What do you want out of life?

[michelle06]

I feel so lost at the moment. I'm 33 and have no idea what I want out of life. I'm not particularly ambitious or career-driven, but at the same time I'm not stupid and would like to achieve something, but I'm so indecisive and can't commit to anything. If I wanted something enough, I'd have to push through my anxiety, but I don't!

I envy those people who know what they want, career-wise and family wise. I wish I wanted to get married and have children, as then I'd push myself to look for someone, but instead I don't really know. I recently came back from Barcelona and realised I quite like travelling, so now that's another thing I'm considering. Is anyone else out there who is as lost as me? What would make you happy in life?

[Spectrelight]

Originally Posted by michelle06

I feel so lost at the moment. I'm 33 and have no idea what I want out of life. I'm not particularly ambitious or career-driven, but at the same time I'm not stupid and would like to achieve something, but I'm so indecisive and can't commit to anything. If I wanted something enough, I'd have to push through my anxiety, but I don't!

I envy those people who know what they want, career-wise and family wise. I wish I wanted to get married and have children, as then I'd push myself to look for someone, but instead I don't really know. I recently came back from Barcelona and realised I quite like travelling, so now that's another thing I'm considering. Is anyone else out there who is as lost as me? What would make you happy in life?

I could have written that about myself. I'm also 33 without a clue what I want from life, I know a few things that I don't want ie: kids but that doesn't narrow things down all that much. I'm in a job I don't hate but I can't see myself doing it for much longer. I like to think I'm fairly smart but with no useful qualifications I don't have many options. I agree that travelling is great though, that's one thing I know I know I want to do a lot more of. Preferably with a partner but I have to find one first and that ain't easy. Oh yeah, I want a dog too

[sensitivesoul]

I feel the same, really in the sense I'm not career orientated and am not wanting children. I feel like society places a lot of pressure on people to follow a script or constantly be seeking success in something major when for me really, I think my biggest achievement would be to be happy. I enjoy simple pleasures like sitting reading in the sun, having a glass of wine with a great conversation, a good laugh until my sides hurt and so on. Beyond this, I'd say happiness for me is/would be having a close network of friends, a decent relationship living here, feeling more confident and validated and enjoying more creative hobbies.

[michelle06]

@Silenus, I'm sure that's not true. You sound depressed.

@Spectrelight, narrowing things down is definitely a challenge. There are too many options! Finding a partner is definitely easier said than done! Dogs are great, but my dog is 12 and her health is declining

@HermanHesse, you also sound depressed. I clicked on your link. I don't think I could go backpacking - travelling nonstop from country to country. I'd need to take a breather, I think! Also, the money issue

@CameraObscuraFan, you're probably right that it's better to focus on the specific; to find goals that are achievable etc. I suppose the trouble is we're bombarded with images of people travelling the world, doing this, doing that, and it's hard not to end up comparing yourself to others and feeling dissatisfied. Or at least, I do!

@senstivesoul, yes, to be happy would be my main aim in life, but as to what makes me happy, I have no idea! I have a feeling that whatever I have, the opposite suddenly becomes more appealing. I get into a relationship and I want to be single; that kind of thing!

At least I'm not the only one. It just seems so many of the people I went to school with are married and have children. I don't think that would make me happy, but I kind of feel like I'm behind and playing catch up. They spent their twenties travelling and/ or building a career and have now settled down. I spent my twenties doing, I don't even know what; being in denial, I suppose! I'm trying to tell myself it's better late than never, but if I did want children, it's getting a bit late. I don't think I do, but it is at the back of my mind.

[Martin74]

Just want someone to talk to. Like that's gonna happen.

[Ford Prefect]

1. A healthy relationship.
2. A job I enjoy.
3. Cool people to hang out with.
4. A nice house.
5. Enough money.

Simple, really.
;-)

[Clementine]

Lots of things that I've resigned myself to never having now.

[girlinterrupted]

Originally Posted by Clementine

Lots of things that I've resigned myself to never having now.

I hear that

In a dream world I`d like:

To be well enough mentally to be functional,independent and stay that way
Love and support
Safety- emotional,financial

Ten or twenty years ago a family would have been on that list too,but that`s completely out of the question now anyway.
Not that grand a wish list but it`s been impossible so far so I hold hardly any hope for the future- just enough left to keep trying and not just top myself yet but meh,probably the day my mother dies and I`m completely alone in the world I`ll end up doing it.

[kirbycrackle]

Lots of food. Clean underwear. And the occasional boob in my mouth :0

So I wanna be a toddler basically haha.

[Omar Little]

@girlinterrupted I hope it doesn't come to that for you, and that there's a good change in your future.

But I know how you feel.

