How do you make friends?

[Progress]

A few people have mentioned about difficulty in making/keeping friends recently so thought I'd start a thread to get some thoughts.
I'll start with mine. I've had a difficulty making friends since school, partly due to low self esteem and thinking people won't want to be with me because I don't talk enough and also I think because a big part of me doesn't actually want friends.
I have managed to make 3 'permanent' male friends over the years but it's friendship through shared interest. Being guys, I never talk about personal stuff/problems (well, virtually never).
Over the years I have met a few people (through support groups etc) that I have talked about personal problems with. These friendships have all come and gone, I guess because we didn't share enough in common.
A view I have developed over the years is that a person stays with a friend because of positive things that that person can offer. So the problem for some of us when in the depths of problems, is that we need help but might find it difficult to give to a friend or group because of being wrapped up in ourselves. I know I have been to so many things when I'm just thinking - I want to meet a girl for a relationship. I think the neediness shows, but it also stops me from getting properly involved in the activity and therefore properly contributing. I'm recently finding that the more I just focus on the activity itself, the less self conscious and anxious I feel and the better I relate to people.
I'm also very wary because I've had a lot of pain when losing people, but I feel I need to recognise that people do come and go, and it has to be accepted. A true permanent friend is quite a rare find.

Any other thoughts?

[-Simon-]

Yes I agree with all that and I suspect most people count as 'friends' people with whom they have a shared interest and for whom the relationship is mutually beneficial on a not very deep level, i.e. it's convenient to hang around with people you know and who are doing the same sort of things. For most people, hanging around with people you don't actively like would be preferable to being seen to have no friends.
I've met some nice people at meets who I could imagine spending time with but most of the people I meet in real life don't interest me much as they already have their own circle of friends and understably don't much want to mix with a weird loner with no social skills. The friendship and relationship I can accept as something that's not going to happen but it annoys me that not having such people in my life can mean I end up not doing stuff and missing out on opportunities.

[Brutalness]

alway online and of of the people i ment on line is now a ture life friend for all time

[Toxic]

god knows

when im at the same place over and over again for several months people eventually seem to take an interest in me..despite the fact i look miserable and barely speak..perhaps im a mystery!

i cant just randomly go out and about and make friends..it takes me too long to get marginally comfortable so i probably dont seem approachable

its weird though, ive got "friends" from college/uni/work whatever ...but when i leave for whatever reason i dont really keep in contact, whether thats my fault for not making an effort, theirs, maybe they thought i was boring i dont know. yet id say theres 3 of them..seem different..i can speak to them online nearly every day, always seem to have something to chat about...can not speak for a week or 2 then just carry on talking like there was no gap at all. I need some more of them...i went to secondary school with 2 of them and uni with the other..but 2 of them are too busy with work and the other moved away..so its nearly always online, which isnt helping me..nor is it enough anymore

[firemonkey]

I don't make friends in 3D. Basically don't know how to.Initiating and sustaining conversations and knowing what to say in certain situations is very difficult. Have some online acquaintances from forums i get on quite well with

[Ocean Of Noise]

For me due to circumstances, and perhaps my age, my true (old) friends are scattered all over the place so meeting up for a beer is a rarity and a special occassion due to the pressures of travel, work and family commitments. So facebook is usually the means by which we communicate. I would say that, deep down you know who they are and your right to say they are rare indeed.

As discussing stuff of my personal or delicate nature... Your right, blokes are a bit rubbish at this lets be blunt about it, but this gets a little easier as you get older, particulary with that handful of true good friends and/or close family members. After being in a long term relationship I dated for a couple of years, it was shall we say 'interesting' at times, fun and damn right terrifying at others but I did meet a couple of girls who have become friends and felt comfortable with enough over time to open up and talk about the crap going on in my life. They are still friends, even if we only chat on facebook now.

Perhaps its being an old fogey but the importance of making new friends is less of a big deal than it used to be. If it happens, great! If it doesn't work out, no great loss!

In short, making friends is never an exact science even if your brimming with confidence I would imagine - and you never know how it will work out, how can you know whether they're a life long friend or just a passing acquaintance.

[Dandelion10]

Now in my 3rd week of exposure I'd really like to go to at least one place with someone as I'm feeling increasingly like 'that weirdo' as assistants and cashiers try strike up conversation with me.

