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  #1  
Old 29th January 2009, 16:18
Shanibandangle Shanibandangle is offline
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Default "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

I want to know what people here, who have been diagnosed with depression, feel when they are ultimately at their worst. I've never been to a doctor about mental health issues, but I just want to run by some of my symtoms which could be related to depression and see if anyone who HAS been diagnosed can relate to it. A bit of a self-evaluation if you like.

What I get, today especially is just severe conflicting emotions. One minute on a high, and the next as low as possible. In one lesson today I felt so low, and can genuinely not say why, but all I kept thinking to myself was how I wanted to go home and hurt myself. I don't know in what way, but I felt destructive and I wanted to pinpoint my pain and sadness externally rather than internally. However, merely half an hour or so after this, I was chatting freely to some guy sitting next to me, things I would usually hesitate about saying.

Some days I come home and I want to go straight to bed and sleep the disgusting day away. Sometimes I can't be bothered to even keep up with my hygiene, yet the next day i'll shower twice and make up a routine. It's as though I have a devil and an angel inside my head, fighting viciously over who controls my thoughts. I dread to think how I would feel if I always let the devil win, but I know i'm getting stronger and i'm beginning to get positive. The struggle is so drainingly hard, just trying to be happy. Just trying to be content with how things are. Just letting people be. I used to be interested in mental health issues and depression, but now I want as far away from it all as is humanly possible. I really don't want this, not at my age anyway.

Likewise I must apologise for creating this thread simply for an emotional outlet. It's so much easier typing it out than saying it.
  #2  
Old 29th January 2009, 16:48
trulyblue trulyblue is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

At my worst point of depression from the moment i woke up in the morning i had this immense feeling of doom. Most mornings i'd actually wake up and the floodgates would open, sometimes due to the fact that unfortunatly i was awake to battle through another day. And for most part of the day the tears would continue and i just couldnt stop them.

I had absolutely no motivation whatsoever, my concentration was awful and my memory had gone out of the window. In fact i had no energy of effort to do anything. I felt tired all the time and was napping throughout the day as this was the only time i could escape from my thoughts.

My appearance was awful, cudnt be bothered to get dressed properly, put on make up even washing my hair! i lost quite a bit of weight as my appetite was low.

I felt like all i wanted to do was stay in and not be apart of the world. Thoughts of suicide constantly crossed my mind. I was in a deep black hole and feeling like i had no idea how i was gonna get out of it. I didnt give a **** about myself, or anyone else for that matter. I felt really lonely, like i didnt have a soul in the world who understood what i was going through. Even though i had support. they could never truly understand my pain.

I'm sorry, this is so depressing

I did go to the doctor ( was pushed by my boyfriend to go ) was prescribed citalopram.

I am feeling much better now, im not crying everyday, actually i havent cried in a few weeks. but i still have a long way to go.
Sa is definite factor in my depression aswell as among other stuff thats gone on in my life.

But i do think this is something i am always going to be battling with. but i do have hope that i can be happy one day and feel fulfilled.

So as u can see i can relate to things uve said.
Have u thought about going to the docs if u think u may be depressed?
  #3  
Old 29th January 2009, 19:35
Ben Ben is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanibandangle
... It's as though I have a devil and an angel inside my head, fighting viciously over who controls my thoughts...
Tis like that thing you see in cartoons when someone has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Whereas with SA i think it the voice of hopefullness on one shoulder, and the voice of hopelessness on the other. They both constantly whisper in your ear, and try to convince you they are the voice of reason. One day you will believe ones interpretion of reality, the next day you believe the others. Tis easy to get angry and confused with yourself when your simultaneously pulled this way and that by those invasive thoughts.

As to the question u posed, I wasted all my teens, and the majority of my 20's in a dream/nightmare self hate state.. alone, afraid and confused. Bizarre and incomprehensible when I look back on those years now.
  #4  
Old 29th January 2009, 20:07
wd40mk17.4 wd40mk17.4 is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben
Tis like that thing you see in cartoons when someone has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Whereas with SA i think it the voice of hopefullness on one shoulder, and the voice of hopelessness on the other. They both constantly whisper in your ear, and try to convince you they are the voice of reason. One day you will believe ones interpretion of reality, the next day you believe the others. Tis easy to get angry and confused with yourself when your simultaneously pulled this way and that by those invasive thoughts.