I want


But since that's not on the cards, I'd just like to not live in a shit-hole. To have some throwing around money now and again would be nice. A friend or two. A woman or three. To be passionate about something. To have a cupboard full of all the drugs. An adventure or eight.

But none of that is on the cards either. I will be broke and living alone in this shit-hole for the rest of my life. I have nothing at all going for me that is ever going to change that fact.

Jesus.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by michelle06

I feel so lost at the moment. I'm 33 and have no idea what I want out of life. I'm not particularly ambitious or career-driven, but at the same time I'm not stupid and would like to achieve something, but I'm so indecisive and can't commit to anything. If I wanted something enough, I'd have to push through my anxiety, but I don't!

I envy those people who know what they want, career-wise and family wise. I wish I wanted to get married and have children, as then I'd push myself to look for someone, but instead I don't really know. I recently came back from Barcelona and realised I quite like travelling, so now that's another thing I'm considering. Is anyone else out there who is as lost as me? What would make you happy in life?

Almost could have written this myself. I just wish I could have something to focus on, rather than being indecisive about everything.
I'm feeling particularly bad about this at the moment. As my current job ends next month, and **** knows what i'm going to do after. I haven't got a clue what sort of career i'd like. The majority of people seem to have an idea of what they want to do (or are very good at pretending they do).

[michelle06]

^ What I really need is for someone to tell me what to do, although I can be quite contrary, so I'd probably end up doing the opposite, but at least it would get me somewhere!

[BusterBluth]

I just want to keep improving myself as much as I can, be it physically or intellectually. I've pretty much resigned myself to not having an 'ordinary' life so I just want to sink into what I am really. Accept I am a bit of a hermit, but it doesn't mean life has to be shit. I want to master being alone lol. Be the best me I can (it's so corny but there ya go)

Just want to keep learning, traveling etc have as much fun as I can along the way, I have hobbies and interests to pursue. All I need really is a small income and to apply more effort in general and stop being a lazy shit too often

Career-wise Idk, once I'm feeling better in myself and I have some money in my pocket it would make sense for me to do Plastering (I'm qualified in it just need a driving license n vehicle to make it work). Failing that I have no idea really, but I'd rather be self-employed if possible or at least doing something really interesting.

It would be great to have a little social circle outside of my family but at the same time I kind of like not having one too I find social interaction quite draining unless I really like the person and know them well. I don't need a ton of friends but one or two gd mates to do things with would be cool.

[girlinterrupted]

@Omar Little Thank you,I hope so too but I don`t see it happening after all these years and have always just thought it`d end up as I described. We`ll see I guess. I just know I couldn`t be as I am AND be totally alone so *shrugs*. I hope something turns around for you too . If not someone is going to need to start that SAUK old (middle aged?) folks home because I don`t want to end up completely alone (whilst ofc simultaneously being terrified of people).

Oh what a happy contradiction I am

[Toxic]

Not a clue

I'm 31 and never really knew..

Not sure I've accepted I'm a grown up yet, don't seem to want many grown up things (kids etc) Used to think I wanted a relationship...but then I associated relationships with things like kids..and trips to b&q and all the drama of the limited relationships in the past made me think i'm better off out of it.

But thats not really helped me figure out what I "want" ..more comfortable I guess, more money so i can work less hours? (I'm not exactly career driven..I have a job...I earn some money..and I get a lot of stress for the privilege) Not convinced I want to do it for the next 35 years.

But even if I had more free time I don't know what I'd fill it with..I'm just aimlessly going through the days at the moment.

[Hayman]

At the age of 32, I'm no further ahead in life than I was when I was 17. This is when I feel my life basically 'stalled' and never got going again. This is what upsets me more than anything else and has been the main reason behind both my Social Anxiety (seeing I'm so far behind and made to feel that way by others also...) and my three spells of diagnosed depression.

All I want from life are the same basic lifetime progressions that simply 'happen' for everyone else. That's all I've ever asked for and sadly, this has been too much to ask. What do I mean by the same basic lifetime progressions? Moving out to my own place. Romance. Kids... I'm not exactly asking for the world. Just the very same things that 'materalise' for 99% of people. The latter I've accepted won't happen now - it's too late for me as I'm not willing to entertain being an older father. That's all academic really - when you've still yet to hold hands or kiss...

Although I went through a really low patch at around the age of 23-26, it otherwise certainly hasn't been through a lack of effort. It's been down to the lack of the same equal chances and windows of opportunity because of unfair stigmas held against me - basically for lacking the luck of others. A downward spiral that I simply cannot get out of.

[David K]

Originally Posted by Dean

I suppose, first and foremost, I am thinking about what I can put in to life in order that its blows may be lessened, rather than so much what I might be able to get out.

This is a great answer.

