For the lonely; are you in a comfort trap?

[hollowone]

Hello again.

If you're socially-isolated and lonely & are in a bit of a rut, you know what steps you need to take to improve your circumstances but you're not taking any action, it might be well worth checking out this article illustrating patterns people can fall into when they're lonely
https://www.succeedsocially.com/lonely
What I want to talk about today are the two points regarding 'being a little too good at distracting yourself' and 'becoming too comfortable in a social rut'. I think that these are very important points.

Even if people are unhappily lonely & are aware of what steps they need to take to change their situations, people may still not do anything about it. It's true that even in unhappy circumstances we can end up comfortable & can end up distracting ourselves too much, to the degree that we don't feel motivated to take action.

A good technique that's worked for me is to remind yourself what you cannot stand about your circumstances, what you wouldn't miss, what you've had enough of, remind yourself of times the loneliness has been particularly painful. Some examples might be;

• Not having anyone to meet up with and being shut in too much
• Painfully lonely summer afternoons seeing all those happy couples and groups of friends
• Never getting to meet new people
• Painfully lonely evenings
• Being sick of doing things on your own and wishing you had someone to do things with
• Never getting to mix socially with people your own age
• Never going on any dates
• Not having anyone to share your life with

Whatever applies to you. Sometimes reminding yourself what you've had enough of, what you can't stand can also help you to visualize how things could be different & can thus help you feel a bit more motivated & determined to change. That frustration can be turned into determination.

There are so many people out there who are unhappily lonely and isolated & who're in a rut for many of the reasons raised in that article. Here I want to specifically raise the issue of the comfort trap & on reasons for taking action & other strategies for escaping ruts.

EDIT

If you***8217;re in any unhappy situation, it***8217;s important to remember the reasons we want to change it, both the ***8216;stick***8217; and ***8216;carrot***8217; reasons. This has mostly been focused on the ***8216;stick***8217;. Sometimes, reminding yourself of what you can***8217;t stand about your situation can motivate your to take action, it has with me in the past. Sometimes, we can forget these times when we***8217;ve been particularly pissed off, these ***8216;threshold moments***8217; and run on autopilot. I hope to to help people who are unhappily lonely find & stay in touch with reasons why they want to change.

Actions that doing this helped me take;
Identifying my sources of anxiety in social situations
Travelling
Going to meetups
Volunteering overseas
Organizing outings

[anewyear]

Thanks hollowone. I’ve only skimmed through the link so far as there’s a lot in there. All looks useful and a lot of it resonates with me so I’ll be taking a proper look over the next few days

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by hollowone

Even if people are unhappily lonely & are aware of what steps they need to take to change their situations, people may still not do anything about it.

I notice that you're careful to use the term 'unhappily lonely' as opposed to just 'lonely'. Which suggests you might somehow be accepting the possibility that someone could be deemed 'lonely' without necessarily being unhappy about it at the same time? Or at least that their 'loneliness' itself [in the common understanding of the word] might not actually be the primary cause of the unhappiness someone might be feeling at any given moment?

Could it even be the case, in fact, that someone might have a general feeling of mild dissatisfaction or unhappiness about their life on the one hand, whilst also being deemed 'lonely' (either by themselves or others) on the other hand, and automatically then put 2 and 2 together to make 5? In other words, could someone automatically assume (perhaps as a result of social conditioning, for example) that their loneliness must therefore be the cause of their general feeling of unhappiness in life; without them ever really looking into the situation to verify that assumption one way or the other?

It's true that even in unhappy circumstances we can end up comfortable & can end up distracting ourselves too much, to the degree that we don't feel motivated to take action.

But, related to what I just said above, what if the problem runs deeper than merely appearing to be lonely in life? Could it even be perhaps that the 'taking action' (presumably to get involved with other people socially) that you talk of is, in truth, nothing more than yet another distraction from facing the real problem? Ok, for many people at least, it might be a better, more effective distraction maybe, but still just a distraction nevertheless? So could being surrounded by friends and loved ones itself be one big comfort trap?

