Do you find self-help stuff overwhelming?

[Sunrise]

I do. It's too much to take in. All I end up thinking is "****, I've got a lot more problems than I realise.

I end up feeling very disheartening because I feel like these books are telling me that everyone sees me as a total loser and I've got a lot of very serious problems. I feel like I'm told all my problems are down to laziness, all this "you have the power to change". Well I'm already trying the best I can but that obviously isn't good enough.

A lot of it seems aimed more at mentally healthy people who want to be more aspirational, whereas I don't feel like I'm at that stage. It all seems a bit too advanced for me. I made the mistake of looking at some dating/relationship type self-help stuff earlier, and it's so deflating when you realise that I've clearly got additional problems that these books don't really cover and they're obviously aimed at people a lot higher functioning than I am.

I've never really come across anything I feel is aimed at someone like me. Just the whole way a lot of it is written, it's so aspirational and very "American". I just can't get inspired by it.

[Clumsy*]

I find "you have the power to change" is a toxic and simplicist message, so I'm just ignoring it.

For relationship, why don't you start working on your relationship with yourself? A long time ago, years ago, when I started trying to get better, I noticed I didn't even know who I was, what I liked or what I wanted.
When I started to be gentle and nice to myself, and built a feeling of my identity is when my superficial friendship with an old school friend became a real friendship.

It takes time. But it takes time for everyone, not only for you.

[Percy]

Originally Posted by Clumsy*

I find "you have the power to change" is a toxic and simplicist message, so I'm just ignoring it.

Why do you say toxic?

[Sunrise]

#WorkOnYourself: How self-improvement has become a toxic trend on TikTok

This describes it much better than I can. I really relate to the feeling of nothing ever being good enough. I feel like I'm constantly encouraged to feel that way. I feel like I'm a very flawed person and no matter how hard I try it's still not good enough. There's definitely a very competitive element to it, I feel like I need to compare myself to others all the time.

"Work on yourself" is my most hated phrase I think. I'm obsessed with working on myself. I spend all day every day obsessing over the things I feel I need to change and how I should go about changing them, and then getting upset because I don't feel like I'm achieving any of these goals.

I'm obsessed with the idea of self-improvement to the extent that I feel nothing about me is good enough and I need to change everything. And all I get is frustrated and upset because none of it is a realistic goal,I want to achieve the impossible.

[Merry]

Originally Posted by Percy

Why do you say toxic?

It's possibly the notion that if you have the power to change things for yourself, then if you don't, it's your own fault, which is toxic?
Soo...
If for example you struggle with life because of trauma and abuse....is that then your own fault for not overcoming it and overcoming your problems?

Or maybe if you have a neurodivergence, should it be that you have to change to get more out of life because society is set up in a certain way?

It just seems like, as Clumsy said, too simplistic. It's good to be proactive but there's lots of things to consider about how we are where we are, we aren't in control of everything.

[Percy]

Fair point. I agree that it's too simplistic.

[Percy]

I'm a fan of self help but I'm not blind to the potential cons and difficulties of them.