So is it me or is it these jobs I’m taking?

[dave81uk]

I’m now on to job number 3 since my redundancy from long term job in March. I’ve had 3 jobs all go the same way and I end up leaving as I just feel so awkward or out of place.

They all have typically gone the same way. First week or so everyone friendly but what’s really happening is they are sussing you out, are you a threat to them? Being new of course you have to make an effort, all goes well for the first couple of weeks.

After the first month you’re still making an effort with small talk, saying good morning etc but it’s not reciprocal and like drawing blood from a stone.

By the end of month 2 you’ve gave up trying, everyone has already rapport and banter with others, you’re ignored, and they are happy to ignore you. You go in work go home, I no longer even bother taking lunch with them, I just go for a walk find a park bench somewhere, text family or play with my phone.

As I say this is job number 3 this year I have had this issue, I never had this problem in that long term job I had, in fact by the end of week 2 I’d been added to a WhatsApp group, I thought my social anxiety had gone as I was there that long and had no issues, I still talk to them guys now.

I was invited to the Xmas party, I declined, may have been the wrong move but I don’t drink any more and don’t talk to anyone so I’d be left alone likely or rather feel alone which is probably worse.

What’s your thoughts on this?

[BFG_]

Perhaps they're just wankers?

[Dougella]

We're there any individual people that you thought you might want to keep chatting to?

[Aelwyn]

This would happen to me a lot. Maybe because with SA we don't settle into a job as quickly as people without it. I think people thought I was aloof,when really I was just anxious and on edge. I think people get bored with us, they want a bit of banter and entertainment, after all a lot of jobs are extremely tedious. It's also true that some workplaces can be cliquey and toxic, and won't be welcoming to anybody.

Your longer term job was OK, that's good, there is hope for you! You just need a bit of luck with the people you get to work with next. Also maybe pay a bit of attention to your body language, I know I spent a lot of time with my head down, probably giving the impression I wanted nothing to do with anybody.

[Amara 94]

I’ve experienced similar

[Just-Matt]

Yeah I know this experience pretty well. In my case, it could have been me because it takes a while to warm to people sometimes and the "normies" usually don't have the patience or understanding for the likes of people like me (especially with SA), especially if you don't respond the same way others do. I usually make myself feel better by saying to myself "these people are all being fake anyway" (which in some of the locations I used to work in, was actually usually true and put me off even more).

There's also the fact that, while I can be civil with most people, I can't pretend to be matey with people I consider "not my cup of tea", which is a problem when you're in a restricted environment like the workplace and have to work with these people. I just keep my head on the job.

I probably should try harder to be honest, but that's me though. If you keep trying to make an effort with people in general, you'll get enough people respond favourably to you. At the same time, there's not much wrong with nit-picking who you're cool with and who you're not, as long as you keep it civil for the sake of work.

[biscuits]

I tend to slot in easily wherever I’ve worked, but find it exhausting!

I’d say don’t give up. Recognise that sa makes its rubbish and things like our body language and struggles with chit chat can make it take longer to build binds.

Maybe you could try the usual things like little gestures of kindness - offering to make someone or a few people a cup of tea. Once I offered to make coffee and then realised I don’t know how to make coffee, so had to get someone else to make the coffee haha. Once you’ve made the tea few times then take in some nice treats and leaving a note “enjoy, from Dave”

Or when you got out for lunch ask if anyone fancies a walk or if they need anything from the shop.

Offering to give someone a hand with something. I think if you can find one person to try the above on then hopefully you will be welcomed in a little bit more. Then you can be like “shall we get lunch?”


Hard as it is, try not to avoid being around them as that can give off the impression of being closed off.

[BFG_]

^if I did any of those things I'd feel like a part of me had died inside.

Is that what humans have to do to get along with other humans.


*not that I'm criticising your advice biscuits as it probably works

[biscuits]

ahahaha if you forced yourself to do any of those things, you’d spontaneously combust.

Everyone has a price. A custard doughnut, and I’m anyone’s.

[Mike.Kzov]

Yes, that is all very relatable OP. My previous job was like working with friends, but my new position, while a better job, isn’t like that. It’s rather a shame.

I was fortunate with my old job in that respect, and the work environment suited me socially a lot more. It was a big place where I could wander off if I was feeling frazzled and stressed. Whereas in an office you’re rooted to the spot really.

I’d say definitely don’t give up! People can tell and appreciate if you care and keep trying. I find being helpful and hardworking at the job helps. Being considerate and interested in the kinds of ways Biscuit mentioned can help, too. I find being helpful and thoughtful like that can (to an extent) help offset the closed vibes you can give off being SA.

