SA loner men - dating normal women and being exposed has not having friends

[genericuser10621]

Believe it or not, my pathetic qualities and billy no mates appearence is attractive to the ladies. I have been called "cute" and "adorable" plenty of times over the past few weeks.

Its never going to get me laid, but whatever.

[Defiance]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Fuck off! I won't have that shite in me gaff any more. I hardly watched TV for years before I got rid of it fs.

each to thier own lol but if you don't have a tv you are likely to fall behind in whats happening in the world like michael jacksons death.




Cynic: "what!?, michael jacksons dead!??1wtf"

^this sort of thing could potentially happen lol

You mean too "soft", as in not "gangsta" or "'hood" enough? That's inner-city birds for you.

yes.
especially girl 2.
even though i sorta made friends with her she'd of ended up wearing the trousers for sure in any kind of relationship. her frame was just too much stronger than mine.

Don't grade women either as it's not attractive!

she's got a point. if you are interested in a girl don't ever let them hear you assigning them numbers

infact i used to mentally do this all the time but now i try hard not to if she's in my presence because i found that with the high caliber girls i would get nervous around if was assigning her a high number but if i didn't give women a number and just thought of them as yes i would like to date you, no i wouldn't date you the nervousness and anxiety would go down a fair deal.

oh and I also sometimes refer to women in terms of "caliber" too ...but only in me head.

Yeah, they like you to look at, but at the end of the day, they'll be getting off with one of the perfect in-crowd.

cute used along with adorable is bad. it means she likes him in a brother sort of way, non sexual. gotta look at the context it's used in.

I once sorta made online friends with a woman a couple of yrs ago. she was like 30 i was 22. she asked to see a pic of me, (i always look young in pictures) ...anyways her responce to the pic was "Awwww, you look cute!"
obviously it was the wrong kind of cute lol

[diplodocus]

Thing is, is it really going to a be a massive shock to these girlfriends when they find out that you have no friends?

Or do SA loner men come off as outgoing, confident people who would be expected to have loads of friends?

I don't think that is very likely. She might be a little bit surprised you don't have any but I don't think it's going to be totally unexpected.

The fact is she wasn't attracted to you in the first place because you were some super confident extrovert that she expected to have a bazillion and one mates so why would she turn around and dump you because of it?

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Well as most of them are into going out to pubs and clubs with their large mobs of mates, then yes, they look on having no friends as being wierd.

No they aren't for the reasons I stated. Why would they go out with a shy, introverted SA loner if they were the sort of girl going clubbing with mobs of mates? How would they even have met for a start?

[sexiboy2008]

Originally Posted by Municipal waste

Any SA men who are without any friends of their own and found themselves in a situation where you might be about to date a woman, although there could be a problem if or when you may be exposed as being a loner
Even if the woman herself wasn't bothered by this, it could be a problem with the friends or family of this woman, the stigma and shame both on you as the man or on this woman for dating a "weird guy" may put an abrupt end to it.
Has this been something that SA guys on here have experienced

It doesn't matter if you don't have any friends mate. Go and read books like David Deangelo- Double your dating and Mystery books also look up at realsocialdynamics.com hope this helps

[HardRockGlamour]

If you don't mind me saying, as a girl, the woman frankly isn't worth it if she runs as soon as she finds out a guy has social anxiety, has few or no friends. Some women don't care, if she likes you, she likes you, and if her friends or family had any problems with it, she should stick up for you, not cave and get rid of you for it. There are nice, understanding, empathetic girls out there. Some love shy guys. The others are probably more noticeable, however.

[Winnie57]

A man without friends is better for a women as it means he has more time for her. I think only really outgoing people would care whether their partner has lots of friends or not. If it does matter then that person is very shallow and not worth bothering with.

