Trying to cut someone out of your life

[Dandelion10]

So I got into a bit of an argument with my brother today.

He called me a 'spineless bitch'.

I always try speak to him but he never really appreciates my efforts, I say anything to engage a bit of conversation, I offer to cook or suggest things he could do, he's only 17 but he spends alot of time on his X-Box cussing and whooping with his friends on the live link.

His put downs are so final, so harsh and he believes that his reaction is justified 100%, there's no moderation.

So when he said it, it was with such bitter conviction that I thought, wow-maybe I really am a spineless bitch.

I want to cut him out of my life, I said I'm not speaking to him again and there's no-one on my side. It's really hard for me to think of him as 'nothing' but thats what I have to do to sever the ties. Even when he comes through the door I jump it's hard for me to regard anyone as worthless to me cos of the SA.

I know I'll forget this incident or later on-it won't matter but I don't want to let it slide. He never cares about me so I'm trying to not care about him but I don't really want to do that. Sometimes i feel sorry for him cos my parents never make time for him, they'll be sat chatting outside while he's watching football alone but then he'll say something and I'll think 'why the hell did I ever, ever feel sorry for you?' but then I think 'maybe he's like that because thats how we've raised him'.

It seems like hardening the heart is my only option cos I can't reason with him.

[AutumnLeaves]

Perhaps you should separate yourself from him for a while and see how it goes. I do understand that some people can have such a negative influence on you that it really is better to try not to be involved with them. My dad refused help and caused me so much agony that i simply had to cut off contact with him. My mum isn't horrible like him, but i found being in regular contact with her terribly difficult and we had to agree that i would take a step back and not be so involved any more. I think this will help our relationship in the long run. In fact, it already has. Even if you could try to take a psychological step back from your brother without doing anything drastic or final....

[pinkwafer]

He is young, but not that young. A five year old should have the sense to know calling people names causes hurt. Maybe you could talk to him? Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and hurtful?

[Dandelion10]

I think this will blow over, I might be being a bit oversensitive and I don't feel as bad at all now.

It hurts me more that he really does think I'm like that cos it was a considered response.

It's really quite difficult to deal with confrontations, you feel a burning anger in your chest but can't think of anything to say back and you don't really want to match their blue phrases cos it feels immature.

I won't dwell on it, I'm the eldest so I'll try make amends. Its probably just because it's the holidays and we're both at home together, it's bound to get tetchy.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[kingped]

Dandelion, I know how you feel and, I have to admit, I know how your bro feels, because when I was a teenager, I could be unpleasant, without regret.

The best thing for you to do is, I agree, distance yourself from your bro until he grows up. Hopefully, he will.

Being angry is natural but in the end pointless. I think it's good that you can see the other side and sympathise with him. That's the sign of true empathy. Everyone is a victim, even the nasty people. So, rather than being angry, just protect yourself by doing your own thing and minimising contact.

The bad thing to do is to flaunt your anger by a dramatic "cutting off" where you express your dislike towards him. This'll make him bitter. Just be blank - as if you're not angry - and try to be civil when you have to speak.

Hope things get better. I'm sure they will.

[Munkeh]

He's 17, angst and put downs are a speciality at that age. Try not to take it too personally. I said some truly horrible things at that age to my parents and my sister, he will grow out of it eventually.

[Johnni]

I reckon he will just grow out of it, hes not little but seems just immature.
Have you thought of moving out? Do you thinking living at home contributes to your SA or other problems you may have?
I live with my family also and i can say living with them makes me worse as each member shouts/bickers with each other and although i ignore it its a pain in the a**e to come home to it somedays. I want to move out now as before i did'nt think i can cope but now i think sod it as will probably feel better for doing it.
Also maybe as you wont see him each day your relationship might be better as he might not take you for granted now and might even miss you and treat you better maybe.

[hardy]

resist trying to advise him . Ignore the insults -thats just his insecurity. Be there for him but dont get used. He NEEDS somone who accepts him but doesn't preach. He''l test you and test you because he;'s learnt nonone cares for him. its an act.

[smog]

When I read your post it reminded me so much of my own situation... my younger brother used to bully me about the way I am - call me useless, pathetic, every name under the sun. He was a similar age to your brother at the time. We didn't speak for over a year as I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him if all he was going to do was make me feel worse.

