Anyone lost friends over SA?

[Bluenoise72]

Hi, Im 50 . I’ve kept one best friend for 48 of those years until this year. He knows I suffer with SA and actually says he does a bit too , this year was my 50th , naturally I didn’t want any attention or people around. My friend kind of invited himself as I guess he had a gift etc and I couldn’t really refuse. I usually just want to be alone with my wife at home all the time and any social interference (yes even a best mate) can stress me at times. We only see each other a couple of times a year but text almost every week.
Anyway the day before my birthday I cancelled on him because of my anxiety, he was very annoyed and said I’ve cancelled so many times at the last minute, he had a cake etc to give me , and angrily texted to say he’d given it to his work colleagues who polished it off , and sounded pissed off. I understood and felt terrible. I opened up a s sent him a very honest, detailed Description of what I’m going through with SA and that it’ wasn’t personal but it’s a real problem I have. I thought he would come back and be very understanding and try to help me but all he said nothing nice and repeated I’ve always cancelled and “ atleast I’m consistent “ … those last 3 words have been ringing in my head all year. That angered me and we’ve not spoke all year. I now feel a decent friend of 40 odd years would not have said this, I can understand some initial anger but expected him to come back at some point and apologise. It’s clearly not happening. I’ve decided I don’t want or need people like this in my life , and although he bud have been deeply offended should’ve gotten over that after me opening ny heart to him about why I did it. Now I see that SA is a destroyer of everything and that ultimately nobody gives a crap about anyone. I still miss him but am very angry.
Anyones thoughts appreciate

[Aelwyn]

I can see both sides of this situation. I understand your anxiety, but I can also understand someone might feel hurt if they had planned to give you a cake and a gift, and you stopped them coming to see you.

I've been on both sides of this situation myself. I've not gone to meet up with a friend, because of social anxiety - which I'm sure was hurtful to her. I also have experience of a relative whose SA seems even more severe than mine trying to avoid me. Which upsets me even though I understand it!

If you've tried explaining the situation to your friend, and that hasn't helped, maybe you should focus more now on exploring things that might help you. Have you had any counselling? Have you looked into medication?

[Dougella]

I agree with Aelwyn's advice above, we can often understand both sides.

Have you ever let your friend see you in your most anxious state? What would have happened if you said to your friend "I'm having an really bad anxiety day, you can come over and I'd like to see you but I'm sorry I won't be up to much today"?

[Mr. Nobody]

Sadly, this is a lesson I've had to learn, it's not easy when you understand or realise that people's patience isn't infinite,
Nor should it be, they are only human, and you can't expect someone to always be around for you no matter what.
Relationships are a two-way affair,
But I always seem to expect people to be there, somehow, despite me rarely giving anything in return.

It would be interesting to try not putting SA first for a change,

I have sabotaged numerous potential friendships and relationships, just so I could feel more "comfortable "

[Bluenoise72]

Thanks from replying. Yes I’ve had counselling several times in my 30’s and 40’s, CBT and although I felt it put things in perspective at the time and it’s a load off telling someone else that doesn’t know me I never get passed these anxieties. They get worse. Medication wise I tried Amytrypraline in my early 30’s but became too scared that I felt out of it so came off within weeks. I’m too scared to rely on drugs now at 50.

[Bluenoise72]

It’s a possibility for the future. I think i felt incredibly embarrassed to admit I could feel anxious in my best friends company and that it could offend him and make me come across as weird so I took the easy way. Turned out to be not so easy I guess. I’m definitely hiding my not confronting anything. I know it’s not the cure but I’m in a vicious cycle I think. Thanks anyway

[Bluenoise72]

Thanks for your honesty.

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Bluenoise72

It’s a possibility for the future. I think i felt incredibly embarrassed to admit I could feel anxious in my best friends company and that it could offend him and make me come across as weird so I took the easy way. Turned out to be not so easy I guess. I’m definitely hiding my not confronting anything. I know it’s not the cure but I’m in a vicious cycle I think. Thanks anyway

Yes, it can be really hard to say to someone that being with them makes you anxious because obviously that seems like a negative thing against them! But it's not necessarily, it's just because they're a person. It could be easier to tell them something like you're having a bad anxiety day, or you're struggling a lot with your anxiety so that it doesn't seem like it's specifically about them.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Bluenoise72

Medication wise I tried Amytrypraline in my early 30’s but became too scared that I felt out of it so came off within weeks. I’m too scared to rely on drugs now at 50.

For what it's worth, I find slow release propranolol very helpful. My worst symptom was shakiness, and it helps with that. Doesn't remove the inner anxiety, however feeling a bit more in control of your body can help the mind. Otherwise, there are several other medications you could try, perhaps you could talk to your GP.

Exercise helps with general low feelings. Especially if you can get outside.

[Bluenoise72]

Thanks

[Broncobill]

Originally Posted by Mr. Nobody

Sadly, this is a lesson I've had to learn, it's not easy when you understand or realise that people's patience isn't infinite,
Nor should it be, they are only human, and you can't expect someone to always be around for you no matter what.
Relationships are a two-way affair,
But I always seem to expect people to be there, somehow, despite me rarely giving anything in return.

