|
|
#2
2nd October 2020, 16:02
|
|||
|
|||
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
This is a very good question and I think that the (somewhat over-simplified) answer is to live according to your values and beliefs and not to allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise; if we are true to ourselves, then we have every reason to respect, value and like ourselves.
I think that one of the main issues which leads us away from being true to ourselves is peer pressure and the desire to "fit in"; sometimes, those around us will want us to do things which don't comply with our core values and often the desire to be valued by those people can outweigh the desire to be valued by ourselves. In retrospect, I've been lucky in that spending so much of my life in isolation has allowed me to examine my value system and lead a life which is congruent with those values, in the absence of peer pressure. I know that there are many people who relate their self-worth to their career and lack that element because they feel that they have under-achieved; in that instance, being able to respect one's self for the way in which one does the job at hand can help. Personally, I was never able to fulfil the potential that my abilities and education suggested that I had, but despite my life being a series of short-lived, mostly menial jobs, I can say that everything I did, I gave 100% effort and did to the best of my abilities, often better than others (this was also something which caused me to lose jobs, since others didn't appreciate my "showing them up" by achieving more than they were willing or able to do - but that's another story); if you don't like what you do, you can always like the way that you do it! Since I have not been working, I have had to find other ways to value myself, which is why I try to find ways to provide opportunities for others who share my difficulties in socialising, through meetup, SAUK meets etc. One thing which, for me personally, was always an issue was perfectionism: I would set myself impossibly high standards because anything less than perfection was not good enough. I was still able to find some value in my efforts to reach those standards, knowing that I had done all I good, but it was only when I was able to appreciate that perfection is - in most areas of life - impossible that I was able not only to value myself, but relax (a little, I'm still not great at relaxing) and enjoy life. In summary: life your own life, don't succumb to peer pressure, be realistic about what you can achieve and don't be too hard on yourself when you fall short (but give everything your best effort) - remember that the only failure is the failure to try. 
|
|
#3
2nd October 2020, 16:42
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Yeah, I think maybe it is about having some form of acceptance of what happens in life and self acceptance. Realising you can't control how other people feel. This makes sense but is so hard to actually act on.
I don't think healthy perfectionism is bad when it comes to doing a craft, as long as it doesn't interfere with your mental health. I feel I am getting back into art or similar crafty stuff, however I have to accept my abilities but also know on strength I have is attention to detail or doing things to, what I find, a high standard of my abilities. I feel recent situations have made me think of this question.
|
|
#4
5th October 2020, 06:03
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
That is an excellent post OP. I tell myself similar things when I'm feeling good, but still struggle with self-acceptance.
Its a lot easier to accept yourself when other people do too Last edited by Canned tuna; 5th October 2020 at 06:04. Reason: needed to
|
|
#5
5th October 2020, 08:55
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
I am not discounting the importance of external validation - we could have all the self-validation / self-respect / self-acceptance possible, but if it isn't, to some degree, recognised by others, it will diminish; in this respect, it is always good to remember that we won't find that validation in everyone and we should make efforts to seek out those more likely to appreciate what we have to offer (as a very poor example, if you are good at trivia, you would find more validation being part of a quiz team than dropping random facts into a conversation). @imperfect_perfectionist: I love the term "healthy perfectionism"! Of course, we should strive to do our best and always look to improve, but it can be so hard to judge when healthy perfectionism becomes unhealthy and obstructive; we are (especially those of us with anxiety issues) our own worst critics and given that perfection is pretty much impossible, we have to be able to decide when something is "good enough". I think that perfectionism is something which restricts a lot of us - that feeling that what we do or say isn't good enough because others do it better - it's certainly something which blighted my life for many years (and one reason why I have never asked another person for a date, because I felt that whatever I said wasn't right, when most people get away with a simple "Would you like to go for a drink sometime?"); I have started writing so many books, poems and song lyrics which nobody has ever seen because they didn't meet my own standards, but which were probably good enough if I had had the confidence to let them go. I have heard bands talk about releasing albums (yes, I know, I'm showing my age - they were on vinyl too, before cassettes and CDs) and how they considered them finished at the point of release, but then as they toured and played the songs live, they were seeing the flaws - but many of those "flawed" songs have become classics and sometimes it is the little imperfections which make things stand out (now I sound like that match.com advertisement - although I do agree with the sentiment which it expressed). It's all a matter of balance really - there is no problem with striving for perfection, as long as we can recognise that we won't quite achieve it.
|
|
#6
5th October 2020, 16:20
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Valuing yourself too highly is in itself a problem. In fact, people with massive egos, who think they are the centre of the universe and deserve to be rich and famous, often wind up miserable and dissatisfied. Life never meets their expectations, and they always feel they deserve better (a more attractive partner, a better job, a bigger house, etc).
