A stark reminder of social anxiety :/

[MissKatie]

For those of you who don't know, I'm transgender and as a result I am hyper aware of my appearance. It takes a LOT of work for me to look not masculine.

Yesterday, after being awake already got 16 hours, travelled back from London to Wales on a train. I had worked 130 hours in the last two weeks and exhausted.

My phone camera lied to me and told me I looked okay.

When I managed to get home I saw myself in a mirror and I looked a disaster.
The bottom half of my face was bright red where I had used the wrong colour corrector in a hurry and the top half the makeup had basically melted with the travel/heat

I realised I had travelled all that way looking as bad as I did.

I also stopped in the local shop on my way back yesterday and bought some bits feeling confident I looked okay.

Now, these things happen. I looked ridiculous and felt crappy when I got back but also know that 99% of people will never see me again and of the 1% that do, will soon forget as we all have bad days right?

Okay.

Today I go to the shops again as I'm hungry. I make myself look the best I can but I can't see past how bad I look and how masculine I look, so I decide to regress and put my face mask back on and go out. Again, we all have bad days.

On my way to the shop a car drives past honking loudly followed by a cascade of laughter from men. As I approach the school (it's lunch time), a child shouts "don't worry, I used to look that bad". In the shop, I'm being served by a man that always packs my bags for me, today he doesn't even offer.

Now, all three of these are almost certainly not related to yesterday or how I look today. The men in the car could've been beeping any of the other four people there. They probably knew one.
The school kid is likely giving shit to another kid.
The shop assistant is possibly having a bad day and didn't feel like bagging.

I know this. I still believe this is true but it still reminded me of how social anxiety can kick your butt into believing things that aren't there.

Think I'll have another early night and reassess tomorrow.

[Aelwyn]

I think most of us with SA are a bit paranoid, I've certainly had times where I've felt people were talking about me/laughing at me and then found out they weren't.

If the car incident was directed at you (which I doubt very much), that kind of stuff can only come from people who are very insecure (who else would prat about like that?). With the children, well children can be silly and cruel, you can be sure if they commented on you they were commenting regularly on passers-by. With the shop assistant, he was probably just having a bad day, I think by that time you had become hyper-vigilant and anxious!

You're doing so well with your job and with your confidence in general, don't let a few minor incidents (or non-incidents) undermine that.

I have tremendous admiration for you and how well you are doing.

[MissKatie]

^
Yup you got it.

I think that's a think a lot of SA people struggle with is taking everything personal even if it isn't directed at them.

In the past, after the car incident, I would've turned around and gone back home and not gone out for a day, I just took it as it was.

If it was directed at me, it was fair, I really DID look bad, I mean shitty to do to a person but still fair
.but most likely it has nothing to do with me at all

Also thank you Aelwyn it's definitely been a hard two decades but I am proof it can be done (and I know people hate when people say that haha)