The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Chess&Junkfood]

I’m really sorry to hear how you are feeling Skittles. There are many times on the forum, like now for example, where I wish I was able to give better advice. One thing though that I have found helpful when I’m not feeling my best, is that I try to manage my time as much as possible. So if a week becomes difficult for me to deal with, I then just focus on a day. To the point where I sometimes just focus on the hour of that day. Then I try my best to fill that time in feeling better. I also try reminding myself that I know I’m not feeling great right now, but I also remind myself of the times when I have felt better. So what I do, I remind myself of an analogy. Like for example, when I deposit some money into a savings account, I realise I won't be seeing the interest of that money right away. So when I invest some energy in trying to make myself feel better, I remind myself that it will take time to see the results of that energy investment. But if I keep investing that energy in improving how I feel, then hopefully that energy will accumulate in time. Where I will then hopefully start to remember what it is like to feel better than I was.

I also hope you will continue to reach out for support! And always remember, you are just as important as anyone else! So please take care of yourself!

[Utopia]

.

[Consolida]

^ I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, Utopia, and wish that I had something helpful to say, but I know empty words from a stranger don't amount to very much

I understand only too well how hard it is to reach out to others when you suffer with SA and how the resulting feelings of isolation and hopelessness can make you feel that you don't want to carry on. I don't agree that suicide is a sign of failure, but I do agree that it would be a terrible waste of a life with so much potential.

For what it's worth, I found your recent posts in the Basement particularly thought provoking and it was clear that you are a naturally kind hearted and sensitive soul. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives!

Please don't feel ashamed. Feel proud that you have gotten this far despite all of the adversities that you've had to deal with. Honestly, folk coping with SA are some of the strongest people I know.

This awful time will eventually pass, Utopia, you'll see

Look after yourself

[Utopia]

I definitely see suicide as a complete failure in my situation -- even now. I think suicide is a terrible thing and is obviously a waste of a life; I don't mean to disrespect anyone that has actually carried this out, my life is bad, but if I had the confidence, the drive and the people skills, I would be fine. There are still some good things in my life. Suicide is death, and in my case this is simply a failure when you consider my goals in life.

I see suicide as a terrible injustice in society. The suicide rate is something like 10 times the murder rate here in the developed world, and yet people with mental health issues are so often portrayed as the perpetrators in the media. Recently Scotlands drug death statistics were brought to attention (good) but this has always been quite high, so why is the mainstream news pushing this story out now? I can't help but feel it's more politically motivated, and has more to do with the lib dems pro-drug policies. If Boris loses a vote of no confidence, it looks like an almost certain hung parliament now that the lib dems seem to be gaining support lately due to brexit. I just feel sick seeing suicide in a good light, I'm sorry, I hate it.

Thank you for responding to my negativity. I hate suicidal thoughts.

[Utopia]

^ I'm not denying it takes strength, but I don't think it's fair nor acceptable. It takes strength to carry it out, but it's also really tragic and avoidable. Many people could benefit from talking to a good psychologist and taking the medication if they can't think of a way forward.

I'm sorry you lost a friend to suicide, this is the leading cause of death for under 35s.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Utopia

I'm sorry you lost a friend to suicide, this is the leading cause of death for under 35s.

I lost a good friend this way too, and if I have never recovered from it, I wonder what it's like for his family?

Please think VERY hard before considering something so final and irreversible (not to mention tragic).

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Midlife Bookworm

My own first aid kit consists of :-

Calm phone app bedtime stories/ meditations
Aromatherapy rollerballs and pillow mist
Candles/ regular aromatherapy with tea lights
Classic DVDs ***8211; Casabalanca, Roman Holiday, Amelie
Create a comfort playlist on Spotify
Journal by typing a word document w/ password
Herbal tea (cherry bakewell)
Phone call to Breathing Space if feeling very low (Breathing Space is a Scottish helpline a bit like The Samaritans but you don't need to be in crisis to use it).

This is a good idea. I think I'm going to write myself a 'first aid kit' list. Often when people are feeling very low, they can't be bothered, or can't remember, the things that help give them comfort. I haven't seen this idea before, its a good idea.

[Bluebear]

I think the first aid kit list is a good idea. I also lost a good friend to suicide, it is tragic and I still miss her.

She had tried all the usually recommended things like meds and self help (over many years)

[Utopia]

I'm personally feeling quite stable suicide wise at the moment, although I still feel dreadful all the time. There have been many times when I have felt dreadful enough to commit suicide, including quite recently, although particularly when it is pain inflicted by another person in my life, I wouldn't wan't to give them that power over my life, regardless of their true intentions.

[Bluebear]

I’ve had the “you’re just lazy, get over it” type of rubbish from people including from mental health workers. I’m not sure what the intention is in spouting stuff like that. It certainly made me feel more alone and I will not speak to those people again.

[Bluebear]

Thanks Skittles. I can***8217;t even take medication (I***8217;ve tried many over the past few years and my body will not tolerate them) and that seems to be all they offer aside from short term CBT which is also unlikely to help me -/. I do not need or want to be told I***8217;m useless or lazy

I***8217;ve consistently found that asking for help from professionals has made me feel worse. I don***8217;t blame most of them as they simply don***8217;t have the resources to offer much of help to many with more complex issues (I have trauma from childhood and beyond and possibly Avpd although I think it***8217;s probably part of CPTSD (my avoidance)

[Bluebear]

Thanks skittles. I can tell you that you are not a waste of space..

