Has anyone else here experienced living as a pariah of their community?

[Sunrise]

How did you deal with it?

Did you ever manage to successfully repair your reputation?

Is moving away and starting afresh the only solution?

Where's the best place to live if you're "different"? I've never lived in a big city, but are people more tolerant, diverse and inclusive? I like the idea of being anonymous and not getting so much negative attention.

[Mr. Nobody]

Only time I imagined this was when I took a lot of mushrooms,

I was convinced that the entire country was "in-on" my life story (a bit like the Truman show)
I thought there were crowds outside my house all looking up at my bedroom window, and there was an ambulance waiting if anything went wrong,...but it was waiting around the corner out of sight, so as not to spook me.

It could all still be the case,..but they're just getting better at hiding now?

[biscuits]

No, but then I don't feel part of a community to have the opportunity be a pariah.

Living in a city is definitely worth experiencing in terms of all of the social opportunities and variety of places to go, courses, events, workshops etc. I did love that aspect of it. But at the same time I didn't feel safe and they're too noisy for me. Loving just outside of a city is a bit nicer - so you can pop in and pop out.

[biscuits]

My phone always changinges living to loving for some reason!

I'm a lover not a liver?

[Dougella]

Where I live i don't think anyone knows who I am, and i prefer it that way.

[Hylas]

I don't know if this counts but in a former life I was a Piranah and I did find myself in the rather unfortunate situation of being ostracised by the other fish in my school when I announced my intention to become vegetarian.

[Sunrise]

See, even on here it's something that's just seen as a joke. Has anyone here ever experienced being the target of malicious rumours and the major effect is has on your life?

If you haven't, then I'm genuinely pleased for you because it's not fun. I've spent the last few years living in constant fear. I'm terrified of going into my nearest town in case I get beaten up. I'm constantly preoccupied with this feeling of fear, it's an obsession but I feel like I can't escape from it.

Where I live is like a real life Royston Vasey, and I stick out like a sore thumb because I'm supposedly "different" and it makes me an easy target. I've tried desperately hard to blend in without success and I don't know what to do now. It's this constant living in fear that I can't handle.

[biscuits]

That sounds awful.

Perhaps you could spend sometime in another place - just for a visit and see what you make of it? Possibly spend a few nights in a place you'd consider moving to. It's not exactly the same as living there but you could have a wander around and check out a few places and see what's on offer.

[Merry]

I completely empathise Sunrise.
I live in a small village and only cope because I have never interacted with anyone much. I made a point of sending my children to school in a different village so I could drive there and people wouldn’t know where we lived. I worked in different places and I drive everywhere to shop.
I know some people by sight and I know that they will gossip about me, because I have been here for 17 years and don’t interact, and because on the rare occasion I have spoken to people over the years, when I go for dog walks, people have immediately gossiped about other people in my road.
This is small town mentality. Try to remember that while you might be ostracised it’s because you don’t fit in, you’re either in or out in a small town (whether that’s to do with behaviour, class, race etc.) but you definitely won’t be the only person being talked about negatively. Like in any social group where a lot of people are not curious minded, or insightful, or interesting, they bond with each other by being “normal” and gossiping about anyone else.

If you struggle with daily social interactions with people then you won’t fit in and people will gossip about you.
I think cities are far more tolerant and used to difference. I always feel more comfortable with anonymity and big places. Like Biscuits says though, living somewhere is different than visiting and I do wonder if I would begin to struggle in a place if I lived there, because even in cities you have your own ‘local’ places.
It does seem to me though that people who have social anxiety in bigger towns or cities tend to struggle more with just a general anxiety around being among too many people, rather than it feeling personal. I don’t struggle with crowds, my anxiety is about being bullied/ostracised by people who know me, so in that way the anonymity of a bigger place is appealing.

[Merry]

I have experienced being the target of malicious rumours too, but in school, rather than as an adult.
It’s is an absolutely untenable feeling to have to be somewhere on such high alert, waiting for people to shout abuse at you.
It feels like being hunted.
I think you owe yourself the opportunity to get away from that

[BFG_]

I've never considered my neighbours/communities opinion of me to be anything vaguely important. As long as they're scared enough not to park directly infront of our driveway that'll do me.