It would be interesting to try not putting SA first for a change,

I have sabotaged numerous potential friendships and relationships, just so I could feel more "comfortable "

I've done the same and am currently doing so. I'm just so sensitive to their perceived judgment of me, I despise it.

I've just turned 50 too and had a friend of 20 years ghost me, no explanation, had a few minor disagreements. He went off with a woman somewhere.

I'm having rTMS for my depression and anxiety currently btw

[Dougella]

Some people find that ACT (acceptance and committment therapy) can be somewhat helpful for anxiety where CBT wasn't too successful. There is a book called The Happiness Trap that gives a good introduction to it, you can also just read the parts that you find relevent you don't have to trudge through the whole thing. Could be worth a try.

[cymruambyth26]

No not really. People were always coming and going in my life anyway that was before I'd even learnt I had social anxiety. The way I look at it now the people I thought were friends and left were only really ever an acquaintance that satisfied a need at the time to practice being social. Only a very small few have remained.

[Blackflies]

All the time. I bleed friendships away like I’m haemorrhaging. Humans come with expectations, no exceptions. “Expectation is the route of all heartache”. I am, more often than not, unwilling to buckle to meet those expectations. I am consistently inconsistent.

You let him down. It caused an emotive reaction, not because he doesn’t give a crap about you but because he does. He has an attachment to you so wanted to celebrate a significant day of your life with you. It wasn’t just your birthday but a milestone of how long you’ve been friends, how many birthdays you’ve known each other for.

I hate birthdays too, so believe me I get the pain in the ass he was being by self inviting. It was unnecessary for him to dig at you that he gifted the cake to others (you didn’t ask for it) but he did so because he’d bought it to make you smile and wanted you to know it existed. “At least you’re consistent” was the jab he wanted you to feel, not out of a dislike for you but out of love for you. He is your friend. If he wasn’t he would be indifferent to you cancelling. It’s less a dig at who you are but rather who you won’t be to him as you keep rejecting his offers to hang out, to be with him.

Gifting someone time on your big day conveys their importance in your life and batting them away conveys their insignificance. It hurts them because they think us spending time with them will be, should be, enough to bring momentary joy into our lives, that regardless of our issues, we still want them around, warts and all. For most, physical time is more important than being an ear at the end of the phone. They need presence, to actually feel a part of our lives. So to constantly have set backs preventing them actually being there with us, for us, feels like a deliberate swipe (even when to us it’s rarely personal).

You probably won’t get the delayed reaction you are hoping for or deserve from his deflection from your difficulties. That’s the chance we take when we open ourself up and us offering up our truth doesn’t always deflect from their current pain. To him it feels like a rejection. The gentle excuses as to why we rejected someone don’t always cushion the blow. His radio silence is likely because he needs you to meet in person and your opening up about your reasons why you can’t mean that can’t happen. I have friends that need meets and others who don’t. I often lose the former but their resentment or inability to flex to become an internet or phone buddy is something I have to accept.

Moving forward is up to you. Re if you want him back in your life or if you want to draw a line in the sand. But don’t let his words settle into your pores. If anything they convey you have significance to another’s life. Your presence (when you have managed to meet them) has brought enough joy into their life that they have requested to do so again. So yes you let him down consistently but you also gave him a reason to consistently keep coming back hoping to hang out again.

[Hayman]

I would say close to all my former friends I've lost because of my Social Anxiety. It's the same story with a couple of former work colleagues too.

My former best friend, who I've discussed at length in the past on this forum, is probably the absolute prime example of losing someone who felt like a brother to me from the age of four up to 20. In one case in school, we were once actually mistaken for being exactly that... I won't go over the story again but lets just say we started to notably grow apart from the age of 18 onwards. He was pushing me to do things he knew full well I couldn't do being more introverted than him (as if he was setting me up for a fall) and he was becoming unreliable in remaining in touch or meeting up when we planned on doing so. Anyway, it all ended in a rather short, sharp argument and we didn't see each other face to face after that for ten years. For seven(?) of those years, we had absolutely zero contact and what little contact there was, was only a few lines of text on social media.

Anyway, by pure chance I actually bumped into him at the local pub when I was there with my actual brother. By now, me and my former best friend were both 30. An incredibly awkward encounter but he seemed warm and friendly enough. He told me to keep in touch and I went home that evening and thought over this very carefully. Normally I wouldn't have bothered but at that time I was determined to push myself.

Sadly, there's too much water under the bridge (certainly from my perspective) for any contact to be re-established with him now. I wanted to follow other's advice, ignore my SA 'warning bells' and try to rebuild some sort of friendship but sadly after a few months of various meet-ups after that chance bumping into him at the local pub, there was enough 'underhand' and hurtful comments from his side which made me decide there was no point in continuing any sort of friendship. Most of the same problems which saw us grow apart in our very late teens were still there...and too was the nasty side he developed where he simply wouldn't see anything from anyone else's viewpoint other than his own - which was the final straw that broke the camel's back all those years before.

