How many of you have absolutely 100% closed the door on the chance of a relationship?

[statico]

Originally Posted by Freespirit

maybe that would just be hurting yourself?

All things considered, it would be... is, the lesser of two evils for me.

[Freespirit]

Originally Posted by Freespirit

Blah blu blah.

I want to change what i said earlier. Which i have now editted. Yeh my door is still open. Its just ajar for the time being. i have alot of issues i need to confront myself before i can engage in a relationship, so im taking a time out. i want to try and use this time to build on friendships. Then when i am better see what happens. No point me being negative. Got to keep with the positive.

[Kevin Hodge]

i have to stay well clear of relationships for a long time. i'm such a mess in this respect. it would be heinously disrespectful for me to allow anyone to be involved with me.

i couldn't get anything out of a relationship anyway, beyond an extremely fleeting delusion of acceptance. in fact, i think i've dealt with that possibility too, i don't think i could even support that delusion for a microsecond anymore. sometimes i probably wish i could indulge in this delusion, i'm not sure, even for some kind of acceptance outside "relationship" territory.

i find the prospect of a relationship being impossible for me for an unspecified, but long, period of time, rather upsetting, since i ain't getting any younger. but it would be such a disaster, and i don't know if i could ever forgive the harm i'd cause by pretending otherwise.

besides, i'm sure that if someone had feelings for me i'd immediately think less of them.

good vibes

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Freespirit

i want to try and use this time to build on friendships.

yeah, me too. seems like an excellent plan to me.

[GoldFish]

Ya see the problem isnt the fact that im incapable of relationships its just that when im in one i find myself becoming (too much of a mr. nice guy) ...and to ne honest a little lame in my attempts at small talk and humour, i always feel like i have to impress yet if im being myself, and in the past girls have had friends who are sky high in terms of (looks, career, personality) ....and my last girlfriend was actually VERY playful with her guy friends, so much so that she was getting with them behind my back.

So for me its been difficult in terms of trusting girls, because two of them have had other boyfriends without telling me.

Since then ive distanced myself from close relationships

I even struggle with family, i barely talk to my dad because we always fight, he is abusive, my sister is living a blissful life which im happy for but she is now TIED to her boyfriend, and so i shy away from them because they are a little snobbish now.

Ill just be happy if i can make a new best friend or two friends, if im lucky i meet a girl who is genuine and i feel comfortable around.

im not closed off to relationships, i want them, but i find it a HUGE challenge because of my personality & social anxiety, i tend to avoid interaction, im only comfortable if ive beein drinking.

im also a little paranoid about my looks, as a male i feel too skinny!!(even though i lift weights & exercise) and i see many girls with tall and fit looking men, and i think that there is NO chance that anyone could be into me these days.

once it happens to you, it can take you by surprise because you think "how could someone possibly be interested in me, im boring, lack depth etc" ....
yet sometimes people just arnt that prejudice.

[Lsb]

Damn your optimism
I'm closed to relationships, until I learn to feel any kind of love within me Also I prize my independence too much

Good to see you back on the boards Lsb

Never say never, thats my motto

[pjarnfield]

My ultimate problem i think is that i'm always looking for a girl who is like me, quiet, shy, kind, honest etc I suppose it seems common sense that it would be a perfect match but knowing a couple of girls like this i find it much more difficult to talk to them than to say girls who are loud, talkative, confident etc. My friends are all like that and i have the best time with them, and there are a couple of girls at work who are like that who i have no probs talking to, just i always feel that they would want to be with someone like them and it puts me off asking them out. I think there is less pressure to get the conversation going with the confident ones, i guess i will have to reevaluate my views on what kind of girl i really want to have a relationship with. Like someone mentioned before, i think i would always be paranoid that they were cheating on me but i guess thats something i would have to live with, at the end of the day i would rather someone just told me that didnt like me than start cheating.

[Porrig]

Originally Posted by pjarnfield

My ultimate problem i think is that i'm always looking for a girl who is like me, quiet, shy, kind, honest etc I suppose it seems common sense that it would be a perfect match but knowing a couple of girls like this i find it much more difficult to talk to them than to say girls who are loud, talkative, confident etc. My friends are all like that and i have the best time with them, and there are a couple of girls at work who are like that who i have no probs talking to, just i always feel that they would want to be with someone like them and it puts me off asking them out. I think there is less pressure to get the conversation going with the confident ones, i guess i will have to reevaluate my views on what kind of girl i really want to have a relationship with. Like someone mentioned before, i think i would always be paranoid that they were cheating on me but i guess thats something i would have to live with, at the end of the day i would rather someone just told me that didnt like me than start cheating.

