Do you ever wonder where and how it will all end?

[Moksha]

I am in my 30s now, without a job, crippled by chronic SA and living with my mother. I have no children, no nieces and nephews, and no cousins, just a younger sister who doesn't want kids. My father is dead and I have only one close friend. When I was younger I just assumed that things would work out for the best: that I'd die in my sleep at the heart of a happy, close family. But if life has taught me one lesson over and over again it is how savagely, staggeringly merciless, cruel and unfair it is. When my mother dies I will most probably carry on living here alone. I'm not sure I could stand a proper relationship, and I'm bored of meeting women online for casual flings. I imagine I'll find some easy, stress free job, just enough to pay for food, electricity and the council tax. But then what? The problem is I am kind of sick of life. I have no motivation to get better. My SA is deeply ingrained, plus I am very misanthropic and simply don't like most people I meet. I don't want a career and a mortgage and children. I am so introverted that social interaction exhausts me and I need a lot of silence and alone time. Such personality flaws never get better; they get worse. I can see myself growing old in total isolation. But what if I get cancer when I'm in my 60s? I would have to go for my treatment alone, probably by taxi...Christ that is a scary thought. And how about extreme old age? How do completely isolated old people, with no children or family, end their lives? I suppose they often die and remain undiscovered for a few days. Do you ever wonder how it will all end for you?

[Purple Lightning]

I don't really think about this these days to be honest. I'm too busy with the here and now. I try not to look too far ahead ... just taking one day at a time because it's all I can do and then, when the end comes, I'll have to accept whatever that involves - hopefully I can look back and know I did my best to improve things for myself during my life.

[les]

I am pretty much in the same boat, I am in my early fifties and my only living relative is my 86 year old father.
What scares me most is being ill or injured and dependent on strangers for help I fear this scenario more than death, to that end I plan to take control of my own destiny and end my own life before I get too decrepid.
This is in no way a post that advocates suicide but ones right to take control of their own lives end.

[catlover]

I am hoping my death will be quick and without warning.

The idea of living out my last years in some kind of institution, unable to take care of myself, is frightening.

[-Simon-]

Originally Posted by Moksha

The problem is I am kind of sick of life. I have no motivation

So are you ok financially, you've got a home and do not lack basic necessities? If you have not had to work for this, and feel no compulsion to accumulate more than is necessary for your survival, I think that lack of drive will leave you feeling fed up and giving too much thought to the final curtain. We all need a bit of challenge, some goal to strive for and some obstacles to overcome, otherwise we're just marking time, waiting for that tap on the shoulder from the cold hand of death.

[BritishPeace]

Yeah absolutely but I welcome death. I have almost killed purposefully myself with barbiturates, like they do in Dignitas, many times over. I so wanna die.

[SgtLeper]

I'm not happy. I'm scared. I do know though that I do not want to die. There is still joy to be had here, beauty to see and feelings to be felt, good or bad.

[ladylou]

It's not nice to think I could end up all alone and noone there for me at all if I got really ill old and frail,maybe someone for companionship and a few pets , I would be ok with that , the whole having children thing too I'm not totally bothered about it's not the be and end all of things it might change someday but i'm not going to hold any hopes for that one.

[indiegirl1980]

I hope I will go in my own bed with a cat purring on my chest.
Sir Terry Pratchett had a pretty good ending.

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by SgtLeper

There is still joy to be had here, beauty to see and feelings to be felt, good or bad.

Exactly

Originally Posted by indiegirl1980

I hope I will go in my own bed with a cat purring on my chest.

Sounds like a damn good way to go


These days I try not to think about where and how because I'd worry myself to death if I did. One sure thing in life is that we are all going to die some time so we may as well plod on towards the finishing line graspng at the odd glimmer of hope as we go.

[Coffee]

Originally Posted by silenus

Once I heard somebody say, 'you've just got to ride the pig into the mud'.

Don't know exactly what he meant, but I have adopted it as my personal motto.

Ha, I have no idea what that means but I like it too!

[Phool]

Not wonder exactly. But I have a lot of thoughts about it and wish it would hurry up.

[DaughterOfTheRains]

Yes, I think about that to some extent. Depressing thoughts.

[Phool]

Originally Posted by Moksha

I am in my 30s now, without a job, crippled by chronic SA and living with my mother. I have no children, no nieces and nephews, and no cousins, just a younger sister who doesn't want kids. My father is dead and I have only one close...

I am in a similar position. In my 40s, father died a long time ago, I am an only child, I have cousins but don't see them regularly. I have a handful of friends, mostly former colleagues and none that I see regularly. I have a job but I like contracting as permanent work makes my SA go through the roof. I am in a relationship with someone I met on here, we live in different cities but with our SA it works for us as we are not in each others faces all the time. He is also an only child and his parents have passed away.

I think the last two things I wanted to say because they have only happened in the last two to three years and it is possible to have SA but have a job and relationship that is suitable for you. It doesn't have to be the conventional 9to5 job, 2.4 kids semi detached house etc. There are many different ways of living a life.

[catlover]

^ It is good to hear of your accomplishments in the areas of work and relationships. Shows that one can still get on with living despite SA.

[ZombieChris]

I'm in a very similar situation Moksha although my only friends are online 'aquaintances'. I feel when my mum passes away I'll have even less reason to keep on going.

A couple of weeks ago I had to have one of my dogs put to sleep as he had bad diabetes that we could not get under control with insulin. It was horribly sad but also amazingly quick and peaceful. All I can think now is I wish they did that for humans too.

I'm sorry if that's not what people want to hear it's just how I feel right now.

[Mortigantoj]

^ WOAH!!! Where have you been, dude?

[Concept]

I have to believe it'll get better. There's no other choice.

