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  #61  
Old 9th January 2011, 23:39
xTKsaucex xTKsaucex is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

It is a well known fact that Robert Barone from Everyone loves Raymond is a close evolutionary link of Nicolas Cage.

WW2 started as a result of a chess game gone horribly wrong.

Itchy bum at night equals smelly finger in the morning.,

Computers were originally a way for governments worldwide to keep a tabs on their given citizens. The idea conceived by the UN during the late 80's resulted in Computers being built with in built camera's and microphones which recorded the activities of all humans using computers and were watched and monitored by a company in Geneva that recruited possibly the largest number of employees at the time and peaked in 2003. However, the idea was terminated a year later after employees left they're jobs in the thousands. The main reason, besides a number of ethical problems, was the amount of time each employee had to be forced to watch men jacking off during the course of the day. One account said "I had to watch this fat bastard go at it at least 20 times daily that he usually ran out of tissues and had to wipe it off into a cup which he left on the desk for weeks on end."
The second reason was also due to the problem of masturbation. A number of employees were found in their booths similarly being enticed by what they were viewing that they too felt the need to jack off which was strictly against company policy.
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  #62  
Old 10th January 2011, 17:29
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was filling in for my cousin this one time because he had a dose of that Dengue Fever and he couldn't do his round on the dustcart. Anyway, I was emptying this one bin and there was a teabag stuck to the bottom so I started banging on the bin to try and dislodge it. Next thing, the guy whose house it was came out and it was Phil Collins off of Genesis and he said that the banging I was doing was better than anything he'd heard in his life and he asked if I'd go on tour with Genesis and be in charge of all their drumming but I said I couldn't because I had to go and pick up this bit of rubbish that was blowing away. It was a Findus Crispy Pancake box.
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  #63  
Old 10th January 2011, 20:32
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Etymologically speaking, the noun Tory is derived from the word Con-serva-tory.
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  #64  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:03
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Toothpaste contains ingredients which cause tooth decay in order to keep dentists in business.
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  #65  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:29
Grogoch Grogoch is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

If you inject a beetroot with 15ml of ginger beer and methamphetamine, mixed at a temerature of 14 degrees, it will sing for you. With fondness in its tiny voice, for you -The fondness can be tailored just for you.
Pre-injected beetroots available at www.kukri-vegetables.com
Reared with organic tenderness.
Soprano and bass strains so far. Very adept at singing dirges, and crunk.
Perfect for curing mental illness.
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  #66  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:30
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

This one time, I was helping out my uncle with his painting and decorating stuff he does because he'd torn a ligament in his shoulder when he was getting a tin of beans off the top shelf in his kitchen cupboard, so he couldn't reach up to do any high-up painting. Anyway, I was on top of the step ladder balancing on one foot while stretching over to paint the coving when the dog belonging to the man who owned the house we were painting came running in and knocked the ladder from under me, big dog it was. I was going to hit the floor head first so I quickly did a somersault in mid-air just as the guy whose house it was came in and I and landed on my feet. Turns out the guy who owned the house was Jackie Chan and he said that that falling off the ladder I did was the best falling he'd ever seen in his life and he asked me to come to Hollywood and be in charge of all his stunts in the movies he does, but I said I couldn't because I had to get to B&Q before it shuts to pick up a tin of paint. It was magnolia vinyl silk.
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  #67  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:48
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

In 1996, I was briefly married to the actress June Whitfield.
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  #68  
Old 11th January 2011, 10:46
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by kukri
If you inject a beetroot with 15ml of ginger beer and methamphetamine, mixed at a temerature of 14 degrees, it will sing for you. With fondness in its tiny voice, for you -The fondness can be tailored just for you.
Pre-injected beetroots available at www.kukri-vegetables.com
Reared with organic tenderness.
Soprano and bass strains so far. Very adept at singing dirges, and crunk.
Perfect for curing mental illness.