I also find this. It's much easier for me to be confident around more confident/outgoing girls. I don't mean loud in your face types just more talky, touchy feely types. Same with friends really, most of my friends are more confident types.

Avoid the alpha females though!

Originally Posted by pjarnfield

My ultimate problem i think is that i'm always looking for a girl who is like me, quiet, shy, kind, honest etc I suppose it seems common sense that it would be a perfect match but knowing a couple of girls like this i find it much more difficult to talk to them than to say girls who are loud, talkative, confident etc

When you fall in love many of the checklist ideals you have go out of the window.

There's not much point in drawing up categories of the types of people you think you want, or who you suppose you engage with better. People are people - many faceted and ever-changing.

This is why online dating sites often don't work. You meet someone from one of these thingies who has all of the characteristics you wanted on your list, but if there's no chemistry the whole exercise is pointless.

Personally, I can't think of anything more bloody boring than having a fixed idea of what I want and someone fulfilling it exactly.

[kontrol freak]

i read a lot of the replies in this thread but there is so much for me to respond to, so instead i'll just give my perspective on the original topic.

being in a relationship with someone presents, to me, one major problem which is more trouble than it is worth..

i don't believe that anyone can accept me the way i am right now, so for anyone to want to be around me i would need project a false image of myself which would take an enormous amount of energy to maintain.

so, since i know how painful it will be to be so close to someone, i just won't bother.

what i do want first, though, is to not feel so much pain when i am around people. after i've found a solution to that, i will 'open the door' on a relationship with someone. but who knows how long that could be.....

[John]

I couldn't inflict my depression and sa on another human being. It would be too cruel.

[scarlet_diva]

Originally Posted by John

I couldn't inflict my depression and sa on another human being. It would be too cruel.

I have felt like that in the past-- exactly the same, and that I'm a fruit cake & crazy and boring and can't understand how anyone could put up with me...but it's amazing how much other human beings will put up with and accept if they really have strong feelings for you.

A few years ago, I had put all my barriers up just like a lot of people here, and kept putting this guy off, saying I was a nightmare and all that. Eventually he wore me down & I swear I had some of my most amazing times with him. I would have kicked myself if I'd kept my guard up any longer & lost him because I would have lost out on some really happy moments.

It's happened to me before, in fact any time I meet a guy I have the same defensive barriers-up reaction cos I'm so scared that he'll think I'm a total freak/depressed drip, but sometimes, as I said, you will be amazed at how tolerant and caring some people can be.

Just wanted to put that out there anyway.

[Freespirit]

Originally Posted by silvernlilac

No! thats not true. How can you get hurt if you make the decision that you are better off on your own. Anyway Ive made that decision and im genuinely happy about it. I always knew from a young age that I would be alone for a long time and that has been proved right and ive accepted it. Maybe my counsellor can make me see things differently, I dont know. Sure, it still hurts sometimes, being on your own and that but nowhere near as much I imagine, as if you try and put yourself out to try and get into a relationship. I have tonnes of respect for anyone who has tried dating but its absolutely not for me. Anyway it has been made blindingly obvious to me that Im not wanted by anyone so that tells me everything I need to know... that I will be happier on my own. Im sorry but I dont buy into this whole 'you never know whats round the corner' thing. Thats complete bollocks when you know how things will pan out from day to day for the next 5 or so years at least. I would like more male friends, that im sure of but relationships, forget it.

Making more male friends is a good thing. Saying SOD OFF to the idea of actively seeking a relationship and simply looking for friends is the best way about it all. If anything ever does come of any of these friendships then woo hoo bonus, if it doesn't then its ok aswell..as you werent looking anyways. Best of luck silvern, you and all of us diserve a happy life, whether you are single or not.

[Deepguy]

Originally Posted by scarlet_diva

It's happened to me before, in fact any time I meet a guy I have the same defensive barriers-up reaction cos I'm so scared that he'll think I'm a total freak/depressed drip, but sometimes, as I said, you will be amazed at how tolerant and caring some people can be.

Thanks for that scarlet_diva. This is exactly what I do as well (with girls), and I'm pretty sure I've missed some opportunities because of it. It's nice to know there is some hope.