As to the question u posed, I wasted all my teens, and the majority of my 20's in a dream/nightmare self hate state.. alone, afraid and confused. Bizarre and incomprehensible when I look back on those years now.
you are absolutely right
I have such weird internal dialogues.

one voice telling me I'm a stud and wonderful and it lies, oh it lies, and makes me act like a tit.

and the other voice delights when the other voice is proved wrong and then torments me endlessly.
  #5  
Old 29th January 2009, 20:13
Pal Pal is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

YEP

There's the part of me that's optimistic and believes that change is perfectly possible and i'm not beyond help.

And then there's the part of me that believes i'm one of the few people who actually really is beyond help, not just in SA. :rolleyes:
  #6  
Old 29th January 2009, 21:28
GinkoSan GinkoSan is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

When I am most depressed, I get this sensation of nihilism.
I do my daily chores because new things happen when I do not do my daily chores. I think of suicide, but decide not to, because dying would be too much new. Living + staying apathetic would be better than = being death + having to carry out the execution.
I get cold towards everyone around me, until in some shape or form falling asleep.

The anticipation of the next day is what keeps me alive...


Anyone read Mushishi? :D
  #7  
Old 29th January 2009, 23:47
jontyboyoh jontyboyoh is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynic
See my posts from the last 24 hours to get an idea.


Could that be bipolar/manic depression by any chance?


I get everything and anything in between from extreme rage and a desire to do myself in (and certain people from my past) to just wanting to stay in bed and having barely any energy to open my mouth to speak. Most of the time, I'm just a dull, cold, empty shell.


That sums it up well.


'tis what I get too.


I do too.

I can associate with the 'doing-in' of oneself and also wanting to kick the shit out of all those who've wronged me in the past...... When its at its worse I even want to kick said shit out of those that dare whisper another platitude, such as 'Oh, it'll get better' OR 'ur a lovely guy'!

I know I'm a lovely guy, since this is one of the pre-requisites of this pissing disorder in the first place!
  #8  
Old 30th January 2009, 00:16
Mu. Mu. is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

The most severe incidences of my depression are always preluded my intense periods of inwardly-directed loathing. It is a difficult feeling to properly describe, but the air around me begins to feel oppressive, almost suffocating. I always feel very warm when this happens, and am overwhelmed by sorrow and regret. It is like being crushed. It is also very real, in the sense that it trivializes every moment up until that point, as if my misery is the only reality, as if any contentedness up until that point was a result of being far away, or of lacking awareness.

It is doom and it is dread, a thousand times; inescapable; unavoidable. I purposefully distance myself from anything, when it happens. No contact, no entertainment, no distractions. None of it helps. I just sit on my bed, and I dwell on the feeling. These are the times when I am suicidal, and these are the times when I mutilate myself. When I am in this state, both of these things are compelling to me, for reasons I don't understand. I want to die, or to be dead, or to cut up my face and arms. Yet despite how compelling they might feel at the moment, I dread acting on them: they are simultaneously desirable and yet sources of incredible shame.

All of my misery is brought to the fore: every mistake I have ever made, every regret I have ever had, every chance I never took, and every door that is now closed to me. If you were to ask me after-the-fact what was on my mind, I would not be able to tell you; but when I am in the moment, every perceived error of my life is intensified a thousand times and screamed throughout my mind.

More than anything, in these moments, I want help. The feeling is one of hopelessness, and helplessness. I want aid, or comfort, or understanding, or relief to come from somewhere outside myself. The paradox is that I am my most withdrawn when this happens, so help will never come. This intensifies that feeling of utter isolation, of being beyond the reach of anyone that might save you.

And all of this is focused in on the self, as if this nightmarish malaise is somehow all your own fault; because, when nothing else exists- when you have obliterated the world beyond your misery- what else have you to blame?
  #9  
Old 30th January 2009, 03:17
julie6672 julie6672 is offline
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Default Re: "But the demons inside keep on coming back"

when im at my lowest its like im dead, i dont feel anything except this huge darkness enveloping me and i dont want to do anything or say anything or interact with anyone...its like im in a dream, nothing seems real, everything just gets blacker and blacker, i dont even know why i get depressed? nothing triggers it, it just happens, i self harm and drink just to try and make things real again, it doesnt work.
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