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  #1  
Old 25th August 2017, 16:58
SHYGIRLAJB SHYGIRLAJB is offline
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Default Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Hi Everyone

Do you find , the older you get the harder it is to make friends .. . At least when I was at school I did make some friends ... Sadly now they are more like people I just know rather than friends .... Now it's where do you begin , lol .... The things I like , are kind of things that seem immature to some people , or other peoples similar to my age kids do ... (play on Xbox) ....

It is very hard when you are socially awkward and don't go out ... The joys of social anxiety, meh .....

I dunno ...
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  #2  
Old 25th August 2017, 20:15
Mo34 Mo34 is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

I'm not sure. I think ppl get a bit more choosy as they get older with regard to friends as they have less time to spend socialising so kind of thin there social group out to what they need/enjoy the most. I suppose as well many ppl have family commitments - partners/children when there older which again is time and energy consuming.

There's also less opportunity to meet new ppl I guess, school/college and uni give you access to a lot of ppl and activities. Adult life not so much.
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  #3  
Old 25th August 2017, 20:20
Phizz Phizz is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Yea, I can relate to this. I guess as I've got older I've settled into a bit of a routine and since I don't go out much means my interests are a bit narrow. When I talk to people and they ask things like "What have you been up to lately?" it can sometimes be hard to think of anything. I guess it would be easier if I went out more but I don't want to do that cause of my anxiety and so on and on it goes.

Still nothing wrong with indulging in things like Xbox or other things people consider immature. As long as you enjoy them.
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  #4  
Old 25th August 2017, 23:48
Toxic Toxic is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Is it because of the age..or because your not in many social situations?

I question it myself, I'm 31 and haven't really made a new friend in about 8 years. Part of me just associates it with the fact I'm getting older, I suppose the real reason is in the last 8 years I don't think I've ever really attended anywhere barring the small company I work for

I personally find work so mentally draining the last thing I want to do when I'm free is spend any more time dealing with people...or leaving the house...so it seems for me I either try and find some friends...or keep my job, I can't seem to do both

And yes of course, then theres the fact other people our age are too busy with adult things like children and such..I have no interest in them, when they are mentioned at work I just switch off
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  #5  
Old 25th August 2017, 23:57
Utopia Utopia is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

I really have no idea, but maybe it's because our behaviour has changed? I've notice people just completely blanking me when I message them, when in the past when I would send a message to a friend on msn they would always get back to me, so maybe it's a cultural change? I used to like chatting to people online, I found that easier.
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  #6  
Old 26th August 2017, 00:09
Miggs The Terrible Miggs The Terrible is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Think people shut down to new experiences after a while ( a mouthful coming from me I know!) and just see it as another nuisance they could do without. Maybe. I actually have no idea. I just like how the magic letters appear when I tap the shiny thingy.
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  #7  
Old 26th August 2017, 00:10
GlasgowFilmTheatreFan GlasgowFilmTheatreFan is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

I agree about the changed behaviour, I think people are more likely to ignore messages now, or be a bit more flakey about meeting up. For example a friend last month asked me to say some times I'd be free to meet up for coffee, I gave a bunch of different dates and said if not suited we could meet in September, but never heard back. I think that's par for the course nowadays maybe people have their very close friends from a long time back but aren't really wanting to make an effort to develop new friendships, even though they may say "we must meet up for coffee/ a drink sometime" it is hard pinning people down to a concrete time and place. Then again most working people are pretty stressed in today working environment so much just want to flop at home at night. I have never found making friends easy so I can't say it's any easier or harder now, some things like Meetup.com that didn't exist before can help some people, but I think the older you get the more you can take or leave social gatherings and don't feel you must be there or are missing out on something fantastic. Sometimes a cup of tea, a book, and listening to the rain at the window is just as soothing to the soul!
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  #8  
Old 26th August 2017, 00:22
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Reminds me of this Seinfeld bit

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  #9  
Old 26th August 2017, 17:07
humphrey humphrey is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

It definitely gets harder the older you get. People assume your married, have kids (grand kids) etc. When you don't have any of those things, you tend not to have anything in common with majority of the population.

All they will talk about is their family, if you are on your own like most of us on here, what can you relate to. I think it tends to make us seem weird. Plus when you struggle with conversation normally, this just makes it doubly difficult.
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  #10  
Old 27th August 2017, 19:31
GlasgowFilmTheatreFan GlasgowFilmTheatreFan is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

Does anyone else find it hard to have a clear idea of what sort of friendship they are looking for? Someone to meet up with and chat over a coffee, someone to go to the cinema with, someone to go to live music with? In theory I could do all three of those things so long as I was willing to do them at Meetup.com events. I seem to feel a bit insecure and want people to meet one to one though so that I'd know they were friends not just acquaintances, does that make sense?
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  #11  
Old 28th August 2017, 03:18
Inutt Inutt is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

I've been thinking I should make more of an effort to make some friends for a while now, but have been having similar problems.