What did you do about telling them about your SA though, did you tell them straight out or let them find out over time?

Originally Posted by John

I couldn't inflict my depression and sa on another human being. It would be too cruel.

There's a lot more to you/any of us than just our problems. A big part of why I find SA etc so frustrating is that I know this stuff is not the real me - it's just stuff that's imprinted onto me because of past events.

Anyone who's interested in you enough to embark on a relationship will see there's more to you than just your problems. And anyone who's worth holding onto won't discriminate against your difficulties, but will want to support and help you through them.

[scarlet_diva]

Originally Posted by Mand680

Thanks for that scarlet_diva. This is exactly what I do as well (with girls), and I'm pretty sure I've missed some opportunities because of it. It's nice to know there is some hope.

What did you do about telling them about your SA though, did you tell them straight out or let them find out over time?

Depends really; If, after a bit, it looks like it's developing into something then I'll tell him straight up. By that time he will have already noticed that I'm a bit of a billy no-mates anyway.

[bang]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

........And so we come to that age-old question that has had other men deemed fit for castration..........

ISN'T IT EASIER FOR WOMEN WITH SA, THOUGH?.......



[My Stanley knife or yours? ].

Yes, because guys will shag anything.

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by tghe-retford

I have pretty much given up, for two reasons.

The first one is that I have a lot of problems in regards to SA, how I would handle a relationship (all the signs point to me being a "nice guy"). As a result, I would be very unattractive to any potential partner - any signs of desperation, clingyness, negativity, defeat and not being able to stand my ground. I would need to build my confidence and self-esteem before I could consider entering a relationship, two things I don't have a lot of at the moment. I have a lot of work to do and it could be years before I could even consider a relationship!

The second one is past experiences of being let down again and again, and the pain of being too - well - optimistic I suppose.

I'd say I would be at 95%, I've pretty much have a vow of chastity for the near future (for the next few years at least, and especially until my treatment is complete).

If anyone did ask me out, I'd consider it, but unless it was someone really, really special, I wouldn't consider a relationship.
__________________
jontyboyoh: If you want to set up a poll for this thread, click the Thread Tools drop down menu at the top of this page and select the create a poll option and follow the instructions from there.

Cheers for that.....I'm pretty much in the same boat meself........

Cheers for Instructions on how to start a poll as well.......Think it may be too late, now, though. lol

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by Innervision

I don't really see the value of closing the door on anything in life that we may desire and aspire to.

To be honest, I really don't think there is anyone alive who is totally incapable of having a relationship.

www.asexuality.org

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by silvernlilac

No! thats not true. How can you get hurt if you make the decision that you are better off on your own. Anyway Ive made that decision and im genuinely happy about it. I always knew from a young age that I would be alone for a long time and that has been proved right and ive accepted it. Maybe my counsellor can make me see things differently, I dont know. Sure, it still hurts sometimes, being on your own and that but nowhere near as much I imagine, as if you try and put yourself out to try and get into a relationship. I have tonnes of respect for anyone who has tried dating but its absolutely not for me. Anyway it has been made blindingly obvious to me that Im not wanted by anyone so that tells me everything I need to know... that I will be happier on my own. Im sorry but I dont buy into this whole 'you never know whats round the corner' thing. Thats complete bollocks when you know how things will pan out from day to day for the next 5 or so years at least. I would like more male friends, that im sure of but relationships, forget it.

That's possibilty the most negative thing I've read on this- my- thread........

The thing is, I can see where you are coming from 100%. ......

What therapy could possibly help me now?...... All there is is theories that you strive to turn into reality, but never quite come into fruition......

Add to this the 2 thoughts that:
a) I have been more socially competent than I am now in the past, but this seems to have well-and-truly disappreared....And b) All such theories just seem like new lies about yourself to replace the old ones; new games to play to get me/us to fit in with the rest of society.........

Although, maybe one will always face a brick wall when he/she considers such existential matters.

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by bang

Yes, because guys will shag anything.

1-1

[Shanta]

I am only twenty but I have given up. sa traits are not that attractive

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

www.asexuality.org

You don't stump me that easily, jontyboyoh.

Asexuality could well be a contributing factor why some people don't bother with relationships... but... things are not so simple.
There is far more to a good relationship than just sex, and plenty of people do have solid relationships without sex. Even if I had no interest in sex I'd still seek out a relationship with a person of the opposite sex if I didn't already have a relationship.

