Do you feel the more you put yourself out there, the more work you have to do?

[Sunrise]

To be a normal, functioning human being? Sometimes I think all I need to do is make the effort to put myself out there and everything will somehow fall into place, but the real world doesn't work like that, does it?

The more I try mixing with other people, the more I start to realise that I must have much more serious issues than I thought. The more I realise that a lot of my behaviour would not be considered normal, healthy or appropriate.

I need some sort of social skills boot camp I think. Unfortunately for me (but also quite understandably) most people don't want to be a teacher or a carer, but I think that's what I need. I need someone who can guide me through normal situations and show me where I'm going wrong. That's not what friendship is about though, is it? They're not there to babysit.

[anxiouslondoner]

^ I think you need a therapist to help you through this Sunrise.
I can't comment on your social skills or lack thereof but you seem to have an unhealthy hyper-critical opinion of yourself. This is probably holding you back. I doubt anyone with your degree of self-reflection can be deliberately antisocial so maybe you just need reassurance that you're doing OK, or some gentle hints to put you on the right path. We all make mistakes as we are all human, but it's important not to let those mistakes become obsessive, but to learn from them and move on.

[Mr. Nobody]

It's true that we have to "work" harder than most others when we put ourselves out there
But that's completely normal and entirely understandable
Because part of the earlier initial coping strategy can be to avoid social situations, (personally speaking)
So, when we do start to try and recover by testing the social waters it is unfortunately always going to be an uphill struggle at first,

It's a little bit like when you first start seriously exercising after a long period of relative inactivity
Those first sessions of press-ups and sit-ups feel dreadfully difficult but you build up your strength and eventually become more capable and physically stronger.

It can be daunting getting out there as you always feel like it's a bit out of your league and awkward,
But it does become easier and more manageable over time.

I think a lot of the difficulty can be around self-image as it's no fun being the one learning and playing catch-up at our age,
But it's one of these things where the longer you leave it the worse things get,
Similar to leaving physical exercise out of your daily routine
The longer you choose to leave it, the more your body atrophies.

[Sunrise]

I definitely feel like the more I do, the lower my confidence gets. I feel like I'm only getting more and more negative experiences, and am finding more faults, flaws and things that are wrong with me. It never gets easier.

Isn't it supposed to have the opposite effect? My self-esteem is getting increasingly lower the more I mix with others. Every day I feel like I'm constantly reminded that I'm not good enough and not capable.

The real world is a harsh and brutal place. I don't understand all the stuff I read about kindness and how nice and supportive people are. Most people seem too wrapped up in their own little lives to care. In most social situations you're expected to hit the ground running, especially once you've got to my age. I don't find a lot of people to be particularly patient, tolerant or accomodating when dealing with someone like me who comes across as having obvious "issues".

My obsession with self-improvement has made me incredibly cynical. What I don't understand at all is just how different I seem to experience the world. The idea that when you finally take the plunge you can go out and meet all these wonderful, kind, non-judgemental people just doesn't seem realistic to me. I feel like I'm despised by the people I meet. I don't gain any confidence from being constantly reminded that I'm the local oddball. The message I feel I constantly get is that I'm not good enough and I don't deserve love or happiness.

I don't think the world owes me a living, but I feel like I'm trying the hardest I can. I'm getting very resentful that the things that are supposed to be helping me are having the opposite effect.

[Raks1981]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

The more I try mixing with other people, the more I start to realise that I must have much more serious issues than I thought. The more I realise that a lot of my behaviour would not be considered normal, healthy or appropriate..

I'd suggest you cut back on engaging with people, since as you have stated it doesn't work for.

Instead of seeking validation from others, work on yourself.

Go to the gym, eat healthy, lose weight, buy new clothes, change your appearance, find hobbies that interest you, learn something new.

Your self esteem will improve, versus the situation you are currently in.

If you continue to seek validation from people, then you'll continue on the same path you are on now.

[Sunrise]

So my problem is that I'm a fat, lazy disgusting slob?

I'm already completely obsessed with image and appearance. I spend a fortune on my appearance, nice clothes, haircuts etc. I still spend hours each day looking in the mirror finding faults. Nothing is ever good enough. It doesn't boost my self-esteem, it lowers it. I make so much effort I'm in a constant state of stress and anxiety but it's never good enough.

