Smita

Hi. I’ve never posted on the board before. I’ve got mild SA. If you met me you’d probably think I’m coping with life well - but inside I’m full of fear and dread and I’m always analying, replaying or rehearsing everything. When I was younger I felt much better about myself and achievements. I’ve lost my confidence after having a child and taking a break from work for a few years. I’m a mum of 42 with a 5 year old and a weary husband. On a bad day my husband sees my SA as some kind of bizarre, egotistical, self-centred escapism – i.e. I only think about me, about what people think about me, I have to get over the teenage/childhood/homelife traumas that have made me like this, I’m running away from life, I should pull myself together, etc.

I feel a bit of a failure because I lost close friends and family that I had for years and I haven’t been able to replace them. I think I have developed a hang up about not having close friends. It made me feel worthless, because now, when I meet new people and start to get closer to them, it becomes obvious after a while that I don’t have many friends or an interesting social life. Before I could mention my friends in conversations and feel attractive because I was liked/loved and had a colourful life. What did you do LAST weekend/What are you up too THIS weekend are questions that I dread these days. Most of our events are just me and my child going here and there. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about bumping into parents or neighbours when I’m shopping or just walking down the road with my son, because I’m paranoid that they’ll think: she’s always alone with her kid, don’t either of them have any friends – what kind of life do they lead – poor kid. Lately, I have started to socialize with other mums and their kids and visit eachother’s houses after school. It’s going well and I’m pleased but it’s nerve wracking and the effort is draining. I’m not a naturally sociable person unless I can talk about my real problems, like I am here. The mum’s that I’m attracted too are quite scary because they are confident, opinionated and comfortable with who they are. I feel wishy washy and different to them. My husband also has many friends that we socialize with most of them are his business clients that we need to keep a polite and professional relationship with. I know the answer is to be myself and open up to people. It’s so hard to do and I so afraid of rejection and becoming an object of weird fascination. Still I’m taking one day at a time.

I’ve read a few threads on the board about parents who have difficulty making friendships with other parents and the responsibility of giving their kids a good social life. I really relate to all of that plus the problems with the playground cliques.

I’d love to hear from any parents or anyone who relates to any of this. I live in London if anyone wants to meet up separately or go on one of the London meets in the future.

Take care

Love Smita

tentontruck@yahoo.co.uk [2 edits; Last edit by anne123456 at 21:59:51 Sun Jun 27 2004]

Hi smita, welcome to the board.

Like you, I think that I put on a pretty good face on the outside so when people meet me they probably think I'm doing fine, even when I'm stressed out of my mind. Don't feel like a failure because you don't have close friends right now. Since you had friends in the past, you obviously know how to be a friend. Having a kid changes just about everything so you have changed as well, that can make people more distant. It's good that you're making the effort to meet mum's. I bet they aren't always confident. People don't reveal what makes them insecure until they know you for a while.

I have made a few friends from the baby group I've gone to. We meet at the park and play with the kids and so forth. I don't want to raise my daughter in isolation. Lol, I think I've found the neurotic moms in the area-we always talk about what's worrying us about the kids.

I live in California so I don't think I'll be making any meetings in London in the near future. (Emote: wave) Good luck, smita.
Shawa

Awww Smita I hope things improve for you. I can relate completely to your problems. I have very few friends and even fewer that I can confide in... It is sad but we can fight it. I'm now taking some meds, and I've aranged for some CBT through my doctor and I'm forcing myself to be responsible for my own happiness and life. This meant breaking away from my partner who was fairly damaging to my mental health in many ways, I was incredibly dependant on him for everything which became very damaging to me, him and Joel my 13 month old son. I am terrified of being alone but I hope that by achieving independace I can be a better mother and person - and be happier for it. Its very hard and I'm very thankful for this site, which gives me the courage to get better and picks me up when I lose site of my goal.

I used to live in London myself and I still visit occasionally. It would be lovely to meet up and help each other out a bit (Emote: smile)

My email address (for anyone who wants to contact me) is lawriehatton@blueyonder.co.uk

Azi (Emote: smile)

Shawa, thanks for your support from across the miles! Yes, you’re right, I am making good progress, I’m nervous but I’m still doing it and I’ll remember to give myself more credit for it. This week I’m visiting a mum who I’ve been bumping into for the last couple of years but never linked up with before. Also meeting another girlfriend this week that I made friends with recently and another mum the week after. These are all fairly new friends and the meetings are at the back of my mind and I’m a bit edgy, but I’m OK. I discovered last week that the good thing about meeting up with people who make me very nervous is that if I then meet up with people who make me a little nervous, I feel very comfortable with them in comparison!! It’s all good for my confidence – keeps me moving forward one step at a time.

Smita

Azi, wow, you’re a strong woman. Good for you. A mum needs to be strong to cope alone and you sound like you’re doing a great job. I know what you mean about dependence. SA and dependence seem to go together, I’ve been there. I’ve think I’ve done the best thing, coming to this site. It’s lovely to talk to people who can understand. Next time you’re in London, it would be lovely to get together.

Smita