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  #61  
Old 16th September 2017, 08:38
Schmosby Schmosby is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam
Another reason was that I didn't, and still don't, think the world is such a good place to bring a child into. For many years I actually resented being born and brought into all this. Parents can choose, but the child can't. I was always mindful of that.
This was my experience too and is my main reason for not wanting children. Lack of funds would be another, paying for my children with other people's taxes doesn't sit at all right with me. Lastly having my children stolen from me by the mother is a big factor, there is no way to tell how things are going to pan out over the years and due to the gynocentric society we live in, the mother would most likely gain custody.
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  #62  
Old 16th September 2017, 08:55
newbs16 newbs16 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

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Originally Posted by SHYGIRLAJB
Yes .. I have always wanted children.., but sadly it's a case of if you was going to have any something would have happened by now .,.. Unfortunately the older I get the more bitter I become .... It doesn't help my partner says he doesn't want any children ....
Are you trying to get pregnant or aren't in a position to get pregnant.
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  #63  
Old 16th September 2017, 12:41
SHYGIRLAJB SHYGIRLAJB is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by newbs16
Are you trying to get pregnant or aren't in a position to get pregnant.
Tricky question, I always got told I may have problems in that department as I've always had irregular periods ... My partner says we can't afford any children and he is put off as he seen others .... Plus he has a problem which he won't get sorted .... It's hard being a lady as I feel broody most of the time ...
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  #64  
Old 16th September 2017, 18:40
Ajax Amsterdam Ajax Amsterdam is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vienna
...plus they must cost a fortune.
Can someone tell me how the hell they manage to pay for things for them , especially if you're on benefits...
I simply couldn't afford to have kids even if I wanted them. The cost of adequately providing for children must be horrific, and that's before we even get started on the cost of the gadgets, clothes etc that they all want to keep abreast of peer/societal pressures.

On holiday just recently I heard the mother in the apartment next door complaining to her three young children that they had to rein in the spending because they had gone through 700 euros and were only mid-day on the third day of their stay. Holy crap, my parner and I didn't even go through that much between us on our entire nine night self-catering stay.
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  #65  
Old 28th September 2017, 15:26
Hayman Hayman is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

My opinion since last November when I posted in this thread hasn't changed. Given my age (now 32), I'd rather not bother. I was very much up for having them in my mid 20's when it seems to be the time most seem to have them. I felt ready but without even a date to my name, I do feel well and truly 'cheated' out of an ordinary family life.

"What if the right person come along?" some will ask. Let's just say someone did… Highly unlikely, but let’s just gloss over the painful truth for a second… What would it take? Well, simple really… I'd want the same amount 'fun times' as a couple before having children – which seems to typically range from five to ten years judging upon former friends of mine (almost 12 years in one particular case). I'd want a fair share of that quality time as a couple and I'd refuse to rush. It's not fair on me. I've already missed out on 16 years of 'fun times' so far and I would want to have a good portion of that back without compromise. I know at my age, this would rule me out as female body clocks are ticking but in my defence – I've always been available for 'careful selection' and always been ready to 'tango'. It isn't a sudden decision I've made… I've always been there. Ignored and ruled out. The fact that I've never been selected to enjoy what comes to the vast majority of people, quite frankly, isn't solely my fault. Not with the genuine effort I know I've made, especially since the end of my 20's. I will not be demonised for other people's bad choices in the past or much more common these days - promiscuity.

Again as I said last year though, I never had any intention on being an older father so I've pretty much accepted it's a ship that's already long since sailed for me. I have no intentions on rushing to having a main course when I’ve not had starters yet…or even given the menu.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Schmosby
and due to the gynocentric society we live in, the mother would most likely gain custody.
An excellent point, there… That’s another big reason why I'd now prefer to not have children without any written prenuptial agreement made.
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  #66  
Old 28th September 2017, 16:04
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam
I simply couldn't afford to have kids even if I wanted them. The cost of adequately providing for children must be horrific, and that's before we even get started on the cost of the gadgets, clothes etc that they all want to keep abreast of peer/societal pressures.