[spin66]

Originally Posted by HardRockGlamour

If you don't mind me saying, as a girl, the woman frankly isn't worth it if she runs as soon as she finds out a guy has social anxiety, has few or no friends. Some women don't care, if she likes you, she likes you,

Absolutely! a woman dates a man for what he is, not according to how many or how few friends he has

[GoldFish]

this is definitely a serious issue if the male is a bit mysterious or weird and has no friends and the girlfriend is a club goer and has a ton of bubbly friends, you can just imagine it not working out ...if the guy is good looking and can hide the anxiety then its not really a problem, people won't even know..so a social butterfly may find it hard to get used to a guy that has no friends. but its hard to say.

depends on the basis of the personalities dating

[GoldFish]

depends on how judgemental/superficial she is as well...

a really cool girl at work admits she doesnt like clubs/pubs and has little friends and she is the last person you'd expect..

[HardRockGlamour]

Originally Posted by HermitGirl

maybe such men are going for the wrong women!

It's always the bloody case.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by HermitGirl

Don't care how many friends he has and maybe such men are going for the wrong women! I want his whole life to revolve around MEEEE


*SLIGHT exaggeration*

(exits site before the flaming starts)

Nothing wrong with that, it's a personal preference. I'd prefer to be the most significant part of my partners life too. That's why I wouldn't be interested in a career woman apart from maybe something pretty casual. I think I have become less like that as I have got older but I still definitely lean that way.

[Bison]

This really is at the root of my low esteem and shame, knowing i didn't have one friend from the age of 15 to 26. Now 30 i desire a relationship prob. more than ANYTHING, once i do engage, naturally she will want to know your interests, lifestyle, friends and family, but just does a MAN say??? Basically us guys suffer sooooooooooooooo much pain it's unreal.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Bison

This really is at the root of my low esteem and shame, knowing i didn't have one friend from the age of 15 to 26. Now 30 i desire a relationship prob. more than ANYTHING, once i do engage, naturally she will want to know your interests, lifestyle, friends and family, but just does a MAN say??? Basically us guys suffer sooooooooooooooo much pain it's unreal.

I know exactly how you feel. At the moment I'm am seriously considering being honest about it. If the subject comes up, to say as casually as possible something like 'Oh I have a bit of social phobia which can make some things difficult for me'. I seriously think a lot of people would understand. And if they don't I probably wouldn't want to know them. I did tell a (female) friend recently I had social phobia, she understood - said a friend of hers did too.

Also - I think the girls suffer a lot too in their own way!

[Ember]

It's just as bad for women really... What kind of girl doesn't have girly friends that they do girly things with?

But it's better if at lest one partner has friends I think, or you get too much together time and then you both go crazy.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Ember

It's just as bad for women really... What kind of girl doesn't have girly friends that they do girly things with?

But it's better if at lest one partner has friends I think, or you get too much together time and then you both go crazy.

I disagree, men are much more accepting of this. A 'loner' female is far less likely to frighten a man off because he'll feel less worried about getting chopped up into pieces and buried under the floorboards by a woman than the other way around.

[Belinda]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

I disagree, men are much more accepting of this. A 'loner' female is far less likely to frighten a man off because he'll feel less worried about getting chopped up into pieces and buried under the floorboards by a woman than the other way around.

I'll have to disagree with you there, Diplodocus. Ages ago I had a few short relationships with fairly outgoing men with friends and my lack of friends and refusal to spend time with their friends was a massive issue. I've had two good relationships and they were both with men with no friends just like me.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by ursula

I'll have to disagree with you there, Diplodocus. Ages ago I had a few short relationships with fairly outgoing men with friends and my lack of friends and refusal to spend time with their friends was a massive issue. I've had two good relationships and they were both with men with no friends just like me.

Yeah fairly outgoing men. Average guys don't care nearly as much as average women. But I could see how refusing to spend time with their friends would cause problems. I wouldn't say I'm a social butterfly but it wouldn't really bother me if a woman had few or even no friends, however, if they refused to be around my friends that would be a much bigger issue for me.

