Feeling constantly behind in life

[citizen_erased]

I feel this post might be a bit of a rant so apologies in advance. I'm just feeling slightly down this evening and needed to get this off my chest.

I was just browsing my news feed on Facebook this evening when I saw a new post from someone I used to work with a few years ago. It was a picture of her outside her first home, doing a little happy leap, with a caption saying, "Can't wait for my next chapter here at No. 5!" While I smiled and wrote her a quick comment to say congratulations, I also felt my heart sink a little because deep down, I can't help but feel slightly jealous. I feel like an awful person for feeling like that, because she's a lovely sweet girl who works hard and she 100% deserves this, but it's the truth. Having my own home has been a dream of mine for years but is also something that feels almost completely unreachable. Yet this girl is about 9 years younger than me with a good job and she's done it already. Meanwhile, I don't even have a job at the moment. I was looking for work before the pandemic hit last March, struggling to get through job interviews due to my anxiety. Thankfully I do now have some support as I was referred to the Royal British Legion Industries (RBLI) at the end of January this year and enrolled in a programme they do helping people back into work. Although due to lockdown restrictions things are mainly being conducted via Zoom and phone calls at the moment, it's going OK. But I still worry about struggling to find again and find it hard to try and stay positive.

Work and home ownership aren't the only areas of my life I feel behind in either. A lot of my old friends have been/are in long term relationships, some have got married, some have had kids, one has even moved abroad. All experiences I have never had, milestones I have never achieved and am starting to think I probably never will.

Again, I am aware that this post is probably a bit of a depressing read, so thank you if you've made it right to the end.

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[Tembo]

Don't apologise for having a rant. We all need one every now and then.

Funnily enough, I've also seen on Facebook this evening that someone has got their first house. They are a lovely person, and really deserve it, but I often feel jealous seeing that sort of thing. I accept though that getting a house is difficult for anyone, let alone those with mental health problems. I know many professionals still living at home, and just can't afford to move out, or want to spend that money on something that is more important to them.

I'm pleased to hear that you have some support though, that is really great and hopefully it will help you!

I'm not great at advice, and I've just rambled with some of my own rant too, but hopefully one of the great people on here may post something more constructive

[Dougella]

^ I don't understand why people have 40 as this benchmark where everything ends! Lots of people have their first child after 40, get married when they're older than that, buying a house Is still possible, starting a new carer is possible, travelling isn't off limits, etc. And actually for lots of people it's the right time for those things.

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ I don't understand why people have 40 as this benchmark where everything ends! Lots of people have their first child after 40, get married when they're older than that, buying a house Is still possible, starting a new carer is possible, travelling isn't off limits, etc. And actually for lots of people it's the right time for those things.

I agree. I can understand how some things may become more difficult as people get older, however I know of plenty of examples of people having success after 40, and even changing their lives completely. It certainly isn't over at 40. I have 12 years before I get there, and I've got a lot of things I desperately need to work on before then and catch up, so I hope it isn't over for me then!
I'd expand on where you say 'travelling isn't off limits' - I'd say it is perhaps less off limits for some! I know of an example where someone lost all their money in a failed business and divorce, so went off travelling years ago and hasn't come back.

[Dougella]

^ Exactly, and you've got lots of time before then anyway by the sound of it. Umm, well that is one way you can go off travelling but probably not advisable

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ Exactly, and you've got lots of time before then anyway by the sound of it. Umm, well that is one way you can go off travelling but probably not advisable

Yes probably not advisable but proof that even if you have a huge low point, which I’m sure a bankrupt business and divorce would be devastating, it is possible to rise out of it.

[AnxiousExtrovert]

There is some logic to the idea of 40 being an age where people assess themselves. It surely doesn't need explaining?

But I agree that its certainly not set in stone or defining. There are lots of people who have gone bankrupt after 40 and then made more money after. There are people who have created a new life after 40 which far surpasses anything they did previously.

[snoo]

Facebook's like that.
When you see people post shit you can almost sense the implicit boasting behind it. New house, new car, new baby, etc.
Don't think everyone is at it, but a few are. Some people get to feel superior, by making you feel inferior.

But whether you get caught up in this game is up to you. There is nothing to say that even if you had said items that you would feel any better.

What was that saying 'keeping up with the Joneses? People would see other people and compare themselves to them, only being happy when they were richer, had nicer things, smarter kids, etc. But there would always be someone in a better position so life would be an unhappy equivalent of the hamster wheel.

I'm over 40 now and own neither a house, nor am employed by anyone (I work for myself). Also have few friends and no social circles. It is what it is, I suppose but never too late to change.

[far north]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ I don't understand why people have 40 as this benchmark where everything ends! Lots of people have their first child after 40, get married when they're older than that, buying a house Is still possible, starting a new carer is possible, travelling isn't off limits, etc. And actually for lots of people it's the right time for those things.

Ime in my 50s and I dont consider my life to be over at all, so couldnt agree more.

Admittedly things like becoming a father/mother becomes less likely over 40, but as I never really saw parenthood as being a particular goal anyway, thats not an issue for me.

Maybe clubbing every weekend would be more difficult too for an old fart, but I cant imagine many folk in their 40/50s etc wanting to do that anyway.

