Just so lonely

[smile]

I am getting extremely lonely. I was diagnosed as having social anxiety by my private therapist over a year ago, although there have been thoughts that it could be avoident personality disorder.
In 4 years I have only worked for 4 months. Last time was for 6 days and that was a year ago. I am very scared about working because I fear doing something wrong in front of someone and then maybe being told off. Having someone not like me.
In the whole of last year I only met up with 2 friends twice each. The only interaction I get is by posting messages online in forums. However when I dont get a reply I start to think it is because people dont like me or I said something wrong. I have just started therapy at a therapeutic community and I am struggling to talk in group therapy because I am scared someone will judge me and I will be seen different or they dont like me because of what I say. When something is asked the words are at the back of my throat. but they wont come out. I am getting very frustrated by it all. I feel inadequate, feel like I have nothing good to say, think there will be silences if I meet friends etc. I am just feeling very lonely, especially in the evenings. I dont know what to do to change things.

[M80]

Hi,

Keep seeing your therapist. Have they offered to give you CBT? I found this very useful in breaking negative thinking patterns and viscious cycles. It sounds as though you suffer from this so CBT will probably help rationalise your thoughts so you will stop thinking that nobody likes you etc.

Are you on medication? This may help also to lift your mood and take away some anxiety.

Try and force yourself to take some positive action and deliberately do things which may seem difficult, like going into town to do shopping, or visiting a museum or something. There are lots of people who do these types of things by themselves and no-one will judge you negatively for it. Meeting up with friends on a regular basis is a good idea, but it seems as though you need to tackle your lack of self-confidence and unhappiness first.

[smile]

The therapy I am having at the moment is group therapy. I had 20 sessions of cbt last year, we didnt have much time to work on the social anxiety. I have been on Escitalopram and Risperidone for quite a while now. The group therapy I am having goes on for a year or more and I dont think we can have any other therapy along side it. If I wanted cbt I would have to go back on the waiting list. which could be more than 18 months long. I also have other problems with feeling dependent. I dont think I can cope with life, doing normal things that others do like work, pay bills etc. I feel like I will only cope if I live with my mum.

[Johnni]

Your having the same thoughts as probably 90% of us here on these boards. How can we change or get out of this rut of a lack or mo social life etc. Your doing well already by having group therapy. I thought about it myself but it scares me lol but it shows that at least you are trying and making progress. The thoughts you are having about peope judging you when you speak in therapy is typical of SA and other anxiety based disorder like OCD etc. My anxiety is sky-high and having OCD also makes it a hard time just to socialise.
I found CBT has helped me alot in terms of believeing that not everyone is judging me or gives a toss about what i wear, say etc.

[smile]

Thats what my cbt was mostly focused on, OCD. Evem now I dont know how much a problem it is mixed in with the social anxiety. You mentioned worrying about what you wear, I dont know if you gave that as an example, but its something I also have a problem with. However recently I have tried dressing how I would like, even if I do feel very self-conscious. I think this is OCD, I always seem to question what my true feelings are with people, like with my friends I dont know whether I really like them or not, I keep thinking I am just using them. I feel the same about my brothers ans eldest niece. I dont know what is true anymore.

[Johnni]

Originally Posted by smile

Thats what my cbt was mostly focused on, OCD. Evem now I dont know how much a problem it is mixed in with the social anxiety. You mentioned worrying about what you wear, I dont know if you gave that as an example, but its something I also have a problem with. However recently I have tried dressing how I would like, even if I do feel very self-conscious. I think this is OCD, I always seem to question what my true feelings are with people, like with my friends I dont know whether I really like them or not, I keep thinking I am just using them. I feel the same about my brothers ans eldest niece. I dont know what is true anymore.