[Hylas]

I'm sorry Sunrise, my silliness got the better of me last night.

Your situation appears intolerable and something needs to give for sure. I live in a large inner city and my neighbour is from observation a sufferer of NPD, schizophrenia and an alcoholic. Moving here it was hard to fathom what in the hell was happening in the flat below such was the noise from those living there. Imagine hearing highly abusive, violent, screaming rows throughout the day and night with no let up which in fact were the sole performance by one woman responding to the auditory hallucinations she was hearing.

My anxiety levels went through the roof and considering I had only aquired the tenancy of my property from a housing association who are soley dedicated to providing homes to those with poor mental health it did not help with my recovery which had already taken a hit after a bad reaction to my anti depressants.

I spoke to my housing officer about the issue but she only referred me to noise abatement within the environmental health department. Social services provided no assistance either when I felt sure they knew exactly what the problem was with my new neighbour. So no support for me and so little they can do for her it seems when she is deemed to have full mental capacity but decides not to take her meds and abuses alcohol.

I worked out for myself that trying to help her by being the caring and considerate neighbourly sort that I am played into her narcissitic mindset. She viewed it as a weakness on my part and once I came to realise that then the tables were turned and the noise abated dramatically.

Living with SA has always been difficult but as I've gotten older I've grown somewhat wiser. If it comes down to moving away for your peace of mind just ensure you're not making a decision you'll later regret, you don't want to become isolated or in the same situation albeit just another location. I've worked in care and have heard from my service users of the regrets of not planning ahead for older age.

I live in the most multicultural and diverse district in the UK outside of London and I honestly believe that there is just as much chance of fitting in with ones community here as there is in the leafy burbs of wherever. I have thought about leaving for a more rural life but that's a dream really, it would mean giving up good public transport links and other closeby amenities. I have good neighbours, bad neighbours and those who keep themselves to themselves. It could be far worse I'm sure and I count my blessings it's not.

Hope you find a solution soon.

[Merry]

Hi hylas,
Hi Sunrise,
I was wondering if either of you drive? As you mention good transport links, Hylas.

I think driving is what makes living in a rural community tolerable. Like I said in my earlier post, I live in a very small village (three intersecting roads, two shops, one cafe, a few pubs and a school and a church) where people love being part of the community, but I don’t go to church, I very rarely go to the pubs, and my children didn’t go to the local school. Instead I walk three feet from my door to my car and drive everywhere.
A few weeks ago I had to put my car in the local garage and walk home through the village and my anxiety was sky high, I remember thinking I couldn’t cope if I had to do that regularly and walk everywhere, or use public transport. Being in a car is safe and an extension of your own home and space.

Maybe a rural location with a car is easier for severe social anxiety than a city location without one?

[Bluebear]

I was a pariah in a previous place I lived, where all the neighbours were loud, empty headed, lacking in insight etc.. and because usually I tried to avoid them, I was definitely the target of malicious gossip.

I would also move, Sunrise!

[Sunrise]

I can drive, but I live in rural Wales which really is the middle of nowhere. It takes several hours to drive to anywhere with things going on. It feels very claustrophobic and like I'm living in a bubble.

I've heard a lot of SA people talk about how they'd love to move to a more remote, rural area, but it really isn't all it's cracked up to be. A lot of places like that place a big emphasis on "community", but if you're not a part of that it's very easy to become ostracised. I'm a total fish out of water where I am, I don't fit in at all and I feel like I'm treated with suspicion because of it. There's a lot of people who I'm not on good terms with and word tends to spread.

I can't join any sort of group locally or meet anyone as I wouldn't be welcome. In such a small community it feels like wherever I go there will be at least one person who knows about me or has heard some ridiculous fake or exaggerated story about me.

I have a reputation as one of the local oddballs, which some could argue is deserved as I have behaved in ways I regret in the past, but it was down to social ineptitude rather than anything malicious. The problem is that mud sticks and I feel like I'm going to have problems everywhere I go because everyone knows me as a weirdo. I stick out like a sore thumb anyway as I come across as obviously "different", right down to my physical appearance, so everywhere I go and no matter there's going to be problems when it comes to mixing with others.

[Lee S]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

I stick out like a sore thumb anyway as I come across as obviously "different", right down to my physical appearance...