[Ember]

I'd go as far as to say average women probably care less than the average man... Girls like spending time with other girls and they like their boyfriend free to give them attention when they want it.

Guys want a normal girl that their friends and family would accept, loners are often not this. The quiet girls are interesting oh yes, but quiet loner girls are often not looked on as good relationship material.

[diplodocus]

^ we obviously have very different experiences of this! It's not exactly on the topic and can't find it now but definitely seen a study that shows that men who are seen alone are judged more harshly by people than women who are seen alone. I can't see why that wouldn't correlate with finding out someone has no friends.

[Vastaux]

I personally think, when it happens again and i find someone knew i could just be open enough to tell them, if it is someone who is a potential girlfriend 9bearing in mind im talking dating, so not official yet) then they shouldnt care, if they do then they obviuously arent right for me.

I also wouldnt want to surprise her after 3 months and she goes "why havent i met your friends" and for me to go "LOLZ i have none".

I think the way alot of women seem though, they would relish a boyfriend who doesnt go out drinking with mates every 5 mins and can devote alot of time to them, girls seem to like that kind of thing... but if i was a guy with friends would i want a clingy girlfriend? probably not... :s

[anxiouslondoner]

I suppose if a girl had no friends then I'd be a bit suspicious at first. Why? Is the reason that people don't like her? But I think if it was because she was shy or have SA then I'd be accepting of it - of course I know what it's like to have SA though. Many people haven't even heard of it.

[Vastaux]

Originally Posted by anxiouslondoner

I suppose if a girl had no friends then I'd be a bit suspicious at first. Why? Is the reason that people don't like her? But I think if it was because she was shy or have SA then I'd be accepting of it - of course I know what it's like to have SA though. Many people haven't even heard of it.

Yes, if a girl said to me that was the reason then it'd be fine, i wouldnt shun someone who had sa as i myself am going through it, even if i was "recovered" as i'd know what it is to be in that position.

But first she would have to tell me, there seems to be a certain stigma atatched to admitting to others about SA, when if we or i did they might be just as understanding as i would be, though i guess that is part of sa in some respects, fearing being rejected so we bottle it up... atleast i do.

[Belinda]

I guess people tend to stereotype male and female loners in different ways- men might be judged more harshly because people suspect they might be 'up to no good' if they have no friends and might feel a bit threatened by them. On the other hand though people seem to respect a certain kind of male loner who goes off into the woods to do rugged outdoor pursuits (like Ray Mears if he didn't always have a camera crew with him).

On the other hand female loners have it worse because a lot of people expect women to be good at nurturing/communicating/forming relationships so there's the whole 'crazy cat lady' stereotype which is fairly patronizing.

[Aᴄᴇ]

I often worry about this being an issue in a future relationship (if it ever happens) been single over 2 years now , im sure the right girl would like you for you regardless of if you have friends or not, getting approval from friends and family could be a tricky one but it probably wouldnt be too big of an issue once they find out you're a nice guy (hopefully)

[Geoff]

This is a constant problem for me. I cannot stand this whole stigma around "loners". I don't even class myself as a loner - I don't have "loner" written on me somewhere. I'm a person, and a decent friendly loving one too. People just see me as either a loner, weird, too quiet, not confident enough, or lots of other things. Whatever happened to seeing that I'm a decent genuine loving guy who actually cares about people and has a big heart (a rare thing), and having that as a reason to want to know me better?

Even people here talk about how they'd be suspicious of someone who has no friends. When I've met people with no or few friends, I'm actually glad of it as it shows they are the sort of person who's more likely to accept me as I am, and to value me as a true friend if they get to know me well, and they won't be like the massive majority who stop writing for no reason once they've got me hooked and really liking them (as happens constantly!).

Get to know someone, and most people show their true personality pretty quickly, then make your own choices and forget how shallow people have rejected them due to them not being exactly as society demands.

