Cannot do this any more

[Jam]

Over the last 2 months I haven't been feeling great, but over the last 3 of weeks I've hit rock bottom to the point where suicidal thoughts seem more real than usual.

My anxiety and OCD have now taken me to the darkest period of my life, and I have no idea how I will get over this. Especially as my anxiety/OCD is now severely effecting my sleep.

On top of all this, being a parent to 2 young children is currently overwhelming me.

I can't also continue my job when feeling this, but I can't leave as we desperately need money.

I don't know how to handle this, I'm so defeated. For the first time I genuinely want to end my life, but i can't bare to do that to my family.

[Dougella]

Jam I'm so sorry you're finding things so tough. Can you go and see your GP and ask about being referred for some mental health support? Or even could you afford to find a private therapist to talk everything through with?

[Aelwyn]

I would say call the Samaritans on 116123.

They won't judge you and it's totally anonymous. It can make a big difference getting another person's perspective.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Kooky Monster

Are you currently on any medication for your anxiety, Jam? Might be worth discussing with your GP (as well as mental health support Dougella mentioned) especially if it's effecting your sleep. Something taking the edge off might make the rest feel somewhat more manageable and less overwhelming.

Yes, I agree. In general i’m against pills, but they can be a lifeline. Sorry to hear how bad things have become Jam. You certainly aren’t alone (I share your feelings about insomnia - it just makes everything so much worse).

[anxiouslondoner]

Hope you can hold on in there Jam, you've got family and people who care about you and don't want to see anything bad happen to you!
Is there no way you can take a break from it all for a while?
Sorry I don't really have any advice but just wanted to give some support.

[Utopia]

I know what depression and suicidal feelings are like, try to do what's right for your family - that would be the right thing to do on every level, try and think things through and seek help and advice from your GP and other people who you can rely on and trust but I guess you have a greater responsibility to keep it together, so direct it towards solving the problems, life is a real pain when you can't sleep. The only thing that helped my sleep was Mirtazepine but it does have odd side effects - like causing hunger cravings soon after taking it at night - but less severe than OCD compulsions anyway and it has been knocking me out nearly without fail for the past 5 years now, which sounds like a bad thing but with an over active mind, it helps with normality a bit more and keeping a good sleep routine.

[Jam]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and advice, I truly appreciate it. I've taken your advice I booked a gp appt, saw him yesterday. He is going to refer me to the mental health team. He also wanted me to go to a&e and be seen by a mental health liaison person as he was concerned about my suicide ideations, but I couldn't as I had parent duties to attend to later that day. He was a lovely doctor. I burst into tears as soon as I mentioned that I really hope my 6 year old doesn't pick up on that fact that I'm unwell. She's having the most happiest childhood, and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if my illness ruins it for her.

I can't tell if I'm feeling any better or not. I have had better sleep since, thank God, but I can't tell if my anxiety is improving. It's like I'm living in my head lately, my mind is ruminating like crazy and I'm so entangled with them and I can't distant myself from them and focus on the external world.

In regards to meds, I tried them years ago, it made my anxiety a lot worse, so I stopped them, only took them for a month. Since then I've always been fearful of any sort of meds. But what I have been taking since Sunday as a sort of "last resort" is CBD Oil capsules. Again, I'm not sure if they're working or not, I think my anxiety/depression is far too low for me to notice improvements.

I talked with my partner yesterday and got a few OCD obsessions off my chest and for a brief moment it was like the fog has lifted and I was briefly non-suicidal. But woke up this morning and I guess that fog has returned.

Although I am in the process of seeking help, I honestly can't see how I can get over this period. It seems impossible.

[Aelwyn]

Glad to hear you've spoken to your GP and your partner, I'm sure those are two big steps in the right direction, even if they don't immediately feel like it.

Keep talking and posting while you wait for the MH team to contact you, the worst thing you can do is bottle things up.

[blancmange]

Glad to hear you've got some support Jam, I really hope things improve for you

[choirgirl]

You'll get through it. I don't know how, but you will, and one day you'll look back and go, shit that was hard but I/we got through it. Glad you saw a great GP. Go to A&E if you need to. Post away if it helps.

[Jam]

Just thought I'd update you....

I've brought myself to a&e. I'm not well guys. I love my family so so much.

[Aelwyn]

Well done for seeking help when you need it.

We all need other people sometimes. Hope you feel better soon.

[Jam]

I was seen by the psychiatric liaison team, then I was seen by the psychiatrist. I've been referred to the Home Treatment Team, who will see me daily (short term, I think). The dr also prescribed me Mirtazapine and Diazepam, which I started taking today.

When it comes to meds, I've always been concerned about side effects, but I guess I'll have to ride it out.

[Dougella]

Jam I'm glad you're getting some help If you get any side effects let the treatment team know.

