Does anyone here struggle with eye contact?

[Happy & SAD]

For me, one of the most debilitating and frustrating things that happens is my inability at times to make proper meaningful eye contact with people. I don't mean the type where you want to keep your head down, but the sort when you can't hold eye contact and you are so nervous when you are doing it that you hold your breath and can't hear what the other person is saying. It has taken over my life, but I have learnt to deal with it most of the time. The problem is that other people don't understand it. I've never met or come across anyone else that has it. I would love to as it would be so nice to talk about it with someone. I have tried to talk about it with friends and family (as it even happens to me when I am with them), but it is such a difficult concept for them to grasp that the conversation never normally goes very far. The result of this issue in my life is that I struggle to make deep friendship with people. I become friends with them but this problem acts as a barrier that stops me from really connecting with them.

I have just realised how nerve wracking it is putting a thread like this on here, because you worry that if no one replies then you must be the only person who suffers from it! Anyway, here goes...

[wowdude]

i thought i looked in the eyes of people but i realized i look behind them like an inch away from their head or something.

[david mckenna]

Originally Posted by Happy & SAD

For me, one of the most debilitating and frustrating things that happens is my inability at times to make proper meaningful eye contact with people. I don't mean the type where you want to keep your head down, but the sort when you can't hold eye contact and you are so nervous when you are doing it that you hold your breath and can't hear what the other person is saying. It has taken over my life, but I have learnt to deal with it most of the time. The problem is that other people don't understand it. I've never met or come across anyone else that has it. I would love to as it would be so nice to talk about it with someone. I have tried to talk about it with friends and family (as it even happens to me when I am with them), but it is such a difficult concept for them to grasp that the conversation never normally goes very far. The result of this issue in my life is that I struggle to make deep friendship with people. I become friends with them but this problem acts as a barrier that stops me from really connecting with them.

I have just realised how nerve wracking it is putting a thread like this on here, because you worry that if no one replies then you must be the only person who suffers from it! Anyway, here goes...

i think ull find most of us have this problem

[AW]

I think SA affects people pretty differently. My doctor actually noted on my referral the other day that I 'had good eye contact' throughout my appointment. However I myself feel that it sometimes lets me down and I find it hard, especially around people I find attractive or awkward.

this is one of my problems, definitely.

same as you, i cant hold eye contact, and i blush when people look at me, and i hold my breath and panic.

since i've been on my meds i've found it slightly easier, though i think that the only thing that will 'cure' it in the longterm is therapy such as CBT to get the originating thoughts out of my head.

[Biggie14]

Only with people I don't know well, and girls. I just don't want them thinking things like 'what the hell is he staring at?'

[Undecided]

Not so much nowadays but it used to be a big problem for me when I was younger. I think because teachers made such a big deal about me not making eye contact that I forced myself to make more eye contact with people I know and it became easier. I still find it hard to make eye contact with strangers in everyday situations(like being served at a shop or a cafe)though.

[Lost Soul]

I dislike making eye contact too. I'll look into a person's eyes enough to ensure they know I'm paying attention to them while talking, but most of the time I have an uncontrollable urge to look away.

I'm not exactly sure why this is. I think perhaps I'm afraid that I'll see something in their facial expression through the eyes that indicates a negative reaction towards me, or perhaps I just don't like the idea of being looked at. I'm not sure.

[hardy]

This topic comes up regulary . there ought to be a permanent info section on this site!
Theres been quite a bit of psychlogical research on this subject . I think you can cause yourself too much anxiety by thinking about it. If you look now and again it usually looks ok. Just as long as you dont avoid contact totally or stare. As with most Sa things if yoiu try to do it by rule . It doesn't work. It usually happens automatically when you have sufficient self confidence so just look occasionally and that will be perfectly acceptable.

[stew2yk]

Eye contact is a great character of SA. The funny thing is, you say that you have never met anyone who is the same. But do you advertise the fact that you feel this way? It's very personal, not something you would share with just anyone for fear of feeling crazy or stupid! I bet you have met many people that feel just the same as you do, but cannot or will not let you know!

[-Simon-]

I often struggle with this to varying degrees depending on how confident I'm feeling, sometimes I can't do it at all. I did some workshops about body language and assertiveness through my work a few years back and I think it starts to feel more natural through practice (as with anything). Sometimes I cheat by looking at the space between their eyes and eyebrows which I hope seems like eye contact. I've never been sure how much is too little or too much and I don't think there can be any hard and fast rule about this. It is something I've had to make a conscious effort to do as apparently people may think you're a bit shifty/untrustworthy if you avoid it completely.

