quiet people ...I sometimes find them sort of annoying

[Lone Dog]

I remember at my first job, one day we had some students in, and the boss was showing them round, and then showing them what me and my workmate did. The workmate did a bit of chatting to them, and then came out with the following 'although he never says anything' and pointed to me! I was shocked. We got on OK and I did talk to him, so I was stunned. Perhaps quiet people, even if we make the effort to talk, in our own minds, still don't meet others' expectations unless we are talking as much as they do?

I think you have to be polite & tolerant and give SA people an atmosphere in which they can feel comfortable enough to be themselves, whatever level of conversation they wish to do.

Defiance, would you be annoyed if that person did not stop talking? I'm sure you would, so it could be worse.

[AnathemA]

Why are we having a go at Defiance for something he posted a year and a half ago? Would you like it if your posts from ages ago were dredged up and people started criticising you for them?

[hardy]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Because even people without SA can be incredibly insecure. Often I think people who talk a lot when they meet someone who doesn't talk a lot just assume it's because the other person doesn't like them and/or is rude and can't be bothered.

It's just very difficult for some people who have totally different perspectives on things to be able to even comprehend what it is going on in the minds of people that are different to them.

I think this is spot on . This subject is very important because its closer to what is REALLY going on . Though people are not particularly hostile they just avoid what is different. Most dont mean to be unkind.

[Winter]

i must admit i would kinda get annoyed in ur situation defiance.



i mean he has no probs chatting to this girl, maybe he just fancies her, yet he cant really chat to u? mind u im prob a hypocrit cos im really quiet but i do chat to ppl at work even if it is short.



end of the day i wouldnt let it worry u, id prob give him the silent treatment
when he asks u something, just once just to spite him lol 'oh sorry i didnt hear u'

[GoldFish]

Originally Posted by Winter

i must admit i would kinda get annoyed in ur situation defiance.



i mean he has no probs chatting to this girl, maybe he just fancies her, yet he cant really chat to u? mind u im prob a hypocrit cos im really quiet but i do chat to ppl at work even if it is short.



end of the day i wouldnt let it worry u, id prob give him the silent treatment
when he asks u something, just once just to spite him lol 'oh sorry i didnt hear u'

why though? why should you be resentful of someone who is clearly either shy or uncomfortable? where is your empathy and i aim that at alot of people in this thread. you all seem to find it threatening and sort of make fun of it. i work with a team that arnt that shy and even they seem to have empathy and respect for the quieter staff members.

nothing wrong with shy people or loud people to me anyway. thats the beauty of people, everyone is different.

[W!llow]

dredged from the depths!

I have I admit at times in the past had similar feelings. My reason is that I found socialising very hard but I tended to put myself out though I could be on the verge of having a bad anxiety attack. I used to feel that because I have always felt that I need to make that effort and did that it was almost like it was expected. Certain people who were very quiet for instance but I got the feeling they expected something from me, I can't explain it. This is weird because I can be very quiet and do find socialising hard. I suppose I resented the fact that I felt I had to be the one to put the effort in despite having what, I felt, a much more obvious (visible) anxiety about it. The thing is I didn't have to be the one at all that is just how I felt. I generally try to stop myself from going overboard trying and just take things as they come more. As it wasn't the person but the discomfort I felt that I didn't like. I've let go quite a lot, though I still have moments of trying too hard, at least my quiet times are more dignified. I think it is just recognising for one thing people don't have to talk to us, but in the case where something is arranged and so conversation is obviously expected that we are not solely responsible and silence is o.k. Golden in fact!
In recent years I find certain elements of social interaction harder than ever and I understand the quietness more. Whereas before it was all about the anxiety attacks, avoiding them, trying to cope with them, I now am much more aware of my social ineptitude so at times I'm sure I must be frustratingly quiet.

[Torca Marda]

It's an understandable reaction. I'd get upset with a quiet person too if I was in a groupwork situation where everyone was conferring and brainstorming, and it looked like said quiet person wasn't pulling his/her weight.

[GoldFish]

Originally Posted by Torca Marda

It's an understandable reaction. I'd get upset with a quiet person too if I was in a groupwork situation where everyone was conferring and brainstorming, and it looked like said quiet person wasn't pulling his/her weight.

again with the zero empathy.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Torca Marda

It's an understandable reaction. I'd get upset with a quiet person too if I was in a groupwork situation where everyone was conferring and brainstorming, and it looked like said quiet person wasn't pulling his/her weight.

I often tend to be that very person when in groupwork settings. I did safeguarding training a couple of months ago when I was in a period of extreme anxiety and depression. I really struggled, and although I managed to get through, I was very quiet and contributed far less than I'd have liked.

To be honest, I've never noticed anyone getting upset or bothered by my lack of input, but if I did I could probably understand some mild irritation from the odd person or two. Simply because I annoy the hell out of myself when I don't contribute, so I could understand if I irritated one or two others over the years I've had to do group work.

On that last course I did, my table had two deaf ladies on it who could only contribute via helpers who signed everything for them. Both contributed brilliantly, whilst I contributed virtually nothing of note. I felt a right idiot, but just glad I got through the day intact because my anxiety etc was through the roof.