There is a difference between not thinking you matter much (which none of us do) and self-loathing. The key is to like yourself but recognise that you are an insignificant speck of dust, like every other living thing.
|
|
#7
5th October 2020, 20:44
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
I guess one way would be to determine the truth for yourself, what is it you value in people? Well you have the power to take on the traits of those you value to some extent, and then if someone says you have no value, well that is simply an opinion, and one that is likely wrong anyway. I guess we just have to think about the opinion they have of you and ask yourself if it has any merit (as far as your understanding of what a persons 'value' is), in a rational kind of way, if it does then consider thinking of ways to improve, otherwise just don't allow it to influence you. A persons word or feeling isn't enough to make something true, you can look at things more like a scientist, and try to get at the truth in a rational and unbiased way, because there is nothing more accurate. People can change, they are not fixed anyway.
I believe we all have the capability to be of value, it's just we need to figure out how. Also, life can just be enjoyed without worrying about these things, sometimes you just need to find good people.
|
|
#8
5th October 2020, 22:17
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Its a very complex question for me but I agree with a lot of what gregarious introvert put in theory. I do think there are huge factors that makes a big difference to how what gregarious introvert put plays out in reality.
I think family support and comfortableness in your familys standing or opinion who is giving you that support makes a big difference. I guess you could consider that external too. The same goes for friends as well, if you are having your character or judgement questioned then having support in such a way makes a huge difference to the impact or notice paid to it. I dont think self love is so much of the issue. I think its a very cliche phrase which doesnt take into account the complexity of what gives people character, direction and self esteem. There is so much narcissism around where people are fighting to so called self love. But the most important thing I think is having a goal or purpose which will overide a lot of distraction from negative external sources. Whether that goal is realistic or the grass is greener is another thing altogether. In short ill give an example and again its simplistic but it kind of sums up how I feel about these types of questions. I read a thing about Justin Timberlake who used to get bullied a lot about being into drama. Fairly badly bullied too like shoved in the locker type of thing. Well look at him now? I doubt he gives a toss about those people and is doing something he enjoys and im sure he has no shortage of people who support him. I think external validation or some love is needed and wanted by all of us. It just unfortunately doesnt always come easily for all of us. Its filled in with lots of fake love or negativity towards others. Elon Musk is another example of someone who was bullied in his younger life. I am presuming these people had something to grab onto that is far bigger and more important than some haters trying to bring them down and thats what gets them through.
|
|
#9
5th October 2020, 22:27
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
I think role models who preach things like just look after number one or bully not be bullied etc. Although it has some merit in context and I understand the thinking. It can create monsters too which influence others.
|
|
#10
6th October 2020, 00:32
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
|
|
#11
6th October 2020, 00:35
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
|
|
#12
6th October 2020, 00:57
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
With me I find more awareness of disorders, and questioning certain things society say is wrong helps me. I recently started going gym again, I hope I stick to it, I feel more mentally prepared than in the past though. I find the gym helps me with my own approval. I think it's cause i am doing something good for myself and, in a way, depending less on others. Also cause I am doing something for myself, I guess it makes others view a bit less strong.
|
|
#13
6th October 2020, 01:48
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
Quote:
But I do think there is a huge frustration, maybe bitterness, maybe sadness when you do feel undervalued by others. In particular if the criteria for it seems to be unfair or wrong. I think if criticism is combined with it for the same reasons then its even more disheartening. Another cliche is about not having enough hugs as a kid but I think there is some psychological research for that and my mother wasnt very affectionate in that way. Also life can be very scary and insecure and I dont think there are many people who cope well at all when they have a witch hunt against them or lots of hate. You see many sports people who lose a lot of confidence when the public turns on them and you see many people who have public scandals against them who come under extreme mental stress. So there is definitely something to it why so many people do thrive or seek external approval.
|
|
#14
6th October 2020, 08:21
|
|||
|
|||
|
Re: How do you value yourself if others don't value you
From my recent psychology lesson prolonged stress is actually quite lethal as it turns some of our glands that are responsible for secreting certain hormones off. If a kid grows up in an environment where there is long term stress this can actually stunt their growth.
I find that genuine shows of approval in real life, which is quite rare for me, calms me down and makes me slow down as well so I’m chilled and more confident.
|
