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  #1741  
Old 29th September 2023, 23:54
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mellie
Everyone i know hates me secretely
I don't hate you Mellie you're a sweetheart
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  #1742  
Old 30th September 2023, 16:15
Aelwyn Aelwyn is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mellie
Everyone i know hates me secretely
I'm not keen on the sometimes sanctimonious mottos you can get on signs and fridge magnets. However I was given a magnet which says "Don't believe everything you think" and that one I do like.
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  #1743  
Old 30th September 2023, 16:46
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I don't think they do, Mellie. Also sometimes people express frustration or are distracted by their own stuff, but it doesn't mean they hate you.
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  #1744  
Old 30th September 2023, 17:10
Mellie Mellie is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Thanks for all the replies. Hope everyone is ok
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  #1745  
Old 21st March 2024, 18:58
Tubbs Tubbs is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this: when you suffer a disappointment or setback or whatever, does your mind immediately go to suicide? Like something doesn't go to plan and you're instantly planning the trip to Dignitas (not literally, but I've thought in detail about suicide methods many, many times).

It's my default position. I'd made all these grand plans for this year, e.g. I was going to move house, lose a f*ck-ton of weight, start driving lessons, etc; but as soon as something bad happens I'll think 'f*ck it all', and want to press the self-destruct button. I self harmed today for the first time in I don't know how long. I find it really difficult to even talk about any of this. Truthfully, I'm as messed up as I ever was, but as I've got older I've got better at masking and telling people what they want to hear.

When good things happen to me they feel fleeting, and I immediately worry that they're going to be taken away from me. Honestly, the ideal situation would be for me to not wake up tomorrow, or to drop dead from a massive heart attack or similar. (Maybe the latter scenario is not as unlikely as I'd once thought. I had my blood pressure measured today and it was something like 140/80, which I've been told is not very good..) At my core I just feel it would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.

The one friend I have locally stopped replying to my messages - not that I blame her, she's unwell and has her own shit to deal with - but I feel really lonely. I'm a horrible partner/daughter/sister/friend.

I just don't know what to do any more.
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  #1746  
Old 21st March 2024, 19:56
Merritt Merritt is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I can relate, Tubbs

My mind does the same thing, in fact it's usually already half way there before anything happens. It's a huge coping mechanism for me, the idea that at least I can always just die, and if I can manage to keep my peace with that then how bad can anything really get? The problem is it requires me to shed all my attachments to being alive, to treat everything as disposable, make no connections and not value anything. It isn't a nice way to live, though I deal with it by telling myself I don't deserve anything better, and I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it.
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  #1747  
Old 21st March 2024, 20:01
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^ that's a lot of pressure and high stressful situations and change and uncertainty all happening at once. It's like in your brain you're stacking lots of balls on top of each other and trying to make them stay in a tower but they all will fall and roll about in there because it's all a bit too much to process and deal with all at the same time.

As for being a horrible partner/friend/sister/daughter - that feels like it's really hard to imagine someone thinking of you. It might help to reframe that as what's happening to you right now is a lot to experience and it's putting up a temporary barrier between those relationships. It's okay not to be emotionally or physically available to others and the people who love you will know that's what's happening. Also it can help to reach out and let them know when/if you feel able to, as they might be able to offer some comfort. Offloading really helps just to get it out and if you think perhaps talking to a counsellor might help that sounds like would be a really good thing to do.

It's okay to feel like everything is too much because sometimes it is, but it won't always feel like this all the time. It's only when it passes through us that we see that though, of course. And it will pass
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  #1748  
Old 21st March 2024, 20:20
Chess&Junkfood Chess&Junkfood is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I'm sorry to hear this, Tubbs! I would reach out for support when you need to and take each day at a time. Please be kind to yourself! Sending the best to you!
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  #1749  
Old 21st March 2024, 20:42
Lee S Lee S is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

@ Tubbs
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  #1750  
Old 21st March 2024, 21:11
ebonytigger ebonytigger is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

My brain does the same thing, Tubbs, since all the bad in 2012 that my brain completely blocked and is only recently starting to release trauma memories

being miss treated online is one thing that triggers my brain back to the suicidal need from 2012, that year I literally needed to do a suicide

tbh I sometimes wish I'd managed it, the attempt I made wasn't a well thought out one
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  #1751  
Old 22nd March 2024, 00:36
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