What i wear i always worry about. I worry about my weight alot and clothes never seem to fit me right. I try to wear clothes that i think both fit me right and the style i like also. For guys i think it's harder if your slim to buy clothes that fit compared to women but maybe i'm wrong lol.
I still think sometimes what aspects of my life are influcend by OCD apart from the rituals etc. Why am i thinking this etc. I have thouht in the past why i am with certain friends. Am i friends with them cos i can't find anyone else?, am i as close to them as i would want to be? etc.
On the plus side my rituals seem to be under control the past few years but the thoughts and anxiety are still there

[poolechris]

hey,
i like your name smile.
of course i can relate to how you feel, who could not in this forum?
actually what i wanted to say is that i see something in your post you might not see.
you are making efforts to get better, to change your situation, but you are not reaping the benefits YET. as long as you are patient and gentle with yourself and go at a pace that suits you, things MUST change. simply because it is natural law. you will get out what you put in. unfortunately these things take time, and that is something we are not used to in our culture. and believe me, i am struggling with this one, so thanks for reminding me to take it easy.
good luck!

[shield]

You need to spend more time around strangers. You need to start doing somthing social everyday so you start desensitising your fears. How old are you btw?

[smile]

I am 22. Its hard spending time with strangers. I wouldnt know what to do. Problem is I dont have much motivation to do anything. I play football with other people with mental health issues, but I dont really talk with them. I think its because they are all men and they are all older than me, also I am the only girl. I also meet people at the therapeutic community, although I dont have much to say and not much to ask. I just feel inadequate with socialising. I am much better at writing what I want to say. Maybe thats why I spend so much time on the internet.

[i_like_mittens]

I'm in pretty much the same situation as you.. I've barely done anything or worked in the past 4 years.. and the thought that I'm wasting my life away makes me totally freak out!

So, I know how hard it is. I've managed to get out of my shell and feel better in the past and it was tough, but worth it. It's getting started that's the hardest part really.. What helped me at the beginning was to force myself to go out everyday.. even if it's just for shopping, going to a café or going to the cinema. It doesn't have to involve talking to people, but just getting used to being around people on a regular basis is good enough at the start. If you can't think of anything you want to do, just go for walks. So long as you don't stay in.

[tituscrow]

Hi smile, I know how you feel, as do lots here I think.
Change from the therapy will happen slowly, imperceptibly, just let it happen naturally. Dont push yourself, the CBT and group therapy should slowly lead to you wanting to be more social, at which point you can try things like voluntary work.
I didnt think I could change, thought Id always be in the same sad rut living with my parents but over time I changed, and now I live in my own place, enjoy my job (usually!) and can at least chat to people.

[david mckenna]

Originally Posted by smile

I am getting extremely lonely. I was diagnosed as having social anxiety by my private therapist over a year ago, although there have been thoughts that it could be avoident personality disorder.
In 4 years I have only worked for 4 months. Last time was for 6 days and that was a year ago. I am very scared about working because I fear doing something wrong in front of someone and then maybe being told off. Having someone not like me.
In the whole of last year I only met up with 2 friends twice each. The only interaction I get is by posting messages online in forums. However when I dont get a reply I start to think it is because people dont like me or I said something wrong. I have just started therapy at a therapeutic community and I am struggling to talk in group therapy because I am scared someone will judge me and I will be seen different or they dont like me because of what I say. When something is asked the words are at the back of my throat. but they wont come out. I am getting very frustrated by it all. I feel inadequate, feel like I have nothing good to say, think there will be silences if I meet friends etc. I am just feeling very lonely, especially in the evenings. I dont know what to do to change things.

my advise to you would be to read :

overcoming social anxiety and shyness by gillian butler

this book really helps u to understand social anxiety and im sure that by reading it you will realize that so many people have the same fears as you i.e being scared of people judging u , not replying to ur messages etc...

you are not alone, lots of us suffer the same fears as u and it is just a result of SA.

that book will give u a lot of knowledge but for actual result in regards to overcoming ur problem instead of just understand it i wud suggest ''conquering social anxiety''


*Edited to remove link*

[pawel]

Hi Smile
How do you feel last time?