I don't understand myself

[Marie8]

I dont understand why I am like this and it is getting too much. Some days I can hardly do anything, even doing the washing up is such a chore. Or cooking meals, I buy ingredients with plans to cook but then I cant be bothered and end up eating something like super noodles or a ready meal. I enjoy reading, drawing and have an interest in history but I just feel unable to do anything. Sometimes I'll stay in bed most of the day doing nothing, or googling anxiety related stuff. I dont want to be like this, bit I dont know how to stop it. I sometimes get this really overwhelming feeling of annoyance when seeing my family because they are happy or just talking about every day stuff and I want to scream. I want them to be happy of course but I feel jealous and upset that I cant be like them so I then get really irritated by them and feel really guilty for thinking negatively about that. This often then leads to intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I am able to put on an act and pretend I'm fine but it gets so tiring and I cant keep it up. I dont understand what's wrong with me. Can anyone relate?

[Moksha]

I’m sure everyone can relate Marie. It sounds to me like low level depression. The feeling that you can’t be bothered, even with things you enjoy, is a classic symptom. Staying in bed all day is another.

[blancmange]

I can really relate to this Marie, and I'm sure a lot of others here do as well. I spent yesterday pretty much all day in bed and have lost any enjoyment from things I used to enjoy too. Even simply talking to people. I then feel really bad and guilty for being this way, but it's so hard to get out of a depressive funk, so really we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. A lot easier said than done, I know.

[Mellie]

I can relate to this. Makes me feel worse being around happy people. sounds like you are struggling with depression, are you on anti depressants?

[Utopia]

Well I think I understand what you mean, and there are many others like you, and I understand the depressive symptoms perfectly, but I don't personally envy other people - as disappointed in myself as I am.

There isn't a 'normal' conversation really, the normal conversation is dependent on what's happening, if the house is burning down, then the normal conversation would change; it depends who you are talking to also. An important point is to try not to bring others down to your level, but instead try to lift yourself up to where are able to have a 'normal' conversation with them because it just makes the whole a lot better, it's not all about you - or me, or any one individual and so its better to have the confidence to lift ourselves up. I can honestly say that I don't really envy that much, but your average person is so much further ahead than me... I think it helps being aware that there are people worse off, people better off and a lot of it is just down to chance - so it helps to understand and be honest about the reasons for things. Most of all self-belief is key, I don't care what drives you but try to better yourself because you never know what might happen.

Yes I agree you sound like you have depressive symptoms, which I know all too well, so you should try antidepressants to see if they help you regain interest in things and find the motivation to do stuff... I get that part of it perfectly well.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

I get these feelings a lot apart from the one about being jealous of others. I agree with utopia on that and Ive had it many times myself where people have hated on me or tried to undermine me with no good reason. And after trying to think where the person has come from it seems usually something incredibly petty or even jealousy behind it.

I dont want to be that person myself and it doesnt make me feel any pride or better my situation by doing it. That said there are obviously sometimes where I can understand why some people resent others perceived happiness if they are considered a someone who hasnt played by the rules themself. Have trod over others for their goals etc.

I think it all depends on your circumstances whether its a depression problem out of the ordinary. Somethings in life are going to be depressing or not for you. I think its a terrible shame that people who arent displaying extroverted almost narcissistic or overly enthusiastic qualities are preyed upon and rejected so readily in society. And I think thats why so many anti depressants are handed out each year.

[GentleGuy]

Hi. Yes it sounds like depression, and by the sounds of it you've had a lot to cope with. Give yourself credit, and try not to beat yourself up if you don't get things done, but to give yourself credit for how you feel and what you are going through,and know that it's okay.

What is your favourite era of history?

Paul

[Laurel]

I sometimes put in a bit of extra effort to prep a meal. But insta-meals are tempting, i try do 4 insta meals a week and 3 prep.
Socials can be good as lubricant for motivation. But can be hard to find especially at the moment. I go a local anxiety group and that can.be helpful.

[Marie8]

Thanks for your replies. I am about to start antidepressants which my gp prescribed me last week after a phone appointment. I can't remember the name and I haven't collected them from the chemist yet. I think you're right, I think it is depression. I just feel angry that I'm like this and want to be more positive and be able to spend time with my family without being stuck in my thoughts all the time. My interactions are never natural for this reason and I find it hard to have conversations, even asking questions like 'what you having for tea' I find it hard and often have to force myself, like I'm talking through gritted teeth. I just don't understand it. I hope the medication will help and I am able to do the things I enjoy. I started listening to an audio book last night.. I'm hoping I can listen to a chapter each night before bed to help me relax. I'm most interested in ancient and medieval history, although I'm not all that knowledgable, my memory is really poor and has been for years, I'm sure it's down to my stress and anxiety. Hopefully the medication will help. I'll try and pick it up tomorrow.