On holiday just recently I heard the mother in the apartment next door complaining to her three young children that they had to rein in the spending because they had gone through 700 euros and were only mid-day on the third day of their stay. Holy crap, my parner and I didn't even go through that much between us on our entire nine night self-catering stay.
you spend what you can afford, but it definitely is a struggle!
For example, our last holiday cost less than £1000 for all 4 of us all in. That's why we camp, like a lot of families, we couldn't afford a luxury holiday. My kids don't get many clothes, just decent basic stuff, we're not materialistic, they get gadgets & stuff at Christmas, but then I know from people's posts on here that a lot of people who work buy themselves things they want, I buy things for my children, not myself & that's fine.
Luckily my kids are well grounded and I've tried to teach them the importance of enjoying experiences, rather than things, so they don't ask for much & a lot of their friends are similar, they tend to have hobbies, rather than want expensive trainers etc.

But yep, even so it's a struggle, I keep our food bill down by shopping at Lidl/aldi & cooking from scratch, but there's always something to find money for, usually it's to do with school, money for trips/uniform etc. It annoys me as my kids would be happy in an old hoodie & jeans, but no, I had to spend over £200 on my son's uniform, he needed 3 different pairs of trainers for PE WTF?

@ shygirl, you should fight for what you want

@ Vienna, I agree, if you can't get your sh*t together enough to provide something of a decent upbringing, then you should have the sense not to have any babies. Getting pregnant and having a baby is one thing, spending the next 18 years providing a home is a different thing altogether.
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  #67  
Old 30th October 2017, 14:36
boots35 boots35 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Nope, am never having kids; it would be like being in a prison
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  #68  
Old 31st October 2017, 00:01
wd40mk17.4 wd40mk17.4 is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Yeah it bothers me,
I think partly expectations of my family, and society, partly because of a pretty weak need to have something to focus on, something to add meaning and purpose to my life. ( not the best reasoning to have kids )
Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting through life, and having kids would crystallise that and force me to be a better functioning member of society.

But instead I'll get a dog.
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  #69  
Old 2nd November 2017, 16:29
Sphinx Sphinx is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I really can't decide. They can bring you a lot of joy, many people say it's the best thing they ever did. Though I guess that's not the case for everyone.

I don't know if I could cope with it and would be terrified of messing them up/bringing them into a horrible harsh world etc.

I like the idea of having a family unit as I don't really have much of a family anymore. A lot of them have died. Just have no idea if I'll ever find the right person who I could trust enough to settle down with.
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  #70  
Old 3rd November 2017, 01:48
Aleks Aleks is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40mk17.4

But instead I'll get a dog.
Thats not such a bad idea. Dogs are better than humans.
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  #71  
Old 3rd November 2017, 19:30
Merritt Merritt is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I doubt I'll ever want kids, but more importantly I don't think I ever should have kids. It's fairly dubious that I'm allowed to tie my own shoe laces, let alone be responsible for the development of a human life. I think I'd have as many reservations about getting the snip as I would having a tooth taken out.
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  #72  
Old 4th November 2017, 00:23
affluenza affluenza is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

or even simpler:
no walks necessary
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  #73  
Old 6th November 2017, 20:29
vaxjo vaxjo is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

boy does it.

47 years and never once thought having children, occasionly thought it might be nice to be married.

And then bamn out of nowhere hit me and sent me into depression.
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  #74  
Old 6th November 2017, 22:17
Clement Fandango Clement Fandango is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

It’s a complex question for me. I’m 35 now and haven’t been in a relationship for 8 or 9 years now, major stumbling block right! That said, if I could get motivated I’m sure I could meet someone. Then there is the question of how wise it is to risk passing on some of the mental health issues that I have had/have.

There is a part of me that wants kids and I feel I have the financial base to provide a decent enough lifestyle, certainly if my partner worked. It is up in the air. I wonder if I will be alone forever and if so, if that really bothers me all that much. I feel that perhaps it is societal pressure that makes me want kids a bit, in that it would validate me in some way whilst also being aware that is not a good reason to have children. Many conflicting feelings about it all.
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  #75  
Old 6th November 2017, 23:45
vaxjo vaxjo is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clement Fandango
Itís a complex question for me. Iím 35 now and havenít been in a relationship for 8 or 9 years now, major stumbling block right! That said, if I could get motivated Iím sure I could meet someone. Then there is the question of how wise it is to risk passing on some of the mental health issues that I have had/have.

There is a part of me that wants kids and I feel I have the financial base to provide a decent enough lifestyle, certainly if my partner worked. It is up in the air. I wonder if I will be alone forever and if so, if that really bothers me all that much. I feel that perhaps it is societal pressure that makes me want kids a bit, in that it would validate me in some way whilst also being aware that is not a good reason to have children. Many conflicting feelings about it all.
I also think that part of the loss is felt from the fact that having kids would validate my existence but I think there would be a biological urge even without societal pressure.

