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  #1  
Old 25th September 2023, 17:17
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Selective mutism

Hi,
Could anyone point me in the direction of information and research about selective mutism and social and communication difficulties please?
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  #2  
Old 25th September 2023, 17:43
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Didn't biscuits suffer from this?
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  #3  
Old 25th September 2023, 17:52
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^ Yes, I did - really badly at secondary school and probably up until recently. It still hits me but not as bad as in the past.

Can I just check. Are you looking for info regarding children or adults?
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  #4  
Old 25th September 2023, 17:58
Percy Percy is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuits
^ Yes, I did - really badly at secondary school and probably up until recently. It still hits me but not as bad as in the past.

Can I just check. Are you looking for info regarding children or adults?
Glad to hear it bix.
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  #5  
Old 25th September 2023, 19:53
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuits
^ Yes, I did - really badly at secondary school and probably up until recently. It still hits me but not as bad as in the past.

Can I just check. Are you looking for info regarding children or adults?
Both,
I actually think I still have it. Though I have never had a diagnosis. I am almost completely silent in many places.

I had a few children with selective mutism at work and used to run a speech and language group with them, but even then I didn't really acknowledge how much it still effects me.

I want to focus on social and communication differences for my MA. If I can learn anything that helps me along the way, it will be nice!

Is it something you don't struggle with anymore @Biscuits?
I feel like a lot of people with social anxiety disorder probably have selective mutism to some degree, as they seem to be very connected.

Mine is probably quite extreme for an adult. In hospital they gave me the nickname "(My Own Name) Morning" ....like "Merry Morning" because it was the only word I said for 5 days.
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  #6  
Old 25th September 2023, 19:54
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuits
^ Yes, I did - really badly at secondary school and probably up until recently. It still hits me but not as bad as in the past.

Can I just check. Are you looking for info regarding children or adults?
Oh sorry, you already answered and I double asked you!
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  #7  
Old 25th September 2023, 22:16
Clumsy* Clumsy* is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

It's funny, I've been interested in selective mutism too.

I think I suffer from it. But I often feel too much of an imposter who would like to excuse her dumbness and lack of intelligence with legitimate disorders or disabilities such as 'selective mutism'.

I can read stuff fine.
I can't get words out of my mouth and writing/composing is laborious.
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  #8  
Old 26th September 2023, 17:14
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

I believe I suffered with this at school although I don't think it even had a name back then. All my school reports would say that I needed to speak more and had little confidence. I would only speak when spoken to and I remember thinking of normal everyday things in my head to say to someone but then being far too nervous to say them. At home with the people I was closest to I could be a right chatterbox. Nowadays I'm very chatty if I feel comfortable with someone but I'll clam up if I don't like them or I feel that they don't like me.
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  #9  
Old 26th September 2023, 17:29
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^ yes, that's the same with me.
I'm very lively and talkative with people I'm comfortable with (or if I'm honest, when I'm a bit drunk).
Sometimes I wonder if I was misdiagnosed as autistic because I am not the same with people I know as I am in places I feel uncomfortable.
But then selective mutism can be part of autism too.
I'm definitely not someone who prefers my own company though. I feel lonely a lot. I just don't know how to get past that shut down feeling.

I was criticised, sneered at and mocked constantly at home, by my parents but also my older siblings as I was the youngest. I think withdrawal was a safety mechanism.
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  #10  
Old 26th September 2023, 20:41
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

I had it where my mind would go completely blank and I couldn't think of anything to say at all, even to simple questions. It was like the ability to think in sentences or think of words totally left me. It was really strange to feel completely blank. I felt like such a freak.

Definitely due to anxiety, but I didn't feel physically anxious. It was a complete freeze in situations I was uncomfortable in. I used to be a chronic blusher too. I used to blush any time someone spoke to me.

If I wanted to talk on the phone I had to write a script to read out and would think of possible questions and answers.

I felt like a robot that I was programming to be a human!

I don't ever blush any more.
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  #11  
Old 26th September 2023, 20:44
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

When I forced myself to speak I'd trip over words, jumble words together, or miss words out. It was really embarrassing.

That's why it was upsetting to see a conversation on here saying you should tell people if you have communication issues in case people assume you're drunk.
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  #12  
Old 26th September 2023, 23:55
anxiouslondoner anxiouslondoner is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^
I get this. Well mainly I get the mutism thing, but also I get tumbling down a flight of syllables with a tray of thoughts going everywhere.
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  #13  
Old 27th September 2023, 08:29
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^ what a lovely piece of writing!
(about a horrible thing)

^^ What helped you with it @Biscuits? Also with the blushing?
I blush very badly. It's embarrassing to be still suffering the same symptoms at my age. I think I missed out on genuine treatment and improvement by taking medication for so long. It did help with the symptoms and helped me with things like work, but I didn't address the underlying causes of my issues.
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  #14  
Old 27th September 2023, 21:59
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^^ thank you

^ I think for me there was a lot of shame and feeling like a freak etc. feeling like I needed to hide away in case people found out about the selective mutism etc. and worrying about sounding stupid because I couldn't speak coherently.

