The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Tembo]

My personal life and the way this world (and particularly this country) is going, is just getting far too much. I try to be positive but it is incredibly difficult at the moment. I can’t see a way out of this shit.

[db838]

I've found myself doing research on things like finding the best, least painful way of doing it, writing notes in my head, looking up whether I should write a will. Before I could shake it off and tell myself not to be stupid but now it just seems logical, when I know it shouldn't. I don't think it is going to take much to push me over the edge now.

[newbs16]

^ I really hope things start to get better for you soon, you are welcome to message me if you would like a chat.

[gregarious_introvert]

I've been a little busy the last few days and not been here as much as usual, so I've been missing these posts.

@Tom Morello: do you have any insights into why you don't feel good about yourself? Perhaps you could start a list of your positive attributes (all of us here know that you have some) and add to it as you think of them? That way, by the time you start your course, you may feel better about being there. You say that you don't care about things like career or money, so that should remove some of the pressure at university, just try to experience it for what it is, there is no need to worry about the goal - degree, career opportunities etc. - just take what you can on a day-to-day basis and be in the present; remember, if it all gets too much, you can always quit but these days there is a lot of help available at university and try to make the most of that before you make any rash decisions. As Dougella says, finding a way of being happy with yourself is a desirable aim, whatever it takes for you to reach that, I hope you can find it.

@Aleks: try not to worry too much about the "bigger picture" (although that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you can to influence it); there are things over which we have no (direct) control and which will happen regardless of the level of turmoil they bring to our minds - it's a little like the serenity prayer, find a way to accept the things which you can't change. I know that things aren't ideal right now and that Britain seems to have taken a backward step in recent years, but I still believe that things are moving in the right direction and that what we are experiencing now is a setback rather than a U-turn - things in my lifetime have been far worse and these times will pass. As for your personal life, try to focus on the positives (there are many) and then deal with any issues which need resolving one at a time, rather than thinking about them altogether so that they seem overwhelming. I know that you have the strength to come through this.

@db838: it's good that you know what you're doing shouldn't be logical; has anything happened to make you feel this way, or is it just an amalgamation of life's struggles? Try to focus on the positives in your life and find the strength to keep going until these feelings pass (as inevitably they do, although how long that takes is anyone's guess).

I know that I've mentioned depression many times in my responses on this thread, but it is something which sucks all the joy out of life and makes everything seem hopeless, as well as taking any motivation or energy we might have to change things; it is, however, always temporary (even when it's a lifelong condition, it isn't constant, there are times when we can glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel) and when that glimmer of hope appears, we need to hold onto it with everything that we have. I hope that all three of you (and anyone else in a similar position) can see that glimmer soon.

[db838]

Cheers guys, it's just I'm in a bit of a rut in all aspects of life at the moment; work, friends, family, the way I look. I can't remember the last time I laughed at anything. Maybe I am depressed as you say.

[Pink*Lady]

Feeling very down lately. I think I'm being victimised at work.

[Tom Morello]

Thank you for the replies. GI, I don't know exactly, I've never had many friends due to anxiety and autism, plus relationships have been impossible to come by. But honestly until January of this year I was doing pretty well, I was enjoying university and the independence it was giving me, I was also progressing socially. When I went back after the Christmas break I felt completely differently, suddenly I was hating the course, missing home and feeling generally unmotivated and depressed. I left that uni in March because I couldn't cope anymore, since then it's gradually got worse due to Covid restrictions, the isolation and the negativity all around.

I applied to a university much closer to home thinking that may help me find a purpose again, but honestly I don't think I can face going whilst feeling like this, I feel I'd rather go back to my old university at this point where things are familiar and I know I have friends. I don't know if this is logical thinking given how things turned out last time though.
I can honestly only think of 2 things I like about myself, the rest I would happily change. After that post I spoke to my GP and have been given some new antidepressants, if they don't have an effect then I don't know what I'll do, I just can't see the light in anything at the moment.

