Do you feel that people expect you to try harder than everyone else?

[Effervescing Elephant]

At work I feel that people exclude me from their conversations and their clique. I even went as far as mentioning this to my line manager who told me "you get out of socialising what you put in".

That seems fair enough but I find that I have to force my way into any conversation. I'm not included naturally. I could understand this the first few times but don't people ever get the message that I want to be part of the group?

The one thing that people at work do know about me is that I like movies but this is is a subject that is very rarely every discussed, except oddly when I'm away from my desk. It's not uncommon for me to come back to my desk to find people discussing something I might be interested in but nobody ever asks me "Hey Dave, what do you think?" If I try to start a conversation on something I'm interested in it tends to get stamped out quickly; either the talk just does out or someone talk right over me about something else.

I often used to ask other people about their interests and activities and I would get a brief reply but the interest was not returned. I've given up now.

Recently I was off work for a week and on my return not one person asked how I was (I usually ask people if they are better when they have been off sick). My colleagues knew I was off with back problems (because an email had gone round about it) so they can't have been worried that I was off with something potentially terminal or embarrassing that they might feel uncomfortable asking about.

In fact I'm giving up interacting with people at work more and more and I've become virtually mute. I'm not even saying "good morning" or "goodnight" because people stopped saying it to me. It feels like I'm having to grovel for any little bit of attention or interaction.

These same colleagues just fall over themselves to include other people in their clique though.

It's making me very depressed.

Can anybody relate to this?

[misska]

hi, yes i can relate to that at my work and with my family its the same. I can never seem to fit in any group at my work and always on my own, wish things were different not sure what the answer is though

[black_mamba]

From observing many different types of people and conversations, I've always felt when people enter a conversation it seems as if they had to force their way in. I always feel that way when I enter a conversation myself. SA makes it hard as we feel we should be included in a more organic and gentle way as standard, but unfortunately that is not the way it works most of the time. Don't take it as an insult, just keep going. Speak to your colleagues how you wish to be treated (ask they how their holidays were, ask them opinions on their areas of interest, put them at ease by smiling, etc.) and be consistent (i.e. don't just give up after one day). After a while they should start to reciprocate.

[Fizzbomb]

Some time ago at work there was this little group of cool young/youngish people who used to go out regularly for drinks and not ask me although I was a similar age. I used to feel really left out. I even asked one of them about going out with them as subtly as I could and he just panicked and blustered, "Oh I'll have to ask them". I never heard back. After this girl who was the leader of the group left, then the whole group seem to disband. After that other work dos were organised by other people and I was always included. I think it was this one girl who influenced everyone else. I have my theories as to why I was excluded - think it was partly because I went to a comprehensive school while they were all privately educated, the town I was from and also strangely enough because they knew I liked sci-fi and this girl considered that to be a bit weird. You had to be the same as them to fit in with them. Once I stopped caring so much about whether they included me I seemed to get more popular strangely enough.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by siddartha

Hi,
I went through something similar at my old workplace. During the day, because everyone was kept busy, there was little time to chat. Those that did were good friends so it didn't mind me that I wasn't included.

However staff members regularly socialised at the weekend. Initially I thought this was because I was new, that maybe they were close knit. I was dispirited when new short-term interns arrived yet they were always invited for dinner with the group. This repeated itself and I became quite sad when it dawned on me that I was personally excluded. I didn't raise it as an issue to anybody because I was reluctant to show anybody I was affected by it.

My response was to pursue activities that filled my spare time (where I could also find like minded people) and, most importantly, gave me something to look forward to after work. It wasn't a great feeling entering the office knowing I was the odd one out but then (after some months) people began asking me about the things I got up to in the weekend. Some found it interesting and wanted stories or information.

I realise focusing on myself, on what made me happy/content, gave me the self-assurance to keep my head held high after a year of anguish.

I was happy to leave when I did. Looking back, I realise the place wasn't suited to me. Not every place will be suitable for all.

You described my college situation I in a work setting

I'm just recently making myself happy by doing what I need to do. This is making me more optimistic than usual but tbh the fact my friends arent real does make me feel abit sad. But then idt they are the right group for me.

[tryinghard]

Story of my life, but I agree with the others that you need to find the place where you fit in - it isn't only about you fitting in with others, it's about them fitting in with you.

A lot of people my age are interested in other things than me, but I often find people who have similar interests outside of work. Nowadays I work with people who are a lot older than myself and they tend to be less cliquey because people tend to grow out of these things. I get along with them fine.

I love film too, I studied it at university. Have you thought about finding a local film group, where you might be able to discuss your interests with others? You'll find you don't need to fit in at work if it's just a job (you can always be looking for others) - you can fit in outside of work with people that are more like you.

Maybe it's worth asking yourself this - do you like your colleagues? Would you want to hang around with them? Do they have enough in common with you that you think you'd be able to have enjoyable conversations with them, or would you always be trying to fit in with them or waiting for them to speak about something you are interested in? If not, then why get too hung up about it?

[GoldFish]

There seems to be this really interesting theory behind effort and trying. To some people not trying, makes things effortless and fluid and it makes them naturally work at the things they truly want because they aren't forcing themselves into tasks they think they should be doing, they just do what they want, when they want and that paves their life and careers, interests.

While others take the gruelling route of trying very hard on the things they think they should do, because of conditioning and upbringing. Often stemmed from a cliched institunalised style of conditioning, from parents, schools, the media, tv shows etc.

Others do things because they just made a quick decision based on something simple and never questioned it since.

I suppose my point is. Maybe take a step back. Take it easy. Let your interests come to you through not forcing them onto yourself through the outside control of other people. Y'know. The outside world can be like a good salesman. They have this product aka (uni courses, hobbies, cliches), they advertise it. Make it look appealing. But why would you want to be involved with it? Because other people say it's glamerous and appealing or because you truly want to do that.