But SA certainly makes things tough, and yes it’s often worse if you’re a guy. I’ve observed similarly shy women get accepted much easier in my office – the shyness is often perceived as endearing in women, but standoff -ish and almost offensive in a guy. But that's nothing new...as always, it’s a matter of persistence and positivity.

Though it may also be a place of cliques and arseholes! In which case the above still obviously applies. It's still worth not giving up and trying with the nicer people there, and probably making sure to do stuff outside of work too (join groups, join a gym, meetup.com, job hunt etc. etc.)

[Amara 94]

^I don't know if this is a useful point but recently I've just noticed that if someone is offended by something about you, it doesn't make you a bad person. I know this is common sense but it's so easy to forget.

[Boy]

I'm same, or very similar, dave.
3 years in with the same people and I almost don't talk to them about anything, except work stuff.
They are very good though, in general and tolerate me pretty well. They just don't bother me with anything, they just usually leave me be.

biscuits, those are good advice, indeed. It won't work for people like me, though.
For example, I brought sweets to work to share with everyone, like 3-4 times and usually nobody takes them, however, when someone else brings sweets to share, people take those. So it's upsetting. Of course, I offered people to make drinks for them, but everyone does this in our team. It just doesn't change the general attitude. It doesn't work for people like me, who have repelling looks, quiet most of the time and spread bad aura (I think someone actually said that about me, thinking that I'm not there)

I'm very tensed and don't swear and very strict and serious because of my anxiety and other are relaxed and joke and call each other names (in a very friendly manner, honestly), so it makes relaxing atmosphere, but with me it's all gone. Nobody likes people like me.

[biscuits]

^ aww, Boy

I'd have one of your sweets.

[Laurel]

Good thread. I find similar experiences. But end of the day we’re a bunch of different people going to work. Sometimes you click on similarities, sometimes you don’t.
I was in Lidl yesterday and wondered how the staff got on all in there. They’ve all got to be similar kinds of people, (fairly extroverted) that like each other to a degree

[Mike.Kzov]

Originally Posted by Amara 94

^I don't know if this is a useful point but recently I've just noticed that if someone is offended by something about you, it doesn't make you a bad person. I know this is common sense but it's so easy to forget.

You're right, it certainly doesn't. It still hurts each time, but I take it less personally nowadays. It's often a (not wholly unfounded) reaction to my closed, frosty vibe And I can often win them round in time with my better qualities.

[biscuits]

that's a good point, Mike, that quietness and shyness can be perceived differently. I hadn't thought of that, what with not being a man and having not experienced how it would be.

You're absolutely right that just being kind and helpful goes along way. As BFG alluded to, being genuine is also important and we are all different natured.

SA can makes us a bit confusing to other people and they can feel unliked because of it. Also others pick up on the vibes of wanting to be left alone.

[choirgirl]

I'm not sure if shyness in women is accepted that much when you're older, I think it's a bit of a young woman trick. At least people don't think you're creepy though, when you've just got SA.

[Dougella]

^ Yes, I think women are expected to be friendly and sociable, generally.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Boy

It doesn't work for people like me, who have repelling looks, quiet most of the time and spread bad aura (I think someone actually said that about me, thinking that I'm not there)

I don't think it's about what we look like, Boy, it's much more about how we feel about ourselves, and how that is reflected in the whole way we interact with people. A lot of the extrovert, confident people I can think of are by no means what we would call good-looking, but they are comfortable in their own skin.

[biscuits]

Originally Posted by choirgirl

I'm not sure if shyness in women is accepted that much when you're older, I think it's a bit of a young woman trick. At least people don't think you're creepy though, when you've just got SA.

Yeah, that's what we mean - it's all about how it's perceived. How people carry themselves. It's easy to misinterpret avoidance for rudeness or being aloof and sometimes it can come across as not liking others. It's definitely possible to be shy and quiet and still be liked and accepted by others. Avoidance and being closed off can be the biggest barriers that SA brings.

[dave81uk]

I’d forgot about this thread, only checking up no guys. The biscuit thing mentioned I actually did something similar at Christmas brought in a box of Roses. I didn’t do it to achieve anything, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do, I offered, they took one never went back near them, I took them home again. So I can relate to what @boy said but if someone else brings them in they’d take their hand off.


I write this on lunch time, by myself, a customer left in a cake, it happens now and again, I had my lunch with them cake wasn’t touched, went for a walk came back cakes gone, you never even get offered so I wasn’t expecting it but it’s little things like that really make me hate working with these people, there’s no common decency.


So I’m on the lookout for yet another job, how many more can I go through lol. Sadly the job market is pure rubbish at the moment.

[Hopeforme]

What jobs are you looking at Dave? Anything on your mind?

Have you got specific qualifications in an area?

[Captain Nemo]

Originally Posted by BFG_

Perhaps they're just wankers?

That's my motto for life right there. Tombstone maybe?