[hardy]

" Sometimes I cheat by looking at the space between their eyes and eyebrows which I hope seems like eye contact. I've never been sure how much is too little or too much and I don't think there can be any hard and fast rule about this. It is something I've had to make a conscious effort to do as apparently people may think you're a bit shifty/untrustworthy if you avoid it completely."

Thats absolutely good enough . As long as you don't completely avoid contact its fine. Its only the total absense of eye contact or extreme staring will people notice . There is no exact "correct" amount as "normal " people vary a great deal.

[pboy]

What I find a struggle is maintaining conversations when trying out eye contact. Because avoiding eye contact is such an automatic habit for me I have to make conscious effort to do it. And when I do that it seems to make me more self conscious and aware of 'how I think I'm coming across'. I then start losing focus on the conversation and getting lost in the negative cycle.

[-Simon-]

Originally Posted by pboy

What I find a struggle is maintaining conversations when trying out eye contact. Because avoiding eye contact is such an automatic habit for me I have to make conscious effort to do it. And when I do that it seems to make me more self conscious and aware of 'how I think I'm coming across'. I then start losing focus on the conversation and getting lost in the negative cycle.

I had this problem when I first started making a conscious effort to do the eye thing, it does get easier with practice - well it did for me anyway. Having said that, I'm getting a bit out of practice again as I now live and work alone with very little contact with the world.

[Defiance]

I used to have the same problem ...i found it really hard to keep eye contact

...however these days it's pretty good
there is sometimes a little discomfort if it is an attractive female ..but i seem to be able to handle it.

[neski]

defo an SA thing, but whats worse the more you think 'i have to make eye contact' the harder it becomes, i can be chatting to someone, and then suddenly, i worry about the eye contact thing, then it becomes an issue....i find people that constantly stare right in your eyeballs a bit odd anyway! im usually ok, but sometimes get sidelined by the 'your eyes are making me a bit freaked' monster...you're not alone my friend

[bozrena]

Eye contact is my biggest failing in job interviews (well, that and interrupting people sometimes!) - I feel so weird trying to look people in the eye because I hardly ever have eye contact with anyone in real life!

[Bob Garside]

I mainly struggle, eye contact-wise, with 'normal', un-shy people.

What's weird is, when you get to know them, they're often far more fuct-up and insecure than most of 'us' on here.

And yet, my eyes still thrust low in their presence.

What's all that about?

[alpha]

Originally Posted by Happy & SAD

For me, one of the most debilitating and frustrating things that happens is my inability at times to make proper meaningful eye contact with people. I don't mean the type where you want to keep your head down, but the sort when you can't hold eye contact and you are so nervous when you are doing it that you hold your breath and can't hear what the other person is saying. It has taken over my life, but I have learnt to deal with it most of the time. The problem is that other people don't understand it. I've never met or come across anyone else that has it. I would love to as it would be so nice to talk about it with someone. I have tried to talk about it with friends and family (as it even happens to me when I am with them), but it is such a difficult concept for them to grasp that the conversation never normally goes very far. The result of this issue in my life is that I struggle to make deep friendship with people. I become friends with them but this problem acts as a barrier that stops me from really connecting with them.

I have just realised how nerve wracking it is putting a thread like this on here, because you worry that if no one replies then you must be the only person who suffers from it! Anyway, here goes...

Hi, I have had exactly this problem and sufferred from it badly and practically everything you say I can really relate to. For instance not being able to hold eye contact, feeling extremely nervous, holding your breath, not being able to hear the other person because you cannot concentrate, even having it with friends and family, not being able to form close relationships with people. These are all things that I can totally relate to along with the feeling of it having so much negative impact on you that you feel as if it is taking over your life.

As I said I used to have this problem quite severely and it has taken me a long time and quite a lot of CBT therapy and hard work to overcome it. I am now vastly better than I used to be to the extent that I don't feel anywhere near as nervous as I used to in eye contact situations, have formed some close relationships with friends recently and am a lot less conscious of my eye contact. I wouldn't say I am 100% but am certainly getting there. So the good news is that there is something you can do about it and people do get better. If you would like to PM me to talk about this than feel free, it would also be nice from my point of view to talk to someone who has had this problem.

[notar]

Originally Posted by alpha

Hi, I have had exactly this problem and sufferred from it badly and practically everything you say I can really relate to. For instance not being able to hold eye contact, feeling extremely nervous, holding your breath, not being able to hear the other person because you cannot concentrate, even having it with friends and family, not being able to form close relationships with people. These are all things that I can totally relate to along with the feeling of it having so much negative impact on you that you feel as if it is taking over your life.

As I said I used to have this problem quite severely and it has taken me a long time and quite a lot of CBT therapy and hard work to overcome it. I am now vastly better than I used to be to the extent that I don't feel anywhere near as nervous as I used to in eye contact situations, have formed some close relationships with friends recently and am a lot less conscious of my eye contact. I wouldn't say I am 100% but am certainly getting there. So the good news is that there is something you can do about it and people do get better. If you would like to PM me to talk about this than feel free, it would also be nice from my point of view to talk to someone who has had this problem.