Mind you, on another training day, when I was feeling mentally a lot healthier, I never shut up. It was on self-harm, and as an ex self-harmer I felt able to contribute a lot more.

I suppose group dynamics mean that there will always be some who are far more vocal than others, for whatever reason on the day.

[hardy]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

why though? why should you be resentful of someone who is clearly either shy or uncomfortable? where is your empathy and i aim that at alot of people in this thread. you all seem to find it threatening and sort of make fun of it. i work with a team that arnt that shy and even they seem to have empathy and respect for the quieter staff members.

nothing wrong with shy people or loud people to me anyway. thats the beauty of people, everyone is different.

seems to me there are alot of people around here who need to get out more.

The point is that its gut feeling thats at work here .Even though if we have SA we theoretically ought to be able to empathise ( most of us do most of the time) we are still subject to innate emotional response . Think how it must be harder for a none SA person to fight that gut feeling

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by hardy

The point is that its gut feeling thats at work here .Even though if we have SA we theoretically ought to be able to empathise ( most of us do most of the time) we are still subject to innate emotional response . Think how it must be harder for a none SA person to fight that gut feeling

Very good point. With a none SA person who gets on in the world fairly well what is their motivation for being empathetic? We SA'ers often have to develop empathy just to get by and help us come to terms with our issues but if you're socially successful there really is no need to give a toss about figuring out why the quiet person doesn't want to talk to us. We can just react emotionally and move on. It's like being born rich, why give a toss about poor people if it never effects you?

Originally Posted by Moomin

I've been complimented on being easy to talk to many times by quiet people. Maybe he knows that girl isn't bothered about whether she gets a massive answer all the time and thats why he relaxed with her and began to open up.

I think that's important to take into account too. Some people are just more comfortable talking to certain people for whatever reason. I've tried myself talking to someone and thinking this isn't working, and then someone else talks to them but they manage to open them up without seeming to do anything particularly different. It's just one of those things, maybe that guy defiance tried talking too is intimidated by him and prefers talking to girls. Some women don't like talking to guys, someone women don't like talking to other girls and are much more comfortable talking to guys. It all depends on the individual. I met a girl at a club once and we were just chatting and she mentioned that younger guys never talked to her. And I asked why and she said she reckoned they were intimidated by her height (she was pretty tall 5'11"). But she was really friendly and if they'd taken the time to talk to her they would have found that out. It's just one of those things.

[Torca Marda]

Originally Posted by GoldFish

again with the zero empathy.

Zero empathy? The point of my post was to present a different POV - the POV of a potential socially functional person when confronted with a socially dysfunctional person. If I had "zero empathy", I wouldn't be able to conceive of a different point of view.

[Sea]

I can't understand why there is such a big reaction to this thread - though maybe it is the provocative title, lol, which the OP must have known would cause this reaction.

But surely as people with SA, we have to acknowledge that we can be...err, rather hard work to a more socially-outgoing person? Or even to another person with SA, as is the case here. It doesn't surprise me at all that people might find me annoying or uncomfortable to be around because of my quietness. Heaven knows, I even annoy myself.

Originally Posted by ebonyeyes

Defiance maybe he just does,nt like you.

^Yes, this occurred to me too. Though I thought maybe he just does not like people in general? That's where I am at in life, anti-social misery that I am . I am often extremely quiet with people that I just don't see the point in even trying with (the majority of folk). I'm sure they feel annoyed too. Or more likely they aren't remotely bothered

[bornthisway]

Somewhat I agree, but I can certainly tolerate them because I am one myself. For example, in one of my classes I sit next to these two really quiet girls who only really talk when we are doing discussions or activities in groups
Needless to say I'm probably the loudest out the three, but it does intimidate me when I start a conversation with one of them and it goes practically nowhere. Still, I can relate because I was at a similar point a few years ago too :P

[Blumoon]

Originally Posted by So long and thanks for all the fish

Though I thought maybe he just does not like people in general? That's where I am at in life, anti-social misery that I am . I am often extremely quiet with people that I just don't see the point in even trying with (the majority of folk). I'm sure they feel annoyed too. Or more likely they aren't remotely bothered

or maybe he is selectively mute like some people (i was)

[Mr. Nobody]

Originally Posted by Rufus

, I remember the TV show where Fay whatshername with the Manchester accent put shy people into room 101 because they irritated her

Fay Ripley,..yeah,..that was a long time ago,.
I remember that show, and I remember being upset by what she said and I've hated her ever since for that lol !
she was really horrible on that show, and I remember feeling really bad about what she had to say, and realising what an awful cow she was.

* I think I've just repeated myself *

[W!llow]

Originally Posted by So long and thanks for all the fish

But surely as people with SA, we have to acknowledge that we can be...err, rather hard work to a more socially-outgoing person? Or even to another person with SA, as is the case here. It doesn't surprise me at all that people might find me annoying or uncomfortable to be around because of my quietness. Heaven knows, I even annoy myself.

