Odd friendship

[Sunset]

Im friends with a 65 year old man. Im 28. We have been friends since university and he is very perceptive, kind and intelligent. We have many interesting chats on the phone.

When he invites me to his house, his house is incredibly dirty. Im talking about cat hairs everywhere, on the kitchen table, cobwebs all over the kitchen cabinets, filthy kitchen tops. Food lovely but served on dirty cutlery.I have to wait for him to go to the toilet and wash my knife and fork,

I cant say anything to him because he would be offended. He is astute enough to know that he lives in a shithole. He is also an arrogant man.
The last time I visited his house he told me " I will leave the kitchen table to you" meaning that he wanted me to clean it before we ate.
There were no cloths or cleaning products in his house. I struggled. Often I take something from home to clean the table but feel too self conscious to do it in front if him...like its my problem.

He also relates to me in a sexual way sometimes, double entendres etc. It makes me slightly uncomfortable.

I am seriously considering not visiting again because I feel it is disrespectful to invite a guest into that kind of filthy enviroment...the flip side is I like his friendship and often find it quite therapeutic to visit.

Out of principal I dont feel its right to visit him on home territory, he is disrespecting me. But im worried that im cutting off my nose to spite my face because I do enjoy visiting sometimes, if I arrange to meet up in public places all the time he will know something is wrong and challenge me on it.

Should I boycot the house out of principal or continue to visit and put up with the uncomfortableness of the filth?

[Flowerbomb]

Sod that I'd run a mile, the filth for a start, I wouldn't go anyhow. He sounds like a creep.

[FunkyMonkey]

:o

If ur sure he dont fancy u then u should probably try and stay friends and just arrange to meet at other places instead of his house and just go to his house like once in a blue moon (woo never used that phrase before - sorry lol)

If u think he fancies u then u mite wna keep a distance :p

I couldnt eat off dirty plates or with a dirty knife and folk.
I ALWAYS have to wash my own, unless I know the other person is very clean. (I would never let someone see me washing a plate tho) *goes to toilet with plate and folk under t shirt* only joking ^_^ never done that before, when my nans making dinner I quickly wash a plate and folk when shes not looking and then make sure she knows which plate is mine.

At home I keep my own plate, bowl, folk etc in my room so I just wash those soon as I finish eating then give them alittle rinse just before I use them again :p

[Sunset]

That post made me laugh funkymonkey. I have thought of taking my own plate and knife and fork but I cant. What would I say to him?

[Flowerbomb]

^ he will murder you in the end (joke)

[FunkyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Sunset

That post made me laugh funkymonkey. I have thought of taking my own plate and knife and fork but I cant. What would I say to him?

Yeah dont think thats the best idea ^_^

How abouttt u avoid his house as much as possible but when you cant say no anymore all of a sudden get an apitite for takeaway pizza and say u'll pay for it on urself but share it with him.

That way its not bein rude, u dont have to use his plates or anything (Have half a box each or if its buy 1 get 1 free just a whole box each)

Their only like £7 where I live (and thats buy 1 get 1 free aswell)
So if u manage to avoid house visits until every 3-6 months then £7 aint so bad

[Sunset]

I would do that but he likes to cook for me. I dont think he is really a pizza person, neither am I really.

I the past I have tried to wash up a bit for him but I suppose the thread is about whether or not I should be visiting at all anymore. Im not sure I can go to his house and start acting different to what I have for the last 5-6 years.

He has also been eating healthily for the last year and lost weight...the takeaway bit he never does anymore.

[Progress]

I'm in a similar situation in that I have a good friend who is 42 years older than me - he's very young at heart which helps make it work. He's very clean generally, though maybe he's lapsing a bit. The other day I was stirring the coffee and noticed the spoon was filthy. I think he saw the expression on my face so I didn't need to say anything.

I do think a lot of things in life often require some compromise. I guess it's up to you whether the benefits outweigh the downside. If it's a big part of your social life it might be worth continuing.

It's always a difficult thing to point out something like poor hygiene, but it can be down if you're tactful. Would you be able to gently point out that you would prefer things a bit cleaner. Maybe suggest you bring some cleaning stuff round. You'd be doing him a favour too, you could use that as a positive thing to soften the blow as it were.

EDIT after seeing your last post - has anything changed to make you want to stop seeing him now?

[Sunset]

Hi Progress. No nothing has happened as such, but the whole situation has been on my mind more or less since Ive known him. I always felt at some point I would mention the unhygenic kitchen but as time progressed, he made it obvious in conversation that he would find it rude for someone to mention either body odour or the cleanliness of a persons house ,unless that opinion was asked for.

