I can't see how I'll ever be able to work or be around people ever again.

[!>Y\e5l-%h-NMw>cH]

And I would love to able to just accept this but I can't.

How many of you here truely believe that you'll never work again or be able to be social again?

The more I think of trying to better myself the more depressed I get because no matter what, I do not believe that I can change.

The belief just isn't there!

I'm 31 years old and I've lived like this for far, far too long.

My nerves are shot! I'm like someone with PTSD.

The only way I can cope with life is to block out the real world and let other people do everything for me. Which means in fact I'm not coping with anything.

I'm so on the edge, and I'm just regressing back to being a child the longer I live like this, but I honestly can't see a way out.

I have every form of bastard anxiety known to man and depression for years.

I AM anxiety and depression.

Both are like a vital artery in my body that I cannot live without.

That's how strong they are.

When I read a lot of your posts I realise that even here I am an outcast and I'm still alone.

Overall, I cannot stop thinking that I was born to be just one big joke and it is my destiny to be like this.

People always made me feel like a joke and some even said that I was destined to be a feck up for life, and so far they've been right.

There is absolutely nothing I like about myself.

My mind and body is breaking down and I'm slowly making myself worse and worse.

I have no desire to do anything that I'm actually capable of and I'm not capable of much anyway.

I don't know why I'm typing this because it's all bollocks.

I'm still alone.

I'm trying to get the courage to see my doctor and the anticipation anxiety is just making me feel terrible because I have so many health problems and so many thing's I need to tell him.

I know that no matter what I'll be an absolute nervous wreck if I try and face him or anyone else.

I just cannot present myself in a normal state whatsoever to anyone because I'm such a fragile mess.

So anyway, I know that I'm never going to be able to work again or be around people.

It's just not going to happen but I can't let it go.

I need to be able to accept that my problems are terminal but I can't.

[barrett]

I knew someone who was so ill she was pretty much catatonic for about 7 years. to have even turned on a computer and stayed sat at a desk would have been impossible. there was nothing in this persons life at all. for all those years she didn't even watch tv. just lay there staring at the wall. after all these years of anti psychotics, TCAs, sleeping pills, anti depressants, mood stablisers, and everything else, I reliased that for a person to get better they more than just pills and therapy. they need support and understanding. so I dedicated my life to being supportive and understanding. every day I'd sit with her. every day I'd make her proper food. every day I'd try get her up if only for a minute. every day I'd encourage her to get up a little bit earlier. over a year she gradually went from barely being able to get up at all, to being a normal person. she's now off all the anti psychotics, all the anti depressants, all the sleeping pills, and only take one mood stabliser a day. she's perfectly happy, does everything a normal person can do. so dont think something is impossible just because something looks bleak right now. with a million tiny gradual improvements, a person can be transformed.

"The greatest error is to say that you are weak, that you are a sinner, a miserable creature, and that you have no power and you cannot do this and that."

[!>Y\e5l-%h-NMw>cH]

Thanks barret for that positive and amazing story.

"The greatest error is to say that you are weak, that you are a sinner, a miserable creature, and that you have no power and you cannot do this and that."

I used to be the opposite of this and did once believe in myself.

It must be in me somewhere to bring this out of me again.

The constant thought's of I can't, I can't, I can't need to stop!

How many of you here truely believe that you'll never work again or be able to be social again?

I'm 31, I've never worked and never had a social life of any description, I feel pretty damn sure that I never will but I can't know that, I can't know what's around the corner and what the future holds and that's what keeps me going

And I would love to able to just accept this but I can't.

So anyway, I know that I'm never going to be able to work again or be around people.
It's just not going to happen but I can't let it go.

I need to be able to accept that my problems are terminal but I can't.

The fact that you can't just accept those facts is highly significant surely? Seems like a very positive sign to me

I know that no matter what I'll be an absolute nervous wreck if I try and face him or anyone else.
I just cannot present myself in a normal state whatsoever to anyone because I'm such a fragile mess.

So? You're ill, no one could expect you to come across as confident and "normal", I'm generally a blubbering mess when I see my gp but if it means that he sees an honest representation of how bad I am then that's a good thing. You are dealing with a crippling disorder, don't beat yourself up, you need and deserve to get help. Please, please do

Take care

[teacheraid]

Im totally hearing you.My heart goes out to you

And this is not going to being a post saying everything will work out just fine.

Alot of the time I feel the same, and it does feel like some torturous awful bad life. But life shouldnt be THIS HARD.

But SA does have stages..I am working, but I havent always.From the time I left highschool, I didnt work for five years, then I met a boy, fell in love, found the motivation to change my life, went and forced myself to do a two day bar course, the guy running it, said he has never seen anyone so nervous making a cocktail

But I stuck it out, terrifyingly got a job in a bar, which was a disaster, got a job in another bar that wasnt so flash, got a tiny bit of confidence,was still having shaky hands when pulling pints.. eventually, I became a very good barmaid, and worked at quite a few different pubs, nothing fancy.Did that for a few years, still had aspects of SA.