You're not messed up Tubbs Oddly this is something I've noticed that my medication helps with, not that I'm suggesting everyone takes medication! It's just something I've noticed. My partner has similar reactions to things not going as expected or big changes but I never see it as a problem or him as a bad partner because I understand and I just try to support him. I think that's how your partner and friends think of you.
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  #1752  
Old 22nd March 2024, 02:14
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

So sorry to hear that you're going through this, Tubbs; you are not a horrible anything at all and I hope you'll get to a place very soon where you realise how lucky those who share your life are, to have you in theirs.

It does seem that you may have been trying to reach too many goals at once (most of us have been guilty of that at some time) but perhaps it's best now to forget all of them and take time to rediscover yourself, rebuild connections, then perhaps to pick one goal to work towards. I'm sure you have the strength to come through this.

To answer your question, yes suicide was my go-to solution for setbacks, although after my last attempt in 1988, I vowed that I wouldn't do that again, so instead I spent 27 years just hoping not to wake up, until one day my life took a new direction and I was so glad that I never succeeded when I tried, or acted on my impulses afterwards.

You're a lovely person and I hope that your life can change for the better; please stick around until it does, the world needs more Tubbs, not one less.

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  #1753  
Old 22nd March 2024, 09:33
Bluebear Bluebear is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I’m so sorry you feel so bad, Tubbs.

I can relate to what you have posted.

Suicide has been my default plan for when things go very wrong for 10 - 11 years. Dignitas has felt like a good solution.

I feel like a horrible partner, relative, and friend.

I so much hope that you feel better.

I completely agree with gregvert that the world needs more Tubbs and not one less!

I usually don't write posts here but I made an exception to post this to you.
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  #1754  
Old 22nd March 2024, 13:06
Aelwyn Aelwyn is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Just picking up on one thing you say, about blood pressure.

I've had high blood pressure for several months now, I think most likely because of anxiety. Anyway, a single reading apparently is not so significant, it's the weekly average that is more informative. Just getting worried about a single reading will probably put your bp up! (By the way mine was up to 150).

I've found that exercise and meditation both seem to bring it down, helping manage the anxiety. If you can do just 10 minutes of exercise morning and afternoon, that can be very good for you. I also posted recently about chanting Om. It might sound wacky, but does seem to have a calming effect even if you only do it for five minutes.

The point is to not get swamped by your emotions and thoughts, which change all the time anyway. Don't believe everything you think, as they say in mindfulness classes.
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  #1755  
Old 27th March 2024, 14:30
Tubbs Tubbs is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Heartfelt thanks for the replies. I'm OK. Getting there, y'know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dougella
Oddly this is something I've noticed that my medication helps with, not that I'm suggesting everyone takes medication!
Just wanted to pick up on this point. I'm quite heavily medicated as it happens - 60mg fluoxetine in the morning and 15mg mirtazapine at night - I believe this is known as a 'California speedball'!! Which is to say, I dread to think what I'd be like without meds

Anyway, I appreciate you all <3
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  #1756  
Old 27th March 2024, 14:35
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Oh a California speed ball! Yeah, everyone reacts differently to different meds. Mine don't seem to help much at all with the huge amounts of anxiety I have unfortunately, but they do lessen my reactions to unexpected changes or things not working out etc.

I hope you're feeling a bit better
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  #1757  
Old 27th March 2024, 15:44
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^ Welcome back, Tubbs. Pleased to hear that you're "getting there" and hope you continue on that path

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  #1758  
Old 27th March 2024, 16:14
ebonytigger ebonytigger is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I hope you'll be okay Tubbs, if there's anything a random person on a forum can do, please feel free to say
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  #1759  
Old 27th March 2024, 18:37
Hopeforme Hopeforme is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

My mind goes there too. I did about 20 minutes and I am sitting with it now. Really painful.
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  #1760  
Old 27th March 2024, 20:42
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ I'm sorry to hear things have got that bad for you, Hfm, if there's ever anything you need to talk about, my ears are available (or eyes, if it's written, you know what I mean).

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