If what I'm saying is true, and loneliness itself might not be the real problem after all, then what could this 'deeper problem' that most of us seem to be busy distracting ourselves from actually be? Maybe we need to dig a little deeper and see if we can find out? For example, apart from the obvious dictionary definition of the word (which is what I meant, above, by the 'common understanding'), what does loneliness, if we really look into it, actually mean to us? Is it as simple as there not being other people present in any given moment, or is there more to it than that?

[Mr. Nobody]

that article is an interesting read Hollowone,.

think I'm guilty of one of their categories, the one of judging other people too negatively, thus meaning they aren't "friends" material,...
I do find it funny how I judge certain people, and then when I look at myself, I realise I'm probably lying somewhere below the level of all these judgments I pass on other people ~ eek!

[hollowone]

@ Lonestar, loneliness is a different for different people. Is this a way of trying to say that loneliness & disatisfaction with social life is really all just in your head and just attitude?

For people who're unhappily socially-isolated, spending too much time alone, feeling left out, are sick of it, feeling trapped, & are getting depressed it's possible that there's a lot of things that can affect people's motivation to take steps to improve their lot, even if they know what steps to take.

But, related to what I just said above, what if the problem runs deeper than merely appearing to be lonely in life? Could it even be perhaps that the 'taking action' (presumably to get involved with other people socially) that you talk of is, in truth, nothing more than yet another distraction from facing the real problem? Ok, for many people at least, it might be a better, more effective distraction maybe, but still just a distraction nevertheless? So could being surrounded by friends and loved ones itself be one big comfort trap?

That maybe valid for those people who have loads of superficial acquaintances who're always partying all the time & who on the surface don't appear to be lonely, who's friends for all we know may not really friends at all. I don't think having genuine friends & people who care about you & people who's company you enjoy & a fulfilling social life is a comfort trap, it's fulfilling for a lot of people. But anyway, I'd love to hear more about the tangent.

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by hollowone

@ Lonestar, loneliness is a different for different people.

It manifests itself differently in different people (as does everything else, because we're all unique individuals), but I'd say, fundamentally, loneliness - if and when it appears - is pretty much the same thing for every one of us. To some extent, you could say it's part of the human condition.

Is this a way of trying to say that loneliness & disatisfaction with social life is really all just in your head and just attitude?

In a way, yes. But that 'way' is not at all obvious. In other words, life simply doesn't work the way most people think it does!

For people who're unhappily socially-isolated, spending too much time alone, feeling left out, are sick of it, feeling trapped, & are getting depressed it's possible that there's a lot of things that can affect people's motivation to take steps to improve their lot, even if they know what steps to take.

Well what you've just said (above) is a good example of what I'm talking about. Because how would someone know that they're 'unhappily socially isolated' or 'spending too much time alone' etc? Your opinion on those matters comes largely from what you've learned by watching other people socialising. But the thing is, you are not other people - you are you! So what makes you think that your life should be unfolding in exactly the same way as those other people's? What if your life is meant to unfold in a different way?

You see, life happens on its own - there's nobody in control of it. You're not working life - life is working you! On a deeper level, we could say that life is one single movement, one single energy, manifesting itself as everything we see around us, moment by moment. So in that sense, everything that is happening in life, at this very moment in time, is perfect - it's exactly as it is meant to be - in fact it couldn't be any other way. So by complaining about the way things are - by wishing things were different - all you're doing, in effect, is banging your head against a brick wall.

So all I'm saying is, having understood the above situation that we find ourselves in - that there's basically nothing you or me or anyone else can do to change things - just relax, accept what's arising in this moment, and simply go with the flow of life as it unfolds. It's basically a case of realising that life itself is in charge here - not you as a person. And once you grasp that - which admittedly, is not easy at first - you'll find it's actually quite liberating and life seems to flow more naturally and smoothly. You can just relax and let it all happen. In fact, ultimately, you realise that there's actually no "you" at all - that this whole experience is just like a dream - with each one of us playing the part of a character within it.