i had one of your singing beetroots with hummus last night, i can still hear it chanting in my depths
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  #69  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:08
marki marki is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The role of Ken Barlow in Coronation Street has in fact been played by Sean Connery for 50 years. Next Year Jodie Foster will take over the role.
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  #70  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:29
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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surveys suggest that at any one time, at least 50% of the worlds population are thinking quite hard about the word "trout". unfortunately due to information processing complications in the human brain, scientists have been unable to study this tendency. Dr. Tres Matters claims "the problem isn't that scientits are too stupid, its to do with how we think of trout. the path that trout takes through the canals of the ear or the vessels of the eye is easy enough to follow, but the problems begin once the concept hits the hypothalamus. many cells there are associated with kookiness. irritating as that is, once the trout gets there it seems to be divided in a complex manner subject to factors such as proximity to a banana peel, university education, and early exposure to the clangers. the only hope of eliminating the tendency to waste time on trout is to spend decades studying this behaviour in the lower mammals, such as over 500 breeds of rodents, and children."


dogs also meditate with above average intensity on this word, although some canine biologists assert that it may mean different things to different dogs. Dr Mike Alsatian once famously claimed that the meaning of trout is a universal, bred-in concept for all dogs, "like din dins". Many mutt-fancying boffins are reticent to back such claims after the controversy surrounding Professor Pat Bastard. In 1981 the wetnosed professor claimed to have found the word "walkies" encoded in a rottweiler's DNA, but it later transpired that he had put it there himself by looking down the wrong end of his microscope. Some biologists, who specialise in professors and old people, believe he may have forgotten he put it there - an innocent mistake.

professor bastard has spent the twilight years of his career programming labradors to remember things for old people, while trying to rediscover the lost password for his desktop, which he left in a spaniel in 1997, a puzzle he has taken to with good humour. speaking from his top secret laboratory, the professor said, "my wife is never done complaining about the amount of spaniels i chop up so i can check my emails. i cant remember where i left that spaniel, but like any dog lover, i'm just happy as long as i still have a lead to follow."
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  #71  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:32
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by NRG.89
many storks went out of business when sex education was first introduced into the curriculum in 1983. The RSPB has since campaigned for the retraining of the stork workforce, to no avail.

many storks are seeking legal advice over their role in selling margerine. the first margerine was made by boiling old babies, but a logo based on this was deemed to have cannibalistic overtones, so the more subtle, stork-based approach was taken.
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  #72  
Old 11th January 2011, 18:23
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange's real surname is actually Flange, however he changed it in 2003 to make himself sound more sophisticated.
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  #73  
Old 11th January 2011, 19:27
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The Electric Tobacconist Company has gone bankrupt due to the smoking ban.

Tomorrow, Allied Carpets will NOT be having a sale.
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  #74  
Old 11th January 2011, 23:19
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Fish developed fins in the early 20th century as a response to our insatiable appetite for fish fingers. There are now no fish with fingers left in the world's oceans today. Not even octopuses, which aren't even proper fish anyway.
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  #75  
Old 12th January 2011, 00:15
Mortigantoj Mortigantoj is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I fought the law ...and... the law won!
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  #76  
Old 12th January 2011, 19:56
Effervescing Elephant Effervescing Elephant is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was the fifth Teletubby. I left the group before they got famous. There were creative differences. And a restraining order.

My character was called Slash. The costume was all black, with glowing red eyes. His favourite thing was a meat cleaver.

Slash was always the naughty one. I tried to make him different, rebellious. A sort of James Dean figure for the under fives.

Sadly, today's pre-schoolers just want bland conformity.
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  #77  
Old 12th January 2011, 20:42
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The well known game 'Jenga' was actually invented after a convoy of visiting tourists spotted the pile of spoons in my draining rack and the subsequent delicate operation every day to remove one without tipping them over.
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  #78  
Old 12th January 2011, 21:13
Boc11 Boc11 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

****, the landlord is visiting; must hide the evidence.

Now I know why Bradley wanted to borrow the tape measure.
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  #79  
Old 13th January 2011, 02:32
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

An amazing discovery by NASA scientists has concluded that if enough humble British Polo sweets were taken to the Moon, the air from the collective holes would create a breathable atmosphere, which would enable a party of seven to ten people to live on the lunar surface for around eight years. NASA spokesman Ivor Largeburger explained: "We discovered this phenomenon after conducting many experiments involving dropping various quantities of Polo sweets into tropical fish tanks. We found that the fish were able to exist for several weeks without the aid of the usual electric air pump." When asked whether it mattered if the Polos were mint or fruit flavoured, Mr. Largeburger explained: "It is irrelevant whether the polos are mint of fruit flavoured, it is the holes in the Polos that do the work. Even the sugar-free variety work." Mr. Largeburger continued: "We are currently developing a huge Polo transportation module, which will be capable of carrying many thousands of packets to the Moon, and we are collaborating with Nestlé who manufacture the famous British Polo sweets."