Then went through a bad patch,relationship finished, stopped working, got really low again, didnt work for years, became housebound (I HAVE AVOIDANT BEHAVIOUR BIG TIME) now I am working again, partime, have been for so many years, I still have SA, i do struggle with the people at my work, I struggle talking to them, but i have got a bit more comfortable.

So its not a everthing will turn out roses post, but things do change, even a little bit, for some others, something happens, and major changes happen.

I was very anti medication for quite sometime, ironically I used to pop recreational drugs for years at the weekends...but I was very scared of medication. I now know I need it, I am resigned to the fact, that my depression was so severe from the stuggle with SA.
that I needed medication and will stay on it forever.

You sound depressed, I dont know if you have tried therapy, medication??

[Lone Dog]

Hello Frustration!, I nearly started ticking things off on your post because I've had the same things myself.

If you could put together a mini-list of say 2 or 3 things that you would like to accomplish soon, what would they be? I know for myself that I have to have an end goal in sight, otherwise trundling along for no reason is just pointless. Make point 1 a visit to your Dr. You're a tough customer, you're still here, others would have considered harming themselves by now, so you can do it. That would be a good step towards working on points 2 and 3, which would involve what sort of things would you like to do every day.

ps Seeing your Dr and being nervous is ok, it's no shame. It's not your fault, you are doing your best under difficult circumstances and will deserve credit for being there.

[Warrior Spirit]

Salutations Frustration,

I assume you created this thread to get some advice and help from people. So I hope you don't mind the advice and help I give you. I am honest and considerate. I understand the pain you are in and I have nothing but empathy for you, but I also understand one of the causes for the pain you are in, is your own internal self-talk. I would invite you read your post over and over again, until you start noticing just how negative, limiting and destructive your self-talk is to you. Until you continue to tell yourself this, I am afraid, your worst prediction will come true: You will not improve. You will remain just as you are, and maybe even worse.

I especially want to focus on this:

I AM anxiety and depression.

Both are like a vital artery in my body that I cannot live without.

If you are anxiety and depression, if they really are your vital arteries in your body, then you will always be that, otherwise you will be dead. There is no scope for change here, because you chosen to identify yourself with the pain. Now you have become that pain. And because you have become the pain, the possibility of lessening that pain, is actually an undermining and attack on who you are.

I think you will find upon more cooler self-analysis that you are not really anxiety and depression, because there will be times in your day to day life where there will be no anxiety or depression or significantly less. There maybe times, rare though they may seem, where you are actually happy, enjoying something. I strongly doubt in 31 years of your entire life you had not had these moments.
Yet your statement above seems to suggest you have an amnesia about these moments. It is far more easier to notice the negative moments in our life, than the positive moments. But this does not mean the positive moments never happened. I would invite you then to make a note of the positive moments in your day to day life. And also remember the positive moments in your whole life.

If you do this honestly you will immediately realise you are not anxiety and depression, because there are times when you feel positive as well. This may help you realise anxiety and depression is something that is associated with you at the moment, rather than it being you. Then there is scope for change and improvement. If something is associated with you, it is then by definition not you. This means this association can be broken. In this context, your association is with anxiety and depression, thus there is a possibility to completely eliminate anxiety and depression in you.

I know it is not easy and I am not going to pretend it is easy. It is possible though and even doable. Something tells me you don't really believe in the negative self-talk you wrote in your post, and that you actually do really want to change and your post on this forum is your bid to do that. You just want some help, advice and support, which this forum can definitely provide. However, for that help, advice and support to have any effect, you will need to shift your perspective and start to believe that change is definitely possible and you are not really anxiety and depression.

The next step is to take to the path of change and self-development and stick to it. Keep going at your anxiety and depression and hit it with everything you can find. I have tried so many things with my SA, and though the SA is still there, it is much weaker than ever before, due to it getting so many blows from me.

Wishing you a good and swift recovery,

Warrior Spirit

[Mr_Bean]

I could have written your post as it is so similar. Difference though is that I am working, just even that is not really nearer any form of solice. Not sure what to say really as I'm finding my environment at the moment very tough. I'll maybe just suggest looking for voluntary work or a course. Work-wise you can keep yourself to yourself but it's always very tough. I hid away for a few years and it's quite astonishing what I have to relearn, that is all I can say really.

[!>Y\e5l-%h-NMw>cH]

Thanks for the words people.

There's a lot of sense in these posts.

The biggest problem for me now though is dealing with a physical illness as well as my emotional problems.

I'm so frustrated having to deal with both of these issues.

Anyway thanks for the kind words and advice.