For me there was never a question of me having kids, I just dont have the social skills needed so instead i travelled the world with the money I saved and never thought about having children,but as I said it just hit one day out of the blue a longing for a family.
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  #76  
Old 7th November 2017, 20:21
Clement Fandango Clement Fandango is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by vaxjo
I also think that part of the loss is felt from the fact that having kids would validate my existence but I think there would be a biological urge even without societal pressure.

For me there was never a question of me having kids, I just dont have the social skills needed so instead i travelled the world with the money I saved and never thought about having children,but as I said it just hit one day out of the blue a longing for a family.
And you can't get over this longing?
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  #77  
Old 7th November 2017, 22:01
vaxjo vaxjo is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

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Originally Posted by Clement Fandango
And you can't get over this longing?
Only thought about it once today so I guess I can for now I guess I had the shortest mid life crisis in history!!!
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  #78  
Old 7th November 2017, 22:50
Clement Fandango Clement Fandango is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

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Originally Posted by vaxjo
Only thought about it once today so I guess I can for now I guess I had the shortest mid life crisis in history!!!
Good to hear.
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  #79  
Old 12th November 2017, 17:15
Blackflies Blackflies is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I don't think I fear having children as much as it's that I fear picking the wrong father to breed me. I couldn't bare to end up a lone parent. Yet I adore solitude. Ha maybe that's why- he's essential to give myself a break. I'm getting to the age now where I'm going to really have to address my fear of attachment and let someone in so that I can have a family some day (God allowing). But this terrifies me. There's so much I need to change about myself before motherhood and I'm no where near there yet. My friend tells me I'm strong enough to be a single parent and I suppose if push come to shove, I'd survive but I can't imagine so without a man to hold me up when I can barely get out of bed during my depressive bouts. I also worry that the father will use this fear as a manipulation to keep me controlled and I'll end up loosing myself. But if I'm already lost, my fear is really quite irrational. I hope I don't wait too long trying to fix myself alone, before I realise that in order to have a child, you really have to give up your ego and let a partner in.
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  #80  
Old 12th November 2017, 19:01
anxiouslondoner anxiouslondoner is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

^I misread that as dead at 62! Well it's happened to so many celebrities lately....
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  #81  
Old 12th November 2017, 19:48
Blackflies Blackflies is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by john smith
I guess it's never to late to have children. Helps if your rich though

Rowan Atkinson to be dad at 62

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainm...cid=spartandhp

Girlfriend is nearly half his age (32) so maybe that helps. Don't know if it works in reverse if women are able to have children later on in life.
If Mr Bean can get someone pregnant at 62 or any age for that matter, there's hope for us all.

Men can generally get a woman pregnant in late age but their sperm is "crappy" from 40 onwards supposedly.
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  #82  
Old 13th November 2017, 01:01
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

I love the incredibly short mid-life crisis. I'm convinced a lot of women end up having kids because they feel really broody for a short period of time, get pregnant quickly, and bam! that's it. I'm not sure it's a really sustained desire for everyone. And the guys end up going along with it or not. I realise for some people it is a really sustained desire, something they've wanted all their lives, but I really think the accident/having a baby on a whim factor is more common than recognised. Then they have kid number two, because, there's no point going to all that effort just for the one kid. You might as well have two.

As for how people afford it, tax credits. I mean, I know lots of people just earn enough, but I assume we're talking about the people that don't. In the noughties I had no idea how many people were on them, even quite high up the earnings ladder, or how much they were worth. Or that you could claim them if you had savings. Or that you could put them on a mortgage application and have them counted as income. Anyway, when I found out it explained a lot. Basically the value of family benefits (and housing benefit) has rocketed in the last 15 years. That's how some people can afford it. They can't really. Family benefits include help with childcare costs, better maternity leave, so that more mothers work, so even if the dad has a shittier job than in the past, things still work out the same or better. Sure, people stop spending money on themselves and buy their kids stuff instead. But it's mainly the value of family benefits. (It's also why they cut disability benefits and the dole so severely. It's because most people aren't on those and think they'll never need them, but millions are claiming tax credits for years so those have more value to them and they don't want those cut. )
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  #83  
Old 13th November 2017, 01:26
MJC MJC is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?
No.
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  #84  
Old 13th November 2017, 09:37
Lone Dog Lone Dog is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackflies
but their sperm is "crappy" from 40 onwards supposedly.
I read something about that at one point. My father was late 40s when I was born, so it might explain my issues.