[tituscrow]

Sometimes the future feels like a train coming right at me.
I fantasise about things magically working themselves out but most likely they wont, the future scares me. I have no real friends, I've got my sister but I cant lean on her all the time. I work for my parents and when they go I will not be able to run this business on my own. So I'll lose them and my income.

[Mo34]

I never used to.
But these days I think about it from time to time. tbh I think it has been one of the motivating factors to me getting private couselling and pushing myself more.

I had a crisis of sorts (anxiety wise) and withdrew and became unable to work. But at the same time my mother had dementia and passed away, watching her die was very difficult and I seemed to suppress grief so still haven't come to terms with it properly. I also got diagnosed with cancer during this (my mothers illness not death) and had to go through it with no family support. My thoughts whilst lying in a hospital bed were mostly that i meant nothing to anyone. That my life was meaningless. I had very daft but dark thoughts of being buried/cremated by the state with no one there etc etc..
I did recover but it shakes you out of the idea that death is years away. Cause In truth it may not be.

My dad's getting on and is in ill health. I'm aware he will die possibly in the next 2, 5, 10 ? years. Which I find hard to think about. Cause I really will be on my own.

All of the above has made me think about my own future and mortality. I used to get black depression thinking about dying alone etc..(slightly suicidal periods aside) but in the end I decided to try and push myself out there if I can. If I matter to just one person when I go (whenever that may be) I'd call it a successful life. I do want more than that but that would suffice the minimum.

[amatista]

I use to think about that, and I have 2 different stories:
-Lying on a bed dying, thinking about how difficult my life was. Suffering for not doing the most I could do to face it. Thinking about: this is all, just a memory, how stupid I was, life just passed quick and I did nothing. Now it's so easy to see all the lies I had in my mind, all the paranoia...nothing is so important now, it really doesn't matter. I don't see all those people now, some for years, many of them I also saw once in my life. Nobody cares about what I've done, I should have done other things. I do care now what I didn't do, just me. I could start 50-40-30-20!! years ago and now I would be happy...Crying and saying sorry to my soul and the life.
-Lying on a bed dying, watching some people sitting next to me, people that I don't know yet. Looking at me and smiling. I'm thinking about how difficult my life was. Feeling so good because one day I decided to do something. Feeling so proud and brave. It seemed to be very hard, but now it's so easy to see...I'm glad I didn't believe that I couldn't change. I did all what I could do, I don't want to change anything, I understand myself and everything is alright in this way. It was an interesting life, trying to know how to live and be happy...I say thanks to my soul and the life for being so beautiful, always there waiting patiently the moment I decided to do something...everyday of my life doing something only to let them free. My soul and the life say thanks to me for giving them the oportunity to be free and express themselves. It was worth all the effort, I feel happy. I can die in peace :-)

[shadowonthewall]

I'm hoping to have the courage to commit suicide, but I have been trying to summon that courage for many years now. What really frightens me is the advances that might be made in the field of prolonguing life. It is thought that humans could be virtually immortal sometime soon.

If our attitudes towards death do not keep pace with advancing technology (and currently, society's attitudes towards death are still stuck in the neolithic era) then unhappy people may effectively be forced to suffer horrendously for literally hundreds of years.

Even if that isn't the case, it gives me a poignant feeling to imagine that I just die in my flat one day and my body is only discovered after the neighbours complain to the council about the stench...and nobody even knows me let alone wants to attend my funeral. I actually saw a case like that on TV.

[Mo34]

Originally Posted by Johnny88

^jeez that's quite harrowing imagining you going through that phase bless you!
It sounds like you are in a much better place now though which is great to hear.

Thanks

Sorry I seem to keep missing posts, lol.

[Dandelion10]

I've always assumed that I will be in my 80's at least, heart trouble is the most common cause of death in my family.

It doesn't really matter to me if I die alone and it's a state burial, cos I'll be dead and have already battled a lot and earned my pride.

I know two people who married 'to not be alone' so it's not a fear exclusive to SA.

Be concerned with how you live not how you die, you're still young.

I'm sorry you feel that way Shadowonthewall.

[neilm]

Ime sure that everone in the world thinks about how and when they will die. The knowledge of ones own mortality is, I suppose, the curse of being self aware

No matter how smart/clever/beautiful/rich/popular etc anyone is , they are going to die. That's just the way it is.

There really is absolutely no point in dwelling on the matter, as I cant see what good comes of doing so.

Like I say everyone does it (myself included) but best to do so as little as possible, because after all I don't see that its the most healthy thought process.

That's my thoughts anyway....

[Ronnie_Pickering]

Death is absolutely mind-boggling. And it can happen to anyone. Earlier in history we maybe had a better perception of death. Now, we have a perception that everyone will live to 80, and anything below is unthinkable.

[neilm]

Originally Posted by silenus

^ Absolutely. I hope a piano drops on my head or something. The thought of being dead doesn't bother me but I am terrified of a drawn-out terminal illness.

^^ I don't know about that. Dwelling on death probably isn't healthy, but neither is denial. I think it's important to live in the knowledge that we are going to die. Tolstoy's story The Death of Ivan Ilyich really made me think about this. I think everyone should read it. I would also recommend Montaigne's essay To Philosophise is to Learn to Die.

Sure, accept the fact that life is finite (alas) and then carry on with living it.

[Cairn]

It will hopefully end with me getting smashed on smarties cocktails and shooting up a bag of shitty heroin, with a smile on my face knowing that I've actually had some good times.

Times running out though.

[Z.]

I'll probably end up found dead naked in a skip with a heroin needle stuck up my arse.

[Cairn]

Well I hope you die mid kebab just after watching a cracking MMA Match.