Nestlé spokeswoman Penny Lolly said: "This is very exciting news for our company, and we are confident that we can meet demand." Mrs. Lolly joked: "Although I do eat Polos, I don't wish to go to the Moon myself!" President Barak Obama remarked: "This is an incredible discovery, although, I do not eat Polos myself because I prefer Tic Tacs."
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  #80  
Old 14th January 2011, 00:41
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

As you are no doubt aware, the first toilets were little more than seats mounted over open gulleys which carried our effluent to the nearest river or pond. Over time it was noted that the more inquisitive water fowl tended to swim up these channels in search of food and, in so doing, would keep the system free of blockages. Homeowners began to encourage the birds to swim up and down the sewerage system by dropping breadcrumbs and the like down the shithole and that's how the Toilet Duck came to be.
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  #81  
Old 14th January 2011, 22:38
Winnie57 Winnie57 is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

^


I feed live sprats to my cat every Tuesday as a special treat. I breed them in a large tank in my bedroom and I employ a woman to keep the tank clean because I can't be bothered. I pay her in Monopoly money but she doesn't mind as Monopoly is her favourite game.
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  #82  
Old 14th January 2011, 23:32
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Arthritis was discivered by Arthur Itis, while his brother Dermot discoverd dermatitis. His cousin Ryan was, of course, the discoverer of Rhinitis.
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  #83  
Old 15th January 2011, 00:27
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The comedian "John Bishop" is actually wanted Serbian war criminal Slavoljub Bajkovi***263;.
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  #84  
Old 15th January 2011, 01:32
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Michael Jackson once came into my paintshop and asked me to powder coat some wheel trims for him.
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  #85  
Old 15th January 2011, 02:08
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoulSeeker
Michael Jackson once came into my paintshop and asked me to powder coat some wheel trims for him.
...are you sure you didn't powder coat his face in white?
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  #86  
Old 15th January 2011, 23:08
SoulSeeker SoulSeeker is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poltergeist
...are you sure you didn't powder coat his face in white?
Lol aye I think he was inspecting his trims when I was actually in the process of powdering them matt white..I accidently powdered his face and then accidently pushed him in the oven..then accidently stoved him..all by accident of course
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  #87  
Old 15th January 2011, 23:45
Caribou Caribou is offline
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  #88  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:05
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

last night i wrapped my christmas lights into a pentagram configuration, placed them on a copper ornamental dish full of milk and LEDs, and put it in the microwave. i then put the microwave in my oven, filling the remaining spaces around it with cans of lynx africa. i waited til my oven was heated to precisely 66.6 degrees and switched the microwave on at 66.6% of full power. the microwave pinged but somehow it was different from usual - the same, but more evil. all my appliances swiftly clouded into a hellish nightmare - the last thing i remember was a cobalt-skinned leprechoid form handing me a pencil shaped like a raspberry ice cream cone. i woke with my hand saturated with melted ice cream, and i had written a number on the linoleum. when i entered it on google an image of chuck norris was the only search result. however, when i typed the number into my landline (389 digits long! O_O), light came out the mouth piece. when i shone it on the wall, it turned out to be a projection of the planet jupiter. when i looked through my neighbours telescope at jupiter, it turned out the image coming out the phone was LIVE!

the most amazing bit is that my phone got cut off three days ago
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  #89  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:11
Mortigantoj Mortigantoj is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seth Brundle
I woke with my hand saturated with melted ice cream
That sounds so wrong
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  #90  
Old 16th January 2011, 01:54
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The human testes, when exposed to a pressures of at least twice atmospheric pressure will spontaneously ejaculate their entire contents with terminal velocities reaching around 120 mph. The spermatozoa will however be rendered infertile to all compatible mamillian species (except for baboons) by the tremendous forces generated upon their nucleolus.
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