[Dougella]

^ I really hope the new meds give you a bit of a lift

[Tembo]

GI, thank you for your message. I am trying to think less about current events - I no longer watch the news programmes, and have blocked certain prominent political people and commentators from my Twitter. I have also blocked lots of words to stop posts with those words appearing in my news feed (two of those words begin with a B). I still check up on the news though, as it is important, but try not to let it consume my day.
Yes, I shall try to take just one step at a time.
Your message has genuinely made me feel a little better.

[Mellie]

I can't cope anymore. trying to control my impulses , but I feel I'm heading down the self destruction road. Stopping seeing my friends, as I'm too quiet around them which makes them ask if they've done something wrong. Need to stop talking to people and isolate myself.

[Dougella]

^ Do you see that that's the opposite of what your friends want though? They just want to know that they haven't done anything to make you be more quiet. Can you be honest with them about what you're struggling with?

[gregarious_introvert]

@Pink*Lady: I'm sorry to hear that you're being victimised at work (or think that you are, which amounts to the same thing - and as it's happened to you before, then your thoughts are probably correct); is there anywhere you can turn to address the situation (HR perhaps)? Is the victimisation from management or co-workers? I hope things get better for you soon anyway.

@skittles: your friends are just concerned, they don't have an issue with you being quiet and if you're struggling with your impulses again, then you need all the support you can get. As Dougella says, be open with them, they will understand. Remember how much better things have been lately and know that you're heading in the right direction. Stay strong, because now you know this will pass.

@db838: it does have the hallmark of depression; in a more positive light, do you have work, friends and family which not everyone has (I can't comment on the way you look, but at least you're not me!).

@Tom: this sounds like depression too, the way that things changed after Christmas; Covid-19 certainly won't have helped with the extended break and isolation (I remember Chach's account of her first dance lesson after lockdown was eased). I can understand why you might feel more inclined to go back to your old uni rather than starting from scratch (is that an option at this stage?) but I hope that the new antidepressants work for you and I'm glad that you felt pro-active enough to go to your GP.

@Aleks: I wasn't suggesting that you stop watching the news entirely and I think you have the right approach now (although I'm not really au fait with how things work on Twitter); I'm glad you're feeling better anyway and I hope it stays that way - if not, you have plenty of support here.

[Mellie]

thanks for replying, I did explain I'm not good, just feel bad for being more quiet around my friend and she keeps ringing people up while with me. it makes me more anxious - I don't know what to say to her, I'm too in my own world lately. and I was trying to be there for her voices but I'm finding it too much being there for everyone's problems , especially feel more stressed as my room mate has been drinking so much and not really with it saying he wants to die all the time and it's affecting me. I don't know how to help anymore. He just sits in his room all day, and hate seeing him this way, alcohol doesn't help him. his dad took his card away so he can't drink anymore, so hoping it calms down a bit.

[Mellie]

he's going to his dads for a bit , he needs support.

[Dougella]

^^ Alcohol is a depressant so it will really only make him feel worse in the long run. It's a good idea to try and help him stop and good thing his Dad knows too.

[Consolida]

^^ That sounds like a very difficult situation for you to be in. Your roommate's alcohol problems and depression are naturally going to have a negative impact on your own mood too. It's good that he has gone to stay with his dad for awhile.

You are obviously a kind and compassionate lady Skittles but it's important that you focus on getting yourself feeling better above all else

[Mellie]

aw thanks Consolida, I feel relaxed now he is with his family. I'm calmer now, sorry for moaning! hope you are all ok xx

[girlinterrupted]

Ugh what a stressy situation Skits, so glad there's been some outside support and you're feeling a bit better. Remember to look after your own self-care

[Mellie]

yeah, feeling like a bad person though- don't think he wanted to be with his dad as he is a bit tough love with him and I also said he needs to sort himself out, feeling bad for saying that.. I didn't mean to. was just stressed as it was making me unwell.. he isn't a alcoholic by the way, he just does it when he has given up. (it's more pains in his stomach/ panic ect daily then depression) but he does get suicidal when he drinks. I hate alcohol staying away from it from now on.

