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  #1  
Old 22nd July 2012, 11:59
syntax syntax is offline
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Default How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

I think the major issue i have with social anxiety is that after big social events I look back the day after and feel really frustrated dissapointed that my feelings of insecurity have ruined the night.

It was my birthday yesterday and had a little party at my house with my friends, it was going really well to be honest, but I felt the usual anxiety that i feel in these situations and was finding it really difficult to make eye contact and was feeling really uncomfortable etc

I have actually been feeling ok with things in general i just find it upsetting to think how my social anxiety has effected such events as these. The day after i always look back and feel down about it

Just wondered if there was a positive way to look at these things, and if there where any ways to cheer up about it?

Thanks
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  #2  
Old 22nd July 2012, 13:39
png png is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Happy Birthday for yesterday

The post-match analysis thing is difficult to avoid altogether as it tends to be part of the SA territory. It's exactly the kind of thing that might improve with CBT though since it tends to be based on assumptions.

I find it helps to avoid catastrophising, by instead keeping things in perspective, e.g.: memory can play tricks on us, especially if we are under stress, so take what you can remember with a pinch of salt. The perception of events by other people is probably far less negative than our own experience. E.g. someone could be having a panic attack and many people wouldn't even know. Even if someone did notice something, like perhaps shaking or blushing, or not saying much, or saying something a bit silly, it probably wouldn't make much difference to them, but we might attach too much importance to it.

Perhaps it would help to chat with some of the people who were there – not necessarily about events but just to help reassure yourself that all's well, if you haven't already.
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  #3  
Old 22nd July 2012, 17:55
syntax syntax is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Thanks so much pantini for your response.

Yeah, im not so focussed on how i come across in these situations anymore, i used to really worry if i was coming across nervous etc...but i am not so fussed anymore. I guess its just the feeling of disappointment that another event was badly effected by feeling uncomfortable in social situations.

I guess i just need to keep going and am determined to feel better in such situations in the future. I will see if theres some positive things i can gather from the night and ask my friends if they had a good time etc
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  #4  
Old 22nd July 2012, 18:34
kafkafan kafkafan is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

I think in the immediate aftermath, when your anxiety and negetive feelings are super-high, it can be best to just try hard to distract yourself temporarily and cut off the ruminating instead of engaging with it right then. Maybe just write down the main thoughts you're having, before doing something that'll take up most of your attention. Then later when calmer try and rationalise the thoughts. Like pantini said CBT techniques can be really helpful. I searched for thinking errors a while ago and found this page useful, though it's not about SA specifically, gives you some pretty good ideas of how to question your thoughts: http://essex-behavioural-therapy.co....hinking-errors

I'm making it sound dead easy but I know it's not - this is probably my biggest problem too - got to the point where even if I'm not worried about a social situation, I am worried about the massive down / panicky self-hating that I know'll happen afterwards, even if it goes well!
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  #5  
Old 22nd July 2012, 18:48
syntax syntax is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Quote:
Originally Posted by kafkafan
I think in the immediate aftermath, when your anxiety and negetive feelings are super-high, it can be best to just try hard to distract yourself temporarily and cut off the ruminating instead of engaging with it right then. Maybe just write down the main thoughts you're having, before doing something that'll take up most of your attention. Then later when calmer try and rationalise the thoughts.
Yes, this is what i think i will do for now, just place my focus elsewhere and then maybe come back to it a bit later. Its a bit too close to the event for me to think about it without feeling too dejected about the whole thing.

Thankyou
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  #6  
Old 22nd July 2012, 19:42
Whack-A-Mole Whack-A-Mole is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

I think, in that situation, there is really no need to be socially anxious as the dead can't really judge you. Often, though, if their eyes are still open, they look kinda alive, and it can almost appear like they're looking at you, which can oft tend to make one feel a tad paras.

Ironically, no morticians I know have social anxiety, but many use recreational drugs and male ones tend to sport moustaches.
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  #7  
Old 22nd July 2012, 21:08
G-1 G-1 is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Some very good advice already given in this thread..... what you want to avoid is doing a negative post mortem or any post mortem at all really, so try and acknowledge the positives (i.e. I went out, I did it! type of thing) and then recognise that you will be prone to unhelpful thinking during the aftermath of a social event and immerse yourself in something else as Kafkafan says until you are feeling more rational, rather than poring over the minutae of any interactions you had during the social event. And when you're out of the danger zone of negative rumination perhaps remember any things that went well without mulling over the whole thing too much. It can also be useful to keep a log of things that go well to look back on when necessary..... I find that can really help to quieten down any anticipatory anxiety in the days before potentially anxiety provoking events because you can look at it and think "oh yeah, things often go much better than I thought", etc.

It's really good that you recognise the negative post mortem as a problem though, many of us don't (took me a while! ) and it's quite an important realisation, because once you understand a problem you can begin to address it. Best of luck!!!
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  #8  
Old 23rd July 2012, 12:24
runaway runaway is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

I know it's a cliche, but I've found it easier to just live in the moment and not look back really,.
if I trust that I do what I can in the moment, then there's not much point in looking back,..
it's really just a form of self-torture and essentially negative I think anyway, as you act differently in the heat of the moment from what you'd think you do in the calm of a post-meet reflection anyway, so it's essentially an innaccurate way to appraise your 'performances'
it works both ways too, I've found, as the pre-event ruminating and thinking vanishes too, along with the post-meeting analysis gunk.

I just trust that I have whatever it takes to approach each situation adequately.
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  #9  
Old 23rd July 2012, 17:48
syntax syntax is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Thanks for your advice essenes and g-1

I think yes, its prob not best to keep looking back and amplifying things, i have just been trying to think that i didnt feel uncomfortable for the whole day so at least i manage to enjoy some of it, i have just been focussed on the worse bits of everything.

I guess it really is a matter of being more balances about the whole thing.
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  #10  
Old 23rd July 2012, 19:01
rupertthebear rupertthebear is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

i always try and congratulate myself for pushing myself to do these things where as the 'normal' person would get through an event like this with no problems it is a big thing for me and you.even if noone realises what youve just achieved i still try and hold my head up high.i know it is all too easy to concentrate on the negatives and over-analyse things but over the years ive learnt that this gets you nowhere and it just adds to the anxiety anyway.
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  #11  
Old 24th July 2012, 12:14
syntax syntax is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Quote:
Originally Posted by rupertthebear
i always try and congratulate myself for pushing myself to do these things where as the 'normal' person would get through an event like this with no problems it is a big thing for me and you.even if noone realises what youve just achieved i still try and hold my head up high.i know it is all too easy to concentrate on the negatives and over-analyse things but over the years ive learnt that this gets you nowhere and it just adds to the anxiety anyway.
I think this comment has had the greatest impact on me, puts a completely different spin on things, and makes me look at the circumstance in a different way.

I dont feel so bad about what happened now, so this was a definate help.
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  #12  
Old 24th July 2012, 15:54
Dandelion10 Dandelion10 is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

It's better not to even do the post mortem as you don't know what people were thinking and the anxiety makes you take a biased view made up of fragments of looks and comments, so chances are you'll feel down about something even if it's just imagined.

If you find you still do dwell on situations after they've passed try make it a habit to discredit or challenge whatever doubts come to mind. Ask yourself where the proof is. Focus on the achievement itself. Think positively and you'll attract people to you thus feel less self-conscious about you 'performance'.
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  #13  
Old 26th July 2012, 18:02
syntax syntax is offline
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Default Re: How to feel positive about social situations post mortem

Yeah i think im just going to go down the post mortem route to be honest, its not really helpful. Think better to focus on what went well and try and build on this instead.
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