Having self belief when no one else believes in you

[Sunrise]

A lot of people tell me I lack confidence and self-esteem, but I think that's complete rubbish. I have tons of self-belief, it's just that nobody else believes in me. The fact people think I lack self-esteem just proves that really. I'm trying my best but I'm still being told I'm pathetic.

My self-belief is what keeps me going. I'm obsessed with trying to prove everyone else wrong. Every day feels like it's me versus the world. I'm called pathetic and a no-hoper and all those sorts of names, but I'm still out there fighting. So how is that a lack of self-belief? I haven't given up at all.

I don't have much in the way of talents, skills or abilities, but that's not low self-esteem, that's just good self-awareness. I have a lot of serious limitations compared to a lot of people, but I'm not letting it hold me back. I'm still out there every day trying the best I can.

It doesn't win me any friends. It doesn't win me any respect. I'm still called pathetic. But how is it pathetic? I'm sorry if I can't be some "average Joe", but considering the hand I've been dealt I feel like I'm trying my best. Why am I a failure? That's what I don't understand. I feel like people expect too much of me. I can't offer them what they want.

I think I just want to gain some sort of inner peace. I just want the acknowledgement that I'm trying my best. I might not be one of life's achievers, but why should that make me a failure?

[gregarious_introvert]

It doesn't make you a failure. You say that you don't have a lack of self-belief, but it seems to affect you that others see you as "pathetic" or a "no-hoper"; if you truly had self-belief, their opinions wouldn't matter - and they shouldn't.

You say that you're obsessed with proving everyone else wrong and that it's you versus the world; why not be obsessed with proving yourself right and damn the world? The only person to whom you have to prove anything is yourself. Live your life and if you know that you're doing the best you can, then you have met the expectations of the only person who matters.

[Sunrise]

But there are lots of things in life that involve having to prove yourself to others. Education, employment, dating and relationships. They're all major things where having to impress others plays a pretty big part.

Isn't it normal to listen to the opinions of friends and take on board what they have to say? The opinions of friends is what's supposed to matter, they're the people who are supposed to know you best and you're supposed to listen too.

My "screw everyone" attitude has just resulted in me becoming very bitter and feeling like other aren't worth it. I just think what's the point in trying meet new people or anything if all they're going to do is criticise. I don't think that's a good way to think. It does matter what other people think of you. It would be anarchy if everyone suddenly decided it didn't and did what they wanted regardless of what other people think.

The whole self-help industry is based around the basic need to impress others when it boils down to it. All of it teaches that to lead a happy life you need to be a healthy, functional person who is attractive to others.

Maybe some people are lucky enough to be able to impress others through just being themselves, but for others it involves a real concerted effort. I have to work very hard at being "normal". I'm not naturally likeable, for me it involves serious hard work and it's very mentally draining.

Adopting a "damn the world" attitude involves me living a very lonely, solitary existence. I thought that was generally seen as very bad thing anyway? I tend to associate it with MGTOW types, and I hate being lumped in with that lot.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I don't really know about listening to the opinions of friends, as I don't have any. I don't know anything about the self-help industry either - the only advice I've ever had came from this forum, mostly from people who are no longer present (Ajax_Amsterdam and black_mamba, where are you now?). As for dating and relationships, if I felt that I had to prove myself to someone, then that wouldn't be the right person for me; of course, you want to give a good impression, but a good impression of yourself, not of somebody you think you need to be - because in doing that, you are creating a persona which you then have to maintain throughout the relationship.

Nobody is suggesting a "screw everyone" attitude, nor that the feelings and rights of others should be ignored - simply treat others in the way that you would like to be treated yourself (they should put something in the Bible about that!); we do have laws in place so doing what you want has limits, so it's hardly anarchy. There is a big difference between creating your own path and MGTOW, you can disregard the opinions of men and women equally!

Maybe I worded my post badly, especially "damn the world"; I didn't mean that you should disregard others entirely, or set out deliberately to hurt people (every one of us has hurt people without meaning to do so, that's just part of living within a human society), but just disregard those opinions which are so severely damaging your ability to live the life you want. Some of us, myself included, cannot be "normal" (whatever that is, because it means something different to every single person on this planet) and shouldn't try to be; as I've said already, we should all do our best not to bring harm to others, but as long as we do that, we are free to be whatever we want to be. Just because people are around you doesn't make them your friends, especially if they know that how they treat you impacts so negatively on you and yet they continue to do it. Perhaps finding new friends, better friends who can be more constructive, is the way forward? I've seen people with obvious outward signs of limiting conditions who are surrounded by people trying to help them - locally, there is a man with Tourette's who has involuntary movements which might hurt others, but is always accompanied by friends who do their best to prevent him from doing so - that's friendship, people who try to make your life better despite the adversity, rather than making you feel worse about yourself by ridiculing you and exacerbating your issues.

[Dougella]

Who is calling you pathetic?

[biscuits]

I don't even know how to develop self-belief. Most people have a little bit but it's natural to be worried and unsure. I don't really know anyone who exudes self-belief. I think it's more about recognising things could go to shit but having things in place to keep going with it all. Sometimes even a a well meaning support network can hold you back by reinforcing anxieties etc.

It's tricky to know the correct answer to give as we can only go off our lives and experiences which are all varied. maybe this is something to explore with a professional?

I do know what it feels like to have people say you won't be able to do things because of SA, but that sort of puts a fire under me to do it. Sometimes people not believing in you (whilst not being very nice) is quite a powerful catalyst.

[Merry]

I don't like critical people. I don't like people who sneer, mock or judge other people.
There are millions of people who love sneering and mocking others, it's pretty common behaviour. It might be more prevalent in certain cultures or environments, I'm not sure?
But I can't be arsed with it.
There are people in the world who are interesting and funny and kind and worth being around who are happy to co-exist with other people without competing with everyone, sneering at others, criticising others or mocking others.
Rather than a "f everyone attitude", why not try an "f people who are horrible to other people attitude"? and try and meet some people who don't criticise all the time?
Sneering, critical people might make some people laugh, if they're similarly minded, at the expense of someone else, or help two snide people bond, but they're always holding themselves above other people so are bound to be difficult to connect with in any genuine way.

[anxiouslondoner]

Sounds like you live in a toxic environment Sunrise if people are so critical and unaccepting of you.

[choirgirl]

This isn't advice, but I've got to the stage where I'm choosing to listen more to myself and less to others, and any self-help that has a scolding quality is a turn-off at this time. If people only want to respect/like people that are enlightened according to their own definition, or actively engaged in self-improvement, or achieving a lot, that's fine. So be it. I won't think, oh dear, I must be different to be worthy, I must tie myself in knots again. No. It isn't helpful to me at this time.
That said, I am lucky to never have been continually surrounded by the negativity you describe, so it's probably easier for me to say that. I've also never cared that much about proving people wrong, that's not one of my quirks. I have many others. I think it's natural to look for feedback from others around us about, am I doing okay as a human? So if they keep signalling no, then that is going to be hard. Maybe you need to find where you belong. Maybe you can decide to respect yourself somehow and not let others tell you're wrong for doing so. The world is built for normals, so it can instill more doubt in a person who isn't so normal.