Sorry about not answering posts in more detail.

I'm so tired right now.

[teacheraid]

Originally Posted by Warrior Spirit

Salutations Frustration,

I assume you created this thread to get some advice and help from people. So I hope you don't mind the advice and help I give you. I am honest and considerate. I understand the pain you are in and I have nothing but empathy for you, but I also understand one of the causes for the pain you are in, is your own internal self-talk. I would invite you read your post over and over again, until you start noticing just how negative, limiting and destructive your self-talk is to you. Until you continue to tell yourself this, I am afraid, your worst prediction will come true: You will not improve. You will remain just as you are, and maybe even worse.

I especially want to focus on this:



If you are anxiety and depression, if they really are your vital arteries in your body, then you will always be that, otherwise you will be dead. There is no scope for change here, because you chosen to identify yourself with the pain. Now you have become that pain. And because you have become the pain, the possibility of lessening that pain, is actually an undermining and attack on who you are.

I think you will find upon more cooler self-analysis that you are not really anxiety and depression, because there will be times in your day to day life where there will be no anxiety or depression or significantly less. There maybe times, rare though they may seem, where you are actually happy, enjoying something. I strongly doubt in 31 years of your entire life you had not had these moments.
Yet your statement above seems to suggest you have an amnesia about these moments. It is far more easier to notice the negative moments in our life, than the positive moments. But this does not mean the positive moments never happened. I would invite you then to make a note of the positive moments in your day to day life. And also remember the positive moments in your whole life.

If you do this honestly you will immediately realise you are not anxiety and depression, because there are times when you feel positive as well. This may help you realise anxiety and depression is something that is associated with you at the moment, rather than it being you. Then there is scope for change and improvement. If something is associated with you, it is then by definition not you. This means this association can be broken. In this context, your association is with anxiety and depression, thus there is a possibility to completely eliminate anxiety and depression in you.

I know it is not easy and I am not going to pretend it is easy. It is possible though and even doable. Something tells me you don't really believe in the negative self-talk you wrote in your post, and that you actually do really want to change and your post on this forum is your bid to do that. You just want some help, advice and support, which this forum can definitely provide. However, for that help, advice and support to have any effect, you will need to shift your perspective and start to believe that change is definitely possible and you are not really anxiety and depression.

The next step is to take to the path of change and self-development and stick to it. Keep going at your anxiety and depression and hit it with everything you can find. I have tried so many things with my SA, and though the SA is still there, it is much weaker than ever before, due to it getting so many blows from me.

Wishing you a good and swift recovery,

Warrior Spirit

Good advice, alot of what you have said is true

[colliver19]

I have been diagnosed with having avoidant personality disorder and my psychiatrist has told me many times 'it's part of you', so I know what your feeling and in someways I have accepted that this is my life. Sometimes acceptance is more healing than fighting, although I always hope things will eventually change, which I believe they could.

[!>Y\e5l-%h-NMw>cH]

I've read everyones posts in this thread but I dont want people to think that I'm rude by not replying to everyone.

I created this thread out of frustration but there's been some good advice in it.

I feel a bit better now so thanks for all your words people.

[Rae]

Hi Frustration,

I just wanted to say that I had a physical illness too, for 7 years. I had Fibromyalgia, I was in so much physical pain, it was hell, sometimes I could only sleep every other night and there were times when I would be up 3 days in a row with no sleep and just terrible pain. I was alos bulimic, cliniically depressed, a self harmer, tried to commit suicide about 7 times. Ended up in two different hospitals to keep me safe from harming myself, I wasn't sectioned but came very close. I also had a psychological addiction to alcohol and drugs and would be drunk/off my face most days. Plus I got dumped a total of 4 times and hadn'ta friend in the world. I know what you mean when you feel there is no hope left. All I can say is that it can change. The only problem I have left now is my SA and after all that, it's a hell of a journey to take. I know that you absolutely can have a different life. It's about taking small steps (and I mean small) and building yourself up. You will have days when you feel like giving up (I still do). You will feel what's the point, it's too hard, I can't do this, I'm not strong enough and like you said that you think your illnesses are who you are. This absolutely isn't true. I know that you are the kind of man who says something nice to a girl when she's feeling down about herself, and someone who cares about how other people are feeling which is an incredible place to start. Sounds to me as if you have alot to offer the world and the world needs more people like you. The place where It all started for me was that little voice that I had inside of me that hadn't yet given up, the same voice I heard in your thread. I think the first step to take is what you said, which is to the doctors. If you ever want someone to talk to then please don't hesitate to contact me!! You live with an awful lot which goes to show the strong gutsy individual you are. x

[!>Y\e5l-%h-NMw>cH]

Thanks girls.

I'm feeling alright at the mo and was just letting off some steam with this thread.

Rae, I've just PM'd you.