So you realise that your following paragraph belongs to the old way of seeing things - that it doesn't really apply any longer - at least not in the way you previously thought:

That maybe valid for those people who have loads of superficial acquaintances who're always partying all the time & who on the surface don't appear to be lonely, who's friends for all we know may not really friends at all. I don't think having genuine friends & people who care about you & people who's company you enjoy & a fulfilling social life is a comfort trap, it's fulfilling for a lot of people. But anyway, I'd love to hear more about the tangent.

[hollowone]

The bullet points I've made above will resonate with a lot of people.

The fact of the matter is;

• if a lot of the bullet points above describe circumstances that a lot of people will not enjoy
• Those experiences will resonate with a lot of people

I'm very happy to go all philosophical at another time. My goal was to try and help people who're unhappily lonely and socialy-frustrated to identify compelling reasons to change and reasons to want to work on their social anxiety.

[Mr. Nobody]

Oh god! not the "life is a dream" thing again,

if you really have this belief that life is a dream and you don't exist
and only this dream life is happening to you and you don't actually exist and so on,....why are you replying to these posts?
Why are you replying to a dream?
If you know something is a dream, why are you getting involved?

[lone*star]

^ As I said above, it's all happening on its own. So I'm not doing anything - I'm merely watching it all happen.

But of course, to complicate matters, I (as a person) am also appearing in this dream, like you, as one of the characters within it.

So who are you asking your question to - me the person (the dream character) or the real me - which is life itself?

And who are you, asking the question - you the person (the dream character) or the real you - which is life itself?

[hollowone]

@ vasco
This is a common type of reply I've had on many forums and blogs and even in real life.

@ lonestar
As said, I'm more than happy to carry on this tangent, in another thread.

For now, focusing on your reasons to take action; the stick and the carrot; this is something that I don't see talked about much.

I think it's fair to say that a lot of people would get pretty sick and tired of spending all their time in their room and having no social life, never getting to date for years etc. Anyway, use that as leverage to get motivation to take steps to both get out there and get to know your social obstacles. It's helpful to remind yourself of what you can't stand (the stick) and also, how things could be different, any dreams you had when you were younger (the carrot).

A reason we get comfortable is because we forget about these things, we're so busy trying to push the discomfort out, or being in the habit of making our lives tolerable that we forget about those things that could really motivated us.

also @ lonestar;
It's quite possible that my OP may have been misinterpreted as 'loneliness is THE ONE reason you're unhappy' vs. 'loneliness is a MAJOR FACTOR'.

[genovese]

Originally Posted by Vasco Da Gama

Oh god! not the "life is a dream" thing again,

I like this thread by hollowone and the link makes for some good reading.
The discussion is interesting and may it continue.
But yes vasco, this dream shite, "oh god!"
I pissed myself laughing at your above line.
Yeh, take the dream chat to a separate thread lonestar, your passion and genuine enthusiasm for it will attract attention.

[lone*star]

Originally Posted by genovese

Yeh, take the dream chat to a separate thread lonestar, your passion and genuine enthusiasm for it will attract attention.

My passion and enthusiasm are not for 'dream chat' but for the truth - the nature of reality - the meaning of life itself. The fact is, the truth is a mysterious subject that most people don't have much idea about. And yet, at the same time, it clearly must form the basis for everything we all do and think and say, every day of our lives. So in that sense, we can't really get away from it, even if we wanted to!

Don't you think it's a shame therefore that such a fundamentally important subject - essentially you and me, when it boils down to it [the real you and me that is] - should be deemed a specialist/minor interest and banished to its own quiet little corner somewhere? Indeed, where would that leave this forum; if reality no longer played a part in it? What would the subject matter consist of? To me, that scenario sounds more like a 'dream chat' than anything I've been talking about!

[hollowone]

^As I said above & as I will keep parroting, you're more than welcome to start another thread on that philosophical note. I'm asking you politely not to derail this thread. Thanks.