I'm still standing by my post.
Despite anything I've read in this thread, I don't believe for a single second that there is anyone here who cannot find a relationship if they want one. I'm not saying it is easy, but I am saying it is 100% possible. All that 'closing the door' does is give a sense of self-protection from potential rejection, and results in the closing off of potential openings, thus confirming the negative viewpoint that no one out there could possibly like us or want us.

If a person truly does not want a relationship, be it sexual or not, then fair do's. The thing is though, if people genuinely look at the reasons they feel that way, it often tends not be that relationships are not desired, it's often due to severe lack of confidence and esteem, coupled with a desperate need to avoid potentially hurtful situations further down the line. In short, blocking potential relationships is often all about avoiding the chances of being hurt, as well as a way of dealing with chronic low confidence and self-worth.

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by Innervision

You don't stump me that easily, jontyboyoh.

Asexuality could well be a contributing factor why some people don't bother with relationships... but... things are not so simple.
There is far more to a good relationship than just sex, and plenty of people do have solid relationships without sex. Even if I had no interest in sex I'd still seek out a relationship with a person of the opposite sex if I didn't already have a relationship.

I'm still standing by my post.
Despite anything I've read in this thread, I don't believe for a single second that there is anyone here who cannot find a relationship if they want one. I'm not saying it is easy, but I am saying it is 100% possible. All that 'closing the door' does is give a sense of self-protection from potential rejection, and results in the closing off of potential openings, thus confirming the negative viewpoint that no one out there could possibly like us or want us.

If a person truly does not want a relationship, be it sexual or not, then fair do's. The thing is though, if people genuinely look at the reasons they feel that way, it often tends not be that relationships are not desired, it's often due to severe lack of confidence and esteem, coupled with a desperate need to avoid potentially hurtful situations further down the line. In short, blocking potential relationships is often all about avoiding the chances of being hurt, as well as a way of dealing with chronic low confidence and self-worth.

Oh OK.....I didn't think u'd swallow that one!

I will say this, though: your knowledge on some subjects, and the way it comes across, never fails to astound....... How many lives have you lived?......Are you of Hindu stock, reincarnated many times? ..... U bring to mind a teacher I had in High School (one of the only good ones) who gave me the impression that he had seen every film in the world.......And probably experienced more than all their protagonists put together.

Seriously, though, I don't think I do actually want a relationship atm....... I really need to work on self-esteem and general Social matters...... I get the feeling some peeps think I'm a complete lout (err, like me dad!)......

Plus: this idea of a strong relationship without sex intrigues me a lot.....Maybe you can elucidate? lol

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

Oh OK.....I didn't think u'd swallow that one!

I will say this, though: your knowledge on some subjects, and the way it comes across, never fails to astound....... How many lives have you lived?......Are you of Hindu stock, reincarnated many times? ..... U bring to mind a teacher I had in High School (one of the only good ones) who gave me the impression that he had seen every film in the world.......And probably experienced more than all their protagonists put together.

Seriously, though, I don't think I do actually want a relationship atm....... I really need to work on self-esteem and general Social matters...... I get the feeling some peeps think I'm a complete lout (err, like me dad!)......

Plus: this idea of a strong relationship without sex intrigues me a lot.....Maybe you can elucidate? lol

You know me too well to believe I'd have swallowed that one whole.

Thank you for the nice comments. I may be an old soul, but I don't know. As a kid I did tell my mum that I used to be a girl in a previous life, so maybe I am of Hindu stock. Who knows? To be honest, I feel totally out of my depth and clueless on so many things in life.

So you're going to concentrate on yourself for a while and put relationships on hold? I actually think that is a very mature choice. Sometimes we have to consider ourselves and get ourselves feeling right before we are ready to get close with others on a more intimate (emotional or sexual) level.

Strong relationships without sex? Well these are possible... but, of course, it does take two people who are both of the same opinion on sexual matters. There does seem to be a certain section of people who are far more interested in companionship and being as one mentally rather than physically.

There are a couple of people on this site who maintain they hold no real interest in sex. I don't disbelieve them. Neither do I necessarily believe that holding such opinions on sex need be a barrier to having a relationship at some point in their lives. It is possible to build relationships on mutual companionship needs rather than mutual sexual needs. Some people also have extremely low sex drives, so if two such people were to meet and be compatible in other ways too, a relationship could form around other things, with sex being little more than an occasional occurance. Compatibility is the key in relationships. No matter who we are, there will always be certain others who we are compatible with. With SA, meeting them can be difficult, but never-the-less, it is not impossible.