[notar]

I'm 45yrs old and I've been struggling with eye contact as far as
I can remember.Have you taken medication for this,if so which ones

Notar

[nickabcuk]

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted, but I thought I'd start throwing in the odd post when I can.

I also used to find eye contact very uncomfortable and would spend much of my time staring at my shoes, the table or the floor just behind someone.

Hardy said it right when he said not to give the matter too much thought and not to try and follow any kind of rule. It's important to remember what the purpose of eye contact is, and that's to show the other person we are interested in what they are say and that we are paying attention. If we end up looking at the person but still appear distant because we are worrying about our eye contact then then the purpose of eye contact has no been fulfilled.

The best strategy is to look at the person's face and make a conscious effort to focus on what they are saying so you can engage fully in the conversation. Your eyes will naturally move about as you think about what the person's saying and respond to them. Giving it too much conscious attention will trip you up. I guess it's like when you think about typing too much and suddenly you can't type as well as you normal could.

Hope this add something useful to the discussion.

Best wishes,

Nick

[notar]

Originally Posted by alpha

Hi, I have had exactly this problem and sufferred from it badly and practically everything you say I can really relate to. For instance not being able to hold eye contact, feeling extremely nervous, holding your breath, not being able to hear the other person because you cannot concentrate, even having it with friends and family, not being able to form close relationships with people. These are all things that I can totally relate to along with the feeling of it having so much negative impact on you that you feel as if it is taking over your life.

As I said I used to have this problem quite severely and it has taken me a long time and quite a lot of CBT therapy and hard work to overcome it. I am now vastly better than I used to be to the extent that I don't feel anywhere near as nervous as I used to in eye contact situations, have formed some close relationships with friends recently and am a lot less conscious of my eye contact. I wouldn't say I am 100% but am certainly getting there. So the good news is that there is something you can do about it and people do get better. If you would like to PM me to talk about this than feel free, it would also be nice from my point of view to talk to someone who has had this problem.

Hi Alpha,
I'm new on the board.The reason I joined is to get more info on
why I can't make eye contact. Up until recently I thought I was
the only person with this problem.Can u please tell me what
medication u used to help u with this?
HELP,
Notar

[Barjavel]

I find it to be a real struggle at times and as others have mentioned I sometimes end up staring at noses, eyebrows, mouths and even right through people which must be disconcerting for them. I'll find as I'm trying to concentrate on achieving good eye contact I'll suddenly realise I haven't the foggiest what they're actually saying because I'm worrying about it so much.

And it's even worse when I'm the one doing the talking (as rare an occurance as that is) I just can't look at peoples faces as any glint of emotion from them could make me suddenly freeze up. I'll look straight ahead as I'm talking, usually waving my hands around in an unnecessary fashion. Which likely makes me seem like a complete nutter.

[Passionate]

Who told you its important looking someone in the eyes..99% ppl can't do it..but there are some styles..if you are talking about sumthn serious and u mean business then u have to luk in the area forehead and above nose....but if you are in a freindly conversation u can luk at the face..or can observe all the face....but it never is importnt lukn someone in the eyes durin the whole conversation.....most ppl who seem to be doin this are not actually luk in the eyes they are lukn above nose and forehead areas....

[zork]

Originally Posted by Happy & SAD

For me, one of the most debilitating and frustrating things that happens is my inability at times to make proper meaningful eye contact with people. I don't mean the type where you want to keep your head down, but the sort when you can't hold eye contact and you are so nervous when you are doing it that you hold your breath and can't hear what the other person is saying. It has taken over my life, but I have learnt to deal with it most of the time. The problem is that other people don't understand it. I've never met or come across anyone else that has it. I would love to as it would be so nice to talk about it with someone. I have tried to talk about it with friends and family (as it even happens to me when I am with them), but it is such a difficult concept for them to grasp that the conversation never normally goes very far. The result of this issue in my life is that I struggle to make deep friendship with people. I become friends with them but this problem acts as a barrier that stops me from really connecting with them.

I have just realised how nerve wracking it is putting a thread like this on here, because you worry that if no one replies then you must be the only person who suffers from it! Anyway, here goes...

Its a major problem for me, I usually find people think Im strange cos of my bad eye contact and I often get misunderstood cos of it. Doubt Il ever get over it and its a major cause in my lack of success career wise. Seems to go hand in hand with blushing for me and I constantly feel awkward and wretched when talking to people

[Jaffaholic]

i struggle with eye contact aswell. but atm i have been challenging myself over over again to keep eye contact!

still trying.