I haven't seen or heard from him since at least 2019...and honestly, that's fine by me. The whole business of trying to rekindle that friendship does still upset and annoy me...as I should have done what I always did...and left it at that chance encounter and not pursue him. It come back to bite me and I only have myself to blame for that one. However, there is one positive side to it all - at least I actually ignored/battled my SA for once and don't have any "what if?" questions, if I didn't bother getting back in touch. At least my mind has been settled in that respect.

My view is now more along the lines of if people are in your past and no longer in touch - it's that way for a reason. Don't look back.

[Tembo]

Yes, I think so. Looking back, my behaviour has been rather strange and it’s no wonder I was never exactly popular. I’m not sure it’s all SA, but other issues too.

I’ve never really ‘fallen out’ with anyone (well apart from a couple of people from the my Uni days who turned out to be utter sociopaths), but mainly just drifted away.

I think the bigger issue for me is how I’ve become good acquaintances with people, but rarely gone any further, due to the SA and whatever the hell else is wrong with me. That’s the thing that makes me sad really - the opportunities I’ve missed out on.
I feel I’ve pushed myself many times in an attempt to make new friends, but it’s never really resulted in anything meaningful. Without trying to sound too big headed, I feel I have a lot to offer and I don’t really understand why I’ve found it so difficult. Sure, I’m not expecting to be popular, and I doubt I’d want to, but I didn’t think it would be nearly as difficult as this.

Don’t get me wrong, I am lucky to have a few friends, of which I’m really grateful for and I enjoy time I spend seeing them or messaging them. But I wish I had found it a little bit easier to make new friends and acquaintances. Maybe one day I’ll find out what I’m doing so wrong. Hopefully before I’m elderly, or in a wheelchair as I expect to be by my 40s.

[biscuits]

It sounds like your friend is hurt and perhaps to them it feels like a long string of confusion and changed plans. Providing an explanation after a series of events seems like it should make them think, “Arh…that’s why!” but it can take a bit of time to sink in and feelings of being hurt cut deep, so it might not heal that wound immediately. Also if he read it when he was feeling vexed and upset, he might not have taken it in or appreciated it as much.

You could reach out to them (when you feel ready) and perhaps with a gesture to make it up to them. Something like inviting them round for dinner or put somewhere? Some way of showing that you value their friendship.

Talking face to face can help too. It’s scary but it will be more sincere and they’ll be able to see how genuinely difficult it is for you to talk about.

I think the important thing is not to mistake their annoyance for not being understanding.

[Ronnie_Pickering]

life does sometimes have a habit of surprising you. That's not to instill false hope, but you genuinely don't know sometimes what is around the next bend. There's a lot of people in a lot of stages of life after a friend. Sometimes in life you are alone, sometimes you may have company.
Don't create a prison for yourself- that things are always going to be one way.

[Bluenoise72]

Originally Posted by Blackflies

All the time. I bleed friendships away like I’m haemorrhaging. Humans come with expectations, no exceptions. “Expectation is the route of all heartache”. I am, more often than not, unwilling to buckle to meet those expectations. I am consistently inconsistent.

You let him down. It caused an emotive reaction, not because he doesn’t give a crap about you but because he does. He has an attachment to you so wanted to celebrate a significant day of your life with you. It wasn’t just your birthday but a milestone of how long you’ve been friends, how many birthdays you’ve known each other for.

I hate birthdays too, so believe me I get the pain in the ass he was being by self inviting. It was unnecessary for him to dig at you that he gifted the cake to others (you didn’t ask for it) but he did so because he’d bought it to make you smile and wanted you to know it existed. “At least you’re consistent” was the jab he wanted you to feel, not out of a dislike for you but out of love for you. He is your friend. If he wasn’t he would be indifferent to you cancelling. It’s less a dig at who you are but rather who you won’t be to him as you keep rejecting his offers to hang out, to be with him.

Gifting someone time on your big day conveys their importance in your life and batting them away conveys their insignificance. It hurts them because they think us spending time with them will be, should be, enough to bring momentary joy into our lives, that regardless of our issues, we still want them around, warts and all. For most, physical time is more important than being an ear at the end of the phone. They need presence, to actually feel a part of our lives. So to constantly have set backs preventing them actually being there with us, for us, feels like a deliberate swipe (even when to us it’s rarely personal).

You probably won’t get the delayed reaction you are hoping for or deserve from his deflection from your difficulties. That’s the chance we take when we open ourself up and us offering up our truth doesn’t always deflect from their current pain. To him it feels like a rejection. The gentle excuses as to why we rejected someone don’t always cushion the blow. His radio silence is likely because he needs you to meet in person and your opening up about your reasons why you can’t mean that can’t happen. I have friends that need meets and others who don’t. I often lose the former but their resentment or inability to flex to become an internet or phone buddy is something I have to accept.

Moving forward is up to you. Re if you want him back in your life or if you want to draw a line in the sand. But don’t let his words settle into your pores. If anything they convey you have significance to another’s life. Your presence (when you have managed to meet them) has brought enough joy into their life that they have requested to do so again. So yes you let him down consistently but you also gave him a reason to consistently keep coming back hoping to hang out again.

Many thanks for the insightful response . I take it al in