[goodeone]

I closed the door along time ago i just do not have it in me to have a close personal relationship with anyone. I have other problems beside SA and I do not think anyone would be able to put up with me. It upsets me when i see people getting it together even when they haveOCD,severe depression ect. I often wonder what i have done to be punished to a life of isolation.

[Neil]

Originally Posted by Bugschivers

I think that the best attitude is to just keep on going without really 'looking' for a relationship, you never know what life is going to throw at you next.

I interpret the above as being relaxed and laid back about everything. Not having the word "desperate" written all over your forehead. However people might interpret "not really looking for a relationship" as a convenient excuse for not getting into social situations that might increase your chances of having a relationship. I go along with the idea that finding a relationship shouldn't become an encompassing obsession, you shouldn't get too hung up on the objective of finding one, but that you should be mentally open to all possibilities, an entirely pragmatic approach. The reality, especially if you are a guy, is that you do have to take a proactive approach toward things, standing cross armed might get you places only if you are very lucky, but more often that not you'll have to create your own openings. To summarise I belive that for people of our character, by setting out with the objective of finding a relationship we are puting undue pressure on ourselves. Alternatively we should be aiming at enjoying life, widening our social contacts and skills and then taking appropriate action when an opportunity comes our way. But for that to happen we have to be in the right frame of mind.

An added problem that eats away at our confidence is the view that we have of ourselves, however unrealistic this is. If you harbour the belief that, for whatever reason, you come across as boring or uninteresting to the opposite gender then you are hijacking your chances of success. That is why I wholeheartedly endorse what other members have written regarding the fact they are going to work on their self-esteem first as this plays a key role in relationships.


Another recurring theme, and something I admit to finding difficult is that many people find it hard to interpret social cues such as body language or sutil hints people might mention or do if they are attracted to you. To a large degree these can be learned through increased social contact but some people are naturally better than others at this and purely rely on instinct. I wouldn't count myself as the sharpest tool in the box but neither am I dim. Yet to this day I would find it extremely difficult to pick up flirtatious signs. As I have never been able to interpret those from other people I have never learned how to flirt or communicate on that level myself. This last point, especially regarding male saers, is what is limiting many people on this site and elsewhere from achieving a partner. A lack of ability that may or may not have arisen from a lack of social contact.

[pjarnfield]

I've read a lot of thoughts here and i do see things from each persons point of view. I wouldnt give up on relationships, i do believe there is someone out there for us all but they aren't gonna fall into our lap. It just depends how badly you really want to find them. Obviously if people are happier being single then they shouldnt really be pressurised into finding a partner. I just find that coz i'm single i want someone to share my thoughts, to give my love to, someone to kiss and to cuddle. I also know that getting to that point is probably the most difficult thing i am ever going to have to do.

I have got a date tomorrow and i know i will be so nervous that i will want to pull out of it but i wont. I will think why am i putting myself through all of this, but then i will think how unhappy i have been being single and how i want it all to change. Only i can do anything about it despite knowing how tough and challenging it is going to be. I always imagine myself though in 10 years with a beautiful wife and 2 lovely children and that is what drives me on. I have wasted too much time "not looking" for someone so now i am definately always looking for someone, otherwise i will never find them.

[jontyboyoh]

Originally Posted by pjarnfield

I've read a lot of thoughts here and i do see things from each persons point of view. I wouldnt give up on relationships, i do believe there is someone out there for us all but they aren't gonna fall into our lap. It just depends how badly you really want to find them. Obviously if people are happier being single then they shouldnt really be pressurised into finding a partner. I just find that coz i'm single i want someone to share my thoughts, to give my love to, someone to kiss and to cuddle. I also know that getting to that point is probably the most difficult thing i am ever going to have to do.

I have got a date tomorrow and i know i will be so nervous that i will want to pull out of it but i wont. I will think why am i putting myself through all of this, but then i will think how unhappy i have been being single and how i want it all to change. Only i can do anything about it despite knowing how tough and challenging it is going to be. I always imagine myself though in 10 years with a beautiful wife and 2 lovely children and that is what drives me on. I have wasted too much time "not looking" for someone so now i am definately always looking for someone, otherwise i will never find them.

Gud luck tomoz dude!....Hope the hard work pays off!