I was severely depressed and suicidal through most of 2014/15, and it's changed how I look at life. Every day that I'm not suicidally miserable is a good day. Every small pleasure is worth living for. I don't compare myself to other people and I don't worry about what I don't have.

Eventually I might start wanting more from life, but for now just getting by is absolutely fine.

[Tom Morello]

The "normal" things like decent income, regular holidays, romance, own home, marriage eventually, possibly kids (not sure on that one). But then I remember that I haven't achieved things which most 18 year olds have and I'm approaching my mid 20s. I have no real career plan with a below average income, my love life has always been non existent and I see meeting new people as a chore so that messes up most of the things I want. The only areas I'm doing well on is saving money and holidays because of living at home, paying low rent and next to no social life to worry about.
I still get depressed now and then because the things I'm missing feel impossible to achieve for one reason or another.

[michelle06]

^ It's good not to compare yourself to other people. I wish I could be more like that, as it would probably make me happier, but then I probably wouldn't do anything. I've only pushed myself to do things, really, because I saw what others were up to and didn't want to miss out! I guess I'm the kind of person who will never be content.

[Dougella]

^^^^^ Excellent post, I agree.

I've never particularly wanted the typical things from life such as marriage or children but just to try to move forward as best I can. The things that have happened so far have been so unexpected anyway I couldn't have predicted how things would turn out.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by girlinterrupted

@Omar Little Thank you,I hope so too but I don`t see it happening after all these years and have always just thought it`d end up as I described. We`ll see I guess. I just know I couldn`t be as I am AND be totally alone so *shrugs*. I hope something turns around for you too . If not someone is going to need to start that SAUK old (middle aged?) folks home because I don`t want to end up completely alone (whilst ofc simultaneously being terrified of people).

Oh what a happy contradiction I am

Thanks, GI

It ain't such a bad idea. I think that living with another one or two or three SAers could have all kinds of benefits for all of them - someone else can list them.

It would never work though. A lot of people wouldn't advertise that they had a house share out of fear that no one would want to live with them. There's also the fear of the 'wrong' person applying and then having to turn them down - f that! I mean, internally you'd be going "Only one person has shown interest, and I hate everything about them. I can't do this!". While externally you'd be all "Oh, wow, I'm so glad one person showed interest. I think we could make it work. I'll PM you the details, roomie." Then you'd have to make up a reason why the whole thing had fallen through, you lost your job or something. The other person wouldn't believe you and would scour the internet looking for proof that you were advertising somewhere else. You wouldn't be able to post an advert anywhere else online because you'd worry that this person might see it, given that they are looking for such a thing. But you have to. They won't see it, will they? You post it. They see it. You have to leave the internet forever. Best not to bother with that whole palaver.

[Tom Morello]

Originally Posted by michelle06

^ It's good not to compare yourself to other people. I wish I could be more like that, as it would probably make me happier, but then I probably wouldn't do anything. I've only pushed myself to do things, really, because I saw what others were up to and didn't want to miss out! I guess I'm the kind of person who will never be content.

I'm never content either, I'm sure that even if I magically achieved all the things I listed I would still find something to be unhappy about.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by michelle06

^ It's good not to compare yourself to other people. I wish I could be more like that, as it would probably make me happier, but then I probably wouldn't do anything. I've only pushed myself to do things, really, because I saw what others were up to and didn't want to miss out! I guess I'm the kind of person who will never be content.

Maybe I should start comparing myself to other people. I might get stuff done then. The only thing that has ever pushed me into achieving things in the past, like learning to drive and passing some educational courses, has been economic fear and having my back against the wall financially. If I ain't in the shit, then my legs ain't kicking.

[Jam]

Stability.

And rock hard abs.

So to summarise- stability.

[girlinterrupted]

@OmarLittle It`s funny (and sad) because it`s true

[Silent Ninja]

Feeling that I've found where I "belong", that would be a start.

[Marco]

Originally Posted by Dean

The saying "be careful what you wish for" comes to mind.

I've fought and/or worked hard a lot in my life to arrive at this or that position or obtain this or that thing, whatever it may be, only to realise it wasn't such a big deal after all, or realise that I was just being a fool the whole time.

That's not to say progression, pro-activity or working to better your situation is bad or a waste of time, of course it definitely is not and I wouldn't take any of it back, I say that not as something negative or uninspiring, but as something positive and as a life lesson. To be able to recognise even the most subtle of victories and take what can be taken from the most catastrophic of defeats.

Happiness lies within, it's about perspective, choice and gratitude. And I don't care if it sounds same-old or cliché. There's a reason these sorts of simple sayings endure the test of time, it's because they're as true as the force of gravity.