I just e-mailed an old friend to join me at a coffee morning. I plan to go to Mind as well, to the Women's group where they go swimming together every 4th Fri or something.

I've even considered a befriending scheme. There's also joining shared interest groups, I've been e-mailing a fellow writer for ages and have been wondering whether to ask him to accompany me on a research gathering trip for our books.

There's an OCD group I still haven't got round to going to but they're the sort of people I could really relate to.

I'm working up to a meet as who better to be friends with than a socially anxious person who knows what it's like! It'd solve alot of my problems about being uncomfortable going places alone but I don't think that will be for some time.

[Wumbo]

I don't, but if it wasn't considered improper I'd ideally like to be able to hand out questionnaires, doing away with small talk which is something I'm incapable of - I tend (I used) to stand there, opting for silence with a big lump in my throat.

(This post shouldn't be treated with any sincerity).

[socialanxietyjohn]

Being Aspie I have no idea what other people are on about so don't make friends at all.

[ratty]

Originally Posted by Progress

I have managed to make 3 'permanent' male friends over the years but it's friendship through shared interest. Being guys, I never talk about personal stuff/problems (well, virtually never).

I was speaking to someone who does not have SA about making friends. He said if he moved somewhere new the only thing he would do to try and meet people would be through joining sports teams. He said that's really the only way he's met people generally (aside from work, and friends from his childhood). I really get the impression a lot of guys mainly make friends through sports/hobbies and don't discuss personal problems with them.

Personally, a lot of my friends have come and gone too. I kind of expect it now but don't mean that to sound negative. I've made friends at uni (of which I never see any of them), and through work. Aside from that, I only really made 'friends' when travelling but I don't see any of them as they all live overseas! So I can't even count them.

At work, I am pretty proactive and basically if someone is a similar age and seems alright and I've chatted to them a bit, I ask them to go for a coffee and that's normally how we become friends. That technique however means I do spend time with people who I don't really 'get'... but I figure I'm being sociable and you don't have to have a super deep connection with everyone, as long as you get on - and eventually you might get that connection, or you might drift apart anyway. I'm pretty sure those big groups of people you see frollicking in the sun don't know every single thing about each other and may just be acquaintances.

I really think guys might need to bond over more of an activity. I'm not sure my friend I was referring to earlier would ever go over to another guy at work and ask him to go for a coffee. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just don't think it's the technique guys use.

You said part of you doesn't want friends. That's ok. You don't have to be out every night with ten people. If you are happy as you are, you shouldn't be worried about it. But then you have raised this topic which makes me think you must want friends? Or are you just talking about a girlfriend?

I think, generally, the usual advice applies:
- join a club for your hobbies (sport, painting, photography, book club, rambling, wine, whatever)
- do a short course (something academic, something practical, something developmental)
- go to meets on here or check the penpals section
- join a friend making club type thing (not one I'm keen on personally), they have them all over
- if you work, try and see if there's anyone suitable there, or if there are any work-related activities you can do - e.g. my work has clubs/social events

I think the main problems are that to meet people you have to appear sociable and do something sociable/make repeated efforts, and that making friends is a slow process.

[Spike]

^ I think that's true. I'd never ask a bloke I work with out for a coffee and the guys at my work who do hang out with each other tend to play squash together or something.

I think there's a bit of a chicken and an egg situation with joining clubs, especially if you're not sporty. Personally I'd find it hard to go to a club on my own, but then in order to have someone to go with to these things you have to do something to meet someone in the first place lol. I did a short course but all the people in the class tended to sit quietly and get on with their work, there wasn't much interaction. I did start up a chat with a couple of the other chaps after our exam though, so maybe a more interactive course would have led to more opportunities.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by ratty

You said part of you doesn't want friends. That's ok. You don't have to be out every night with ten people. If you are happy as you are, you shouldn't be worried about it. But then you have raised this topic which makes me think you must want friends? Or are you just talking about a girlfriend?

A lot of the time I don't really know what I want. I think a big part of it is that I am embarrassed that I have few friends. And it would be good to go out more in the evenings but I hate going alone. A girlfriend is the ideal, but that's often a bit 'eggs in one basket', I sometimes think.
Maybe I can learn to be happier the way I am, because in many ways it's not such a bad place.
Thanks.