I'm older than that now, so I wouldn't want to pass any of this to another generation. However, I must say I never thought of having children, it didn't particularly appeal to me, and I find children frightening. Also, it takes two to tango, and I'm alone.
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  #85  
Old 13th November 2017, 09:45
vaxjo vaxjo is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

For me this is really complicated, conflicting issue. This post will be a bit rambling as I havent sorted it out yet.

I’ve never really desired children up to about age forty. I’ve never been one of these adults who’ve been comfortable around children. I’m also easily irritated. So not having children should make perfect sense right? I mean what if they inherited my ****ed state.

And yet people tell me they never wanted kids but when they had one it was the best thing they ever experienced. I will never experience this. I will never hold a baby in my hands knowing this is part of me.

The biggest sadness for me is my mother wouldve been a great grandmother and she never says it but Im sure it makes her sad not to have them(medical reasons means my sibling will never have children with his partner).

Then theres the killer. To have children one needs a partner. I cannot see this ever happening. I ‘m not even sure I’m ready for it. I like the idea, theres so many things which are great to experience as a couple but living 24 hours with someone? sleeping in bedwith someone? Going to bed is the one place I where no matter how sad or depressed I may be I can forget all my troubles. Having a partner would be so stressful, I would feel the constant need to be romantic, interesting, funny, supportive 24/7. God that would be so exhausting, how do couples do it?

Then theres money, having children would be finnancially crippling. I want to see the world. I’ve travelled to around 60 countries. All of this would stop if I had children.

I’m not materilistic si basically I earn enough that all my wants are satisfied, but with children I would barely manage to surrive. I see families living in two room (not bedroom)flats due to the high cost if housing in th SE.

And oh my god I would have no time for videogames but then I would have family holidays..

Not having children means having no one in your old age. I think a lot of old people live vicariously through their children when too old to do much.

But then what happens if your children are screw ups ir hate you.Do I want that pain?God forbid they are killed or abused. If my kid was abused I would kill the perpetrator. Really. But I wouldnt want waste one minute if my life in prison.

As a man one if seen as a failure if you don’t have kids. Natural selection says the best mate are chosen. What does that say about me then, that no woman in a population of 30mil sees me as a potential mate.

I read in the US only 4500 children were born to fathers over 45. So I think my chances of being a father at 47 are zero.

And even if by some miracle it happened I would be 65 when they start college!

My head says no children, my heart driven by biological urges says god damn it you idiot you left it too late.

The biggest pain is that because I look younger than I am, I get an endless stream of well meaning comments like you should have children, you’re not too old to gave children, dont you want children they’re so great etc.

Arrgh, cant you accept on my good days I’m just a joyless, anti-social, misanthropic, bitter, cynical cumudgen who doesn't want children.

And on my bad days I’m a terrible romantic who never met the ‘one’ and does not want to be reminded of his failure in life.

I hate that life is so short that it results in so many compromises and missed opportunities.
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  #86  
Old 13th November 2017, 12:23
jinny jinny is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone Dog
I read something about that at one point. My father was late 40s when I was born, so it might explain my issues.

I'm older than that now, so I wouldn't want to pass any of this to another generation. However, I must say I never thought of having children, it didn't particularly appeal to me, and I find children frightening. Also, it takes two to tango, and I'm alone.
I just wanted to say that my brother has had two children in his late 40s, he has just turned 50. Although it might not be ideal for everyone, it certainly has been the right thing for him & there is definitely NO indication that my niece and nephew are anything but healthy, strong children. They are both gorgeous. I think men are quite able to keep having healthy children later in life, it is more a problem for women, who's fertility drops after about 30 & the older your eggs get the more likely you are to have a child with some kind of disability. I think that's because women are born with all their eggs, so they age, whereas men make sperm in their bodies. But I might have just made that bit up.
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  #87  
Old 13th November 2017, 12:48
Lone Dog Lone Dog is offline
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Default Re: Does not having children (in your 30s plus) bother you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jinny
it is more a problem for women, who's fertility drops after about 30 & the older your eggs get the more likely you are to have a child with some kind of disability.
My mum was around 40 as well. Me getting some clapped-out DNA might explain a few things!
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