I think a large part of the problem for those of us that enjoy computer games and the like is that they're indoor hobbies that we do pretty much entirely in our own homes, and they're not really something that can be done after meeting up with other people. Add to that that we tend to spend our free time at home, which makes it particularly difficult to meet anyone with similar interests, since they'll be at their home too where we'll never meet them...

The mid-nineties were quite good for that - computers were capable enough that they could play decent games, but it was pre-broadband so if you wanted to play multiplayer games, you had to drag your computer round to a friends house. I remember doing that many times. Now everything's online and the games themselves are geared towards playing against random people from across the world, rather than the ones you know.


On a more general (and less nostalgic) point, Meetup.com is a good idea in theory, but not so much in practice, at least for me - I'd like to go out and do things and meet people, but the thought of meeting up with a group of people I don't know, in a place I'm not familiar with, to do something I've not done before, is just not something my social anxiety will allow.
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  #12  
Old 28th August 2017, 07:34
GlasgowFilmTheatreFan GlasgowFilmTheatreFan is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

It sounds like you have the same ambivalence as me Inutt, which would naturally affect your motivations. Re: Meetup events I see your point, I am only able to do those because I had plenty of years of going to SA UK meets before I started doing those. Your days of dragging a computer round to friend's houses sound quite fun, I am not a gamer, but I think the social side is what I would have liked.

Do you have an idea of what you would like a friend for? That is something I struggle with. I don't know whether I want a close friend to share hopes and fears with or do have a more neutral friend to talk about my interests in film or books and just trade ideas with. I think when you don't have a clear image in your head of what you want in life it makes it really hard to get it! Maybe part of the problem is that I've not had many friends in my life so I feel a bit unsure of what friendship is supposed to be like and the sorts of things friends talk to each other about.
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  #13  
Old 29th August 2017, 00:07
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

I'm actually finding it easier to make friends now than at any other time in my life - in fact, this is the first time I've had people around me that I would call friends (of course, most I would categorise as acquaintances but there are a small number with whom I can share my troubles and support me when I need it - and I do the same for them in return).

@Inutt, there are a variety of meetup groups (in some areas, there seem to be meetups geared to every possible activity) and a lot of areas have specific social anxiety or shyness groups; I run my groups as if they were social anxiety groups and try to do whatever I can to make people feel more comfortable (meeting them one-to-one before their first meet if they feel they need that, ensuring that they have my number as a point of contact, waiting outside the venue so they don't have to enter alone etc.). If you can find a SA-friendly group near you, it's worth messaging the Organizer and establishing contact before you go.

@GlasgowFilmTheatreFan, I don't think there are specific things friends talk about; with mine, it's life and the universe in general, often what difficulties we may be having (partners, work, money, time etc.) or what good things have happened. It can be anything and everything (although with me, there's normally some mention of music or travel in there); talking about your passions can be good (as long as you keep it reasonably brief), because even if others aren't particularly interested, enthusiasm is infectious and they will talk about theirs too.
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  #14  
Old 31st August 2017, 01:39
Inutt Inutt is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

@GlasgowFilmTheatreFan - I don't really know what I want from a friend either (or life generally). I think I'd like to know someone I can talk about personal things with, but given how much embarrassment and anxiety I get from even very basic conversations, that'd be something I'd have to slowly work up to. I'm not really sure I actually have that much to say anyway though (personal or otherwise), but it'd be nice to have someone to watch TV with now and again.

@gregarious_introvert - I do need to look into MeetUp related stuff in more detail - I've only really skimmed through the available groups without looking into many of them all that much. The things you mention like meeting up with the organiser beforehand and not having to enter alone would certainly help. Interestingly, I notice the location you have on your profile isn't all that far from where I live, so if I do manage to make it to a meetup, it might end up being one of yours :-)
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  #15  
Old 31st August 2017, 09:16
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

^Would it help to meet anyway? Whether it's one of mine or someone else's (my local group covers Mansfield rather than Yorkshire, but I do have a travel group which covers a wider area, which has socials in Doncaster & Sheffield), I've got to know a few members in each group, so I may be able to point you in the right direction.
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  #16  
Old 31st August 2017, 23:48
Inutt Inutt is offline
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Default Re: Why is making friends harder the older you get ??

@gregarious_introvert - maybe, but it's something I'd have to work up to I think. I'll bear it in mind though, thanks.
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