[Jam]

I can't find the words to express how thankful I am to every one of you.

[Jam]

The Diazepam is working for sure, so my mood has improved. But I can't help but feel that this short term drug is only papering over the cracks and that the real issue of my OCD thoughts needs to be addressed. But for the moment I'd happily accept this shift in mood.

I had my first visit from the Home Treatment Team today, it's good that I'm having this support on a daily basis. He said I will be able to access psychological support midweek and see a doctor this week too. I asked the guy who came today if he thought I will get better, and he looked at me and smirked and said "there's nothing wrong with you, you're simply going through a difficult period". I love that attitude. He made me feel like I'm in the right hands.

[Coffee]

I don't visit here often but Jam if I remember correctly you are a great laugh and don't deserve whatever your thoughts are telling you about yourself. I won't presume to tell you anything other than that...just hope you feel better soon.

[Jam]

^ Thank you, Coffee, brought a smile to my face.

[Jam]

I'm in a really bad place again, suicidal thoughts are also back. I feel like I'm back to square one.

[gregarious_introvert]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a bad place again, Jam; you don't deserve any of this - your humour and positive attitude (most of the time) have helped so many people here and you have so much good in your life, with your family (and every parent is overwhelmed at times, so please don't feel guilty about that) and we all know how proud you are of them. It's one of life's cruelties that these intrusive thoughts strike those who have so much to live for, but you have fought back so many times that I know you will be able to come back from this again.

Are you still receiving help - if not daily, as you were previously, than at least weekly or more regularly? If not, then please let the mental health team know how you're feeling and see what more they can offer you. You know how much everyone here wants to help (not that we can, with anything other than words anyway) and I hope that offers you some comfort and will help you find the strength you need to be the person again that the world needs.

[Aelwyn]

Very sorry you are feeling down again, Jam, and as Gregarious says, we are all wanting to support you, even if it is only through listening to you and offering a few suggestions.

I think CBT is one of the therapies offered for OCD - have you been offered that? What help are you getting at present, and are you still on medication?

[Jam]

Thank you so much for your kind words gregarious introvert and Aelwyn.

I'm still under the Home Treatment Team, but as I understand, I will be discharged next week. I have Let them know that I'm in a crisis again, so perhaps they may reconsider their decision to discharge me. I see them twice a week now, Monday's to see the team's psychologist, and mid week a nurse drops by with my weekly supply of Mirtazapine, which I'm still on 30mg. The nurse input (home visits), as lovely as they are, is rather pointless. I've also started to take Diazepam again after 2 and a half weeks off them. I'm disappointed in myself for relapsing so quickly. But in all honesty it wasn't like I had made a full recovery. I have had better weeks of late, even to the point where I was going to restart exercising again, but this week I've let my mind run riot up there and let it take a hold of me again, my anxiety is off the roof. I even told my gf to prepare for the worse (suicide), but her being my rock was of the attitude of "I'm not going to let that happen firstly, and secondly it's a bad episode, ride this wave hard, no matter how difficult it may be".

Not sure what to do. I feel like I've exhausted most of my options, ie- attending a&e, being under the care of HTT, long term meds with mirtazapine, short term meds with Diazepam. I feel like my only two options are suicide or dig so dam deep to get through this, but I've no idea how to do that.

[newbs16]

I know it's a difficult question to answer and you may not know the answer, but hasn't something happened recently that has made your depression worse?

I hope you remain under the care of your mental health team, because it doesn't sound like you're ready to be discharged.

Take care Jam

[catlover]

I'm very sorry to read this. I don't know what advice to give; just want to say that I'm hoping for the best for you.

[Jam]

Originally Posted by newbs16

I know it's a difficult question to answer and you may not know the answer, but hasn't something happened recently that has made your depression worse?

I hope you remain under the care of your mental health team, because it doesn't sound like you're ready to be discharged.

Take care Jam

Thanks Newbs. No triggers or anything like that, my obsessive thoughts simply went from mild to moderate to worse to hellish over the course of a few months. This is the lowest I've been, it's all becoming overwhelming and my obsessive thoughts and anxiety has a tight grip on me.

Originally Posted by catlover

I'm very sorry to read this. I don't know what advice to give; just want to say that I'm hoping for the best for you.

Thank you very much, catlover.


I seriously don't know where I'd be without the support from you guys. I sincerely mean it.

[Dougella]

Definitely let the mental health team know what's going on, they should be able to continue the support and not discharge you yet. It's really good that you talked to your gf too.

Have you been offered any kind of psychotherapy or CBT as Alwyn mentioned? I know if you're still in a crisis situation that might not be something you feel up to, but maybe it would help to start to work on what's been going on and coping strategies etc.

Anyway, I hope you get through this bit and it's just a bump in the road that you can get past again.