Back to the original discussion

I'm glad some of you guys found the article I posted useful, you should check out the whole site, it's incredibly comprehensive and covers an immense variety of topics.

One thing I would like to mention is that several years ago when I went to social anxiety self-help group, I received a handout with the various steps. The earlier steps in the handout were concerned with finding motivation to change. One of them was 'find reasons to change' another one was 'find compelling long term goals and manageable short term goals'. I think that this is an incredibly important topic.

I'm guessing that if you've got few or no friends, no social life or haven't dated in years or ever, that you're probably not happy & are probably not in tip-top mental health & you certainly don't want to be where you are forever. The reason for this post is to help you to identify what your dreams are and what you would like to see the back of & then get yourself thinking about manageable goals to get there. It's blatantly clear that there's a lot of people who're in situations not too dis-similar to what I'm describing. I think a big reason some people remain in stagnant unhappy circumstances is lack of goals and reasons to change. What can't you stand? What times have felt particularly pissed-off and have had enough? What are your dreams? what do you want from life? What would you like to be different? It's this I'm trying to stimulate discussion about.

[genovese]

Originally Posted by lone*star

Don't you think it's a shame therefore that such a fundamentally important subject - essentially you and me, when it boils down to it [the real you and me that is] - should be deemed a specialist/minor interest and banished to its own quiet little corner somewhere? Indeed, where would that leave this forum; if reality no longer played a part in it? What would the subject matter consist of? To me, that scenario sounds more like a 'dream chat' than anything I've been talking about!

No!

Here we have a genuinely informative thread started by the OP with thoughts, responses & potential solutions
that are at the core of SA. All with that magical undercurrent of improvement and positivity which is essential
in breeding progression.

We are all somewhere along the spectrum of SA - mild, moderate, severe. And this is exactly the sort of
thread that helps people at any point along that spectrum. Especially as this section can be
read by those not having to register to the site.

I have read many of your posts. And dude, you are intelligent and articulate. But the OP's thread is about practical and tangible solutions.
For you to say your deep existential thoughts on reality belong in this particular thread is disingenuous.

It derails the discussion and stops people posting. And potentially, stops lurkers from posting. There's strength in
numbers. And this is exactly the kind of thread that brings people together because we all feel it.

All threads are created equal. So I don't understand why you say you are being "banished into a quiet little corner".
Begin your thread, anywhere you want, and start the discussion, on your terms.

Perhaps it will become as big as the man candy thread (phwwoar!)

Peace out homie.

[Indigo_]

Originally Posted by hollowone

^As I said above & as I will keep parroting, you're more than welcome to start another thread on that philosophical note. I'm asking you politely not to derail this thread. Thanks.

Originally Posted by genovese

It derails the discussion and stops people posting. And potentially, stops lurkers from posting. There's strength in
numbers. And this is exactly the kind of thread that brings people together because we all feel it.

Begin your thread, anywhere you want, and start the discussion, on your terms.

Agreed. Thread derailment is against the rules of the forum. Separate topics need to be started in new threads. Otherwise this is simply not fair to the OP.

[hollowone]

Thankyou guys for keeping the thread on topic.

@ Lonestar, you're more than welcome to bring up your topic on another thread, don't feel bad, there's nothing wrong with what you wanted to talk about.

For the time being, I'm glad some of you reading this have found this helpful & the attached article.

Has reminding yourself of what you can't stand about your situation helped you keep in touch with reasons to make changes? Has reminding yourself of what you cannot stand & what you wouldn't miss helped? This is not the only strategy to help with motivation but one of many. Still, I'm happy some of you have found this helpful.

[Deadbeatunderadustymoon]

yeah im in a comfort trap, i play videogames all day, beats the real world.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Deadbeatunderadustymoon

yeah im in a comfort trap, i play videogames all day, beats the real world.

What do you do re. money/income/livelihood?

[Deadbeatunderadustymoon]

Originally Posted by limey123

What do you do re. money/income/livelihood?

I meant when not working i play videogames all day