What's wrong with your physical appearance? I've seen pictures of you in the past and you looked perfectly fine.

[girlinterrupted]

No, most people wouldn't know I exist I imagine and the ones that do I shouldn't think I cross their minds anymore than they cross mine (exceptionally rarely if I happen to run into them or something, but completely fleetingly 'oh yeah, that person exists').

I hope you find somewhere that you can find peace in (external and inner).

[Hylas]

Hi Sunrise, it wasn't until I watched the YT channel 'Turdtowns' that I was made aware of the depravation issues, lack of funding and regeneration prevalent in many areas of Wales today. Some of the towns and villages look to have been forgotten and crime is off the scale. I guess you're right, we can romanticise living the rural life but it can be beset with problems and isn't necessarily for everyone. I remember the summer holiday my family spent in Pembrokeshire in the 70's, it really was wild and beautiful.......windy and wet, very wet, it rained continually for two weeks. I guess that the amount of rainfall is about the only thing that hasn't changed. If you do leave for pastures new (or concrete jungle) at least you won't have to do it travelling at 20mph now they've decided to scrap the speed limit. Those idiots in Senedd Cymru, what were they thinking!

[gregarious_introvert]

I have been a pariah most of my life. School was the worst time, when I was identified as being "different" on my first day and nothing changed, then came university, where I wasn't bullied physically, but completely ostracised. Over the years, I've been a pariah in the workplace too - in my last job, in Newton Aycliffe (County Durham), one workmate tried to befriend me until he was told by management that he would have to face consequences for doing so, which is a measure of how separate I was there (I never kept a job longer than two years, I was either sacked for "not fitting in" or left - I only lasted that long because I was exceptional at everything I did).

After leaving university, I settled in Peckham for a number of years, where I felt accepted (to a point), mainly because it has enough oddballs that I didn't stand out. However, when I had to leave and move to Darlington (to care for my father), I was a pariah once again: although Darlo is a big town, it has its own ways and anyone different is very noticeable. I became very isolated and withdrawn, was physically threatened by my neighbours and eventually sectioned (briefly).

When I moved to Derbyshire, I found myself in a street where the community was very close-knit and I was an outsider from day one. I didn't know it at the time, but every move I made was reported to my landlord (what time I left and returned to the house, where I parked my car and how long it was there... everything!), which eventually led to groups waiting outside my door to threaten me and then being evicted, which was the best thing which could have happened, as Bolsover Council identified me as vulnerable and moved me to where I am now (I've been here since November 2016).

Word limit reached, tbc

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[gregarious_introvert]

I'm still an oddball, but everyone here has some sort of need (one neighbour has dementia, the other is a disabled alcoholic), even if it's just assisted living for the elderly (I'm the youngest person living here), so even though I don't fit in, I'm on good terms (although not close) with the other residents (I should add that it's a square of one or two bedroom bungalows around a green, not an old people's home) and accepted, but still not part of the community (I don't spend enough time here for that). It's the first time since leaving Peckham that I've felt safe.

Merry mentioned driving and I don't think I'd survive here without a car; there is one bus route, which runs from Chesterfield to Nottingham, but there is no evening service and it's unreliable (the evening service was removed during the pandemic restrictions and never restored), the closest supermarket is six miles away and the village has one pub (which doesn't serve ale, so I only use it for food) and one shop, which is limited and expensive. When my car goes for its MOT, I feel trapped!

I can understand how you feel, Sunrise - I've just returned (on Friday) from a week in Mid Wales and I'm sure living in some of the more secluded spots must be like being in a goldfish bowl. If you could move somewhere more anonymous and lose your history, it may help but I have learned that we do take our issues with us - I do have a fresh start now (even though I'm only three miles from where I lived previously), but I have a different mindset too. Wherever you live, people in the immediate vicinity are likely to notice your behaviour (in the previous village in Derbyshire, I was agoraphobic and what was noticed was my not leaving the house!) and even cities can be small communities in a concentrated area, so if you do move, try to refresh your mind as well as your surroundings.

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[Dougella]

Wow gregarious_Introvert, just wow. I can't believe people treated you like that. Why were neighbours reporting what time you left the house and came back and where you parked your car to the landlord?! Did they suspect you of some sort of illegal activity? Not that it matters, it sounds completely bonkers.