Just constantly pushing myself to try new things. I used to be sick each day with anxiety but I just kept going. It was awful, but I guess it paid off. Also there always seems to be someone that takes me under their wing and is patient and kind about it all. I also try to be as open as possible with people and that helps. I learnt over time that all of the things I felt made me a freak and felt so unique to me were things that other people experience too. Perhaps not to the same degree, but they get it on some level. I find a lot of people speak very openly about their mental health and anxiety these days and I found the more I opened up the less shame and embarrassment I felt and the more acceptance I experienced.

My sister also used to make me ask for things in restaurants etc. to help me.

That all sounds really cheesy haha.

I still really struggle to maintain friendships and it's usually the other person doing most of the work because it's an alien concept to me to think anyone would want to spend time with me.
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  #15  
Old 28th September 2023, 18:58
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Thank you for answering my question @Biscuits.

It's interesting that you have had people help you and take you under their wing, as you say.
I can imagine that's been really helpful.

Also it sounds like your ability to open up about things that you struggle with, at least to some people, has really facilitated that, because it kind of creates an atmosphere where you're willing to accept help and people around you have empathy for you.

I think in my own experience, which I'm going to guess isn't that unusual on this forum, is that I was never able to bridge that gap to open up to anyone about things I was struggling with, so the relationships I had with people around me didn't really have any truth to them.
I would use lots of strange behaviours to hide my social anxiety, rather than explain that I was anxious, and other people would misinterpret those behaviours as being negative personality traits, which then creates a kind of spiral of negative experiences.

I think opening up about the anxieties is maybe a key ingredient in recovery?
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  #16  
Old 28th September 2023, 20:13
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^ definitely - removing the shame and embarrassment is crucial. And having others who are cool about it all and get that sometimes I'm a bit shit at remembering to reply and find it hard to initiate things.

I struggle with socialising with people I'm friends with at work outside of work, which is weird. It's like as soon as we are out of the work environment I feel like it's a different situation and I don't have a relatable social or family life to others. The things to chat about change. That's where I struggle and clam up because it's like I can't contribute, if that makes sense - so I guess the shame creeps in?
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  #17  
Old 30th September 2023, 16:57
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Love that phrase AL. I was like that when I was young. Maybe if I was expected to use my brain more I'd still do that.
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  #18  
Old 30th September 2023, 17:11
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuits
^ definitely - removing the shame and embarrassment is crucial. And having others who are cool about it all and get that sometimes I'm a bit shit at remembering to reply and find it hard to initiate things.

I struggle with socialising with people I'm friends with at work outside of work, which is weird. It's like as soon as we are out of the work environment I feel like it's a different situation and I don't have a relatable social or family life to others. The things to chat about change. That's where I struggle and clam up because it's like I can't contribute, if that makes sense - so I guess the shame creeps in?
Thank you for your advice and thoughts about it Biscuits

I had my first in-person day for my MA yesterday and whenever I have thought about it (apart from getting a horrible jolt of anxiety) I've pictured myself separating myself from other people and not interacting and just trying to hide my anxiety as I always have.
There was definitely some of that, and because other people always seem to bond so quickly and have lots to talk about, definitely some moments of thinking "well they all hate me already"
But I just tried to stay, and I went to the pub for the welcome buffet, which I'd already planned to dodge, and I told a few people that I was autistic and getting very tired, and they didn't really bat an eye or quizz me or anything, and one lady even got me some cake, because I was kind of stuck in a corner. It did feel better because although I did go mute really, and very tired, I felt like people were understanding why, rather than making up their own reasons for it.
It's going to be a struggle to keep being open as it's so unfamiliar (plus it's something my own family, as in parents etc. don't acknowledge, so I still feel a lot of shame around being autistic) but I definitely want to keep trying.

I really relate to clamming up when shame creeps in. I was able to chat quite a lot about things that were similar, as the people I was talking to had families and are also coming back to Uni after a huge gap, doing other things. But then as they talked more about successful businesses and jobs and just things that made them seem much more adult and capable, I just went quiet.
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  #19  
Old 1st October 2023, 11:15
biscuits biscuits is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

^ that's amazing, Merry :D

You challenged yourself to be open about what was happening to you in the moment and it's lovely that others were supportive. And you pushed through those feelings of preferring to avoid going to the buffet.

The going mute and feeling tired is completely understandable because it was a huge day with unpredictable and unstructured times - as well as the run up to it and it all culminating.

Hopefully keeping open and things slowly becoming familiar will help over time.

I feel proud of you as I read your post, Merry and hope you have a sense of pride too
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  #20  
Old 1st October 2023, 11:29
Merry Merry is offline
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Default Re: Selective mutism

Thank you!
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