When we first met I was about 22-23 and I was even less assertive then. He had bad breath and body odour but I could never say anything. This incidentally has cleared up since he lost weight...but he still wears dirty clothes etc.

Now im 28. Ive matured a bit and I feel that its unacceptable.

[Flowerbomb]

I agree 65 & 28 yrs is abit weird really, ageism aside, it's making you with his so called banter uncomfortable in his house dodgy.

If he told me to wipe the filthy table before I ate I'd say f off, not really why should you do that?

[Progress]

Originally Posted by Sunset

Now im 28. Ive matured a bit and I feel that its unacceptable.

Maybe time to get out ???

[FunkyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Progress

Maybe time to get out ???

If he has no other friends or stuff it would be sad for her to break friendship with him cus then he mite feel like he has nothing.

If it came to breaking friends or telling him to clean up in a nice way then I think it would be better for him to atleast have the chance (even tho i know u said he dont like to be told wether his house is a mess or not)

Aslong as all he wants is friendship nothing more :p

[Flowerbomb]

@ sunset who wants an odd friendship have you not answered your own question it's odd = weird.

[Mina]

I actually have a lot of allergies, and didn't develop them until I was in my late 20's. So my suggestion would be to tell your friend that you have developed allergies and that as his house is a *bit* dusty it would help if you meet somewhere else. It's depending on how bad your SA is, I don't know if you could manage a meal in a pub?

Or maybe you could suggest a good walk somewhere? If he is on a health kick it might be good for both of you to get away from the house (him especially, can't be healthy to live in that environment).

Good friends are hard to come by and getting rid of someone who's conversation you enjoy just because they have bad habits doesn't seem like a good idea.

As for the comments, I doubt he is a perv. If you have known him over 5 years he would have "made a move" by now if he had those feelings for you. If he's never progressed beyond the odd double-entendre then likely he acts that way with all females. I tend to blush and dislike male company particularly because I get so embarrassed when men talk about sex, even if they are doing it in a jokey way. So I am not the best person to advise about that aspect.

I think as someone who has felt awkward socially yourself, you will be able to manage this situation in a way that wont hurt your friend's feelings. If you suddenly stopped seeing him, that would hurt him a lot more than changing the place where you meet.

[Flowerbomb]

I'd feel sick with his filthy clothes etc bad breath etc let's be realistic here, meet in a field is the only answer lol

[Tirano]

Is this man your only friend Sunset, or the one you most closely relate to? He sounds like a "better than nothing" solution rather than having someone else but choosing him? If the house is filthy then perhaps just visit but eat before you go.

While I could accept unintentional low hygiene because of loss of mental/physical capability, when it's a concious choice and they refuse to change then no way.

I don't think the age difference alone is strange. I have made good friends with elderly people, they often have interesting live and stories to tell, and often I share their tastes more than those of my contemporaries. Some of my same age work colleagues are painfully shallow people. Perhaps mundane dirt and mess is a price worth paying for a beautiful mind to interact with at a higher level? But perhaps the smell always intrudes.

[-Simon-]

In a mutually respectful friendship, you shouldn't be afraid to voice your concerns but I appreciate it's a difficult conversation to have. I don't think there's any point in beating around the bush and making up excuses etc. but if you don't feel it's something you'd want to talk to him about maybe write him a note to let him know how you feel, be sure to include all the positive things about your relationship and also make sure that it's clear the ball in his court, i.e. if he values your friendship he'll make the next move and either clean up his act (literally!) or agree to a compromise wherin you're not expected to spend too mch time in unhygenic surroundings.

[SheepyMoo]

The age difference isn't odd to me friendship wise. But the filthy house, flirting(?) etc definetly is odd.

I think you're in quite a difficult position Sunset, especially as it's been going on for several years. There's not really a right or wrong way to try and resolve things in your favour but I hope you don't carry on with the way things are. Regardless of whether you quite enjoy chatting to him, do you stay friends with him purely in the sense it passes the time? It's something to do? Do you have any idea why he lives in such filth? Surely he can't actually like it - does he strike you as having a mental illness at all? Does he have family or other friends?

From what you've said about the home and him as a person I'd definetly stop the house visits. Suggest to meet at a cafe/pub/wherever. When he asks why tell the truth that it's uncomfortable for you and maybe he will clean up his act (although unlikely from the way you've described him). Or just make up a lie, someone suggested allergies. You could say you've developed asthma and his house has started to trigger symptoms.

