent with the other dads though? I know I did at things like the school Christmas fair.

[anewyear]

JellyM I can imagine how hard the family afternoon at school will be, but maybe it***8217;s worth trying to be one of the earlier ones to arrive in order you get as familiar as possible in the environment before others arrive?

[Hackpen]

Hi anewyear, i would have but i managed to stay under the radar really. When I collect my girl now I wait with the other parents but I don't know anyone as I'm not from the town my daughter lives in. I probably don't appear very approachable, even on fathers day assembly's and stuff I'm largely left alone. When I was with my daughters mum she was the chatty one while I kind of blended onto the background

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[JellyM]

Many Thanks for your messages of support it is really good to know that I am not alone in feeling like this about School. The family afternoon went OK.

JellyM

[anewyear]

Ah thats good to hear JellyM

Do you feel you got through it or has it improved things a bit ie you spoke to some of the other parents there?