The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Merritt]

I'm used to always feeling like I'm not really bothered about being alive, and how great it'd be to die in my sleep, etc, but lately it's been tipping over into actually wishing I was dead. I don't know what to do about it though. You're always told to get help, but in what way? I'm on the max dose of my medication and changing it or trying anything new would take months before I'd see any benefit, that is if it didn't just make things worse, and as far as talking to someone, I'm already in group therapy and that's just an exercise in opening a wound once a week that you have to spend the next six days treating by yourself before it gets pulled open again. There doesn't even feel much point in telling anyone I feel this way, it's just presenting them with a problem they can't fix, just spreading my misery. I don't even know what I'd want anyone to say to this post. You're all really nice, but you can't help me, and I can't help any of you. Pointless, the lot of it.

[john smith]

Originally Posted by skittles88

I get how people can't help you either merrit, I feel like that too. feel like you are all really nice on here but I really don't think anything anyone can say can make me feel better. I simply just don't want to exist anymore. and I wish I wasn't here.

Yeah don't leave chat or the SAUK forum skittles.

[Derjasager]

Thanks for starting this thread and keeping it going, you are all very brave for talking about it.

[Consolida]

@ Skittles, Merrit and AireleeBray - I understand that feeling of not wanting to exist. I have a husband and son that I love dearly but nothing or nobody can take away those feelings of self loathing that are so deeply ingrained. Depression totally sucks. I wish we could all escape to that heavenly sounding cottage in the country that Melangell describes, where there's lots of sunshine and flowers and animals and all these horrid feelings would magically disappear.

Words don't change anything I know, but you are all such genuinely lovely people and I hope that someday soon you will see just a glimmer of light in the darkness.

[john smith]

Originally Posted by skittles88

can't cope with life at the moment, trying to stay strong but what bloody for...life's too much.. I have done nothing to show for my life. just a waste of space/

Funny because of the things you have achieved I would consider life achievements that have have not done.

[Consolida]

^ You certainly aren't a waste of space Skittles although I understand where you are coming from because I frequently feel that about myself. Just your posts here, believe it or not, make people such as myself feel much less alone with our Depression xx

[GentleGuy]

hi skittles and everyone else on here

sending gentle thoughts and love
you deserve to get through your struggles

paul

[Fantastical]

What's the point in fighting suicidal thoughts? Just seems to be prolonging the inevitable. Surely it would be better for everyone not to drag it out.

[Consolida]

@ Fantastical and Skittles - I don't think either of you not being here would be better for everyone or anyone but I know what it's like when you feel that you can't carry on feeling the way that you do anymore.

Words are useless I know, but I hope you both manage to get through this difficult time and find some peace of mind. Look after yourselves

[Percy]

I can certainly relate. I tried to overdose about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm frequently fighting the desire to simply call it a day. Today has actually been a pretty good day but sadly for me some issues can never be resolved, so ultimately I'll always be coming back to the urge.

[Consolida]

^ Thats very sad to hear Percy
I did wonder where you were when you had stopped posting for a while.
I'm glad today has been quite a good one for you and that you will continue to fight those urges when and if you have them again

[Percy]

^Thanks Consolida.

I don't doubt there will come a point when I stop fighting, I'm sick to death of fighting battles I simply cannot win. But I'm hanging on for now at least.

[Percy]

^Thank you Miss Skittles.

[Percy]

I don't really bother trying to fight them, I just distract myself instead. One of the reasons why I spend so much time on here. I have my own equivalent to drinking but TBH it often nowadays makes things worse.

[Percy]

Does it help you to forget?

[Fantastical]

I'm done.

[Consolida]

^ I hope you have someone you can reach out to Fantastical. There's lots of folk here who understand.
I hope tomorrow you feel a little better than today x

[Fantastical]

No one. Talking creates problems. I'm just a waste of space and everyone will be better off without me.

[Fantastical]

I've inflicted myself on other people too much already.

[Fantastical]

Don't know what else I can do.

[Laurel]

you haven't inflicted anything, come on Fanta you can get through this. It's not your job to control everything, to manage every aspect of yourself so noone can see your troubles. Relax. You are in immense pain, and you're are troubled looking in every direction how to solve it. You got to look after yourself like a wounded animal. Pain isn't like the world of computers that you can just press a button and switch it off. You got pain, you got to look after it, nurse it.

[Laurel]

I've felt this before, I think this is a sort of where your mind goes hysteric sadistically doing stuff so you can feel the pain. So discarding all your communication with your people, 'aha you think, a great way to punish myself and feel my immense pain'. Do that if helps you to feel the pain but don't be ashamed about it.
We've all got these crazy brains.

[Laurel]

I think some of us people are similar, we were brought up, and don't know how to deal with this bloated pain. Other families to see a person with such a pain they would hug, like a person cuddling a toy, to surround the pain, to nurse the pain.

[Consolida]

^ I agree with everything Midlife Bookworm has said. He/she is a wise old/young soul

Never forget that you are a very much valued member of this Forum Skittles and that you do have friends here that care.
I'm very glad to hear that you are feeling a little better this morning/afternoon x

[Percy]

Originally Posted by skittles88

yeah I was going to hang myself last night but then I realised that my cat would see it and I felt bad about that, so was going to take a overdose but just decided to take nytol and went sleep for a bit, was a bad night but I know a lot of people care, just sometimes see no point in living when just existing and got no interest in life at the moment!

[Consolida]

^ If someone says you are being lazy because you haven't got any motivation or energy to go out or do things then they obviously don't have a clue what it's like to suffer with severe Depression. Try to ignore such ignorant comments.

You know that you can always talk to the people here, myself included, as we understand what it's like to feel this way. Don't cut yourself off from the folk that understand. I'm ALWAYS happy to listen even if I don't have anything helpful to say.

To have come this far proves that you are a lot stronger than you think.
Look after yourself Skittles x

[Percy]

^^ I've had the "you're just lazy" rubbish myself. It's bad enough to suffer from a mental health condition without having to put up with such disgusting comments.

[Consolida]

^ That's good to hear Skittles, about staying strong I mean
A lot more people care about you than you might think x

[Gomen]

I have started to really ponder it now. Work is stressful and I'm not really friends with any of my coworkers.

[Percy]

Originally Posted by skittles88

I realise that now yeah, appreciate that people care why I'm still here. thanks Consolida been referred to mental health team to get better medication, doctor said I have been suffering with depression too long now and need help. but I don't really trust mental health team from my experience with them before. will give it a go again though different team might be better. xx

One of the problems I find with mental health teams is that even if you've been suffering from depression for ages it's no guarantee they can really help, depending on the source of your problem. At best they might be able to dope you up on meds, but that rarely deals with the underlying cause.