[SAperson]

My god the level of negativity here is astonishing! Especially from that "cynic" guy, basically saying if you didnt have a million friends by age 8 you will never have any.

Its VERY possibly to meet friends no matter how many friends you have. I moved around a lot in my life. First country that I lived in and was born in, I had loads of friends(that was before sa came). At age 11, I moved half way across the world. I ddi not know anyone, and yet was able to make a fair amount of friends(that was after sa kicked in, so no excuses for not being able to make any). About a year ago, I moved again, met a girl and wanted to be with her. I have been a bit of a recluse and dont have any friends here yet, but thats purely my fault. I am trying to join clubs and find some part time work, and I feel like there is a good chance I can make friends.

People dont have friends for many reasons, such as moving somewhere new, and its totally normal. Fair enough, a lot of you havent moved as much as me, but my point is, not only is it possible to make friends, but women DONT care as much as you think about you having loads of friends.

As long as you are semi good looking and can make her laugh, you WILL be able to get a girlfriend. You just have to put yourself out there.

[Geoff]

Originally Posted by SAperson

As long as you are semi good looking and can make her laugh, you WILL be able to get a girlfriend. You just have to put yourself out there.

That is a ridiculous statement to make. I'm unsure how to take much of the rest of your post, so I won't comment on it, but your last paragraph is crazy. If you're "semi good looking"? Well that rules out many people, in fact the majority who truly have SA who don't believe they look good at all (no matter how good they actually look).

"If you can make her laugh"? Well I'll just press my "make a girl laugh whenever I feel like it no matter how I feel inside and how petrified I am meeting someone" button".

"You have to put yourself out there"? Oh ok, I'll "just" do that then.

[SAperson]

Originally Posted by Zackary

That is a ridiculous statement to make. I'm unsure how to take much of the rest of your post, so I won't comment on it, but your last paragraph is crazy. If you're "semi good looking"? Well that rules out many people, in fact the majority who truly have SA who don't believe they look good at all (no matter how good they actually look).

"If you can make her laugh"? Well I'll just press my "make a girl laugh whenever I feel like it no matter how I feel inside and how petrified I am meeting someone" button".

"You have to put yourself out there"? Oh ok, I'll "just" do that then.

Hey no need to be all harsh, I am just trying to make people feel more positive.

I myself feel I often arent very good looking, so I know what you are saying, but you should trust the opinion of others on the subject if u cant trust yourself. And you are capable of being funny im sure, but your anxiety stops you. I get it, I know what its like, but I also know that most people can be funny once they loosen up a bit.

As for putting yourself out there, yes, you should just do that then. I dont have any friends since ive moved a year ago because I didnt put myself out there. I worked from home and barely went out, so how was I to ever meet people? I know its easier said then done, but if we dont even try, we have no hope of anyone coming to us and befriending us.

[Geoff]

Originally Posted by SAperson

Hey no need to be all harsh, I am just trying to make people feel more positive.

I myself feel I often arent very good looking, so I know what you are saying, but you should trust the opinion of others on the subject if u cant trust yourself. And you are capable of being funny im sure, but your anxiety stops you. I get it, I know what its like, but I also know that most people can be funny once they loosen up a bit.

As for putting yourself out there, yes, you should just do that then. I dont have any friends since ive moved a year ago because I didnt put myself out there. I worked from home and barely went out, so how was I to ever meet people? I know its easier said then done, but if we dont even try, we have no hope of anyone coming to us and befriending us.

I apologise for being harsh, I was trying not to be but I was feeling quite frustrated at what you wrote. Your post came across to be attacking people with SA, especially the first line, "My god the level of negativity here is astonishing!".

I do think I'm funny as it goes personally, but I know many find it hard to be. I do too unless I feel relaxed with someone.

I do WANT to put myself out there and I try so hard to, but only online in forums like this. I don't go out to meet people but I really do want to SO much, and it drives me (and others!) crazy that I can't bring myself to do it.

Oh well, no hard feelings and have a nice day.