[Sunset]

Actually its feasable that I have acually developed an allergy. I told him that I came out in a rash all around my knees after the last couple of visits. He exlained that his cats had had fleas but it was sorted now.

I cant freshen up in his bathroom either because that is incredibly filthy too and one tap wont turn on without a screwdriver.

As to the question how deep is the friendship. We have a genuine connection and I am very close to him, he is very kind and has helped me in all sorts of situations which is why I have put up with his stig of the dump persona for 6 years.

As for the flirting its not a simple situation. He thinks im a very sexy woman and I know he is attracted to me. When we first met I know he wanted things to develop between us but I was repulsed by him physically and the state of his home, so we just stayed friends.

He has suggested doing "art nude" pictures with me ( I know this is starting to sound slightly comical) even though he knows that there is more chance of me marrying a prince than ever doing anything sexual with him, and he knows I have a boyfriend who I am in love with.

When he is cooking dinner he never washes his hands, even after using the toilet, and when I arrive home I have a routine where I put all my clothes in the wash, and shower, my hair even smells from the atmosphere in his house.

Its like a self respect thing. No he is not just some friend, and I dont think I could replace his friendship....but when I arrive home I think " never again"

[Tetsuaiga]

Sounds unpleasant to me really. If you've got a boyfriend you surely can't be so desperate for company you need to see this guy?

[яemus]

I'd be honest with him.

[-Simon-]

Originally Posted by Sunset

When he is cooking dinner he never washes his hands, even after using the toilet

That's just disgusting, you need to say something. Ok if he's not bothered about hygiene but this is something else.

[Flowerbomb]

Originally Posted by Charlotte.

You say he has helped you with all sorts of situations and that is why you put up with his stig of the dump persona for 6 years. Are you putting up with him for that only, or would you still be friends even if he had not helped you?
If I had a male friend, who made sexual innuendos and suggested art nude photo's, (what are they??) to me, then I would be very uncomfortable, and would no longer see it as a friendship. He obviously wants more. Is your partner ok with you being around this man?
If you genuinely like this man as a friend then by now after 6 years you should be able to say to him that he needs to get cleaning up his house and himself, and that you will help him to do that, and if he doesnt want to, then tell him you will only visit him away from home. If he is truly a friend he should understand.Maybe suggest that you will spend a day or weekend helping him?

Could you seriously help this man clean his house, it's too gross!

[Sunset]

Im not sure Charlotte if I would still be friends with him, I feel a loyalty towards him and the fact that we go back so long.
However, he is becoming increasingly tedious, im not sure if its because im older now, but he cracks silly jokes all the time.
Like one time he dropped me home and I said "thanks for having me" and he said "in a manner of speaking".
In the 6 years ive known him he has not had a woman in his life so I think he creates a fantasy in his head. I mean ideally at 65 it would be nice for him to meet a nice lady in her 60s...but he tends to go for much younger women.
His second wife was 16 when he met her...and he was 32.

And now he keeps talking about this 26 year old who was once his student (he is a lecturer).

To be frank even though I enjoy his company...I do get creeped out by him sometimes.

[FunkyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Flowerbomb

Could you seriously help this man clean his house, it's too gross!

U hate that guy so much XD

[Flowerbomb]

I don't I don't know him from what I've heard he'd be cleaner if he lived in a compost heap/dustbin lol

[FunkyMonkey]

Originally Posted by Flowerbomb

I don't I don't know him from what I've heard he'd be cleaner if he lived in a compost heap/dustbin lol

lol XD

I would have thought a lecterer / teacher would be rly clean and stuff.

@Sunset Btw. I probably woulda stopped going to his house if a 65 yr old asked me to pose naked for a picture :O lol

[Pablo Huntsbach]

Originally Posted by Sunset

Actually its feasable that I have acually developed an allergy. I told him that I came out in a rash all around my knees after the last couple of visits. He exlained that his cats had had fleas but it was sorted now.

I cant freshen up in his bathroom either because that is incredibly filthy too and one tap wont turn on without a screwdriver.

...


He has suggested doing "art nude" pictures with me ( I know this is starting to sound slightly comical) even though he knows that there is more chance of me marrying a prince than ever doing anything sexual with him, and he knows I have a boyfriend who I am in love with.

I don't want to be rude but get the **** out of this situation as soon as you can!

[Progress]

Yeah, the more I hear the more I think, time to move on.

[Azi]

I think if you do want a continued friendship with this chap, you're going to have to (re)draw some boundaries. Is it possible for you to meet him elsewhere but bringing along the boyfriend to counter any saucy nonsense?