[limey123]

Originally Posted by skittles88

sorry you lost a good friend too Limey, I heard her family are really struggling, as her nan died the day before she passed away too. I think that might of been a trigger for her. as she told me she didn't suffer from suicidal thoughts anymore last time I saw her.

Thanks, Skittles.

That's very sad that her nan died then she took her own life the next day. It sounds like a trigger, yes

Btw, you're definitely not a waste of space - please don't ever think of yourself that way!

[Utopia]

^ Well that's good, that sounds like some new found optimism and doing something you enjoy.

[john smith]

Originally Posted by Bluebear

Thanks Skittles. I can***8217;t even take medication (I***8217;ve tried many over the past few years and my body will not tolerate them) and that seems to be all they offer aside from short term CBT which is also unlikely to help me -/. I do not need or want to be told I***8217;m useless or lazy

I***8217;ve consistently found that asking for help from professionals has made me feel worse. I don***8217;t blame most of them as they simply don***8217;t have the resources to offer much of help to many with more complex issues (I have trauma from childhood and beyond and possibly Avpd although I think it***8217;s probably part of CPTSD (my avoidance)

Have you tried Sertaline? Didn't think they any meds would help me but at a higher dose it worked for me and the constant feeling of depression/hopelessness to how I am feeling now is miles better.

[john smith]

Originally Posted by skittles88

yeah, she can rest in peace now at least. Still think of her everyday. I feel as if I am cos I don't work and feel guilty for it, I have started volunteering though. and starting a jewellery course in september. I'm anxious about it but want to make stuff to sell on ebay. that way I won't have to talk to people! lol

That's cool skittles. If you do sell on eBay post a link.

Do find doing something active does make you feel more focused and better although I do tend to have initial good focus on something then quickly lose interest or get distracted by something. Although they are things I don't generally have a huge interest in like trying to read a book or even something as simple as cleaning the flat.

Looking at diff videos on YouTube on home to use After Effects for video SFX and Blender for 3d animation. Pretty amazing what you can do with "free" and free software that now the software itself does most of the menial tasks for you.

[Utopia]

Im just about ready to leave to have a fmri brain scan for this research into the rTMS treatment. It's bizzare but for the first time in ages I'm not feeling that bad depression wise, but I feel very agitated. It's as if my latest batch of medication is more effective.

Maybe it's just my anxiety, but I just worry that my brain will not look too depressed today, and may look a bit agitated.

[Pink*Lady]

I'm just not interested in anything and don't care about anything any more. So tired of waking up feeling completely empty and useless. I have everything I need and should be thankful for this a job, a roof over my head and food on the table. I'm tired of feeling like a complete outsider in society and feeling that this is how things are going to be now and that it will never change. I have no confident whatsoever in social situations and when I do speak people talk over me or ignore me. I've also had sarcastic and loud remarks directed at me from people I don't even know personally. Tired of being bullied over and over again as if I'm an object and not a person. Drinking alcohol is helping me to block out the pain. Rant over.

[Consolida]

I'm sorry that you've suffered some awful experiences Skittles. It sounds like you are well rid of your horrid ex. Don't let the toxic relationship you had with him spoil what you've got with the guy you are with now. I know from past experience that it is possible to eventually trust again. There are still some genuinely nice guys in this world

[Consolida]

^ If you can't have a rant here then where can you?!

I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time of it in one way and another Skittles
I hope things improve for you soon and your life is filled with only kind people from now on

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

I'm done talking to people. I help so many people and put energy in helping them and they treat me like crap and say I'm wasting NHS I don't deserve help ect. I have worked all my life till now. I have paid my taxes. why are people so mean!

You help and support people and they don’t support you back?

Who says you’re “wasting N.S resources” or “don’t deserve help?

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

he really shouldn't be a support worker. He is arrogant. I don't meant to bitch about others like that, but he is really harsh to unwell people/

It’s good that you’ve identified that he’s arrogant rather than blaming yourself. I don’t think a support worker should be harsh to unwell people, how is that supportive? I think everyone deserves respect and being harsh isn’t in any way respectful or supportive. Does he think he’s “superior” to someone who is unwell or who struggles in some way?

[Bluebear]

How are you apparently “wasting” resources (according to this “friend”)

[Bluebear]

He doesn’t sound like a good friend. Who needs enemies...

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

we all make mistakes!

Good post.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

it just annoyed me cos I'm just starting to try and get on with life, it's a bit of a set back for me. yeah he's the type that says get on with it....

Is this the support worker who says this? Sorry I’m a bit confused.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

I have all the texts he sent me if anyone thinks I'm making that up

I don’t think you’re making it up

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

yes... sorry I haven't slept much, so I am probably not making sense!

It makes sense.. I don’t understand how telling someone to get on with it is the slightest bit helpful especially from a support worker.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

feel a bit guilty for saying this on here now though

I don’t think you need to feel guilty. Some support workers are supportive and helpful, some maybe not so much. If everyone (including me) felt guilty for emoting then there would be no posts here at all.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by skittles88

yeah I had that in supported living too , they were just manipulating me

That sucks.