The obvious down side of course is that an over 40 year old individual is more likely to have less years of life left than a young person. But thats just the way the universe works, so seems little point in worrying about it.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Tembo

I know of plenty of examples of people having success after 40, and even changing their lives completely.

Hi!

[limey123]

Originally Posted by snoo

What was that saying 'keeping up with the Joneses? People would see other people and compare themselves to them, only being happy when they were richer, had nicer things, smarter kids, etc. But there would always be someone in a better position so life would be an unhappy equivalent of the hamster wheel.

"How much time he saves who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks"

Marcus Aurelius

Good post, Snoo!

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by citizen_erased

I was just browsing my news feed on Facebook this evening when I saw a new post from someone I used to work with a few years ago. It was a picture of her outside her first home, doing a little happy leap, with a caption saying, "Can't wait for my next chapter here at No. 5!"

Work and home ownership aren't the only areas of my life I feel behind in either. A lot of my old friends have been/are in long term relationships, some have got married, some have had kids, one has even moved abroad. All experiences I have never had, milestones I have never achieved and am starting to think I probably never will.

I know exactly how you feel. I’m sure it’s common. But ask yourself whether or not you really want those things. The big upside to ageing (I’m now the wrong side of 40) is that you realise how many of your ambitions were never your ambitions at all. They were things you felt you ought to want. As a teen, I lived in perpetual shame for not having a social life. Later, I felt ashamed for not doing a ‘proper’ office job. In other words, I wanted things that would reduce my shame and make me ‘normal’. But I’m an introvert who loathes offices and has zero interest in an office-based career. Now, at last, the shame is melting away and I’m able to separate what I want from what I think will make me ‘normal.’

Do you want a little rabbit hutch on a new estate? Do you want a partner or kids or marriage or a life abroad? The real question is what makes you happy. Because you can be sure that not all those old friends of yours are. No doubt some of them love being parents, or enjoy living in Spain, or love their partner. And no doubt some are desperately miserable. For all you know, having kids has been a nightmare, or they’ve married the wrong man, or they regret moving abroad but are too much in debt to return home, etc.

Bring it back to you. What sort of person are you? What makes you happy? Once you understand, set yourself realistic goals and work towards them. Everything else is bull****. The fear of being outdone or left behind motivates people to do all kinds of risky, self-destructive things. They marry the wrong person, have kids they don’t really want, begin a stressful career that wrecks their health, saddle themselves with a crippling mortgage, and so on. And all because some bitchy friend kept belittling them.

[Marco]

^Great post Orwell!

[choirgirl]

Re the girl who bought the house, I know what you mean, but at least she is a nice person who works hard and deserves it. And in many cases, people have had help from their parents/grandparents but don't declare it, either indirectly, through living at home, or directly, through being given help with the deposit. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it's worth bearing in mind.

I'd broadly agree with Orwell's post. But if something is genuinely a dream, then yes, that sucks. I'm having a massive midlife crisis myself. I have failed at everything possible. I was very busy convincing myself I couldn't or shouldn't have various things, and feeling guilty for failing at the things I was supposed to be doing successfully, to focus on what little I could have probably managed.

[Hayman]

A lot of No Longer Human's post resonates with me.

Social Media really isn't helpful for people like ourselves. Infact, it can be cruel if you're a heavy user. I closed by original Facebook account down in 2014 (if memory serves me). It become increasingly depressing and frustrating to read. The account I have now is basically there to keep me up to date with a few groups and companies I like to keep updated with every so often. I don’t personally contribute to it in terms of comments/likes/shares and I have no 'friends' on it.

When it comes to 'benchmarks' in terms of age, I think people like myself set them because that's when we see the 'milestones' usually reached by the vast majority of other people. Infact, those milestones are actually reached much earlier by them and we've given ourselves additional time in order to 'catch up'. Sure, certain events don't happen for everyone or by a certain stage in their life - but for me personally I still can't get it out of my head that the majority don't face the same hurdles or specific issues we do. I hope that makes sense as that's about the best way I can describe targets.

Even if I was to achieve any basic lifetime achievement now, I don't think I'd be jumping for joy. That time has long gone. I'd see myself as an "also ran". A 'too little, too late' scenario. I know fellow peers/acquaintances would see me as that too. I'd still lack the respect they've had years of enjoyment out of. I wouldn't be seen as an 'equal'. More of an 'impostor' at this stage. Someone who is 'under' them. Probably also accused of 'copying' others in some people's eyes. Then there's the question which has lingered on my mind for years - "What about all those years I've had to miss out on? What makes up for that?". I honestly don't think I’d be ever satisfied now. Not with so much time lost. I'd always feel 'short changed' and with that in mind, it's perhaps better for me to remain as I am.

[genovese]

Originally Posted by limey123

"How much time he saves who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks"

Marcus Aurelius

Ahh the ultra quotable Mr Aurelius. Along with his mate Epictetus, they really had stuff figured out and could articulate their perspective exquisitely.
It all resonates even today, https://wisdomquotes.com/marcus-aurelius-quotes/

And they were dishing their banter out 2000 years ago! So seriously, how far have we actually come?? It's like it's just a perpetual hamster wheel of human suffering, century after century, with zero progress.

And they didn't even have Facebook!
Back then, they were just comparing themselves to the guy in the next tent!

We need a whole new set of rules I think. Because this game has lost its zing!