Fast forward a few years and we are like the best of friends. My brother admits he knew exactly which buttons to press to upset me... and he also said that a lot of the time he would tease me because a) he was jealous (!!!) of my situation and felt that my parents let me get away with not doing anything (he was working full time at 16, at the same time I was a complete house hermit), and b) he wanted me to get my arse into gear. He thought his comments would make me get my act together in a twisted sort of way :rolleyes:

Sadly, I'm now in the same situation with my sisters. We live in the same house but we are strangers. Just be aware that if you are going to cut him out and you live under the same roof, it won't just be your relationship with him that's affected. All family situations become awkward and my mum said she often felt like she had to choose between me and my brother (we would not go anywhere together).

[Dandelion10]

Yeah thats quite similar to my situation Smog and I'm glad you've managed to resolve things with your family.

I blame myself a bit cos the SA has drained alot of my personality out over the years and made it easier to simply remain at home and while thats okay for his young age, at 25 I'm powerless to broaden his horizons (he often sings 'will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 65' at me about the fact I still live at home!).

I've suggested everything for him; bike rides, going to his mates, round town + cinema, even theme parks to try inspire him but all he wants to do is play his X-Box and he says I'm just making excuses to be alone but I'm not, as long as he's happy-I'm happy.

To move out I'd need secure employment in order to save and both employment AND getting a house are harder than they should be these days, infact it's probably easier to find a place to rent than it is to land a proper job.

So I don't know what I'm gonna do cos both those options depend on me 'getting better'.

I think it was really silly of me to say I'd cut him out of my life but another reason I blame myself is because my problems seem to demand more, especially of my mum and while my brother does get dad all to himself my brother still says that I cause all the arguments in the house.

I don't think I actually cause arguments because I would never do that (plus I always end up feeling v.upset and close to self harm after a row) but I know that he's right in the sense that my issues do put a massive strain on the whole family.

[Insert Name Here]

I was in a similar situation when i was 17 (turning 18) my mum and step dad had split up and we had to move house, and it hit me hard. I was extremely nasty to my sister, who is 2 years older than me (shes 27 now). I didnt mean to be, but it just came out that way, and i regretted it. We had always been quite close though, chatty and stuck up for eachother, things brothers and sisters do.

I didnt know how to repair the bridge between us, maybe it was my age/immaturity. We had a couple of weeks of not talking and it just didnt feel right. She took the initial steps to repair the relationship and started watching tv with me when i was downstairs, even if she hated the programs i liked. She watched the football with me even though she hates it, and even asked if she could play halo with me on the xbox. We gradually over a period of weeks began talking and rebuilding our relationship and now 6-7 years later, it seems as though none of it ever happened and is all completely forgotten.

Maybe im just lucky taking into account my sisters personallity, but i learned a lot from that. Maybe a little effort and attention is all your brother needs. Even if he refuses or acts like a knob at first, it may be worth persueing if you want any kind of contact with him. If it doesnt work out, then at least you can tell yourself you did your best, and your brother is a lost cause.

[Dandelion10]

Things are fine now but because I'm in a difficult position with this sa it's hard for me to be the big sister I should be so I often say to my parents stuff like 'why not go take him out for a pizza and cinema now that he's nearly finished his college course' or 'go ask him about his day' etc but natural family bonds trump my efforts cos I'll often catch them heading off to a rugby game together or my dad will have already arranged to take him to the local fair etc so I think part of it is just that I don't want to see him alone like I always was.

He's a good kid but he's led such a sheltered (but happy) life here in this village that he's not as animated as he could be and thanks to that xbox he does swear alot but essentially he's a normal decent young man, he's a teenager but he's not stroppy or anything. He's also been to two interviews recently and not got either of them but he looked amazing in his smart casual suit when he went for them but it can't be easy not landing those jobs.

So you see how silly of me it was to say I'd cut him out of my life, family really must be the most important thing to me so it was an exaggeration.

I think I was on the theme of pushing people away because I've been trying to remind myself of all the negative stuff I can think of from the police to stop liking them and it isn't working. I still love them.

[flowergirl]

I would never have anything to do with someone like that, family or not.