[Consolida]

^ Please don't feel bad or guilty Skittles
You obviously care a lot about your roommate's mental well being and your intentions were coming from a good place when you told him that he needs to sort himself out. He is lucky to have a roommate who is looking out for him and who is trying to keep him safe.

Now it's time for you to treat yourself with some of that care and compassion that you show to your roommate and others

[Mellie]

well he's back, but promised not to drink anymore. hopefully he won't, couldn't cope at his dads. I will try to treat myself with care and compassion. it's hard when you are depressed!

[MissyP.]

Feel so depressed I dont even want to live anymore. Havent visited SAUK in a few years but really struggling now with everything.

[limey123]

^ Sorry Missy you are doing badly right now. Please seek urgent medical attention if you are feeling suicidal. Whatever is wrong, nothing is that bad.
Take care of yourself and you can always vent here if you need to.

[Mellie]

sorry to hear you aren't well MissyP, if you want to chat to me feel free to vent also, I know what it's like to have suicidal thoughts.

[Rocket Spud]

Sorry you're feeling like that, Missy - anything you wanna share? Maybe someone can advise or give comfort

[MissyP.]

Thank you guys, I did find someone to talk to and got through it last night

[Mellie]

good to hear you got through it and found someone to talk to Missy

[Sunrise]

For the first time ever I feel I've genuinely lost all hope. When I was much more depressed I always used to be optimistic that things would one day change, but I don't have that any more. Weirdly I'm not depressed, just really confused.

I'm on the verge of losing everything. I've been in similar situations before, but this is different. I'm getting old and running out of chances. And with the added threat of coronavirus and the restrictions surrounding that now looking likely to be a permanent way of life, I'm struggling to see any sort of future for me.

[Dougella]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time Sunrise. I hope that you will be able to get some help and support and things will out not to be nearly as bad as you might be fearing right now.

[girlinterrupted]

So really all I've done all day is cry- you know, the really unattractive snotty sob hysterical crying til you're heaving for air. And I could still cry now, apparently it's a bottomless pit. So many things seem to be going wrong all at once (health stuff, mother's health stuff,practical things like broken toilets and sinks and water main leaks, appointments I need to make but have no transport or MH support to keep) none of which are world shattering, and all of which most people would barely even give a thought to. I however just really really want to sit in a heap and keep crying until I pass out from exhaustion, in the hope that somehow the fairies have arrived and sorted all the crap out.

I suppose this shouldn't be in the suicide thread as I know I don't want to be dead,but I do really feel totally overwhelmed. I am trying. I am trying to do the right things, to keep busy, to make sure I try to eat ok, to workout every day even if just to a YT video, to distract myself with hobbies, to do what little self help my GPs link me to (and other resources I can find),to stay in contact with people but I can feel the urge to run and withdraw completely gnawing at me and it's getting more and more tempting,which scares me. I can't handle another complete nervous breakdown, I barely came back from the last one and I don't think I'd make it back this time. I have to be at least `ok`, my mum needs me (not to mention the last thing she needs at her age is yet more worry over me, and selfishly I don't think I can handle guilt about anything else). I don't think I'm ok though, and I'm really scared because I don't know how to be. The OCD is going wild, anxiety is high 24/7, I can barely sleep and when I do chances are I get horrific nightmares and wake up in a panic. I just never feel safe atm. I have to be ok, but what if I can't be? My GPs are pretty much useless, the last two I spoke to said #1 " be glad you have your mum and concentrate on her" and #2 picked the phone up with "what do you think I can do to help about that, we gave you the Samaritans number- also you sound fine". Cheers.

I don't even know what this post is about, a venty moan I suppose. I hate myself even more for whining. I don't really have the right, I know I'm very lucky to still have my mum for now. I just really don't feel like me anymore and I can't seem to get back to her, at least for more than a day or two at a time at most. I'm starting to not even be sure who I used to be, I just know it's not this. Apologies to anyone who made it through this mammoth rambling moan (I am very aware a lot of people have far far worse problems, I just suck at dealing with, well, anything). The rambling I can't do much about, it's very hard to think straight atm, too many thoughts.