Do I need to be perfect before people will love me or accept me? I feel like I'm expected to be superhuman. I'm already putting in so much effort yet that's obviously not good enough.

The only way to properly fix my appearance would be surgery, but I can't afford that and I'm not sure how much difference it would make anyway. The same people who give me grief about being ugly would probably start giving me grief about how fake and insecure I must be. If I had the money I would probably do it though.

It's so disheartening making so much effort but still coming across as someone who makes absolutely none. Nothing is ever good enough, that's what does it for my confidence and self-esteem.

[Sunrise]

I don't need validation from others, I need validation from myself.

The usual confidence boosting things don't work on me. I could spend all the money in the world on nice clothes and fancy haircuts and I would still think I look like shit. I'm already doing the best I can to polish this turd but it doesn't make me feel better, it's putting me under a lot of pressure and stress. I'm not lazy though, I feel like I do an insane amount of work on myself.

I'm not really a people pleaser at all. I learnt a long time ago that I'm useless at trying to impress people. But I think it's pretty normal and healthy to want the approval of others. Not everyone, but you want the approval of those you respect. There are situations in life where it's very important. Job interviews, dates etc. It makes life much easier having positive relationships with others. It's very difficult to function in day to day situations when you don't.

I think it's normal for people's self-esteem to be heavily influenced by external sources. How can it not be? CBT seems to involve a lot of looking at external sources to gain a supposedly more realistic view of a situation. There's a lot of looking at how other people react to you involved. I definitely remember an exercise that involved listing positive things your friends would say about you. If someone's self-esteem came entirely from within I don't think they would have a very realistic view of themselves and I don't think that would be very healthy. I'm not sure how that would even be possible.

I'm not exactly trying to win the approval of others with the posts I make on here. I know full well that many will find the things I say incredibly off-putting. But I'm not trying to impress anyone or seek their validation because I know I'm probably doing the exact opposite.

[biscuits]

The more I put myself out there, the more I have to do.

Yep, definitely. Some people are just chilled and don't mind if you're a bit rubbish socially they sort of help you along with it. Some people don't like it and would rather be around people where it feels effortless. That's okay. Most people have questionable social skills if you think about it, even if they're incredibly sociable. It not something anyone gets right all the time.

[Shy_pretty_Angela]

I think that although this sounds like a simple concept the more you accept yourself as a flawed person and dont want to be perfect or a better version of yourself the happier you become.
I only realised this recently after years of going through all the same emotions.
For me it was illness. It changed everything and all my.perceptions and Im not.wishing that on anyone buy it has changed my views on life forever!

[Amara 94]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

To be a normal, functioning human being? Sometimes I think all I need to do is make the effort to put myself out there and everything will somehow fall into place, but the real world doesn't work like that, does it?

The more I try mixing with other people, the more I start to realise that I must have much more serious issues than I thought. The more I realise that a lot of my behaviour would not be considered normal, healthy or appropriate.

I need some sort of social skills boot camp I think. Unfortunately for me (but also quite understandably) most people don't want to be a teacher or a carer, but I think that's what I need. I need someone who can guide me through normal situations and show me where I'm going wrong. That's not what friendship is about though, is it? They're not there to babysit.

I kind of think like it’s ever ending work as we are always learning and don’t know everyones story. Perhaps it’s like exercise or something, but I’m not a social expert. Maybe, like with exercise, we should detach from whether our social skills are good or not and focus more on using our social skills day to day???

I believe that a healthy family structure, which I actually feel is rare in the West nowadays, is probably foundation to building healthy social skills. More than the nuclear family, having extended family as well and stuff. For example, I feel my social skill issues actually stem from an unhealthy family abandonment and stuff. Not everyone is the same socially as we have different personalities that we have to adapt our social skills to.

Perhaps you do have serious issues, i think I do, but then I also think that a lot of other people have serious issues. Some people hide it behind something else like an addiction or behaviours and values for example. You should acknowledge and work on them.

When it comes to social skills neurotype should also be considered. I feel like a lot of social skills is catered to neurotypical people.