How many toilet rolls do you need to survive a pandemic?

[Copernicium]

A frenzy of toilet roll panic buying has gripped shoppers everywhere. As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps across the globe there is only one thing on our collective minds: our arses. Do we have enough tissue to wipe our bottoms with when society breaks down, that is the question. And the answer appears to be NO. At least according to the reports of empty supermarket shelves and aisles where toilet rolls used to be.

So how much toilet paper do people really need? Is it necessary for shoppers to queue up with trolleys piled high with towering multi-packs of Andrex and Cushelle Ultra Quilted? I know larger households will go through more toilet rolls than a single person, but even so, stockpiling enough for 6 months seems a bit mad.

So it begs the question:

How many toilet rolls do you need to survive a pandemic?

I've got 8 rolls. Is it enough? Do I need more? How many have you got?

[Toxic]

I can legit make bog roll last forever. I'm..lets say not exactly a regular toilet frequenter

I might only need the stuff once or twice a week! I could make a single roll last weeks

Theres about 12 in the house at the mo, I'm not in any rush to go out and buy anymore. The only thing I'm planning to add to the shopping list for tomorrows delivery is easter eggs!

[gregarious_introvert]

Clearly, I foresaw this several months ago: the toilet roll I buy is cheaper when I buy two packs of 16 rolls, so at present I probably have nine months' supply remaining - unless, of course, I start to panic and have to deal with the physical effects!

[lone*star]

I've just checked, in order to answer this important survey. Apart from the roll currently in use, I only have one spare roll in my kitchen cupboard! I'm dreading doing my weekly grocery shop tomorrow, because I just know that the toilet roll shelves will be empty (and despite living alone, I get through a fair amount). When I run out, in the next few days, I'm then down to using what ever I can - I've got some kitchen roll and a box of Kleenex tissues at least. But god knows what I'll be wiping my arse with after that!

[Dougella]

I would like to point out for a moment that ladies tend to need to use more toilet roll than men, so if you have females in your house plan accordingly!


I currently have six toilet rolls, but there doesn't seem to be any shortages in the shops round here so I think we'll be alright. (If anyone is in an absolute bind and can't find any PM me and I can let you know where I live and where you can still get some from )

[firemonkey]

I'm sure there's a mathematician out there, somewhere, who has a mathematical formula for that .

[anxiouslondoner]

If you live in London you can get free copies of The Evening Standard from most tube and rail stations.
Just saying.

[Orwell20]

If we do run out, I will just have to use The Sun. I would, however, regard it as an insult to my anus to put that filthy rag anywhere near it.

[Appear]

Everyone just needs to go on the fibre supplements I'm taking that give you zero-wipe shits 4/5ths of the time. For number 1s, do the drippy drippy shake.

[gregarious_introvert]

Maybe I should be putting this in the "Confessions" thread, but as someone who attends a fair number of music festivals, goes camping regularly and spends time in hostels, over the years I have become quite an adept tissue thief; I should like to add, before I go any further, that these thefts have usually been in response to short-term emergency situations and that my intention is to go equipped as often as possible (but forgetfulness and other circumstances occasionally intervene). If shortages do occur and things reach desperation levels, some of you might like to consider obtaining toilet rolls (and facial tissues) or something similar by larcenous means.

The most obvious source is public lavatories - just take a few additional sheets off the rolls - motorway service stations in particular have multiple cubicles so that one can take a little from each without leaving a shortage; then there are cafes, restaurants, fast food chains and the like which have plentiful supplies of serviettes. By squirreling these away in small amounts, it's possible to amass quite a stockpile. If you take an empty bottle with you, some of these may also afford the opportunity to get a couple of squirts of hand sanitiser.

This may sound desperate, but I can attest that these options are preferable to The Sun, The Evening Standard, The Metro or any other print-based options!