I agree I would say there is potential for the situation to be more frustrating to someone who also finds it hard, because of being uncomfortable yourself and not having the gift of the gab. A lot of people on the forum also find very extrovert people annoying so it cuts both ways. (ooh the idioms are in full force today)

Talking of those group type situations reminds me of doing roleplay in groups and freezing, I ended up having an anxiety attack and escaping to the loos.

I remember that crap chat show someone posted about shy people deliberately getting other people to do the work I don't think that's true at all it really irritated me, but don't you think there are maybe some people that are a bit like that, that expect other people to put all the effort in, but if you didn't they would think something was wrong with you, not them? Some people do seem to have that almost 'I'm bored' mentality but they don't try to do anything about it, but somehow expect to be amused. I don't think it's quietness but a certain attitude that can be annoying. The people I've met from this forum I didn't feel had this attitude I'm talking about some seemed amazingly social creatures but the quieter and the more obviously anxious were still approachable I didn't get that vibe off anyone. (don't want to cause any paranoia as I'm definitely not talking about anyone I've met from here).

[marki]

Maybe we would be more open to other peoples thoughts and opinions of us if they weren't put across in such a rude, blunt and dismissive way. Constructive criticism seems to be such a rarity.

[slive]

He could probably make a bit more of an effort to at least continue conversation when you initiate but it's not always easy. I'm much better in my current workplace but where I worked before I was surrounded by really loud people who I had very little in common with and I really struggled to find common ground with them, so I kind of just gave up in the end. My current co-workers are more intelligent and approachable and I find myself wanting to speak to them.

To be honest I think if most people want to speak then they will try to. I have days at work where I'm very anti social and it's nothing really personal against anyone else, I just can't be bothered talking!

[Narwhal]

I can understand to a certain extent. I find it's easier to talk to chattier people as I don't have to make so much effort in a conversation.
When I was doing my A levels, which was over 2 years ago now, there was a girl I was friends with who was quieter then me. I liked her yes, but sometimes it was alot of effort. I gave her a chance though because I understood why she was like that. We had another friend who was very out going, who complained to me about the other girl and told me she thought she hated her cause she wasn't "open enough" with her.
Anyway, now 2 years later I'm still friends with the quiet girl and she is awesome. Giving her patience and understanding has paid off and she's very chatty and bubbly with me now, she has a great sense of humour, and is probably the most caring person I know! The out going girl I guess gave up on her as she was too demanding, and doesn't get to have a friend like that .

[Defiance]

oh and the people giving me suggestions etc..., you should know that this thread is very old and i don't even work there any more, and before that yes, i did get put back to working with the other girl (which i wanted), but the main reason i wanted to move back was not because of him ..it was because the hours were more convenient to me and the job was easier to do and i didn't get forced into unpaid overtime every other day


as for the guy, do i think he was trying to be rude/annoying? NO
but was he appearing this way? HELL YES

SA or no SA but when you do stuff like not say hello and ALWAYS each and every time wait for the other person to do it first, people begin to notice and it does come across as rude. heck even with my knowledge of SA that the guy probably isn't doing deliberately i still cannot shake of that reaction of really not liking it. when you constantly have a face like a smacked bum, people do tend to get that niggling feeling that you might possibly have issues with them. i don't think he had a problem with me because he was like that with pretty much everyone, but still ...i am still left feeling with a bad taste in my mouth when he comes into work, ignores me, i say hello to him in a friendly manor and he grumbles a half hearted response with a face that looks as about as inviting as a bulldogs. i think it is beneficial for people to look at themselves and speculate how they may come across to others, alot of people here complain that they have trouble making friends etc and that people don't like them etc..

in college i remember my SA made a girl who was quite friendly with me at first go off me. i could see that she was starting to go off me, and i couldn't blame her really. my actions were probably similarish to the guy i mentioned in this thread. it was good for this to happen to me tbh, and see what my actions were doing. since then no one has been friendly with me and then gone off me in that fashion again so i guess i learn't my lesson.


i do wonder perhaps if quiet girls have a harder time with SA. with girls i think it is more likely that quietness will be perceived as stuckupness (especially if she is pretty) and if people think you are quiet because you think you are better than them then they are likely to be hostile towards you.


but back to the initial point, this thread is very old. i don't even work there anymore. probably will ask for it to be locked/deleted soon rather than leave it drifting around only to have someone like goldfish bump it years later and start taking digs cause of bad past experiences.

[Dandelion10]

I don't have a problem with quiet people as such but I do take issue with spineless people and often with teenagers.

I remember once arriving at work late and knocking on the door. I was out there for a good half hour until the older guys who bring the deliveries in opened the back gate.

The manager was still in his office and on the shop floor were a small group of teenagers just stood watching the front door never venturing across to the other side of the store, some looking at one another. I was so pissed of at their cowardice.

I may have SA but I wouldn't say I'm shy and I will step up to the plate it I have to in fact these days when I do mornings I am usually the only one who answers the door.

They are the same teenagers who look at me in pity everyday and give me that almost consolation smile with down-cast eyes. I'm sure they're good kids but their lack of incentive and automatic pity when they don't really know me does start to annoy me.

[Silversun1]

Originally Posted by becky1789

You'd find me annoying.

And me