I hope only to make it through this life with as little tragedy, drama and regret as possible, to mean and do well, to be able to find the courage necessary to make it through the darkest of times and to be surrounded by decent people who do not hinder me but inspire, encourage and ultimately better me, as I likewise desire and hope to do for them. I feel that life is often as much about others as it is about the self and that we are here for each other.

I suppose, first and foremost, I am thinking about what I can put in to life in order that its blows may be lessened, rather than so much what I might be able to get out.

^I think this is a very difficult question, but what a great answer!

[Hayman]

Comparing myself to others is something I openly admit to doing. It's not that I can't help myself. It***8217;s down to the fact that I have no choice but to see this almost every day ***8211; seeing that others ten years my junior have already achieved all the basic lifetime progressions that I can only dream of. You can't 'un-see' what they have over you. Especially when they question why you haven***8217;t done this, that or the other***8230; They don't seem to understand that not everyone has good luck. Not everyone can just 'materialise' a progression for themselves, regardless of what effort is made and in all fairness, to me this just shows the general ignorance regular people have over those who are left behind.

Again, not being able to have children is painful and sadly it's not something you can just 'put off' if you intend on still being of reasonable physical shape in mind whilst they grow up. I've had to basically rule this out of my life as I've accepted I'd now be an older parent if anything we're to happen. I've accepted that I'll die without children and pretty much put my mind to rest on that once I hit 30. All I do is look on the positives of not having children and focus on those. I think I've been quite successful at doing this.

Marriage***8230;? Whilst a decade ago I'd have loved to have got married, I've already accepted this is now a 'been there' and 'done that' for practically everyone of my age and therefore, mine would be considered a lesser 'also ran' that wouldn't have anywhere near the same level of sustained positive attention or celebration. With horror stories out there also, my interest in marriage has gradually reduced over the years to the point that I'm genuinely not bothered about it any more. I have nothing against marriage don't get me wrong, it just doesn't bother me like it used to. That ship has also very much sailed.

The one big thing that does bother me and pains me every day to the point I feel sick in the pit of my stomach is that I'm not allowed to have a relationship ***8211; not even so much as a date, regardless of what I do. To say that as a 32 year old man is a huge embarrassment to me and it's something I've been made to feel inferior about by numerous people each and every passing year with sarcastic little quips, jokes in conversations e.t.c***8230; when I've not even raised the subject. This has caused me a huge chunk of the Social Anxiety I live with today. This issue, without shadow of doubt, is my life's biggest bugbear. Lets just say I ever did get somewhere***8230; What's going to make up for that 16 year (and counting) 'gap' of loss, humiliation and pain that almost no one else of my age has had to deal with? I really can't see how I can ever solve this problem. Especially the way society negatively judges and stigmatises men like myself who simply have absolutely zero luck or positive feedback in order to develop what***8217;s considered essential ***8211; confidence.

Plenty of people say it's no big deal***8230; If I had a pound for every time I've heard that, I'd be able to buy my own small house, cash, by now***8230; It's very easy to say when that scratch for them has been itched ***8211; and usually several times. Well done. You've made it. I'm not being given the same basic chances to scratch that itch ***8211; that's the problem. Saying it's no big deal to someone who has tried so hard for so long to remain even dateless, with all due respect, come across as positively obtuse. Again, not being understood leads onto further issues such as depression. They don't have to live with being treated like a 'man child'. I do. Stand in my shoes for a week and they'd soon see how beyond desperate (to say the least...) the situation is for men like myself. It's cruelty.

If there was one thing I could change in my life ***8211; this would most definitely be it above all else. I'm not saying a relationship would last. I'm not saying it would completely turn my life around and eradicate my Social Anxiety. I'd be foolish to suggest that. What it would do would give me the opportunity to at least tick off the most basic of lifetime progressions that people half my age have done with absolutely no issue. It would give me a desperately needed confidence boost to know that someone does (or did) actually want me. It would allow me to experience a 'normal' life. It would remove one of the biggest monkey's off my back once and for all.

[David K]

Originally Posted by Hayman

The one big thing that does bother me and pains me every day to the point I feel sick in the pit of my stomach is that I'm not allowed to have a relationship – not even so much as a date, regardless of what I do.

What do you do?

[Clementine]

Oh Hayman If only you could put as much effort into listing all of your blessings as you do your troubles
If you must compare yourself to others then try comparing yourself to those less fortunate than you instead. Life doesn't owe us a thing, we aren't automatically entitled to anything and it's nobody else's fault if we don't get what we want. A lot of people on this planet will be luckier than you, a lot more will not be though. Nothing about life is 'fair', nor is it meant to be. No matter what happens to us, good or bad, we have to make the most of whatever we're dealt and take ownership of our own lives. Attitude is everything. Change your attitude, change your life.