[Seagull]

^Same here GI. I haven’t bought a toilet roll in years, always steal them from work, industrial toilet rolls last a lot longer than shop bought rip off ones. When I used to work for the Foreign Office, a similarly minded colleague and I would break open the dispensers and steal the really big rolls, destroying the dispenser locking mechanism in the process. My local library is another abundant source of loo roll and paper towels, the latter ideal for using as tissues. Life’s too short to buy loo rolls or tissues.
#Don't do it kids

[Dougella]

^ Oh not libraries, please draw the line at libraries! That's tax payers toilet roll that is.

[Mo34]

Well after my bare shelf experience yesterday I decided to pop into Budgens whilst I was up in Midhurst and lo and behold Midhurst folk seem to have some sense! Full shelves. The only thing they'd cleared out was paracetamol. Funny though cause if anything they should be panicking more than where I am as there is 8 cases of the virus in one of the nearby villages and that village school has been shut down.

So I have a pk of 9 (was tempted to buy another pk if i'm honest).

I go through toilet roll like there's no tomorrow! I think i'm a bit too over generous with myself :/ Will last me 3 - 4 weeks I guess.

Interestingly all the public loos (3) that I used today had no toilet roll/tissue! So all you thief's on here you might be in for your own shortage

[anewyear]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

toilet rolls (and facial tissues)

I misread that first time around GI..!!

[Seagull]

^ good point Dougella

If more people sluiced their cheeks with water, bidet-style, there wouldn’t be all this loo roll neuroses, and, as a result less fatbergs in the sewage network. Make it so SA-UK. Friend of mine swears by it, just keeps a bottle of water by the khazi.

[Dougella]

^ We should have adopted the use of bidets in this country like a lot of other places have, we'd never be in this predicament then!

[Tembo]

Perhaps we should see an increased number of 'bidets' in our bathrooms, so we won't have to rely on toilet roll. Although the word 'bidet' is a bit too foreign for the current nationalistic climate, so it needs a new name, like 'Jacksie Fountain'. For those who cannot install a bidet, there will be plenty of leaves emerging as Spring is approaching.

[Jam]

I'd just scrape my @rse against the wall like a true working class icon.

[Merritt]

Best be careful or they'll start putting warnings on the stuff. A skull and crossbones with 'Toilet Paper Theft is Killing Home Wiping'

'You wouldn't download a bog roll'

[Jam]

Has anyone considered that the toilet roll panic buying might be due to the inevitability of excessive masturbation during a period of multiple days of self isolation? From this perspective, panic buying toilet roll is perfectly rational and practical.

[Dougella]

^^ Are those the ones where they sing and whatnot?

[Tembo]

One of the arcades in a town near to me have replaced the cuddly toys on one of their grabber machines with toilet roll..... Either an excellent trolling exercise, or a taste of our dystopic future where all basic goods must be fought for with resilience.

[Lее]

None. You don't need any. They're a luxury.

[Toxic]

Will toilet roll become the new currency?

It'll be like fallout with the bottle caps!

I hope things will be priced per sheet, not roll..it doesn't sound hugely feasible to carry several rolls on you in the off chance you want to purchase something expensive.

[Seagull]

With the majority of SAers self-isolating as a lifestyle choice long before the coronavirus was just a piece of bacteria in a Chinese open air meat market, surely us. cockroaches and the bland, irritatingly over-exposed Rachel Riley will be the only ones to survive this impending holocaust, at which point we can take our pick of the best bum chocolate wiping paper on the planet (obviously we’ll be competing with other SAers from around the globe for it, but I imagine they’ll be sufficient to go round).

[choirgirl]

Don't Muslims use water?

[Dougella]

^ Many places across Asia and the Middle East use water instead, and in other places in Europe they often have bidets.

[Seagull]

Shiitake mushrooms.

[Dougella]

^^ See that person just shouldn't have been allowed to go through the till, they should have been sent to put them back on the shelf in disgrace. (Edit, I am joking but people really shouldn't be allowed to buy that many.)

[Seagull]

^ isn’t that just a stock photo? Trolley looks like an American style one.