I do think that single people can sometimes be viewed with more suspicion unfortunately, particularly single men. If you're in any way different it seems like in some places you'll be singled out for hostility.

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by Dougella

Wow gregarious_Introvert, just wow. I can't believe people treated you like that. Why were neighbours reporting what time you left the house and came back and where you parked your car to the landlord?! Did they suspect you of some sort of illegal activity? Not that it matters, it sounds completely bonkers.

I do think that single people can sometimes be viewed with more suspicion unfortunately, particularly single men. If you're in any way different it seems like in some places you'll be singled out for hostility.

I think my neighbours just thought I was weird. As for the parking, the street was quite narrow and most didn't have driveways, so it wasn't always possible to park near one's house. Now, I'm quite environmentally minded (despite driving a diesel), so wherever I parked, my car stayed there until the next time I used it (I'm not spending my life looking out of the window, waiting for the space outside to become free and then running to my car, starting it up and moving it 50 yards) and that upset some people. At one point, I was physically threatened because someone had to park six feet away from their usual spot.

It escalated after someone (who DID have a driveway) reversed from their driveway into my car (writing off my car), which was somehow my fault for being parked there! The guy actually thought his insurance company would find me at fault. It was after this that mobs started waiting at my gate. Anyway, you asked so I replied, but this isn't my thread.

It's just life, really. I've never really known much different, I didn't think anyone would respond to the post (which just shows how we all have a different concept of "normal").

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[Dougella]

^ Sorry, I did ask because I was curious. I'm glad you live somewhere now where you're safe.

[Sunrise]

I'm sorry that you've experienced all that GI.

But it's got me thinking, is it actually a more common thing to experience than I realise? I've gone through similar. I am not on good terms with my next door neighbour at all, who has a very vivid imagination to say the least. Thankfully I am in the process of trying to move and it can't come soon enough.

I'm very paranoid about being one of the local weirdos. It's got to the extent that if I see kids playing outside if I need to go out I'll try and hold fire until they've gone because I'm worried people will think I'm a paedo. I'm a strange man who lives alone, never has close relationships and has a history of "creepy" behaviour. I definitely fit the stereotype of a wrong 'un.

I'm not sure how much of it just paranoia, because a lot of people are wary of those with my kind of lifestyle. I genuinely do have a reputation as an oddball so I'm not sure how much of the threat is real.

The last few years my self-esteem has plummeted. I never used to worry about this quite so much. I never used to feel so threatened.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I understand avoiding the kids, although my answer is to walk briskly and not look in their direction. I also have to look away from attractive young women, as I've now reached the "dirty old man" stage of life and don't want to be perceived as such (this didn't work today, when a young Spanish lady sat with her bum touching mine, trying to "get me going" for a laugh in front of her friends).

I think it probably is part paranoia, part reality, although I couldn't guess at the ratio. In the right environment, being seen as an oddball can make you interesting rather than threatening, it's that transition from weirdo to eccentric.

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[Sunrise]

Another one of mine is that I don't like walking behind lone women incase they think I'm following them. I also worry that some women will think I'm trying to chat them up if I speak to them so I actually try not to appear too friendly and keep a distance. I'm very paranoid about coming across as a creepy old man, because I know that I actually have in the past. I worry about coming across as threatening and I feel like I do at times.

It probably makes me come across as even weirder, but I feel like it's the lesser of two evils. I've been guilty of making people feel uncomfortable in the past and the best way I've found of not doing that is to try and avoid the situations where I might.

[Merry]

^ I think most women would appreciate a man making an effort to not walk directly behind them if it’s not busy. Lone women are often frightened of lone men and that has nothing to do with the man in question, just the circumstances.
I had an incident a few months ago where I was walking my dogs and a man who’d been sat alone got up as I passed by and started walking behind me and it scared me to death. He could very easily have just been wanting to go home just then, but I assumed that most men would realise that is frightening and intimidating.

I think that you should be able to chat to women in a friendly way though, when there’s no chance of a woman feeling uncomfortable, without worrying about it being perceived as ‘creepy’. That seems like something that has been triggered by the way you have been treated in the past, hopefully it’s something that can improve for you if you could get away from the small town mentality of where you are living.